Thursday, 31 May 2012

625. Celebrity Quotes (2)

"There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full." - Henry Kissinger.


Tuesday, 29 May 2012

623. Insults from the Past (19)

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde


Monday, 28 May 2012

622. What we mean is what we don't say (52)

We sayThought I should copy you this e-mail where it tells you that there's a virus that could destroy your hard drive.

We mean:  With a click of the mouse I'm saving all my contacts from a fate worse than death - aren't I the best?

What it says about us:  I can't be arsed to check first on the internet to see whether it's a hoax or not.  More fun to spread the panic.


Sunday, 27 May 2012

621. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (8)

QCan you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?  (USA)

A:  Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is...  Oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.  Come naked.


Saturday, 26 May 2012

620. A matter of Geography?

Son (8):  This programme is stupid.  First it asks whether the guy is Argentine, then whether he's a Cordobés *.

Gustavo (38):  But that's perfectly correct, if one is an Argentine, one can be a Cordobés or not.

Daughter (11):  Of course - he could have dual nationality...

(Gustavo's comment:  Note to self - buy maps and a big stick.)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


*i.e. from the province of Córdoba

Thursday, 24 May 2012

618. Cat Dictionary Series (34)

Woman:  Ooh Banjo you're such a sweetheart, come here for a cuddle...such a HANDSOME pussycat...aren't you purring the way you head-butt my special cat... (sigh) I ought to be cooking dinner...that's why I came into the kitchen you see...

BanjoMmm.  So why do you think I came into the kitchen after you??


Wednesday, 23 May 2012

617. What we mean is what we don't say (51)

We sayI haven't received any of your e-mails - are you sure you used the correct address??

We mean:  'Course, I haven't checked my spam.

What is says about us:  Can't be bothered to check my spam.


Tuesday, 22 May 2012

616. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (73)

John Evans (brother of my great grandfather) worked in the coal mines - his nickname was Hell Fire Jack (must have been a powder monkey) and ended up with one leg.

Ken Evans, Australia.

Monday, 21 May 2012

Saturday, 19 May 2012

613. Celebrity Quotes (1)

His mouth is a no-go area.  It's like kissing the Berlin Wall.
- Helena Bonham Carter on Woody Allen.


Friday, 18 May 2012

612. What we mean is what we don't say (50)

We say: Sorry I haven't been in touch - my e-mail's been down.

We mean:  I haven't been in touch.

What is says about us:  I like receiving e-mails, not answering them.


Thursday, 17 May 2012

611. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (7)

Q  Can I bring cutlery into Australia?  (UK)

A:  Why?  Just use your fingers like we do.


Wednesday, 16 May 2012

610. Glorious Insults from the Past (17)

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain.


Tuesday, 15 May 2012

609. Freudian slip?

IT Trainer (32): if we detect a virus from a competitor, we uninstall it... sorry I mean an antivirus.

(Gustavo's comment:  A case of no proof without evidence?...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Sunday, 13 May 2012

607. What we mean is what we don't say (49)

We sayI'm gasping for a cup of tea...

We mean:  I'm hot and thirsty.

What it says about us:  Very hot, bitter flavoured water quenches my thirst on a swelteringly hot day by raising my temperature to that of a boiling radiator, so that when I finish the drink the relief is such that I obviously feel cooler... relatively speaking.  (I'm British, you see.  Ice cold water just doesn't cut it).


Saturday, 12 May 2012

606. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (72)

There is a local barber called Ricky Whoah - as in 'slow down'... He gained this nickname by being over zealous with the electric clippers.

Mag from Merthyr.

Friday, 11 May 2012

Wednesday, 9 May 2012

603. IT Helpdesk reporting for duty...

Gustavo (38):  Hey guys, I'm here on behalf of the Helpdesk.  Close down all the programmes you're working on because I'm going to change your antivirus programme.

Colleague (female, 50):  Shall I turn my PC off as well?

Gustavo:  Go on then, I'll install your new antivirus with your PC switched off...

Colleague:  Ah - of course, I see what you mean.  You must think I'm stupid... it's just that I wasn't paying attention...

Gustavo:  Not to worry, it's free anyway, you don't have to pay...

(Gustavo's comment:  She still didn't get the joke - it can't have been a very good one...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Tuesday, 8 May 2012

602. What we mean is what we don't say (48)

We sayI feel all "icky"...

We mean:  I feel sticky and dirty.

What it says about us:  I'm in dire need of a bath, but I'm being cute about it.


Monday, 7 May 2012

601. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (6)

QWhich direction is North in Australia?  (USA)

A:  Face South, and then turn 180 degrees.  Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.


Sunday, 6 May 2012

Friday, 4 May 2012

598. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (71)

In Markham there was a chap called Dai Winding, named after his job of manning the winding gear for bringing the cages up from underground.  And of course there was a Dai the Bookie, but that was probably a common name.
John Moore, Cardiff, formerly of Markham.


Thursday, 3 May 2012

597. Glorious Insults of the Past (15)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand


Wednesday, 2 May 2012

596. Overheard at the hairdressers

Older woman with wet towel round her head:  What are you reading?

Young girl with a row of highlight papers going from forehead to crown:  Ooh I dunno, some police thingy.

Older woman:  I can't help noticing the book's torn to bits, you've just got a small piece there... so how will you know what happened next?

Young girl:  Ooh no, the last bit's all here.  I tore off the bit I'd alread read so's I wouldn't have to carry it...

Older woman:  Aaaaaah............. (?)


Tuesday, 1 May 2012

595. On the bus

(Ring Ring!)

Young Miss (26):  Hi love!

Young Sir's voice clearly heard:  Hello baby, will you give me another blow.job tonight then?

Young Miss:  Stop STOOOOP!!! I've left the hands-free on and I'm on the bus!

(Gustavo's comment:  Hands free, mouth busy)

Detail:  Don't know why, she got off at the next stop...

(Very!) loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.