282. Memorial Plaque Series (52). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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281. All-time Favourite Jokes Series

On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said slowly and carefully...........

"Burr - Gurr - King".

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280. Cat Dictionary Series (32)

Aquacats

Scene:  Summer.  The couple are in the garden, clearing weeds, bedding in new plants, watering, etc, and the hose is lying idle, with a dribble of water coming out in fits and starts.  Banjo and Rusty huddle over this point, determined to catch “it” next time it shows itself coming out of the hose.  The woman notices this and teases them from the tap end by turning it on and off, which makes them pounce and retreat alternately.  Sometimes when the hose is on full, the man manoeuvres the hose to arch the stream of water and he spins on his heels, taking it round full circle, while the cats gallop round like circus horses, chasing the jet of water.  They get drenched, but contrary to normal feline behaviour, seem to love it.

Translation: I tell you Rusty, we nearly caught that thing today, I was within an inch of teaching it a damn good lesson.

Watch the birdie...

Are you turning that tap on or not?

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279. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (11)

My mother-in-law Betty Jones from Tredegar worked for the Providence Finance Company.  On her collection rounds she was affectionately known as Betty The Cheque.

June Jones, Oakdale.

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http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

278. Memorial Plaque Series (51). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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277. At the school gates, Buenos Aires

Child (4):  Mummy, the teacher says we've got to go to the cinema today.

Mother (27):  What?  What did she say exactly?

Child:  Yes, 'cos I asked her if you could take me to the cinema, and she said that if you wanted to you would take me, and I know you want to go, so let's go.

(Gustavo's Comment:  This kid won't need any direct sales training, nor for being a wife, come to that.)

With thanks to Gustavo.  Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana.

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276. Hairdressers VII

Customer 1:  How’s your brother the Canon?

Stylist:  Actually he’ll be a bishop shortly – being ordained in Westminster Abbey.  The whole family are going to be there, there’ll be a special lunch at Lambeth Palace…

Customer 2:  Wow, what a fabulous occasion.  Are you looking forward to it?

Stylist:  Oh yes.  We’ll all be on our best behaviour…

Salon proprietor:  You’ve got to keep your mouth shut, you mean…

Customer 1:  (disbelieving) Have you been told to….???

Stylist:  They’d better not, or at lunch I’ll be updating them all on Eastenders and Corrie Street, you see if I don’t…

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275. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (10)

We had a few Dais in our rugby club.  Dai Phantom ghosted through gaps.  Dai Oil worked on the rigs.  Dai Llandaf, he came from Llandaf RFC.  Dai Steps 6 ft 7" got his name when our hooker Tichy met him the first time and said "I need steps to talk to you."  There was also Jones The Pill, because he worked as a pharmaceutical rep selling birth pills.

Roy Sull - Machen

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

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274. Memorial Plaque Series (50). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

Mr J W Taylor

1905 - 1979

An Unforgettable Uncle

JOHN - WILLY

Everybody Should Have One

Jean

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273. Cat Dictionary Series (31)

Scene:  An aggressive, mature and battle-scarred tomcat from 5 doors up (known to the couple as “The Brute”, a long haired black cat with a white blazon on his chest) is patrolling the back gardens of all houses up and down the street.  He walks confidently along the tops of the 6 ft high wooden fences, spitting warningly at any cat who is minding his own business in his own garden.  Sometimes he jumps down to inspect something that takes his interest and to leave scent marks, bounding easily back up again to resume the patrol of “his” territory.  Banjo and Rusty are crouched tensely watching his every move from the patio, not moving a muscle.  Rusty sneezes, a sure sign of stress.

Translation:  We’re watching him, don’t you worry.  I could see him off quite easily of course, but I feel a sniffle coming on...

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272. All-time favourite Joke Series. Call Centre Conversations (10 of 11)

Caller:  I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it.  If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?

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271. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (9)

There was a guy who drank in our local pub.  He drove a Porsche so he was called Pete The Porsche.  When he was done for drink driving he was re-christened Pete The Feet.

Mark Phillips, Caldicott

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

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270. Memorial Plaque Series (49). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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269. The right answer at the right time (4 of 5)

A lorry driver was going down a country road.  He came to a sign that read "Low Bridge Ahead".  Before he realised it the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it...

Cars were backed up for miles.  Finally, a police car arrived.  The policeman got out of his car and walked up to the lorry's cab, and said to the driver "Got stuck, eh?"

The lorry driver said "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel..."

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268. Hospital Administrators Research Forum meeting (3)

Scene:  Serious instructor, emphasising that all must be just so when we're inspected by the MHRA.

Instructor (male, 28):  The MHRA Standards state that all foles and filders must be up to date.

(And the t's dotted and the i's crossed, presumably)

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267. Gravesend, in the 1950s

Lorna (Guest) (60):  Just thought I'd tell you, your upstairs loo is out of toilet paper.  I found out too late...

Daphne (Hostess) (62):  Well you've got a tongue in your head haven't you?

Lorna:  Yes, but I'm not a contortionist.

(With thanks to John)

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266. Memorial Plaque Series (48). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

It says: 

Brian

Will you be warm enough on your own

Linda

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265. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (8)

Brenda Smith, New Zealand:

When I grew up in Caerau we had a Jones the Overman, Jones the Commi and Mrs Lewis Shortarm because her left arm was shorter than her right.  Also a friend's father sold fish on a flatback card - and he was Grif the Fish.

 www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

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264. Hospital Administrators Research Forum meeting (2)

Scene:  Serious instructor, emphasising that all must be just so when we're inspected by the MHRA.

Instructor (male, 28):  The MHRA Standards state that all forms must be signed and the name of the signatory printed below, in case it's ineligible.

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263. All-time favourite joke series - Call Centre Conversations (9 of 11)

Tech Support:  OK.  In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the "OK" button displayed?

Customer:  Wow.  How can you see my screen from there?

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262. Memorial Plaque Series (47). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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261. All-time favourite joke series - The Old Geezers

Scene

Butch and Sid were in their 80s and reckoned they were close to their last days of going out on the town, so they decided to have a final fling.  After quite a few drinks, Sid suggested they carry on to the local brothel.

The madam took one look at the two old geezers and whispered to her manager -

"Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.  These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two my girls on them.  They won't know the difference."

The manager did as he was told and the two old men went upstairs and took care of business.

As they were walking home some time later...

Butch:  You know Sid, I think my girl was dead.

Sid:  Dead?  What makes you say that?

Butch:  Well she never moved or made a sound all the time I was lovin' her...

Sid:  Could be worse - I reckon mine was a witch.

Butch:  Hell, why d'you say that??

Sid:  I was makin' love to her, and kissin' her and such, and I gave her a little bite, and then she farted and flew out the window.  Dang it, she took my teeth with her too...

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260. Hospital Administrators Research Forum meeting (1)

Scene:  Serious instructor, emphasising that all must be just so when we're inspected by the MHRA.

Instructor (male, 28):  The MHRA Standards state that everything must be regularly calibrated, including  the height charts on the wall.

Research Administrator I:  You mean those ones that are nailed to the wall?  They need to be calibrated more than once?

Instructor:  Absolutely

Research Administrator II:  In case of earthquakes or building subsidence presumably.

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259. Wake?

Woman I (45):  Did you go to the wake?

Woman II (50):  No, I don't think anybody went.

Woman I:  Why?

Woman II:  Because there wasn't a wake.

(Gustavo's comment:  Ahhhh - so all in all you're still not sure if anybody went???)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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258. Memorial Plaque Series (46). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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257. Bath windowsill

There's that stupid poodle next door being taken out for a walk. 

Yapping at me as usual...

Attaboy, never mind the lead, climb on up, make my day...

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256. All-time favourite joke series

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

Teacher:  How do you know that the cat was dead?

Pupil:  Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move.

Teacher:  You did WHAT?

Pupil:  (Uncertainly) I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move...

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255. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (7)

David Maxwell Fyfe, 1st Earl of Kilmuir (1900-1967) was a British Conservative politician, lawyer and judge.  During the 1950s he was Home Secretary and cabinet minister for Welsh affairs. 

As such he travelled regularly to Wales, where he was known as Dai Bananas.

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254. Memorial Plaque Series (45). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

It says:

In loving memory of Herbert Gentry

who came here long ago.

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253. Soliloquy at the petrol station

Scene:  I have filled my car with petrol and go in to pay.  I hear the radio blaring as I make my way to the till, where the 20+ year old cashier has just finished serving a customer.  As I step up to the till I hear the radio disc jockey mention that after the news he'll be playing the latest song of "the delectable Lady Gaga".

Cashier:  Delectable?  I tell you I'm sick and tired of hearing about her.  Can't STAND her.  She looks awful, dresses worse, dead artificial.  People just talk about her, not about the music.  She's supposed to be a singer...

Me:  Mmm.  Pump No. 14 please.

Cashier:  Like that Madonna - all the rage in the 90's she was.  Couldn't STAND her.  Them pointy tits.  Always had to be in the news about other stuff.  She was supposed to be a singer...

Me:  Mmm.  Do I put my card in this way up?

Cashier:  Yes love.  I tell you, these women are there to sing, but all they want you to do is look at them, not listen to their voices.  Can't STAND them.

Me:  Mmm.  Can I take my card out now?

Cashier:  Yes love.  I mean, look at footballers.  We want to watch them play and all they want to do is screw around and appear in newspapers and demand a lot of money.  Can't STAND that.  I've read that they used to pay footballers £20 a week back in the fifties, and look at them now.  Just for kicking a ball around...

Me:  Mmm.  I know, it's a scandal.  Well, bye for now.

Cashier:  Bye love.  Nice talking to you.

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252. The Right Answer at the Right Time (3 of 5)

The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he had stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day" the bobby said.

The kid replied "Well, I got here as fast as I could."

When the policeman finally stopped laughing he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

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251. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (6)

My friend worked in Penallta colliery, and was nicknamed Scooter because you had to kick him to start him.

Mark, Pengam

www.bbc.co.ukwales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

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250. Memorial Plaque Series (44). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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249. In downtown Buenos Aires on a hot day

Woman (60):  The tube(1) staff are on strike, the ice-cream machine's out of order at the Vesuvius ice-cream parlour so there's no zabaglione flavour - I tell you, nothing works in this country.  It's chaos.  Don't know why I bothered coming into town today...

Comment by Gustavo:  Quick survey - is this woman a natural pain in the ass, a follower of Lilita Carrió (2), or both?

(1) Subway/Underground

(2) Lilita Carrió:  Argentine politician renown for being difficult.

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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248. Exam Papers (7 of 25)

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247. Cat Dictionary Series (30)

The Fox

Scene: Banjo hasn’t come back in at 11 p.m. or so to sleep in a warm corner.  No amount of calling brings him bounding back into the house for his late night snack.  Some time later the woman hears the sound of an animal screaming, and becomes convinced that her cat has been mauled by a fox.  It’s midnight, and the man drives round the block hoping to see him, while the woman back at home goes to pieces imagining the worst.  The neighbours all seem to be asleep. 

At 1 a.m. they’re both sitting miserably at the table, going outside every so often to call him. At 1.30 a.m. to their speechless delight, they see him trotting along the wall of the house opposite, jumping down and sauntering calmly into the house and straight to his feeding bowl.  The woman continues to blub helplessly from the shock.  They gradually realise that what they heard screaming was a couple of mating foxes which have been seen in the area.

Translation:  Lost track of the time out there – what on earth’s been going on here, have I missed anything?

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246. Memorial Plaque Series (45) - Clevedon Pier, North Somerset

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245. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (8 of 11)

Tech Support:   I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.

Customer:         OK.

Tech Support:   Did you get a pop-up menu?

Customer:         No.

Tech Support:   OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?

Customer:         No.

Tech Support:   OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?

Customer:          Sure.  You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.

 

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244. All-time Favourite Joke Series – Police Call

George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go and turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who after checking his address, asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”.  Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.  George said “OK”, hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.”  Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George:  “I thought you said you’d shot them.”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available”.

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243. Welsh Idiosyncrasies – Nickname Series (5)

A man from Pencoed and Bridgend who was an amputee and had a prosthesis: 
Dai Tin Leg

A factory inspector for whom everything was “two thou out”:  Billy-two-thou

A man who helped his wife with the housework:  Will Mary-Ann

A man who always managed to wriggle out of paying for a drink:  Tom Tadpole

G Goodman, Cape Town

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

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242. Memorial Plaque Series (43). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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241. Exam Papers (6 of 25)

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240. The right answer at the right time (2 of 5)

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsburys' store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.  She asked a passing assistant "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The assistant replied "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

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239. Art Imitating Life? (2)

Background:  The hospital where I work has launched a project to brighten up the corridors and make them less institution-like. 

Laboratory Manager to colleague as they walk down the corridor:  I can't imagine what idiot thought this one up - those look exactly like bacteria colonies seen under a microscope.  Just what you need to reassure patients in a hospital where MRSA is a constant worry...

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238. Memorial Plaque Series (42). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

It says:

SIMON

I'll lie by your side

like the Sunday roast

Lucy

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237. Welsh Idiosyncrasies. Nickname Series (4)

Dai Up and Down:  for two reasons -

1.  Because one day he was OK for money, the next he wasn't.

2.  The way he walked after a pit accident when one leg remained shorter than the other.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

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236. Men at Work

Office Manager (40):  the corridor is looking so much better and brighter isn’t it?

Workman in overalls covered in paint (30):  Yep.  Better, innit?  Ooh, I’ve got to put up a ‘wet paint’ sign...

Office Manager:  shall I do one for you?

Workman:  No ta, I’ve got a piece of paper here and a pen.  How do you spell “wet”?

Office Manager:  That’s W – E - T

Workman: Ta

Office Manager:  Do you need me to spell “paint”?

Workman:  No, ta, I’ll get that off the tin.

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235. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (7 of 11)

Scene:  A man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box, to worried operator.

Man:  Hang on a minute, I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.

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234. Memorial Plaque Series (41). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

It says:

Sit down Duchess,

take the weight off your feet.

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233. By the fountain in the park.

Chavette (18):  Oy, don’t flick water at me you idiot, I’m off to work.

Chav (20):  Bah – now you’re pretending you have a serious job ‘cos you’re sitting in a chair for 8 hours a day.

Chavette:  Havin’ your ass in a chair for 8 hours a day when you don’t wanna be there and they pay you for it, that’s a serious job.

(Gustavo’s comment:  I’m with the Chavette 100%)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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