Saturday, 1 March 2014

1201. What we mean is what we don't say (116)

We say"This computer programme is really intuitive."

We mean:  There are no instructions, you've just got to work it out for yourself.

What we really mean:  I'm not going to spend hours nursing you through it, haven't you got a brain in your head?


Wednesday, 26 February 2014

1198. Grumpy Old Quotes (44)

I get in a complete rage with the computer.  I get all hot, my hair is standing on end, I look like a clown trying to control myself... Then I get up and walk away and the bloody egg-timer on the screen is still there.

Nina Myskow (Grumpy Old Women)


The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Tuesday, 25 February 2014

1197. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (9)

Q:  What is artificial insemination?

A:  When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.


Monday, 24 February 2014

Sunday, 23 February 2014

1195. Out of the mouths of babes... (11)

Little Boy (5), in his bedroom looking worried when asked by his mother what was troubling him.

"I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married.  How will my wife fit in it?"

Saturday, 22 February 2014

1194. The many uses of a mobile phone (2)

‘Conversation’ with dentist, while patient’s mouth is full of metal implements.

Dentist: Our daughter-in-law Sandra’s from London you know. Good family, went to a frightfully good school…

Patient: Aha!

Dentist: She has funny little ways sometimes, never ceases to surprise us.

Patient: Nng??

Dentist: They came to stay the other weekend and she disappeared upstairs to freshen up and put some things in the spare room while we chatted to our son George and the children downstairs. Then we hear the phone ring. We didn’t hear it at first, as it’s out in the hall, and the children were being noisy, and my wife and I tend to shout at each other “will you take the call?” “No, you take it”, and so on. Finally I drew the short straw and got to the phone, and I hear a voice saying “Is George there?” I reply politely “Certainly, who’s speaking please?”, and hear the voice say “It’s Sandra”. “Sandra?” I say “What Sandra?” “You know, your daughter-in-law” she says, a trifle impatiently. “But you’re upstairs!” I protest rather stupidly. “Yes….”

Patient: Wa a heh? (What the hell)

Dentist: Open wider. That’s right. Well, George comes on the phone and says “Yes dear” and hangs up. It turns out she wants a softer pillow and wants George to bring one in from their car…

Patient: (Sounds of coughing and spluttering, necessitating a rinse with pink fluid)


Friday, 21 February 2014

1193. What we mean is what we don't say.... (115)

What we say"We will learn from this"...

What we mean:  I'm a person in public office whose department has been caught out being incompetent. BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!

What it says about us:  I'm a person who doesn't like being caught out, and my statement is intended to sound reassuring and innocent at the same time.  Should make the dust die down quickly, hopefully.


Thursday, 20 February 2014

1192. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (129)

Growing up in Phillipstown, creative names were a way of life.  Here are just a few I can remember:

Ricky Tin - metalwork teacher
Tommy Stamp - post office owner
Dai Half-Inch - Headmaster (smaller than most of his pupils)
Dai Green Machine - local motorcyclist
Lenny Plank - woodwork teacher.

- Anthony Perkins in Cascade

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

1191. Grumpy Old Quotes (43)

Unlike most women of my generation I do love computers, but I get terribly angry when it freezes - you know - it freezes and sends  you messages saying you have committed an illegal action.  Sorry, I'm sitting here minding my own business. I have done nothing wrong.  It's you that has frozen.  Something has gone wrong in your innards.  How DARE you blame me?

Sheila Hancock    (Grumpy Old Women)


The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Sunday, 16 February 2014

1189. Benny Hill Quote

"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect."


Saturday, 15 February 2014

Friday, 14 February 2014

1187. Blackmail in Buenos Aires

At youngest's kindergarden

Little Boy (4):  I want a choccie bar.

Mother (30):  No, we're late

Little Boy:  If you don't buy me one I won't go with you to have a hamburger at "Madonna" after school.

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Thursday, 13 February 2014

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

1185. Overheard at the hospital canteen

Younger female employee: The cow has put in a formal complaint about me, can you believe it?

Older female employee: How can she possibly do that? That’s ridiculous!

Younger...: Well, apparently she has chronic sleep apnoea, and until they sort it out, the doctors have said she must be allowed to sleep if she drops off at her desk, and no one must wake her.

Older...: How can you do that when you’re all in there working in the same office?

Younger...: We’re supposed to tiptoe about and not wake her up. Well I needed information about a patient and I had to know it right away, I mean I can’t hang about waiting for people to finish their siestas…

Older...: Don’t blame you, what happened next?

Younger...: I woke her up and asked her for the information, and you wouldn’t believe how bad tempered she was… Then she reports me. The cow.


Tuesday, 11 February 2014

1184. The many uses of a mobile phone (1)

Overheard on the train

Lady 1: Well I ask you – young people these days…

Lady 2: So how did it come about exactly?

Lady 1: My nephew in New Zealand rang to wish me a happy birthday – there’s a 13 hour difference so it was midday for me and one in the morning tomorrow over there, if you know what I mean.

Lady 2: With difficulty… but carry on.

Lady 1: …And just as we had started speaking I hear his mobile ring and he’s saying to someone “can you take this, I’m on the phone to Aunty Sue in England…” He comes back to me and says “sorry about that Aunty, it was Emma, but we’ll call her back”.

Lady 2: Isn’t that his teenage daughter? What’s she doing ringing at 1 a.m.?

Lady1: I’m getting there. I thought it best to ignore, and we carry on chatting for about 10 minutes, and when the call is winding to a close I say “You’d better ring Emma back”. Well, I could hardly believe what he said next.

Lady 2 (breathlessly): what? What???

Lady 1: He sounded embarrassed and well he might be. “Thing is, Aunty”, he says, “this is quite a big house and as we all have mobile phones, when we want to communicate we often ring each other. When food’s on the table, when we want to know what they want for a take-away – that sort of thing.” Well, I said laughing, she wouldn’t want a take-away at 1 in the morning, would she?? “Er no,” he says – all hesitant – “actually she was in the toilet and she’d run out of toilet paper and wanted me to take her up a new roll…”

Lady 2: Lucky her – I could sit there all day and I still wouldn’t get a spare roll…


Monday, 10 February 2014

1183. What we mean is what we don't say.... (114)

We sayNo offence, but...

We mean:  I got somethin' to say, and I'm gonna get it out somehow... maybe prefacing it with 'no offence' will soften it a little...??

What it says about us:  Notice how I gabble the 'no offence' bit, that's cos I just want to say something rude. 


Sunday, 9 February 2014

1182. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (128)

Loose women in Tredegar were called Marge because they spread easy.

J R, New Zealand


Saturday, 8 February 2014

1181. Grumpy Old Quotes (42)

My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew.  After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, 'You mean you can do all that, but you can't play my Game boy?'



The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

1178. Travel Stories (10)

It happened at a New York airport.

A crowded United Airline flight was cancelled.  A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.  Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.  He slapped his ticket on the counter and said

"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be first class."

The agent replied "I'm sorry sir.  I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed.  He asked loudly, so that the other passengers behind him could hear -


Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.  "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.  "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is.  If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14."

As the passengers behind laughed hysterically, the man gared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth and said "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too."


Tuesday, 4 February 2014

1177. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (7)

Q:  What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A:  He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.


Monday, 3 February 2014

1176. I'm Spartacus!

A friend of the family used to fly for US Air, and told us this tale of how one day his plane was one of many trying to land at a busy airport.  One of the controllers came on and reported something happened to cause a further delay and that those planes in a holding pattern would need to stay there.

Almost immediately, one of the pilots responded with "Bullshit!"

The controller then said something to the effect of "Sir, the use of profane language is prohibited on this channel by FAA and FCC regulations.  Please identify yourself."

After a moment, one of the pilots reported, "This is flight 123 and we are negative on the bullshit."  A moment after that, another flight reported in, "This is flight 456 and we are also negative on the bullshit."  One by one, each and every one of the flights reported in as being "negative on the bullshit."


Sunday, 2 February 2014

1175. Out of the mouths of babes... (9)

Susan (4, drinking juice through hiccups):  Please don't give me this juice again.  It makes my teeth cough."


Saturday, 1 February 2014

1174. Mothers are so boring...

Little boy (4):  "Mummy, how does Daddy give you seed to make a baby?"
Mother (taking a very deep breath):  "Well, you see, darling, it's like this...."
A few minutes later
Little boy:  "OK, but what time is Granny coming to fetch me?"

Tuesday, 28 January 2014

1173. What we mean is what we don't say.... (113)

What we sayI'm sorry, but I just have to say this...

What we meanI'm dying to voice my opinions, to show what a feisty woman/man I am.

What it says about us:  I'm not sorry, and I don't need to say it, but I'm going to say it anyway because I want the attention.


Monday, 27 January 2014

1172. Overheard on the London Underground/Tube/Suway

Overheard over the PA system:

"Beggars are operating on this train.  Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars.  If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity.

Failing that, give it to me."


Sunday, 26 January 2014

1171. Grumpy Old Quotes (41)

No cowboy was ever faster on the draw than a grandparent pulling a baby picture out of a wallet.



The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Friday, 24 January 2014

Thursday, 23 January 2014

1168. Travel Stories (9)

Waiting in line at an airport in Egypt, standing behind a couple of Australian women.  One says to the other:  "I'm not happy.  I thought we paid extra to fly direct to London?  How come we're stopping in some place called 'Londres' on the way?"


Wednesday, 22 January 2014

1167. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (5)

Q:  What happens to your body as you age?

A:  When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.


Tuesday, 21 January 2014

1166. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (127)

I used to work in the Customs Office of the Swansea-Cork ferry, and one of the regular Irish lorry drivers came into our office for his return journey to Ireland.  He related an incident from the previous day when he was delivering in the Valleys and was scouting around looking for a bed-and-breakfast to stay the night.

He called into a cafe where he had a cup of tea and made enquiries about lodgings in the area.  Everybody was very helpful, said Paddy, and they all agreed that his best bet was the bed-and-breakfast at Nellie Painter's.  they gave him directions and he set off up the hill to what he believed to be Nellie Painter's house.

When a woman answered the door he asked if she was Nellie Painter, and whether she did Bed-and-breakfast.  The woman replied that she did bed-and-breakfast but her name was Nellie Jones.  She then went on to explain that her husband was a painter and decorator, hence the name Nellie Painter.


Monday, 20 January 2014

Sunday, 19 January 2014

1164. British Humour (3)

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it.  You never know when you might need a nail.

Unknown origin.


Saturday, 18 January 2014

1163. What we mean is what we don't say.... (112)

What we sayI'm not being funny, but...

What we mean:  Actually I AM being funny - that's your queue to laugh.

What it says about us:  By using key phrases before I say what I want to say I prepare everybody to sit up and pay attention to "moi".


Friday, 17 January 2014

1163. At the mother-in-law's birthday party

Guest (female, 28):  I voted for him because he's so cute...

Gustavo (son-in-law, 40):  That's a good policy.  If you had voted for him because of his manifesto he may have let you down, but he'll always be cute, so it's win-win...

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with many thanks to Gustavo.


Thursday, 16 January 2014

1162. Grumpy Old Quotes (40)

Ageing is when you hear 'snap, crackle, pop' before you get to breakfast.



The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

1160. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (4)

Q:  In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A:  Very important.  Sex can only happen when  a male gets an election.


Monday, 13 January 2014

1159. Travel Stories (8)

A young tourist on a tour in Berlin, at Hitler's Bunker site:  "Hitler's first name was Adolf?  I thought it was 'Heil'..."


Sunday, 12 January 2014

1158. Out of the mouths of babes... (10)

Little girl (4) with ear ache, wanting a pain killer and unable to take the lid of the bottle:  Why won't it open, Mummy?

Mother:  It's childproof darling, I'll open it for you.

Little girl(eyes wide)  But how does it know it's me?


1157. The secret is out...

Q:  Why do men get married?

A:   So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.

Unknown Origin


Saturday, 11 January 2014

1156. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (126)

Harry was the eighth person I'd met with the surname Jones.  Everyone seemed to be called Jones, Williams, Davies or Evans.  To prevent confusion, the Welsh use nicknames, and nowhere is their teasing wit and love and language more apparent.

Most nicknames derive from a person's occupation, such as the builder I  heard of called Will-Five-Bricks, or the baker Dai-Bread, as in Dylan Thomas' Under Milkwood. 

My favourites were the two Evanses from a village in Carmarthenshire.  One was an undertaker, the other a travel agent.  The travel agent was known as Evans-There-and-Back, the undertaker as Evans-One-Way.


Friday, 10 January 2014

1155. Out of the mouths of babes (7)

Steven (3), hugging and kissing his mother good night:  I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.


Thursday, 9 January 2014

1154. Overheard on the Underground/Tube/Subway, London in July 2006

"Ladies and Gentlemen,

The beeping noise means 'the doors are closing, do not get on'.  It does not mean 'try to force your way onto the train and get your rucksack stuck'.  Please remember this in future, thank you."

Victoria Line tube driver, Victoria Station, at 10 a.m., July 2006


Monday, 6 January 2014

1153. What we mean is what we don't say.... (111)

What we sayI'm just being honest...

What we mean:  I'm keen to blurt out the truth without thinking of the consequences.

What it says about us:   I set honesty above all other virtues, such as tact, kindness, consideration for others, putting myself last... etc.


Sunday, 5 January 2014

1152. It's that remote control again...

Recommendation: However hard you try, you won’t be able to make international phonecalls with the television’s remote control. (I haven’t tried local calls though).

Gustavo’s comment: This time I caught myself at it just in time and followed my own advice...

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Saturday, 4 January 2014

1151. Grumpy Old Quotes (39)

An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Loan Ranger.

Dan Rather


The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Thursday, 2 January 2014

1149. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (3)

Q:  What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A:  If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.


Wednesday, 1 January 2014

1148. Travel Stories (7)

"We were on a bus tour in New Zealand and everyone had to come up to the front of the bus and introduce themselves.  After an American had introduced himself as coming from '...the greatest country in the world - U.S.A.!!  U.S.A.!!', the next person got up and said 'Hi, my name is Tom, I come from a small island off the coast of the United States, called Great Britain.' "