Tuesday, 31 July 2012

Monday, 30 July 2012

680. Celebrity Quotes (6)

She is as wholesome as a bowl of cornflakes, and at least as sexy.
- Dwight McDonald on Doris Day


Saturday, 28 July 2012

678. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (80)

After World War II there was a window cleaner named Samuel-"Shammy"-Davies.  After his son was demobbed from the army, he joined the business and was known as Shammy-Davies-Junior.

Keith Richards of Blackwood.

Friday, 27 July 2012

677. What we mean is what we don't say... (63)

What we sayMy wedding day will be the happiest day of my life!

What we mean:  It will be the most innocently happy day of my life.

What it says about us:  I believe in fairies, fidelity and happy-ever-after, so don't spoil it.


Wednesday, 25 July 2012

675. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (79)

In Merthyr Vale colliery we had a good guy whose name escapes me now but we called him Domestos 'cos he was very strong and very thick.

Phillip, Merthyr Tydfil

Sunday, 22 July 2012

673. Put downs (1)

Well-wishers?  Sure he has a lot of well-wishers - it's because they want to throw him down one.


Saturday, 21 July 2012

672. What we mean is what we don't say... (62)

What we sayGet real!

What we mean:  I feel impatient that you should be so unrealistic. 

What is says about us: ...but I'm envious that you're obviously a person with imagination and ideals.


Friday, 20 July 2012

671. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (13)

Q:  I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A:  Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.


Thursday, 19 July 2012

670. Conversation with a daughter on Father's Day

Gustavo (39):  You're grandmother's in Brazil.

Daughter (12):  Which one?

Gustavo:  The one to whom you just said hello.  She had a catapult on the roof, and when you left the room she catapulted herself to Brazil and has just arrived....

Daughter:  Oh yes, of course, the other one...

(Gustavo's comment:  and happy Father's Day to me)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

668. Arabella The Persecuted

Scene:  Arabella, a lady of a gentle and placid disposition, is driving down a one-lane main road and sees a set of traffic lights ahead turning to amber.  She thinks she has enough time to slip through, then at the last minute knows she is mistaken, and applies the break a little sharply, causing the car behind to do likewise and giving the driver a bit of a fright.  He sits on the horn in annoyance, which Arabella ignores. 

They then approach a roundabout, where with a roar of his engine he tries to overtake her but Arabella just manages to hog the middle of the road which stops him from doing so.  At the next set of traffic lights – red - she brakes gradually on approach, but hasn’t noticed that the road is now slightly uphill.  She takes her foot off the break, and before the lights have a chance to turn to green, her car rolls back into the car behind with a gentle crunch.  Arabella brakes, and – belatedly – applies the handbrake.  The driver of the car behind is apoplectic.

He leaps out of his car as Arabella prudently closes the window and locks herself in, and for some seconds screams at her, shakes his fist, and in his frustration kicks her front tyre.  At this precise moment, an off-duty policeman is passing on the opposite side of the road and sees a man screaming at a woman driver, who looks very alarmed and helpless.  He switches on his siren and does a U-turn in the road, landing up in front of her car.  He gets out of his car and goes over to Arabella.

Policeman:  Madam, is this man bothering you?

Arabella:  Oh sergeant I’m so glad you happened to come by.  This man is mad....

Driver:  (Trying to control his temper).  Bloody woman, look what she’s done to my car...

Arabella:  Oh that’s so unfair.  He’s been chasing me down the road, and I stopped for the red light and he just went into the back of me, and I didn’t know WHAT to do.....

Policeman:  Just leave this to me madam.

No damage has been done to her car, fortunately, and after taking her particulars, he sends her on her way.  The last thing she sees in her rear view mirror as she drives away is the driver this time furiously kicking the tyres on his own car.

(With thanks to John, who remembered this incident from the seventies.)


Monday, 16 July 2012

667. What we mean is what we don't say... (61)

What we sayGet a life...

What we mean:  By my standards, what you're doing is nerdy/geeky.  I don't approve.

What is says about us:  We have different values, but mine clearly are better.


Saturday, 14 July 2012

665. Football discussion

Daughter (12):  I never understood what the defenders do.  Are those the ones that are near the goal or who score the goals?

Gustavo (39):  The defenders defend, so that no one gets past them to score a goal.

Daughter:  Aaaah, I suppose they're defending the ball...

(Gustavo's comment:  why has she become interested in football now, why doesn't it happen in four or five* years' time when she could torture her boyfriend instead?)

(* just wishful thinking about the five years, please don't bring me back to earth with a thump...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Thursday, 12 July 2012

663. Arabella The Good Samaritan

Scene:  Arabella accompanied by her son Matthew aged 8 are cruising slowly around a multi-storey carpark while Arabella looks for somewhere to park.  She sees a space and slowly drives slightly passed it, breaks and gets into reverse, ready to back into the space.  She looks in her rear view mirror in time to see a car behind her quickly nip forwards into her space in one manoeuvre, and briskly exit from his car and walk away, waving his keys and smiling smugly, as Arabella watches in fury.  She eventually finds another spot..

Matthew:  Mummy, why are we walking that way?  We have to go the other way.

Arabella:  This won’t take a minute darling, I just need to look at that gentleman’s car a minute.

Matthew:  Mummy what are you doing to the man’s car?

Arabella:  I noticed he had too much air in his tyres darling, so I’m just letting some out for him.

(With thanks to John, who remembered this incident from the seventies)


Wednesday, 11 July 2012

662. What we mean is what we don't say... (60)

What we sayI'm having to prioritise.

What we mean:  I'm not going to tackle first the work you've just dumped on me, so live with it.

What it says about us:  And if you make me, I'll make your life a misery.


Tuesday, 10 July 2012

661. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (12)

QI have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name.  It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A:  It's called a Drop Bear.  They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.  You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.


Monday, 9 July 2012

660. On the underground/subway

One side of a mobile conversation overheard:

Young woman (30)

No, no, no, I told you seven times, SEVEN TIMES, that you have to collect her from kindergarden today...

No, no, no, you can't call me fifteen minutes beforehand and tell me you can't...

No, no, no, I told you seven times, seven.  Now I'm at the doctor's surgery, I can't....

(Noise in the background of underground train, line B:  tooooooooooot toooooooooot!!)

What toot?  I don't know what you're talking about.

Will you NOT change the subject.  Take responsibility for once in your life and do what you promised.  I'm not going to lose my doctor's appointment.

(Another toot from the train)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Saturday, 7 July 2012

658. Celebrity Quotes (5)

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.
- Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono


Friday, 6 July 2012

657. What we mean is what we don't say... (59)

What we sayDo you love me?

What we mean:  How you look when you say "OF COURSE I DO!"  will tell me whether you're a lying bastard or not.

What is says about us:  I feel you don't sometimes, but I don't want to know.  Just keep saying you do and look as if you mean it...


Thursday, 5 July 2012

656. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (77)

In Markham they used to have a lovely gentleman called Dai Bags due to the fact that he collected all the sick and elderly's prescriptions in the village.

Sarah Vaughan, Markham

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

655. With friends like this who needs enemies...

Young woman (30):  I don't know what it is about Ceci, she complicates everything.  He's either too short or too tall, he works too hard or he doesn't work enough, he's unattractive...  her relationships never last.  It's not as if she's Miss Universe herself... she's five years older than I am, and if you're forty and single, you've had it...

Young man (25):  Just as well she's your buddy then.

Young woman:  She may be my buddy, but one has to be realistic.

(Gustavo's comment:  As my granny Aititi would say, I'm not mean, I'm just a realist.)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Monday, 2 July 2012

653. At Southmead Hospital, Bristol

Overheard, as a couple in their seventies using walking sticks walk slowly and breathlessly down the long and endless hospital corridors:

Grumpy old lady:  If you're not an old age pensioner when you get here, you certainly are by the time you get to where you want to go in this place...


Sunday, 1 July 2012

652. What we mean is what we don't say... (58)

What we sayHow do I look?

What we mean:  Don't think about it - just say "wonderful".

What it says about us:  Why do you need prompting to make me feel good about myself?