Scene:Arabella, a lady of a gentle and placid disposition, is driving down a one-lane main road and sees a set of traffic lights ahead turning to amber.She thinks she has enough time to slip through, then at the last minute knows she is mistaken, and applies the break a little sharply, causing the car behind to do likewise and giving the driver a bit of a fright.He sits on the horn in annoyance, which Arabella ignores.
They then approach a roundabout, where with a roar of his engine he tries to overtake her but Arabella just manages to hog the middle of the road which stops him from doing so.At the next set of traffic lights – red - she brakes gradually on approach, but hasn’t noticed that the road is now slightly uphill.She takes her foot off the break, and before the lights have a chance to turn to green, her car rolls back into the car behind with a gentle crunch.Arabella brakes, and – belatedly – applies the handbrake.The driver of the car behind is apoplectic.
He leaps out of his car as Arabella prudently closes the window and locks herself in, and for some seconds screams at her, shakes his fist, and in his frustration kicks her front tyre.At this precise moment, an off-duty policeman is passing on the opposite side of the road and sees a man screaming at a woman driver, who looks very alarmed and helpless.He switches on his siren and does a U-turn in the road, landing up in front of her car.He gets out of his car and goes over to Arabella.
Policeman:Madam, is this man bothering you?
Arabella:Oh sergeant I’m so glad you happened to come by.This man is mad....
Driver:(Trying to control his temper).Bloody woman, look what she’s done to my car...
Arabella:Oh that’s so unfair.He’s been chasing me down the road, and I stopped for the red light and he just went into the back of me, and I didn’t know WHAT to do.....
Policeman:Just leave this to me madam.
No damage has been done to her car, fortunately, and after taking her particulars, he sends her on her way.The last thing she sees in her rear view mirror as she drives away is the driver this time furiously kicking the tyres on his own car.
(With thanks to John, who remembered this incident from the seventies.)
Scene:Arabella accompanied by her son Matthew aged 8 are cruising slowly around a multi-storey carpark while Arabella looks for somewhere to park.She sees a space and slowly drives slightly passed it, breaks and gets into reverse, ready to back into the space.She looks in her rear view mirror in time to see a car behind her quickly nip forwards into her space in one manoeuvre, and briskly exit from his car and walk away, waving his keys and smiling smugly, as Arabella watches in fury.She eventually finds another spot..
Matthew:Mummy, why are we walking that way?We have to go the other way.
Arabella:This won’t take a minute darling, I just need to look at that gentleman’s car a minute.
Matthew:Mummy what are you doing to the man’s car?
Arabella:I noticed he had too much air in his tyres darling, so I’m just letting some out for him.
(With thanks to John, who remembered this incident from the seventies)
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Young woman (30): I don't know what it is about Ceci, she complicates everything. He's either too short or too tall, he works too hard or he doesn't work enough, he's unattractive... her relationships never last. It's not as if she's Miss Universe herself... she's five years older than I am, and if you're forty and single, you've had it...
Young man (25): Just as well she's your buddy then.
Young woman: She may be my buddy, but one has to be realistic.
(Gustavo's comment: As my granny Aititi would say, I'm not mean, I'm just a realist.)