Sunday 31 March 2013

Friday 29 March 2013

Wednesday 27 March 2013

912. What we mean is what we don't say... (92)

We say:  I don't suffer fools gladly.

We mean:  I like to express myself in this rather grand way to impress people.  It also tells them I'm terribly wise.

What is says about us:  I'm an intolerant pain in the ass.

-oOo-

Tuesday 26 March 2013

Sunday 24 March 2013

910. Grumpy Old Quotes (16)

Early to rise and early to bed.  Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

James Thurber
-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Saturday 23 March 2013

909. Answers to Hecklers (17)

Brendan Dodds:  "You're the kind of girl who thinks 'friends with benefits' means seeing someone who's claiming Jobseeker's Allowance."

-oOo-

Friday 22 March 2013

908. Suburban story

Thursday morning, pouring with rain.  Doorbell rings. Ann, having just finished breakfast, opens the door.  Before her is her next door neighbour, Linda, looking flushed and upset.

Linda:  Sorry to bother you Ann, but my car’s been stolen from the front of the house and I don’t know what to do... (bursts into tears)

Ann:  Oh you poor thing, come in out of the rain, and have a cup of tea, we’ll figure something out.

Amid hiccups and steaming cups –

Ann:  Let’s think back to see when it was stolen.  Last night we went out at 8 and I noticed your car wasn’t there and remarked to my husband that it was unusual that you were out at that time on a weekday.  It must have already gone.  When did you last use it?  To take the kids to school this morning?

Linda: (sniffling) No, it was a nice day and we decided to walk...I don’t know how I didn’t notice it wasn’t there...

Ann:  What about this afternoon, did you collect them in the car?

Linda: No, we walked...

Ann:  Try and remember when you last used the car.

Linda:  (muttering to herself) Wednesday we walked, Tuesday Mum collected them, Tuesday morning Gary took them in, Monday...yes...Monday!  That’s when I last drove it... no wait a minute we walked home because ...oh my God... (claps her hand in front of her mouth)

Ann:  What’s the matter?

Linda doesn’t respond, but leaps to her feet and with an apology and “I’ll get back to you”, makes for the front door and disappears.  An hour later the doorbell rings.

Linda:  I found it!  I had left it parked at the school on Monday and they were about to have it towed away.  Gary will be furious...

Ann:  No he won’t – you found it and it hadn’t been towed away!

Linda:  I know, but I’d left the sunroof open...

-oOo-

Thursday 21 March 2013

907. Kulula Airlines (15)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
.
-oOo-

Tuesday 19 March 2013

906. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (101)

When we lived in Abercan, my husband worked for the Forestry Commission and we lived in Commission houses.  He was known as Terry Trees and his boss, who lived nearby, was Roberts-the-Wood.

Janis Pembridge from Spain


905. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (18)

He'll be doing joined-up writing next.

-oOo-

Friday 15 March 2013

903. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (11)

"We bought Ray-Ban sunglasses for five Euros - £3.50/US$6 - from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

-oOo-

Thursday 14 March 2013

902. What we mean is what we don't say... (91)

We sayShe's FAT.

We mean:  Thank God I'm not as fat as she is.  Looking at her makes me feel better about myself.

What is says about us:  I'm terrified of being fat.

-oOo-

Wednesday 13 March 2013

901. Celebrity Quotes (28)

My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm gong to be an uncle or an aunt.

- Chuck Nevitt, NC State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice.

-oOo-

Tuesday 12 March 2013

900. Grumpy Old Quotes (15)

Getting older is all about high blood pressure, high cholesterol, high anxiety and low sex drive.  At my age, 'safe sex' is not falling out of bed.

Anon
-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Monday 11 March 2013

899. Answers to Hecklers (16)

(Or from them, in this case...)

Jim Tavare:  "Good evening, I'm a schizophrenic."

Heckler:  "Why don't you both get lost?"

-oOo-

Sunday 10 March 2013

898. Comebacks (20)

You:  I reckon you'd make a great exchange student.

Friend: Wow, you really think so?

You: Yes, we might be able to exchange you for someone nice.

-oOo-

Saturday 9 March 2013

897. Kulula Airlines (14)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
.
-oOo-

Friday 8 March 2013

896. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (100)

There used to be two Joneses who were managers of a chemist shop - one was known as Jones-Chemist and the other Jones-Boots because he managed Boots The Chemist.

BT, Ebbw Vale

-oOo-


Tuesday 5 March 2013

893. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (10)

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned.  The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

-oOo-

Monday 4 March 2013

892. What we mean is what we don't say... (90)

We sayI don't know much about wine, but I know what I like.

We mean:  What is there to know?  Meh... it's red, it's white.  Stuck-up people will tell you it tastes of raspberries or almonds - they're just showing off, it all tastes the same.

What is says about us:  I know nothing AT ALL about wine, but no one is going to make me feel thick. 

-oOo-

Sunday 3 March 2013

891. Celebrity Quotes (27)

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

- Rod Stewart

-oOo-

Saturday 2 March 2013

890. Grumpy Old Quotes (14)

In my next life I'm going to come back as a former good-looking, now quite fat and plain 50-year-old man, who's just been sadly widowed or divorced, and I would go to the country and I would clean up.  I would get a bonk every night of the week.

Jilly Cooper, Grumpy Old Women
-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Friday 1 March 2013

889. Answers to Hecklers (15)

Arthur Smith:  "Sorry, I can't understand what you're saying...I'm wearing a moron filter."

-oOo-