Saturday, 31 December 2011

473. Cat Dictionary Series (33)

When Banjo and Rusty – the most spoiled cats in the whole of Bristol – jump on the couple’s bed every morning at 5 a.m., they expect attention, and the man usually does what’s expected of him, albeit groaning and complaining. 

He hauls himself out of bed, pads barefoot into the cold conservatory and across it’s freezing stone floor, unlocks both the cat flap and the door to the garden and sits groggily by the open door on one of the garden chairs waiting for the boys to make up their minds on whether they’re going out or not, as an icy breeze sweeps around him. 

They nibble at biscuits, lap a bit of water and wander about undecidedly.  Rusty opts for going back into the house without having ventured into the fresh air, and Banjo jumps on the other garden chair.  The man leaves the conservatory door wide open and goes back to bed.

The woman (58):  (bad tempered first thing) I bet you left that door open for the burglars, and for the rolled blind on the door to rot...

The Man (84):  (defiantly) I want Banjo and Rusty to be able to get out if they want to.

The Woman:  So what’s the cat flap for then.

The Man:  Oh shut up and go back to sleep.  Hang on, is that Banjo mewing?

Banjo, from the garden chair in the conservatory:  Come and close the door, there’s a good chap, there’s a perishing draft coming from the garden...


Friday, 30 December 2011

472. What we mean is what we don't say... (22)

We say It's just not good enough!

We mean:  This is me being decisive and showing them who's boss.

What is says about us:  It might be my fault that it's not good enough, but I'm not falling on my sword, so don't look at me...


Thursday, 29 December 2011

471. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (51)

My dad when he worked in Deep Navigation Colliery, Treharris, was affectionately known as Will the Splicer, as he used to splice the ropes underground.  Love you Dad x.

L Roberts from Hengoed.


Wednesday, 28 December 2011

470. Wish I hadn't said that... (Weathergirl 2)

Scene:  Local TV newsreader Trevor handing over to weathergirl Tracey.

Trevor (30):  Well time now for our local weather, which I’m told is going to be warm and wet.  Are you warm and wet Tracey?


Monday, 26 December 2011

468. Wish I hadn't said that... (Weathergirl 1)

Scene:  Young, pretty local TV weathergirl – the new kid on the block, told that where possible it’s professional to link in with the newsreaders (Gary, in this case) at the beginning and end of her presentation.

Weathergirl (21):  In conclusion there’s a wet front moving in from Ireland, so keep your umbrellas handy. 

So, Gary, are you going to watch that wet front?

(Gary's reply is not recorded)


Sunday, 25 December 2011

467. What we mean is what we don't say.... (21)

We SayGot to go!  See you!  Talk Soon!

We Mean:  You're boring me.  Don't want to talk any more, want to wind up NOW.

What is says about us:  When patience was being doled out, they missed me out.


Saturday, 24 December 2011

466. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (50)

When I got married in the 60s I lived in Pontycymer.  One of my husband's drinking mates was called Dai Bad Back because he was always on the sick.

Jenny Winter, Cardiff, formerly of Bridgend


Friday, 23 December 2011

Wednesday, 21 December 2011

463. Nature Lesson

Internet picture

Infant school teacher (female, 30ish):  Now children, what do you call this little creature?
Hands shoot up.  Me miss!  Me miss!
Little boy selected to give the answer (6):  It’s a pillow cat miss.


Tuesday, 20 December 2011

462. What we mean is what we don't say... (20)

We SayIt won't show...

We Mean:  Why such a fuss over that paint smear/crack in the wall/stain on the carpet/scratch on the polished wood?  Stick something in front of it/over it and stop making a fuss.

What it says about us:  What am I - a painter/builder/carpet cleaner/french polisher?


Monday, 19 December 2011

461. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (49)

My grandmother had a neighbour known as Maggie Small Coals because of her dark eyes, and a man that was a little swishy was known as Dai Handbag (or more properly "Dai 'ambag").  There was also Vern Buses (drove a bus when young) who later became Vern Boring.

Victoria, in Washington DC, USA


Sunday, 18 December 2011

460. The Logic of children...

Scene:  In the fifties, before childcare became what it is today.  Child is being fractious and disobedient, and young parent is reaching the end of his tether.

Father (28):  I'm warning you... what'll happen if I take off my belt?

Child (6):  Your pants will fall down Daddy...

(Plans of discipline collapse in disarray as father cannot keep a straight face)

Friday, 16 December 2011

458. True Stories told by an airport ticket agent (12 of 12)

A New Jersey congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations.  "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York."

I was at a loss for words.  Finally I said "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with "I'm sorry sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."

The man retorted "Oh don't be silly!  Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!"

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered - "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

The reply:  "Whatever!  I knew it was a big animal."


Thursday, 15 December 2011

457. What we mean is what we don't say... (19)

We say (in voice as if announcing a national disaster) There's no butter!

We mean:  I've opened the fridge and looked, and it's not there.

What is says about us:  You never said it could be behind anything.  What am I - a mind reader??


Wednesday, 14 December 2011

456. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (48)

I worked in the coal mines with a man called Robert who had a pronounced limp, and they called him Bob-up-and-down.

Hugh Edghill, Resolven


Sunday, 11 December 2011

453. True Stories told by an airport ticket agent. (11 of 12)

Mary Landrieu, LA Senator, called and had a question about the documents needed in order to fly to China.  After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.  "Oh no I don't.  I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.  When I told her this, she said "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express..."


Saturday, 10 December 2011

452. What we mean is what we don't say... (18)

We say(shouting)    I can't find the sugar!

We Mean:  It's not in its usual place, come and find it for me.

What is says about us:  It's not my fault that I can walk all over you.


Friday, 9 December 2011

451. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (47)

I was reared in Aberbargoed - my Dad was a coal merchant and was known as Jack Jones the Coal.  An elderly lady in the village used to wear a neck choker, and she was Mrs Jones Black Velvet.  Jim Howells was from the Forest of Dean and because of the legend, was known as Jim the Bear, but not to his face.  The local ironmonger would say "Thank you" after every item you asked for, so he was known as Jones Thank You.  A local shopkeeper's brother had a limp, and he was dubbed Billy Jones 'Eck.

Barrie Jones, Pengam


Thursday, 8 December 2011

450. Suddenly I've lost my appetite...

Karen:  Dad, fancy some chicken ding tonight?

Frank:  Sounds interesting - what's it got in it?

Karen:  Well, chicken.

Frank:  What's the ding then?

Karen:  The microwave does that.

Frank:  Aaaah.

With thanks to Karen

Tuesday, 6 December 2011

448. True Stories told by an airport ticket agent (10 of 12)

Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.  I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"

I asked if she meant Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

She said "Yeah, whatever, smarty..."


Monday, 5 December 2011

447. What we mean is what we don't say... (17)

We sayIt's not you, it's me...

We Mean:  I'm pretending to spare your feelings, but actually I'm not brave enough to tell you the real reason why we're splitting up.

What it says about us:  I can't be bothered to analyse it anyway, and I don't want the hassle either.  Nor do I want you passing it on to your friends.


Sunday, 4 December 2011

446. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (46)

I remember trying to make a delivery in West Wales years ago.  The recipient was a David Davies (really narrows it down, eh?).  After much knocking on doors someone finally referred me to the house of Dai-the-Death.  The delivery turned out to be a box of shrouds.

Roy Lewis from Treherbert


Saturday, 3 December 2011

445. Sign? Wot sign?

Man (57):  Hang on, hang on!  What are you doing?  I've been parking here for ten years and I've never been towed off...

(Gustavo's comment:  He's right.  For the last 10 years he's been parking under a "No Parking" sign and he's never had his car towed away before...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Thursday, 1 December 2011

443. True Stories told by an air ticket agent. (9 of 12)

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama, who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''