Wednesday, 30 November 2011

442. What we mean is what we don't say (16)

We SayActually I'm not altogether comfortable with what you're saying...

We Mean:  You're a disgusting, lying, ageist, racist, molesting, bullying, abusing, sexist son-of-a-bitch, but I'd be accused of discrimination if I said so.

What is says about us:  Restraint and understatement - that's the name of the game.  We're British after all.


Tuesday, 29 November 2011

441. Welsh idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (45)

I worked for the old Red & White Bus Company, which in turn became National Welsh, and almost everyone had a nickname. Among them was

Dai Trousers, because his trousers always quarreled with his ankles;

Legs and Braces, quite tall and wearing the obvious;

Head and Shoulders, because he was of short stature, and that was all you could see of him when he was behind the wheel;

Dai S.R. nothing to do with toothpaste, but he had a penchant to "release wind"...

These are just but a few.
Clive Fisher, Aberdare

Monday, 28 November 2011

440. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - That place with the long name...

It is now many years since the last train stopped at the railway station with the longest name in Britain, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwll-Llantysilio-gogogoch, in Anglesey.

When a train stopped at the station the porter would cry out "Anybody in there for here?"


(Compare with entry 281...)

Saturday, 26 November 2011

438. True Stories told by an airport ticket agent (8 of 12)

A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked,  ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

Friday, 25 November 2011

437. What we mean is what we don't say (15)

What we sayI'm puzzled as to why you said that...

What we mean:  I'm not puzzled, I'm astonished at your rudeness, but at least one of us has to be civilised...

What it says about us:  Restraint and understatement - that's the name of the game.  We're British after all.


Thursday, 24 November 2011

436. In the supermarket

Mother (65):  This Supadog Meaty Chunks stuff is quite a well known brand, isn't it?

Daughter (39):  Yes but I don't know if he likes it.  Do you know?

Mother:  Don't know, haven't asked him, and if I do he doesn't answer...

(Gustavo's comment:  that's a negative thing to say - perhaps he answers and it's you who doesn't understand...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Wednesday, 23 November 2011

435. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (44)

My mother, along with several other girls from the Kidwelly area moved to Birmingham during the war to work at the Castle Bromwich aircraft factory where they built Spitfires. As part of the training they had to have lessons in reading Vernier gauges and micrometers. The instructor, Mr Richards, soon became known as Decimal Dick.

On moving back to Kidwelly in 1980, my father wanted some manure to enrich the vegetable plot that had lain fallow for many years. He asked his mates in the Nelson (pub) who gave him the telephone number of a local stable owner. My mother told him to put it in the phone book. One day, when I was looking through the phone book I noticed the entry - Thomas the Shit.

Tuesday, 22 November 2011

434. True Stories told by an airport ticket agent (7 of 12)

A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''  I said,  'No, why do you ask?'

He replied,  ''Well, when I checked in with the airline,  they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT),  and I'm overweight.  I think that's very rude.''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage...


Monday, 21 November 2011

433. It pays you to keep your files...

Scene:  New employee being trained on a computer system.

Woman (58):  So, do I need to keep that file?

Woman doing takeover training (29):  It's up to you - you may want to retain it for prosperity.


Saturday, 19 November 2011

431. What we mean is what we don't say (14)

We SayI think you'll find...

We Mean:  Just so you know I'm wiser than you...

What is says about us:  The fact that I need to point it out is a bit of a give-away, but I have an image I'm trying to keep up, so get over it.


Friday, 18 November 2011

430. True stories told by an airport ticket agent (6 of 12)

An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week.  She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.,  and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.  Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.


Thursday, 17 November 2011

429. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Normal Conversation (4)

Three Welshmen in a pub praising the beer.

First Welshman:  Best glass of beer I never tasted no better.

Second Welshman:  So did I neither.

Third Welshman:  Neither did I too.


Wednesday, 16 November 2011

428. Visit to the cinema

Rainy afternoon.  Children at cinema with father, queuing to get in.
Boy (10):  What’s the film about Daddy?
Girl (7):  (Loudly and clearly, before father has time to reply)  I want cockporn please Daddy.

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

427. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (43)

An Oakdale/Celynen North deputy was called Roy Scarf because the men said he was always hanging around their necks.

Gareth from Oakdale


Monday, 14 November 2011

426. True stories told by an airport ticket agent (5 of 12)

An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if she could rent a car in Dallas.  I pulled up the reservation and noticed she had only a one-hour layover in Dallas.  when I asked her why she wanted to rent a car, she said "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we'll need a car to drive between gates to save time."


Saturday, 12 November 2011

424. What we mean is what we don't say... (13)

We sayIf I ever get like that, shoot me...

We mean:  If I ever get like that, remember this conversation but DON'T shoot me.  Admire me for the brain I once had.

What it says about us:  Please like me!


Friday, 11 November 2011

423. Hailstones

Woman (47):  ... it was a terrible storm.  At home we were getting hailstones the size of 'goff' balls.

Daughter (19):  Golf Ma, golf.  There's an "l" in the middle.

Woman:  Yes yes, I know, I say it but I just don't pronounce it, that's all...

(Gustavo's comment:  reply is 100% mother)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Thursday, 10 November 2011

422. True stories told by an airport ticket agent (4 of 12)

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"

"No", I said.

She replied "but they're so close on the map..."


Tuesday, 8 November 2011

421. Wish I hadn't said that... (1)


A young couple are in a department store, beds department, choosing their first double bed, and are enjoying going into every detail with the salesman.

Salesman (40s):  There's a drawer underneath, which opens out like so... (demonstrates).

Young man (21):  Is that on both sides?

Salesman:  No, on one side only.

Young girl (20):  Ooh I don't like the idea of it opening on my side, I could trip over it.  What side do I sleep on?  I've suddenly gone blank!

Young man (showing off)  Well, let's see... our bed faces south, so I'm on the east side and you're therefore on the wet side.  

Before he has time to correct himself, the salesman hurriedly intercepts, unwittingly compounding the error.

Salesman:  Would you like to try it?

(Overheard at John Lewis department store)


Saturday, 5 November 2011

419. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (42)

Dai Evans was one of a big extended family, and used to be known as Dai Two.  When he passed away the nickname was transferred to another family member named Dai, and when talking about him, people used henceforth to refer to him as Evans Above.


Friday, 4 November 2011

418. True Stories told by an airport ticket agent (3 of 12)

A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!'' 


Wednesday, 2 November 2011

416. What we mean is what we don't say (12)

What we say"It stinks."

What we mean:  "I don't like it." 
This catch-all phrase stops me from having to think in proper English, but is suitably strong to convey my feisty image.  I'd be a whistleblower if I was brave enough...

What it says about us:  ...but I'm not, cos I'm all mouth.