Monday, 31 January 2011

145. Eavesdropping through a closed door (1970s)

Him (60):  Why did you burst through the door like that?  You made me start and you scared the hell out of the cat….

Her (58):  Well I didn’t know it was the cat you were talking to, I thought it was the cook …

Him:  Have you forgotten it’s the cook’s day off?  And anyway, what was I saying? .....  Come on, tell me, I can’t remember.

Her:  (very reluctantly) You were saying she had a lovely little tummy and you wanted to tickle it…

Saturday, 29 January 2011

143. How big a family should one have?

Scene:  Buenos Aires.  Following a family discussion on having to share a room with one’s parents until (hypothetically) more children appear on the scene, which would necessitate the move to a bigger home with more bedrooms.

Mini female cousin (3):  Ma, I’ve decided.  I am going to have my own room in two.

Maxi female cousin (34, her mother):  In two years?

Mini cousin:  No, in two brothers’ time.

Gustavo’ comment:  My cousin says that with those parameters, the child will be sleeping with them forever…

(Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.)


Thursday, 27 January 2011

141. Cat Dictionary Series (21)

Scene:  One of many cold winter evenings.  The woman has switched on the electric blanket an hour before bedtime, and as the couple enter the room to go to bed, find Banjo stretched out on the duvet, taking up a full third of the space available and purring loudly.  The man says fondly “Isn’t it wonderful the way Banjo loves to sleep with us at night?”

Translation:  Isn’t it wonderful to sleep on a lovely, soft, warm duvet?  Just as long as they keep out of my way every time they turn over...


Wednesday, 26 January 2011

140. All-time Favourite Jokes Series – Transcription of Air Traffic Control Chatter (5 of 12)

Scene:  A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San José Control Tower:  "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. (Pause)…If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."


Tuesday, 25 January 2011

139. Wake up call, 06:30 a.m.

Gustavo (37):  Darling, wake up, it’s 6.30.

Wife (30): (groggily)… And?

Gustavo:  Oops, you’re right, it’s a holiday today, isn’t it?

Gustavo’s comment:  Poor thing.  The one morning that (baby) Joaquín hadn’t woken her up, and I had to go and do it…. Still… I did give her the right timecheck.

(Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.)


Sunday, 23 January 2011

137. Cat Dictionary Series (20)

Scene:  The couple are giving their old fridge away, and someone comes to collect it in a white van with sliding doors down the sides.  When the driver and his helper are all packed and prepare to depart, the man says “Anyone seen Rusty?  He was hovering, and he seems to have disappeared.”  The driver laughs “He’s probably in the van” he says jokingly.  They both climb into the cabin, the engine is switched on.  The man hesitates, the driver engages first gear... “Hold on...hope you don’t mind”, says the man “maybe we ought to have a quick look in the back of your van just in case, sorry to be a nuisance.”  The driver obligingly slides the door open, and out jumps Rusty, seemingly quite unconcerned.

Translation:  All seems to be in order in there.  Right, what’s for dinner?


Saturday, 22 January 2011

Friday, 21 January 2011

135. Word Wobble (14). Irish Hotel, the 1970s

Scene:  In the busy dining room two residents are having dinner. One of them notices that the uniforms of the waitresses are identical, except that some are pale blue and others are pale green.  When a waitress approaches to remove their plates…

Resident (60):  Can you tell me why some of you are in blue and some in green?

Waitress (19):  Well you see sir, the difference is that the blues are the regulars, and greens are the casualties.

(With thanks to John)


Wednesday, 19 January 2011

133. All-time Favourite Jokes Series – Transcription of Air Traffic Control Chatter (4 of 12)

Control tower:  (to a 747): "United 239 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


Tuesday, 18 January 2011

132. On a construction site, Buenos Aires, 2010

Comrade Construction Worker (24):  (wolf-whistling a student) Babe, with those tits you don’t need to study.

Studious Babe (17):   And with that face you won’t even make engineer.

Gustavo’s comment: Big tits and quick wit… that kid’s future is assured.

(Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.)


Monday, 17 January 2011

131. All-time Favourite Jokes Series – Transcription of Air Traffic Control Chatter (3 of 12)

Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:   "I'm bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was bored, not stupid…"


Saturday, 15 January 2011

129. Cat Dictionary Series (19)

Scene:  Banjo has scrambled up the mimosa tree, showing off to the couple below how panther-like he is, climbing ever higher.  Presently they prepare to go back indoors, and Banjo realises it’s a long way down to the ground.  The woman checks a short while later and notices Banjo still up there, looking mournful.  She coaxes him down, letting him grab her shoulder, his panic making him extend his claws and rake them down her back as he jumps to the floor.

Translation:  There was a birdie in the tree an' I was watchin' it for you, but you took too long an' I had to let it go...


Friday, 14 January 2011

128. On the bus, Buenos Aires, Argentina

Guy № 1 (25):  What?  All they gave you was a 500 peso credit limit? 

Guy № 2 (28):  Yeah…

Guy № 1:  That’s terrible.  I have a 5000 peso credit limit on my Mastercard, and ages ago when I got an American Express they gave me an 8000 peso credit limit, or thereabouts, and I can use it abroad – I can even use it in Uruguay…

Guy № 2:  Well (sigh) I don’t know – perhaps it’s because of my low wages.

Guy № 1: That can’t be right.  I earn 1700 pesos, and on my Mastercard I’m allowed to spend up to three times my salary, with no fee and no interest.

Guy № 2:  I don’t know… perhaps it’s because I defaulted on a debt 10 years ago…

Guy № 1:  No, that’s not right, in my opinion they should be giving you the same credit limit as everybody else.

(Gustavo’s comment:  No kid, that’s why you don’t work in credit risk assessment…)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.


Thursday, 13 January 2011

127. All-time Favourite Jokes Series – Transcription of Air Traffic Control Chatter (2 of 12)

Control Tower:  "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341:  “This is TWA2341.  Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower:  “TWA2341, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"


Wednesday, 12 January 2011

126. Memorial Plaque Series (14). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

Top plaque:

John Charles Bircham
  "When the earth claims your limbs then shall you truly dance".

Bottom plaque:

In memory of
Rosa May Lang (nee Drew)
"Que Sera"


Tuesday, 11 January 2011

125. Cat Dictionary Series (18)

Scene:  Rusty has somehow found his way onto the mantelpiece, and having picked his way indelicately over the valuable and vulnerable china ornaments, is rocking his body back and forth as he prepares for the impossible jump sideways and up two feet onto a shelf in the alcove which is also full of much loved knick-knacks.  With visible effort, the woman swallows a hysterical shriek just in case it rattles him and he sends everything to the floor.  The man enters the lounge and she says “Look at him!  I can’t believe how he got up there…”

Translation:  I'll be fine just as long as I can push all this rubbish out of the way...


Monday, 10 January 2011

124. At a party in Carlisle during the 50's

Woman at party (early 30ish):  Have you heard?  Amy Davies got married

Man at party (late 30ish):  Oh?  Who to?

Woman:  You'll love it - his name is Bob Pygge

Man:  ...Wow, I bet he got teased at school a lot.

Woman:  Probably, but there's worse times ahead for Amy...

Man:  Amy Pygge... mmm...she'll have to get used to it I expect.

Woman:  You've obviously forgotten - her middle name is Rhoda.

Man:  Aaaah - gotcha...


Sunday, 9 January 2011

123. All-time Favourite Jokes Series – Transcription of Air Traffic Control Chatter (1 of 12)

(With apologies when they’re not always politically correct…)

Control Tower:   "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles"

Delta 351: "This is Delta 351.  Give us another hint, please.  We have digital watches".


Friday, 7 January 2011

121. Cat Dictionary Series (17)

Scene:  Banjo wakes couple up at 05:30, wanting to be let out.  Man staggers out of his warm bed, padding barefoot across the freezing stone floor of the conservatory, where he opens the cat flap.  However Banjo is used to a more personal service:  he likes his first venture into the icy morning world to be through the door.    He waits as it is unlocked for him, and as the cold blast of sub-zero air rushes in, Banjo hesitates, undecided on whether it might be worth waiting till the day has warmed up a little before venturing out.  Or maybe some biscuits first...  The doorman waits patiently while he makes up his mind, and a couple of minutes tick by.  Eventually His Nibs saunters out, and doorman hastens shivering back to his warm bed, waking his partner to tell her all about it.  She grumpily tells him off for being over-indulgent.

Translation:  They’re shocking those two the way they lie in every morning.  It’s taken me ages to train him to do things properly.  And don't get me started on her lazy habits...


Thursday, 6 January 2011

120. Playing Truth or Consequence… a true story

Whom:  Shy, spotty, hormonal schoolboy (16) meets shy girl (19) with long hair.

When & Where:  In the 1970s, on a bus in Buenos Aires, as they both prepare to descend the steps to get off at the bus stop, the girl first, a step below him.

What were they were wearing:  He is in school uniform, she is in private clothes – a skirt and a revealing crocheted top.

He said to her:  (Horribly embarrassed) Er, oh dear, excuse me, it looks as though my flies are caught up in your top…

She said to him:  You horrible pervert, what are you talking about?  Let go, I want to get off the bus!   (Sound of sniggering from people queuing behind them)

The consequence was:  They were stuck fast, and there was no time to untangle.  They had to get off the bus with her pulling away and he pushing out his hips to try and ensure that he didn’t pull her top right off her.  It took some 10 minutes, because in the process her long hair became entangled in his zipper as well. 

What the world said:  Spectators on the bus were amused, bystanders at the bus stop were bemused and the young protagonists were acutely embarrassed.  He has not forgotten it to this day.


Wednesday, 5 January 2011

119. All-time Favourite Jokes Series - Canadian & US Navy radio exchange

(You have almost certainly seen this one before, but it's in my top three - I couldn't possibly leave it out!).


This is based on an actual radio conversation between a US Navy aircraft carrier (the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.  (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians:  Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans:  Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:  Negative.  You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:  This is the Captain of a US Navy ship.  I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:  No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.


Canadians:  This is a lighthouse.  Your call.


Monday, 3 January 2011

117. Cat Dictionary Series (16)

Scene:  Cat is in litter tray, located in conservatory.  Sounds of much scratching and shovelling.  Grit starts to fly out onto the floor of the conservatory, to the couple’s alarm.  Her: “Look at the mess he’s making, for goodness sake.”  Him:  “The litter needs changing doesn’t it?  When did we last do it?”  Her:  (Sigh)  “You’re right, better do it now I suppose.”

Translation:  Hey you lazy alpha male and female.  This is to let you know the litter needs changing.


Sunday, 2 January 2011

116. All-time Favourite Jokes Series. One evening at the Pentagon...

We all send each other jokes by e-mail; there are millions circulating on the internet.  Over the years I have saved the ones I consider to be up there in my pantheon of all-time greats.  There aren’t many, perhaps half a dozen or so (though one of them is a multiple one, as you will see in due course).  So – apologies - you may find yourself nodding as you read, and saying “I know that one”.  The idea of this blog is to hear/see/find fresh material, but because I consider these to be extra special, I’d like them to be here for the record.  They might be true -  I do so hope they are - but I can’t guarantee it.

A young ensign is working late at the Pentagon one evening.  As he clocks out of his office at about 8 p.m. he sees the Admiral standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

"Do you know how to work this thing?" the Admiral asks.  "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."

"Yes, sir," says the young ensign, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the Admiral, and feeds it in.

"Thanks," says the Admiral, "I just need one copy..."


Saturday, 1 January 2011

115. Cat Dictionary Series (15)

Scene:  Time for bed.  Rusty scratches the door of the airing cupboard, indicating his wish for it to be opened.  He jumps up to the shelf with the towels and burrows in, purring loudly.  It's warm, dark and soft, and very much to his liking.  But then he is seized by a very wet sounding sneezing fit.  "Poor old Rusty" the man says.  "Poor old me", the woman retorts, "I'm going to have to wash all those bloody towels again..."

Translation:  Thank goodness I'm in this gorgeous cosy cave, surrounded by lovely soft hankies...