Monday, 30 May 2011

261. All-time favourite joke series - The Old Geezers


Butch and Sid were in their 80s and reckoned they were close to their last days of going out on the town, so they decided to have a final fling.  After quite a few drinks, Sid suggested they carry on to the local brothel.

The madam took one look at the two old geezers and whispered to her manager -

"Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed.  These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two my girls on them.  They won't know the difference."

The manager did as he was told and the two old men went upstairs and took care of business.

As they were walking home some time later...

Butch:  You know Sid, I think my girl was dead.

Sid:  Dead?  What makes you say that?

Butch:  Well she never moved or made a sound all the time I was lovin' her...

Sid:  Could be worse - I reckon mine was a witch.

Butch:  Hell, why d'you say that??

Sid:  I was makin' love to her, and kissin' her and such, and I gave her a little bite, and then she farted and flew out the window.  Dang it, she took my teeth with her too...


Sunday, 29 May 2011

260. Hospital Administrators Research Forum meeting (1)

Scene:  Serious instructor, emphasising that all must be just so when we're inspected by the MHRA.

Instructor (male, 28):  The MHRA Standards state that everything must be regularly calibrated, including  the height charts on the wall.

Research Administrator I:  You mean those ones that are nailed to the wall?  They need to be calibrated more than once?

Instructor:  Absolutely

Research Administrator II:  In case of earthquakes or building subsidence presumably.


Saturday, 28 May 2011

259. Wake?

Woman I (45):  Did you go to the wake?

Woman II (50):  No, I don't think anybody went.

Woman I:  Why?

Woman II:  Because there wasn't a wake.

(Gustavo's comment:  Ahhhh - so all in all you're still not sure if anybody went???)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Thursday, 26 May 2011

257. Bath windowsill

There's that stupid poodle next door being taken out for a walk. 
Yapping at me as usual...

Attaboy, never mind the lead, climb on up, make my day...


Wednesday, 25 May 2011

256. All-time favourite joke series

A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

Teacher:  How do you know that the cat was dead?

Pupil:  Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move.

Teacher:  You did WHAT?

Pupil(Uncertainly) I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move...


Tuesday, 24 May 2011

255. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (7)

David Maxwell Fyfe, 1st Earl of Kilmuir (1900-1967) was a British Conservative politician, lawyer and judge.  During the 1950s he was Home Secretary and cabinet minister for Welsh affairs. 

As such he travelled regularly to Wales, where he was known as Dai Bananas.


Monday, 23 May 2011

Sunday, 22 May 2011

253. Soliloquy at the petrol station

Scene:  I have filled my car with petrol and go in to pay.  I hear the radio blaring as I make my way to the till, where the 20+ year old cashier has just finished serving a customer.  As I step up to the till I hear the radio disc jockey mention that after the news he'll be playing the latest song of "the delectable Lady Gaga".

Cashier:  Delectable?  I tell you I'm sick and tired of hearing about her.  Can't STAND her.  She looks awful, dresses worse, dead artificial.  People just talk about her, not about the music.  She's supposed to be a singer...

Me:  Mmm.  Pump No. 14 please.

Cashier:  Like that Madonna - all the rage in the 90's she was.  Couldn't STAND her.  Them pointy tits.  Always had to be in the news about other stuff.  She was supposed to be a singer...

Me:  Mmm.  Do I put my card in this way up?

Cashier:  Yes love.  I tell you, these women are there to sing, but all they want you to do is look at them, not listen to their voices.  Can't STAND them.

Me:  Mmm.  Can I take my card out now?

Cashier:  Yes love.  I mean, look at footballers.  We want to watch them play and all they want to do is screw around and appear in newspapers and demand a lot of money.  Can't STAND that.  I've read that they used to pay footballers £20 a week back in the fifties, and look at them now.  Just for kicking a ball around...

Me:  Mmm.  I know, it's a scandal.  Well, bye for now.

Cashier:  Bye love.  Nice talking to you.


Saturday, 21 May 2011

252. The Right Answer at the Right Time (3 of 5)

The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he had stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day" the bobby said.

The kid replied "Well, I got here as fast as I could."

When the policeman finally stopped laughing he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.


Friday, 20 May 2011

Wednesday, 18 May 2011

249. In downtown Buenos Aires on a hot day

Woman (60):  The tube(1) staff are on strike, the ice-cream machine's out of order at the Vesuvius ice-cream parlour so there's no zabaglione flavour - I tell you, nothing works in this country.  It's chaos.  Don't know why I bothered coming into town today...

Comment by Gustavo:  Quick survey - is this woman a natural pain in the ass, a follower of Lilita Carrió (2), or both?

(1) Subway/Underground
(2) Lilita Carrió:  Argentine politician renown for being difficult.

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Monday, 16 May 2011

247. Cat Dictionary Series (30)

The Fox

Scene: Banjo hasn’t come back in at 11 p.m. or so to sleep in a warm corner.  No amount of calling brings him bounding back into the house for his late night snack.  Some time later the woman hears the sound of an animal screaming, and becomes convinced that her cat has been mauled by a fox.  It’s midnight, and the man drives round the block hoping to see him, while the woman back at home goes to pieces imagining the worst.  The neighbours all seem to be asleep. 

At 1 a.m. they’re both sitting miserably at the table, going outside every so often to call him. At 1.30 a.m. to their speechless delight, they see him trotting along the wall of the house opposite, jumping down and sauntering calmly into the house and straight to his feeding bowl.  The woman continues to blub helplessly from the shock.  They gradually realise that what they heard screaming was a couple of mating foxes which have been seen in the area.

Translation:  Lost track of the time out there – what on earth’s been going on here, have I missed anything?


Saturday, 14 May 2011

245. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (8 of 11)

Tech Support:   I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.

Customer:         OK.

Tech Support:   Did you get a pop-up menu?

Customer:         No.

Tech Support:   OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?

Customer:         No.

Tech Support:   OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?

Customer:          Sure.  You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.

Friday, 13 May 2011

244. All-time Favourite Joke Series – Police Call

George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go and turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who after checking his address, asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”.  Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.  George said “OK”, hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.”  Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George:  “I thought you said you’d shot them.”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available”.


Wednesday, 11 May 2011

243. Welsh Idiosyncrasies – Nickname Series (5)

A man from Pencoed and Bridgend who was an amputee and had a prosthesis: 
Dai Tin Leg

A factory inspector for whom everything was “two thou out”:  Billy-two-thou

A man who helped his wife with the housework:  Will Mary-Ann

A man who always managed to wriggle out of paying for a drink:  Tom Tadpole

G Goodman, Cape Town


Sunday, 8 May 2011

240. The right answer at the right time (2 of 5)

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsburys' store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.  She asked a passing assistant "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The assistant replied "I'm afraid not, they're dead."


Saturday, 7 May 2011

239. Art Imitating Life? (2)

Background:  The hospital where I work has launched a project to brighten up the corridors and make them less institution-like. 

Laboratory Manager to colleague as they walk down the corridor:  I can't imagine what idiot thought this one up - those look exactly like bacteria colonies seen under a microscope.  Just what you need to reassure patients in a hospital where MRSA is a constant worry...


Thursday, 5 May 2011

237. Welsh Idiosyncrasies. Nickname Series (4)

Dai Up and Down:  for two reasons -

1.  Because one day he was OK for money, the next he wasn't.

2.  The way he walked after a pit accident when one leg remained shorter than the other.


Wednesday, 4 May 2011

236. Men at Work

Office Manager (40):  the corridor is looking so much better and brighter isn’t it?

Workman in overalls covered in paint (30):  Yep.  Better, innit?  Ooh, I’ve got to put up a ‘wet paint’ sign...

Office Manager:  shall I do one for you?

Workman:  No ta, I’ve got a piece of paper here and a pen.  How do you spell “wet”?

Office Manager:  That’s W – E - T

Workman: Ta

Office Manager:  Do you need me to spell “paint”?

Workman:  No, ta, I’ll get that off the tin.


Tuesday, 3 May 2011

235. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (7 of 11)

Scene:  A man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box, to worried operator.

Man:  Hang on a minute, I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.


Sunday, 1 May 2011

233. By the fountain in the park.

Chavette (18):  Oy, don’t flick water at me you idiot, I’m off to work.

Chav (20):  Bah – now you’re pretending you have a serious job ‘cos you’re sitting in a chair for 8 hours a day.

Chavette:  Havin’ your ass in a chair for 8 hours a day when you don’t wanna be there and they pay you for it, that’s a serious job.

(Gustavo’s comment:  I’m with the Chavette 100%)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.