Friday, 29 April 2011

232. Art Imitating Life? (1)

Background:  The hospital where I work has launched a project to brighten up the corridors and make them less institution-like.  The above picture is a triptych which we have observed the lady artist working on for the last few weeks.  Finally three men from the Estates Department in their dark green uniforms came with their drills and screws to put it up.  As I was passing they had just finished and were standing against the opposite wall surveying their handiwork with very obvious puzzled looks on their faces.

Man 1:  (scratching his head)  Yeah but.... what IS it?

Man 2:  I tell you what it is.  It's me auntie's hernia.


Thursday, 28 April 2011

231. Cat Dictionary Series (29)

Scene:  It’s pelting with rain outside.  Man opens the front door and calls the cats, and presently two soggy, furry balls emerge from under the woman’s car which is parked on the drive, streak across the lawn and dash inside, wet through.  They know the drill.  They run into the kitchen and jump onto the chair and the kitchen steps respectively, while the man dries them off with paper towels, chiding them gently for going out in the rain.  They purr as they start to warm up again.

Translation:  I think it’s time we started demanding warmed towels for this procedure.  Those paper towels take too long.  Right, that’s enough.  Snack now please.


Monday, 25 April 2011

228. All-time Favourite Joke Series

Background: A little boy doing his maths homework

Little Boy: (to himself) Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven; three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine….

Mother: (horrified) What are you doing?

Little Boy: Maths homework

Mother: And is this the way your teacher taught you to do it?

Little Boy: Yep

(Next day mother visited the teacher)

Mother: What are you teaching my son in maths right now?

Teacher: We’re doing addition at the moment.

Mother: Would you explain to me why you’re teaching them to say “two plus two, the son of a bitch is four”?

Teacher: (trying not to laugh) What I’ve taught them to say is “two plus two, the sum of which is four"....


Sunday, 24 April 2011

227. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (6 of 11)

Directory Enquiries – caller is asking for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator:  “Woven”?  Are you sure?

Caller:  Yes, that’s what it says on the label – “Woven in Scotland”.


Friday, 22 April 2011

225. Welsh Idiosyncrasies. Nickname Series (3)

More nicknames from the 30s and 40s in Llantwit Major –

Ianto Full Pelt – always moving fast;

Tom Fire Dropper – worked for the railway, lighting the fires in the engines;

Empty Handed Arthur – always carrying home bundles of sticks;

Maggie the Dribble – collected for the Christmas Club.

Source: Graham from Cardiff


Thursday, 21 April 2011

224. Religious Instruction Junior Exam

Question: By which name were the people who followed the Lord known?

Reply: The 12 decibels


Monday, 18 April 2011

221. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (5 of 11)

Directory Enquiries

Caller:               I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please.

Operator:          I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?

Caller:               Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.


Sunday, 17 April 2011

220. Welsh Idiosyncrasies. Nickname Series (4)

There were numerous nicknames in Llantwit Major in the Thirties and Forties.  Here are some:

A butcher who had a shop opposite the pub:  Dai In and Out

Another butcher:  Dai Lower Shop

A third butcher named for the way he walked:  Dai Walla Bounce

A man who used to walk on his toes:  Tulip

Graham from Cardiff


Saturday, 16 April 2011

219. The right answer at the right time (1 of 5)

Scene:  Mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane.

Flight attendant (25):  Would you like dinner?

Man seated in front row (25):  What are my choices?

Flight attendant:  Yes or no.


Thursday, 14 April 2011

217. Sunday School (1)

In reply to a question from the Sunday School teacher –

Female Pupil (8):  The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.


Wednesday, 13 April 2011

216. Family Trouble

Bloke (47):  No, I’m telling you, it’s a right fuck-up, cos me brovver's a dickhead, me other ‘alf can’t stand me brovver’s wife, so I says to them I says “we’re goin’ away”, but someone came by the ‘ouse and sussed out that we was inside, and there was all hell to pay, and blimey talk about a family bust up....

(Very!) loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Saturday, 9 April 2011

213. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (4 of 11)

Caller: (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France)
If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?


Friday, 8 April 2011

212. Welsh Idiosyncrasies. Nickname Series (3)

Historian Ralph Thomas’ record of his favourite Welsh Nicknames

There was a colliery supervisor who was known as Thin Scale, which had two possible origins:

One theory is that he used to cadge a "thin scale" of tobacco from his men.

The other concerns his rash judgment of an unsafe pit roof.  "It's only a bit of thin scale, pull it down!", he reportedly said.  The roof promptly collapsed - and it took two shifts to clear the resulting rubble.


Thursday, 7 April 2011

211. Word Wobble (17)

Daughter just back from kindergarden (5):  Dad what’s a penis?

Dad: (uncertainly)  Well…. You know how little boys have a widdle… have you ever seen a little boy having a widdle?

Daughter:  Yes… (puzzled)

Dad:  So what he wees out of is his penis….

Daughter: …Oh… then why did they say at school that we can’t have singing lessons without the penis?  Mrs Proctor plays the piano but she wasn’t there today.  But I don’t think she wees like little boys…?


Tuesday, 5 April 2011

209. Cat Dictionary Series (28)

Scene: There’s two inches of snow on the ground outside, and the man can’t understand why Banjo and Rusty won’t go out for their customary ‘constitutional’ before bedtime.  This is to avoid them using the litter tray in the night. He chides them for not indulging the usual routine he imposes upon them.

Translation:  With those thick clodhoppers you wear on your feet, not to mention the smelly socks you’re rarely parted from, I don’t suppose the small detail about that white stuff being wet and very cold on the paws would cross your mind, would it?  And we’ve never crapped on your carpet yet, have we?  So cut the cackle and give us something to eat instead.


Monday, 4 April 2011

208. On the train, Buenos Aires

Chavette (23):  Yeh, my friend came round and I mixed her a cocktail – a mosquito.

Chav (23):  And what’s that then?

Chavette:  Rhum and mint, you know, the herb...

Chav:  That’s a mojito, not a mosquito…

Chavette:  Well, anyway, she drank it.

(Gustavo’s comment:  Mojito brain…)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Friday, 1 April 2011

205. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (3 of 11)

RAC Motoring Services

Caller:  Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?

Operator:  Doesn't the product name give you a clue?