Wednesday 31 July 2013

Tuesday 30 July 2013

1023. Overheard on the London Underground/Tube/Subway (1)

"Ladies and gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service.  I know you're all dying to get home - unless of course you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

-oOo-

Monday 29 July 2013

1022. What we mean is what we don't say... (99)

What we say(Wheedling voice, rising to a squeak at the end)  "Would you do that for me?"

What we don't say:  I'm a nurse and I need to tell you to do something that you're really not going to like.

What we mean:  By wording it as a favour to me I'm embarrassing you into agreeing, and by using a childish voice I'm pretending I'm your mother and you're 5 years old.

-oOo-

Sunday 28 July 2013

1021. Cuttings from British newspapers (2)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear.  When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.

(The Manchester Evening News)

-oOo-

Saturday 27 July 2013

1020. I do all my own plumbing...

This is a Currys advertisement from a magazine, tempting you to buy your washing machine with installation included.  Apologies for poor quality, I haven't been able to find it on the internet.  His expression and the bedraggled cat looking at him really make me laugh.

-oOo-

Wednesday 24 July 2013

1018. On a bus, Buenos Aires

Adolescent (16) on crowded bus, loses her foothold as the vehicle brakes sharply and grabs  the first person ahead of her by the arm, a man in his fifties, and subsequently falls to her knees.
Young girl:  I’m SO sorry, I’m terribly sorry, I didn’t mean to...
Man (50s):  No problem, but don’t feel you have to kneel to apologise.
Young girl (recovering herself):  No, it was just that I was afraid I’d drag you down with me, which might have posed a problem with your age and all.
Man (50s):  Reply not recorded
(With thanks to Gustavo.  This was VERY loosely translated from Gustavo's eavesdropping blog Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana)

-oOo-

Monday 22 July 2013

1017. Kulula Airlines (26)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement by the pilot, part of his welcome message:

"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.  Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"


-oOo-

Sunday 21 July 2013

1016. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (112)

Dai-Tighten-up was the server at the soup kitchen who thought the food portions were too generous.

Dai-Ten-Ton was a small man in stature with a big ego.

Anonymous, from Deri

-oOo-

Wednesday 17 July 2013

Tuesday 16 July 2013

1012. What we mean is what we don't say... (98)

What we say:  "I'm puzzled/surprised/diappointed..."

What we don't say:  I'm disgusted/shocked/gutted.

What we mean:  By understating the case I hope you realise (1) how terrible this is and (2) how cleverly I'm dealing with it.


-oOo-

Sunday 14 July 2013

1011. Cuttings from British newspapers (1)

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman from North West Gas said -

'We agree it was rather high for the time of year.  It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'

(The Daily Telegraph)

-oOo-

Saturday 13 July 2013

1010. Grumpy Old Quotes (26)

Retirement must be wonderful.  I mean, you can suck in your stomach for only so long.

Burt Reynolds
-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Thursday 11 July 2013

Wednesday 10 July 2013

1007. Kulula Airlines (25)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."


-oOo-

Tuesday 9 July 2013

1006. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (111)

I grew up in Penrhiwceiber.  We had a Harry-from-Barry, Apps Edwards, Ma Roffi, who used to let all us kids hang out at her house, and Cowboy, who always thought himself to be one... too many to list.

Debra von Saldern, Canada

-oOo-

Saturday 6 July 2013

1003. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (21)

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy of unruly guests before we travel."

-oOo-

Thursday 4 July 2013

1001. Celebrity Quotes (38)

Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera.

- James Stephens (1882-1950)

-oOo-

Wednesday 3 July 2013

1000. Grumpy Old Quotes (25)

"I'm having difficulty getting the doctors around here to sign the appropriate form."

Spike Milligan, on seeking permission to celebrate his 80th birthday with a 12,000 foot skydive.

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Monday 1 July 2013

998. Quick Quips (7)

Mechanic:  I couldn't repair your brakes, so I've made your horn louder.

-oOo-