Wednesday, 26 February 2014

1198. Grumpy Old Quotes (44)

I get in a complete rage with the computer.  I get all hot, my hair is standing on end, I look like a clown trying to control myself... Then I get up and walk away and the bloody egg-timer on the screen is still there.

Nina Myskow (Grumpy Old Women)


The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Tuesday, 25 February 2014

1197. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (9)

Q:  What is artificial insemination?

A:  When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.


Monday, 24 February 2014

Sunday, 23 February 2014

1195. Out of the mouths of babes... (11)

Little Boy (5), in his bedroom looking worried when asked by his mother what was troubling him.

"I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married.  How will my wife fit in it?"

Saturday, 22 February 2014

1194. The many uses of a mobile phone (2)

‘Conversation’ with dentist, while patient’s mouth is full of metal implements.

Dentist: Our daughter-in-law Sandra’s from London you know. Good family, went to a frightfully good school…

Patient: Aha!

Dentist: She has funny little ways sometimes, never ceases to surprise us.

Patient: Nng??

Dentist: They came to stay the other weekend and she disappeared upstairs to freshen up and put some things in the spare room while we chatted to our son George and the children downstairs. Then we hear the phone ring. We didn’t hear it at first, as it’s out in the hall, and the children were being noisy, and my wife and I tend to shout at each other “will you take the call?” “No, you take it”, and so on. Finally I drew the short straw and got to the phone, and I hear a voice saying “Is George there?” I reply politely “Certainly, who’s speaking please?”, and hear the voice say “It’s Sandra”. “Sandra?” I say “What Sandra?” “You know, your daughter-in-law” she says, a trifle impatiently. “But you’re upstairs!” I protest rather stupidly. “Yes….”

Patient: Wa a heh? (What the hell)

Dentist: Open wider. That’s right. Well, George comes on the phone and says “Yes dear” and hangs up. It turns out she wants a softer pillow and wants George to bring one in from their car…

Patient: (Sounds of coughing and spluttering, necessitating a rinse with pink fluid)


Friday, 21 February 2014

1193. What we mean is what we don't say.... (115)

What we say"We will learn from this"...

What we mean:  I'm a person in public office whose department has been caught out being incompetent. BUT IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!

What it says about us:  I'm a person who doesn't like being caught out, and my statement is intended to sound reassuring and innocent at the same time.  Should make the dust die down quickly, hopefully.


Thursday, 20 February 2014

1192. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (129)

Growing up in Phillipstown, creative names were a way of life.  Here are just a few I can remember:

Ricky Tin - metalwork teacher
Tommy Stamp - post office owner
Dai Half-Inch - Headmaster (smaller than most of his pupils)
Dai Green Machine - local motorcyclist
Lenny Plank - woodwork teacher.

- Anthony Perkins in Cascade

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

1191. Grumpy Old Quotes (43)

Unlike most women of my generation I do love computers, but I get terribly angry when it freezes - you know - it freezes and sends  you messages saying you have committed an illegal action.  Sorry, I'm sitting here minding my own business. I have done nothing wrong.  It's you that has frozen.  Something has gone wrong in your innards.  How DARE you blame me?

Sheila Hancock    (Grumpy Old Women)


The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Sunday, 16 February 2014

1189. Benny Hill Quote

"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect."


Saturday, 15 February 2014

Friday, 14 February 2014

1187. Blackmail in Buenos Aires

At youngest's kindergarden

Little Boy (4):  I want a choccie bar.

Mother (30):  No, we're late

Little Boy:  If you don't buy me one I won't go with you to have a hamburger at "Madonna" after school.

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Thursday, 13 February 2014

Wednesday, 12 February 2014

1185. Overheard at the hospital canteen

Younger female employee: The cow has put in a formal complaint about me, can you believe it?

Older female employee: How can she possibly do that? That’s ridiculous!

Younger...: Well, apparently she has chronic sleep apnoea, and until they sort it out, the doctors have said she must be allowed to sleep if she drops off at her desk, and no one must wake her.

Older...: How can you do that when you’re all in there working in the same office?

Younger...: We’re supposed to tiptoe about and not wake her up. Well I needed information about a patient and I had to know it right away, I mean I can’t hang about waiting for people to finish their siestas…

Older...: Don’t blame you, what happened next?

Younger...: I woke her up and asked her for the information, and you wouldn’t believe how bad tempered she was… Then she reports me. The cow.


Tuesday, 11 February 2014

1184. The many uses of a mobile phone (1)

Overheard on the train

Lady 1: Well I ask you – young people these days…

Lady 2: So how did it come about exactly?

Lady 1: My nephew in New Zealand rang to wish me a happy birthday – there’s a 13 hour difference so it was midday for me and one in the morning tomorrow over there, if you know what I mean.

Lady 2: With difficulty… but carry on.

Lady 1: …And just as we had started speaking I hear his mobile ring and he’s saying to someone “can you take this, I’m on the phone to Aunty Sue in England…” He comes back to me and says “sorry about that Aunty, it was Emma, but we’ll call her back”.

Lady 2: Isn’t that his teenage daughter? What’s she doing ringing at 1 a.m.?

Lady1: I’m getting there. I thought it best to ignore, and we carry on chatting for about 10 minutes, and when the call is winding to a close I say “You’d better ring Emma back”. Well, I could hardly believe what he said next.

Lady 2 (breathlessly): what? What???

Lady 1: He sounded embarrassed and well he might be. “Thing is, Aunty”, he says, “this is quite a big house and as we all have mobile phones, when we want to communicate we often ring each other. When food’s on the table, when we want to know what they want for a take-away – that sort of thing.” Well, I said laughing, she wouldn’t want a take-away at 1 in the morning, would she?? “Er no,” he says – all hesitant – “actually she was in the toilet and she’d run out of toilet paper and wanted me to take her up a new roll…”

Lady 2: Lucky her – I could sit there all day and I still wouldn’t get a spare roll…


Monday, 10 February 2014

1183. What we mean is what we don't say.... (114)

We sayNo offence, but...

We mean:  I got somethin' to say, and I'm gonna get it out somehow... maybe prefacing it with 'no offence' will soften it a little...??

What it says about us:  Notice how I gabble the 'no offence' bit, that's cos I just want to say something rude. 


Sunday, 9 February 2014

1182. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (128)

Loose women in Tredegar were called Marge because they spread easy.

J R, New Zealand


Saturday, 8 February 2014

1181. Grumpy Old Quotes (42)

My granddaughter came to spend a few weeks with me, and I decided to teach her to sew.  After I had gone through a lengthy explanation of how to thread the machine, she stepped back, put her hands on her hips, and said in disbelief, 'You mean you can do all that, but you can't play my Game boy?'



The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Wednesday, 5 February 2014

1178. Travel Stories (10)

It happened at a New York airport.

A crowded United Airline flight was cancelled.  A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers.  Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.  He slapped his ticket on the counter and said

"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be first class."

The agent replied "I'm sorry sir.  I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed.  He asked loudly, so that the other passengers behind him could hear -


Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.  "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.  "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 who does not know who he is.  If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14."

As the passengers behind laughed hysterically, the man gared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth and said "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that too."


Tuesday, 4 February 2014

1177. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (7)

Q:  What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A:  He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.


Monday, 3 February 2014

1176. I'm Spartacus!

A friend of the family used to fly for US Air, and told us this tale of how one day his plane was one of many trying to land at a busy airport.  One of the controllers came on and reported something happened to cause a further delay and that those planes in a holding pattern would need to stay there.

Almost immediately, one of the pilots responded with "Bullshit!"

The controller then said something to the effect of "Sir, the use of profane language is prohibited on this channel by FAA and FCC regulations.  Please identify yourself."

After a moment, one of the pilots reported, "This is flight 123 and we are negative on the bullshit."  A moment after that, another flight reported in, "This is flight 456 and we are also negative on the bullshit."  One by one, each and every one of the flights reported in as being "negative on the bullshit."


Sunday, 2 February 2014

1175. Out of the mouths of babes... (9)

Susan (4, drinking juice through hiccups):  Please don't give me this juice again.  It makes my teeth cough."


Saturday, 1 February 2014

1174. Mothers are so boring...

Little boy (4):  "Mummy, how does Daddy give you seed to make a baby?"
Mother (taking a very deep breath):  "Well, you see, darling, it's like this...."
A few minutes later
Little boy:  "OK, but what time is Granny coming to fetch me?"