Thursday, 30 June 2011

292. Fire Training (2)


Mandatory Fire Training at the hospital.  Packed lecture theatre, darkened room, Trainer silhouetted against his PowerPoint presentation, seriously emphasising point by point.  After all, the lives of patients as well as our own could depend on getting it right...

Trainer:  ...A lot has been said on the subject.  Many fire prevention officers have expunged on fire safety in the past and how you should actuate the alarms...


Wednesday, 29 June 2011

291. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (14)

A fitter at Merton Containers who also played rugby for Abercarn was known for patching up jobs with brown tape, so they called him Derek-do-for-now.

Ian Price, Abertillery


Monday, 27 June 2011

289. Fire Training (1)


Mandatory Fire Training at the hospital.  Packed lecture theatre, darkened room, Trainer silhouetted against his PowerPoint presentation, seriously emphasising point by point.  After all, the lives of patients as well as our own could depend on our getting it right...

Trainer:  ...As you know, this can be seen in the whole gambit of fire prevention...


Sunday, 26 June 2011

288. The Right Answer at the Right Time (5 of 5) (X-Rated!)

A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 

"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsovever!"

A smartass at the back of the room raised his hand and asked "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.  When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said -

"Then I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."


Saturday, 25 June 2011

Thursday, 23 June 2011

285. On the mobile, Underground station, Buenos Aires

Lady (34)

Hi my love.

Yes, just getting off the train sweetheart.

What do you mean, what train?  The usual one... the only one I ever take....WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS ASK ME THE SAME QUESTION, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT...

Hello?  hello?   hello?

(Gustavo's comment:  if you don't want to be asked the same question, just as well they cut you off)

With thanks to Gustavo.  Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana.


Wednesday, 22 June 2011

284. Hairdressers VIII - (X rated...)

Customer 1 (70) to Stylist:  I do love your wavy hair, wish mine wasn't so straight...

Stylist:  You should see it when it's wet, I look like a poodle.

Proprietor:  ...and that's the polite version.

(laughter in the salon)

Stylist:  Thanks a lot - are you saying it looks like pubic hair when it's wet?

Customer 2 (40):  Except there's some pubic hair that's sort of straight, isn't there?

Customer 1:  Oh surely, it couldn't would hang down to your knees, wouldn't it?


Tuesday, 21 June 2011

283. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (12)

The head of the Chemistry Department at the University of Swansea in the 80s was a Doctor Wellington, known to many as Boots the Chemist.

Lloydy from Ponty


Sunday, 19 June 2011

281. All-time Favourite Jokes Series

On a beautiful summer's day, two American tourists were driving through Wales.

At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said slowly and carefully...........

"Burr - Gurr - King".


Saturday, 18 June 2011

280. Cat Dictionary Series (32)


Scene:  Summer.  The couple are in the garden, clearing weeds, bedding in new plants, watering, etc, and the hose is lying idle, with a dribble of water coming out in fits and starts.  Banjo and Rusty huddle over this point, determined to catch “it” next time it shows itself coming out of the hose.  The woman notices this and teases them from the tap end by turning it on and off, which makes them pounce and retreat alternately.  Sometimes when the hose is on full, the man manoeuvres the hose to arch the stream of water and he spins on his heels, taking it round full circle, while the cats gallop round like circus horses, chasing the jet of water.  They get drenched, but contrary to normal feline behaviour, seem to love it.

Translation: I tell you Rusty, we nearly caught that thing today, I was within an inch of teaching it a damn good lesson.

Watch the birdie...

Are you turning that tap on or not?


Friday, 17 June 2011

279. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (11)

My mother-in-law Betty Jones from Tredegar worked for the Providence Finance Company.  On her collection rounds she was affectionately known as Betty The Cheque.

June Jones, Oakdale.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

277. At the school gates, Buenos Aires

Child (4):  Mummy, the teacher says we've got to go to the cinema today.

Mother (27):  What?  What did she say exactly?

Child:  Yes, 'cos I asked her if you could take me to the cinema, and she said that if you wanted to you would take me, and I know you want to go, so let's go.

(Gustavo's Comment:  This kid won't need any direct sales training, nor for being a wife, come to that.)

With thanks to Gustavo.  Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana.


Tuesday, 14 June 2011

276. Hairdressers VII

Customer 1:  How’s your brother the Canon?

Stylist:  Actually he’ll be a bishop shortly – being ordained in Westminster Abbey.  The whole family are going to be there, there’ll be a special lunch at Lambeth Palace…

Customer 2:  Wow, what a fabulous occasion.  Are you looking forward to it?

Stylist:  Oh yes.  We’ll all be on our best behaviour…

Salon proprietor:  You’ve got to keep your mouth shut, you mean…

Customer 1:  (disbelieving) Have you been told to….???

Stylist:  They’d better not, or at lunch I’ll be updating them all on Eastenders and Corrie Street, you see if I don’t…


Monday, 13 June 2011

275. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (10)

We had a few Dais in our rugby club.  Dai Phantom ghosted through gaps.  Dai Oil worked on the rigs.  Dai Llandaf, he came from Llandaf RFC.  Dai Steps 6 ft 7" got his name when our hooker Tichy met him the first time and said "I need steps to talk to you."  There was also Jones The Pill, because he worked as a pharmaceutical rep selling birth pills.

Roy Sull - Machen


Sunday, 12 June 2011

274. Memorial Plaque Series (50). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

Mr J W Taylor
1905 - 1979
An Unforgettable Uncle
Everybody Should Have One


Saturday, 11 June 2011

273. Cat Dictionary Series (31)

Scene:  An aggressive, mature and battle-scarred tomcat from 5 doors up (known to the couple as “The Brute”, a long haired black cat with a white blazon on his chest) is patrolling the back gardens of all houses up and down the street.  He walks confidently along the tops of the 6 ft high wooden fences, spitting warningly at any cat who is minding his own business in his own garden.  Sometimes he jumps down to inspect something that takes his interest and to leave scent marks, bounding easily back up again to resume the patrol of “his” territory.  Banjo and Rusty are crouched tensely watching his every move from the patio, not moving a muscle.  Rusty sneezes, a sure sign of stress.

Translation:  We’re watching him, don’t you worry.  I could see him off quite easily of course, but I feel a sniffle coming on...


Friday, 10 June 2011

272. All-time favourite Joke Series. Call Centre Conversations (10 of 11)

Caller:  I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it.  If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?


Thursday, 9 June 2011

271. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (9)

There was a guy who drank in our local pub.  He drove a Porsche so he was called Pete The Porsche.  When he was done for drink driving he was re-christened Pete The Feet.

Mark Phillips, Caldicott


Tuesday, 7 June 2011

269. The right answer at the right time (4 of 5)

A lorry driver was going down a country road.  He came to a sign that read "Low Bridge Ahead".  Before he realised it the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it...

Cars were backed up for miles.  Finally, a police car arrived.  The policeman got out of his car and walked up to the lorry's cab, and said to the driver "Got stuck, eh?"

The lorry driver said "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel..."


Monday, 6 June 2011

268. Hospital Administrators Research Forum meeting (3)

Scene:  Serious instructor, emphasising that all must be just so when we're inspected by the MHRA.

Instructor (male, 28):  The MHRA Standards state that all foles and filders must be up to date.

(And the t's dotted and the i's crossed, presumably)


Sunday, 5 June 2011

267. Gravesend, in the 1950s

Lorna (Guest) (60):  Just thought I'd tell you, your upstairs loo is out of toilet paper.  I found out too late...

Daphne (Hostess) (62):  Well you've got a tongue in your head haven't you?

Lorna:  Yes, but I'm not a contortionist.

(With thanks to John)


Friday, 3 June 2011

265. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (8)

Brenda Smith, New Zealand:

When I grew up in Caerau we had a Jones the Overman, Jones the Commi and Mrs Lewis Shortarm because her left arm was shorter than her right.  Also a friend's father sold fish on a flatback card - and he was Grif the Fish.


Thursday, 2 June 2011

264. Hospital Administrators Research Forum meeting (2)

Scene:  Serious instructor, emphasising that all must be just so when we're inspected by the MHRA.

Instructor (male, 28):  The MHRA Standards state that all forms must be signed and the name of the signatory printed below, in case it's ineligible.


Wednesday, 1 June 2011

263. All-time favourite joke series - Call Centre Conversations (9 of 11)

Tech Support:  OK.  In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the "OK" button displayed?

Customer:  Wow.  How can you see my screen from there?