Sunday, 30 September 2012

742. What we mean is what we don't say... (76)

We saySorry to interrupt you, but can I just ask ....

We mean:  I'm not sorry and I'm in a hurry.

What it says about us:  My needs are greater than yours.


Saturday, 29 September 2012

741. Celebrity Quotes (11)

Breasts like granite and a brain like Swiss cheese.
- Billy Wilder on Marilyn Monroe


Friday, 28 September 2012

740. Overheard on the bus

Lady I (61):  I'm a cleaner, but I do things MY way.  If I want to do a deep clean I do, if I want to give the place a lick and a promise I do - they respect it, because I can treat the house as if it was my own - well, you know what I mean.  I'm 61 and I work there because they don't give me orders, otherwise it would be a case of 'see you later alligator'.

Lady II (63):  I work too, 'cos I can't afford to live unless I work.  Anyway I'm only 63 and I'm young, I'm not going to go to an old people's home to scratch myself all day...

(Gustavo's comment:  I'd still be able to scratch myself at home, if it was me...)

(Very) loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Wednesday, 26 September 2012

738. Comebacks (4)

Man: Do you want to dance?
Woman: NO

Man: Sorry, I think you misheard me...I said, You Look fat in those pants.


Tuesday, 25 September 2012

737. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (85)

A baker became known by different nicknames as his business and social standing increased.  First he was known as "Dai The Bread", and soon became "Dai the Rolls" after purchasing a large car to demonstrate his wealth.  Finally he was known as "Dai Upper Crust" when he received a knighthood.

There was a local miner called "Bells" because he was always complaining he was wringing wet after a shift.

Another was called "Gary Banana Back" because he constantly complained about his back being like that fruit after a shift.

There was another called "Dai Piano" who was constantly cadging cigarettes as he had left his at home - on the piano.

Lastly there was "Dai Rob the Dead" who reputedly claimed a dead man's fully coal laden tram as his own in order to boost his wages.

Ian Price from Cwmparc 

Monday, 24 September 2012

736. What we mean is what we don't say... (75)

We sayIf I'm like this when I'm old, please shoot me, for heaven's sake...

We mean:  If I'm like this when I'm old, please DON'T shoot me, for heaven's sake.

What it says about us:  I need you to like me in good time before I become a miserable old git.


Sunday, 23 September 2012

Friday, 21 September 2012

733. Putdowns (8)

Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.


Thursday, 20 September 2012

732. What we mean is what we don't say... (74)

We sayDo I remember?  Er, yes, vaguely.

We mean:  Don't know what you're talking about, but don't want you to think I wasn't listening first time round...

What it says about us:  actually it's far too boring to have paid attention the first time.


Wednesday, 19 September 2012

731. Celebrity Quotes (10)

Avoid all needle drugs.  The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.
- Abbie Hoffman


Tuesday, 18 September 2012

730. On the bus

Young lady (28) :  (In raised voice)  No, look, I don't mind having sex with anyone 'cos I'm an atheist, see...

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Sunday, 16 September 2012

728. Comebacks (3)

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be too, if you sit down.


Saturday, 15 September 2012

727. What we mean is what we don't say... (73)

We say:  I don't like it.  See, I'm funny like that...

We mean:  I'm telling you modestly how unique my opinions are, and that I believe in saying what I think at all times.

What it says about us:  I'm a self-centred person who believes I'm far more interesting than anyone else.


Friday, 14 September 2012

726. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (84)

When I was a 15 year old screenboy working at Marine pit in Cwm we boys were forever trying to sneak off a few minutes early to be first to bath. But we were terrorised by a timekeeper who wasn't averse to hiding between the wagons in the sidings to catch us. From an injury received he was minus one arm so hence his nickname "The One Arm Bandit".

Conversely the other timekeeper was called "The Crook with the Book". Then we had Dickie Butterballs for whatever reason and my grandfather from his expertise with racing pigeons was Bill Pigeon and my father who worked with him as colliers was Ike Pigeon.

The list was endless - when I moved on to the steel industry at Ebbw Vale we had one young lad about six stone soaking wet who always seemed to be getting things wrong and when challenged would raise is arms up and state "it wasn't me". So he soon became "Hands Up".

Dillwyn from Cwm

Thursday, 13 September 2012

Tuesday, 11 September 2012

723. Putdowns (7)

You're about as much use as a Betamax videorecorder.  (Anon)


Monday, 10 September 2012

722. What we mean is what we don't say... (72)

We say:  (To a child)  I don't think that's a very good idea...

We mean:  I'm going to get very cross with you if you do it.

What it says about us:  By understating it I'm letting you think I'm treating you like an adult.  You're still too young to understand how cleverly I'm dealing with the situation.


Sunday, 9 September 2012

721. Celebrity Quotes (9)

He had the compassion of an icicle and the generosity of a pawnbroker.
- S J Perelman on Groucho Marx


Saturday, 8 September 2012

720. Cat Dictionary Series (36)

Woman:  Look John, look at Banjo the way he's looking up at me with those big melting green eyes.  Isn't he simply gorgeous?  Come Banjo, do you want to get on the sofa with us?  Come and sit in the middle (pats the cushion).

Banjo:  You're sitting in MY seat.  Do you think cats make eye contact to be soppy?  Get out of MY seat... NOW!!


Thursday, 6 September 2012

718. Comebacks (2)

Man: So, how do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.


Wednesday, 5 September 2012

717. What we mean is what we don't say... (71)

We say:  That looks a bit iffy/dodgy.

We mean:  It stinks, it sucks, I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot barge pole.

What it says about us:  I'm British, so "a bit iffy/dodgy" will do.


Tuesday, 4 September 2012

716. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series.(83)

My father worked at Abergorki Colliery, Mountain Ash.
- Two of his friends were known as Mr Tate and Mr Lyle - they both suffered from sugar diabetes.
- Others were Dai Black and White - he delivered milk in the morning and coal in the afternoon.
- Dai Spitfire belonged to the ATC (Air Training Corps).
- Dinah Pop made and sold what she called lemonade.
- Tommy Buckets had a big head.

Graham Thomas from Cwmbran

Monday, 3 September 2012

715. On the bus - Facebook annoyances

Hot Chick I (22):  I'm soooo pissed off today.  Guess who deleted me off his Facebook?

Hot Chick II (25):  No idea

Hot Chick I:  Pablito

Hot Chick II:  Aaaah - but you hate him, so that's OK.

Hot Chick I:  Yeah but, I didn't delete HIM, HE deleted ME.  Do you see what I mean.  You fall out with them but you don't delete them, it's diplomatic.  And then he goes and deletes ME.  I'm really angry...

Hot Chick II:   LOL.... I don't understand you.  What does it matter?

Hot Chick I:  What do you mean it doesn't matter???????

(Gustavo's comment:  I don't understand it either)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Saturday, 1 September 2012

713. Putdowns (6)

I'd like to leave you with one thought...unfortunately I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it.