Monday, 28 February 2011

173. Hairdressers (VI), Bristol

Scene:  Conversation about what to do in a medical emergency at home when there’s nobody to ask…

Female customer (50):  Last year we was sitting in front of the telly when my husband got a coughing fit.  Suddenly it all goes quiet – at first I thought oh good now I can hear what they’re saying again, but then I glances at him and see his head slumped on his chest…and…

Another female customer (35):  (interrupting) Oh my God!  What had happened to him??  Was he OK??

Customer (50):  Oh yes, he couldn’t breathe so he had just fainted.

Stylist (42):  (switching off the hairdryer so everybody could hear properly) So what did you do?

Customer (50):  I didn’t know what to do, so I went to the kitchen and got him a glass of water.

Customer (35):  And did it help?

Customer (50):  No, he was unconscious.  But he came round after a bit.

Silence in the salon.  The stylist hurriedly starts up the hairdryer again.


Sunday, 27 February 2011

172. Hairdressers (V), Bristol

Scene:  Conversation about parking tickets

Stylist (42):  My brother got a ticket the other week – he was doing nearly 50 miles per hour in a 30 speed limit, cheeky boy.  The dean didn’t take kindly to it either.

Female customer (57):  What’s it got to do with the dean?

Stylist:  It’s his boss.  He’s a canon in the Church of England.

(For a few startled seconds only the sound of the hairdryers could be heard)


Saturday, 26 February 2011

171. Cat Dictionary Series (26)

Scene:  Hello boys, come to join me in the kitchen?  How lovely to see you, and my aren’t you both purring fit to bust!  I love you lots my gorgeous sweethearts, let me stroke you both and scratch you behind the ears.  Mmmm, isn’t that nice?  Ooh it’s nice to be popular, but I’ve got to prepare dinner my poppets…

Translation:  Oh cut the cackle and give us something… (Rusty, this two-prong attack doesn’t work when she’s too thick to realise it’s a snack we want.)


Thursday, 24 February 2011

169. All-time Favourite Jokes Series – Transcription of Air Traffic Control Chatter (11 of 12)

Scene:  While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

Irate Ground Controller: (Screaming at the US Air crew)
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

(Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, now shouting):

"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
US Air 2771: (meekly) "Yes, ma'am,"

The ground control communications frequency naturally fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence.

Unknown Pilot:  "Wasn't I married to you once?"


Wednesday, 23 February 2011

168. On the bus, Buenos Aires

Bus driver (46):  Would you put your head back inside please!

Singing passenger (41):  Who – me?

Bus driver:  Yes, you!

Singing passenger:  Was it sticking out that far?

Bus driver:  Yes!

Singing passenger:  Sorry mate, didn’t mean to be a nuisance…  (half under his breath) …they should install a headmeter…

Later, to new female passenger who has just sat down beside him

Singing passenger:  Sorry that you'll be forced to listen to my singing, but apparently because of possible accidents they don’t let me stick my head out of the window to sing out…

Gustavo’s comment:  Barking mad, but a gent

(Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.)


Tuesday, 22 February 2011

167. Cat Dictionary Series (25)

Scene:  Banjo-le-le, my gorgeous ickoo boy, wow what a lovely purr, aren’t you just the most beautiful boy ever, shall I give you a good scratch??? Ooh you like that don’t you?  Behind the ears?  OK then, go on then, let’s give you a lovely scratch, and you just keep on purring…

Translation:  It’s a deal – you scratch, I purr.  You stop, I claw you to death.


Sunday, 20 February 2011

165. The problem with late porn


Father aged 80, living in Spain, has asked his daughter in England to organise adding a channel to his Sky subscription.  He wants the adult channel, but would prefer it if she didn’t mention it to her mother.  The daughter is half way between amused and embarrassed, but doesn’t feel she can refuse the request, and he’s paying for it anyway. 

Further awkward phone calls with Sky take place when he can’t get it to work.  The daughter finds herself having to make calls to Sky from her open plan desk during office hours, telling Sky staff that no, she’s not the subscriber named in the contract, and no they can’t speak to the named person wanting to add the adult channel to the portfolio because he’s 80 and doesn’t understand the technology anyway… (plus he’s in Spain, but this is carefully not mentioned, in case it contravenes their rules… in fact it almost certainly does, but father is not interested in Spanish soft porn…). 

Daughter can well imagine the sort of comments being exchanged by the Sky staff when she puts the phone down…

Two months later, on the phone…

Father (80):  Could you cancel the adult channel, I don’t want it.

Daughter (47):  After all that hassle, and you’ve changed your mind?

Father:  It’s on too late – it starts at midnight, but that’s 1 a.m. Spanish time, and I just can’t stay awake.


Saturday, 19 February 2011

164. All-time Favourite Jokes Series – Transcription of Air Traffic Control Chatter (10 of 12)

Scene:  The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that a KLM 747 listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground Control: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

(The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. )

Ground Control: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground Control: (With quite arrogant impatience) "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206: (coolly)  “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,… and I didn’t land.”


Friday, 18 February 2011

163. Word Wobble (16). Stocktake admin, Avonmouth, Bristol, early 1990s

Telephone conversation with head office

Financial Director (48):  What’s happened with those “Old Year” purchase invoices?  I asked that they should all be marked whether “Old Year” or “New Year” so we know whether to include them at stocktake or not, and some are marked “New Year” but the rest are blank... 

Office Manager (44, female):  I can’t understand it. I gave our new trainee a big batch of “Old Year” invoices and told her to mark them, and I saw her writing on them…

Financial Director:  Oh… hold on a minute… I get it… We have a stack of invoices where somebody’s clearly printed “Oh Dear”…


Wednesday, 16 February 2011

161. Cat Dictionary Series (24)

Scene:  Ickoo little sweetheart Rusty my beautiful boy gonna give me a lickoo cuddle?  Ooh niiiice, scratchums behind the ears, yeeeeees, and not forgetting under chin – you like that don’t you?  Yeeeees, coochee sweetheart.  Oooh yes, don’t you like a good scraaaatch……

Translation:  Left a bit, no right a bit… no, damn, that flea’s got away again.


Tuesday, 15 February 2011

160. All-time Favourite Jokes Series – Transcription of Air Traffic Control Chatter (9 of 12)

Scene:  The pilot of a Cherokee 180 is told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 lands. The DC-8 lands, rolls out, turns around, and taxies back past the Cherokee.

Member of DC-8 crew:  (who has got hold of the radio)  "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

Cherokee Pilot:  (Not about to let the insult go by) "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough for another one."


Monday, 14 February 2011

159. At the Dentist, Bristol (Word Wobble we hope!)

Dentist (55):  So how are your getting on with the new false teeth?  Can you eat OK?

Patient (80):  Alright I suppose, but they tend to drop down when I masturbate.

(With thanks to Bill)

Saturday, 12 February 2011

157. Word Wobble (15). Bristol Family weekend

Niece (7):  Where’s everybody going to sleep, Mum?

Hostess:  We’ll have to double up, it’ll be fun.  I’ll share with Aunty Pat.

Niece:  Mum, you’re not an Elizabethan, are you?

(With thanks to Denise)

Friday, 11 February 2011

156. Cat Dictionary Series (23)

Showing off in the sunshine

Scene:  The couple are in the front garden, talking to a neighbour and suddenly become aware of 11 year old Banjo, who is leaping in the air like a springbok, with his legs rigid, to catch a leaf which is flying in the breeze.  He subdues it and claws it to death, then twists his body with a lightening move as if responding to a danger behind him.  Then back the other way doing a mid-air flip as another leaf sails passed him.  A bird flies overhead, crowing loudly and he pretends to chase after it. Every so often throughout these acrobatics he glances at the couple to make sure they’re watching.

Translation:  You can rely on me; if you run out of food or anything, see how I can hunt.  By the way, do my white chest and paws look more dazzling in the sunshine when I’m facing this way…… or maybe this way?


Thursday, 10 February 2011

155. All-time Favourite Jokes Series – Transcription of Air Traffic Control Chatter (8 of 12)

Control Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Control Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

Tuesday, 8 February 2011

153. Christmas Chit-Chat (5), Dorchester

Guest (male, 83):  Your little boy has lovely dark blonde hair – who does he inherit that from then? 

Child’s Mother (31):  His father was blonde when he was little – I wasn’t though.

Grandmother (62):  I had that colour hair when I was young, I used to have long hair done in a plait, which got cut off one day – I still have it.  Not sure what I’ve done with it though.

Child’s Mother:  I remember seeing a plait in Granny’s house…

Grandmother:  That’ll be it

Grandmother’s husband (62):  How do you know that’s yours though?

Grandmother:  Of course I know, I was there.


Sunday, 6 February 2011

151. All-time Favourite Jokes Series – Transcription of Air Traffic Control Chatter (7 of 12)

Scene:  Overheard by a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance at Munich airport.

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the chubby war?"

Friday, 4 February 2011

149. Cat Dictionary Series (22)

Scene:  Midsummer.  Rusty is off on one of his exploratory wanders.  He leaves the house, crosses the road (a cul-de-sac) ignoring the neighbours immediately opposite – he knows their house and two cats well, not to mention what their food and litter tray are like – and veers off left towards May’s house, an old lady who moved in a few days ago, and lives alone. She’s a friendly soul who, it was discovered later, liked to leave her front door open in good weather; but at the time nobody knew her and it was a novelty. 

Without so much as a by-your-leave Rusty saunters into her house, tail high up in the air, giving May barely a cursory glance where she is sitting in her armchair watching TV.  Startled, May gets out of her chair to follow him curiously and with increasing amusement as she notices him go methodically into each room, walk round the perimeter of every one, meticulously sniffing every item of furniture encountered, and with mounting interest, everything in the kitchen that might hold some nutritional value.

Arms akimbo, May asks him if there’s anything she can help him with.  Without even acknowledging her presence, Rusty jumps up to the sink and hops out of the open window, tail still up in the air. 

May returns laughing to the television set.

Translation:  Banjo, there’s good news and bad news – she has no dogs or anything, but she doesn’t leave food lying around either.


Thursday, 3 February 2011

148. Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours….


A London couple have just moved to the south west of the country and being in a new town, want to make friendly approaches to the neighbours on either side of them.  The ones to the left were particularly kind on moving day, providing cups of tea when the kettle couldn’t be found, offering advice, taking in parcels for them when they were out, and so on.  The ones on the right are a quiet older couple in their seventies who keep to themselves, though they were perfectly friendly when the London couple popped round briefly to introduce themselves a week later.  They were grateful to learn from them the all-important information on the days rubbish is collected. 

A few days later, London lady buys two boxes of chocolates to give to them for Christmas.  A large box for those on the left, tagged “Thank you so much for your help when we moved in, would you like to come over for tea next Tuesday?”, and a small token one for those on the right, whose tag reads “It was a pleasure to meet you, and we much appreciated the advice about rubbish”. 

On her return from Christmas shopping one day, she learns from her husband that he’s delivered the chocolates for her, and had a nice chat with both neighbours, who were delighted.  The following day there's a knock on the door…

Neighbour, Right (70):  What a wonderful big box of chocolates!  This is so kind of you – yes we’d be delighted to come to tea next Tuesday.

London Lady (62):  (In a very faint voice) Oh – er, that’s wonderful, look forward to it…

The couple are wondering whether it is yet safe to come out of their front door.


Wednesday, 2 February 2011

147. All-time Favourite Jokes Series – Transcription of Air Traffic Control Chatter (6 of 12)

Scene:  A military pilot has called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter is running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control to fighter pilot:  “You are number two, behind a B-52 that has one engine shut down.”

Fighter Pilot:   "Ah, the dreaded seven-engine approach..."


Tuesday, 1 February 2011

146. Memorial Plaque Series (19). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

My partner, a civil engineer, tells me that although he didn't know
this gentleman, viewed from his occupation alone
he was probably very aptly named.