Tuesday, 31 December 2013

1147. British Humour (2)

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean that all parachutes are perfect.

- Benny Hill

-oOo-

Monday, 30 December 2013

1146. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (125)

A guy who had trouble with his feet and even wore trainers to his own wedding was known as Dai-Quiet.

-oOo-

Sunday, 29 December 2013

1145. British Humour (1)

"I said to this train driver:  'I want to go to Paris'.  He said: 'Eurostar?'  'Nah', I said, 'I auditioned for X-Factor but I didn't get chosen.' "

-oOo-

Friday, 20 December 2013

1144. Out if the mouths of babes (6)

Jack (3)(Watching his mother breastfeed his new baby sister)....:  Why have you got two?  Is one for hot milk and one for cold milk?

-oOo-

Thursday, 19 December 2013

1143. What we mean is what we don't say.... (110)

What we sayIn future...

What we mean:  I'm in charge here.

What it says about us: I'm the only one around here who knows how to maintain standards.

-oOo- 

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

1142. Unemployment

Wayne (45): It was all ‘Wayne do this’ and ‘Wayne do that’ – I was sick of it. I’m 45 years old – FOR-TY-FIVE, I’m nobody’s gofer, so I resigned.

Wayne’s friend (40): OK Wayne, but it was a good job – and you’re 45, it’s going to be difficult for you to get another job.

Wayne: Well, we’ll see whether I can get something straight away or not, but for now – you know what? - I’ve got respect.

Gustavo’s comment: Nice euphemistic way of saying I prefer to laze around scratching myself...

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

1141. Grumpy Old Quotes (38)

A lot of people like snow.  I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.

Carl Reiner

-oOo-


The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Sunday, 15 December 2013

1139. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (2)

Q:  How is dew formed?

A:  The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

-oOo-

Wednesday, 11 December 2013

1138. Travel Stories (6)

"A British friend of mine was walking down a quiet street in New York City using the map on his iPhone, when a mugger demanded his valuables.  Having had a few beers, my mate said to the mugger, "I'll give you my stuff, but could I just have my SIM card out of my phone.  It's going to be of no use to you but I'm travelling and it's got all my addresses and contact numbers."  Amazingly the mugger agreed and they spent the next five minutes working on how to get the SIM out - not an easy task on an iPhone.  When the SIM was handed over, my mate even thanked the thief as he walked away..."

-oOo-

Tuesday, 10 December 2013

1137. Robbie Williams on the Graham Norton Show

Graham Norton's show on BBC1, 24th November 2013.

Guests:  Robbie Williams (singer/popstar)
            Emma Thompson (Oscar-winning actress)
            Jimmy Carr (comedian)

Graham Norton congratulates Robbie Williams on the birth of his new baby, who thanks him gravely.  

Emma Thompson:  "Were you present at the birth?"

Robbie Williams:  "Yes, I was."

Emma Thompson:  "At the business end???"

Robbie Williamspauses, sighs quietly and says slowly:  "Yes...  it was like watching my favourite pub burn down."

-oOo-

Monday, 9 December 2013

1136. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (124)

"My sister's name is Lynda.  Some years back she was having a lot of back problems.  The doctors eventually found out that her problem was that she had one leg slightly longer than the other.  When I found this out I started calling my sister Eileen (as in "I lean sideways").  My mother gave me a clip across the ear and told me off for being to cruel to my sister.  I still call her Eileen though."

-oOo-

Sunday, 8 December 2013

1135. More Air Traffic Control Chatter (18)

Pilot, German airline:  Ve are at fifteen thousand, in and out the bottom.

Anonymous voice on frequency:  Vive le sport!

-oOo-

Friday, 6 December 2013

1133. What we mean is what we don't say.... (108)

What we sayLet's keep in touch!  (OR)  Don't be a stranger!

What we mean:  Meh... I'm not bothered either way.

What it says about us:  At the time I wanted you to like me - but I'm unlikely to see you again, so it doesn't matter.

-oOo-

Thursday, 5 December 2013

1132. In a coffee shop, Buenos Aires

Brat (female, 13): Ma, what’s the internet password?

Brat’s mother (35): Cecilia one, but I thought WiFi was for home only?

Brat: For goodness sake Ma, you don’t know anything. The internet is everywhere.

Brat’s mother: Aaah – I thought the password was for home only, sorry...

Brat: And anyway you’ve given me the wrong one because it won’t work.

Brat’s mother: Try Cecilia without the one.

Gustavo’s comment: Just for the record, in case you live next door to a mother who thinks her daughter knows everything but doesn’t really, the password was Cecilia1.

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

Wednesday, 4 December 2013

1131. Grumpy Old Quotes (37)

Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.

Victor Borge

-oOo-


The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Friday, 29 November 2013

Thursday, 28 November 2013

1128. Travel Stories (5)

A Danish couple were spending a couple of months travelling in South America.  After two weeks the man turned to his partner and asked:  "What does 'Por favor' actually mean?"

-oOo-

Tuesday, 26 November 2013

1126. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (123)

An apprentice joiner was sent to build a new seat in an outside nettie (toilet). He cut a square hole in the seathole and henceforth was forever known as Squarehole-Johnson.

-oOo-

Monday, 25 November 2013

1125. More Air Traffic Control Chatter (17)

Pilot, UAL525:  What's this aircraft doing at my altitude!?

Control Tower:  UAL 525, what makes you think it's YOUR altitude, Captain?

-oOo-

Saturday, 23 November 2013

1123. What we mean is what we don't say.... (107)

What we sayI've left the washing up because I don't know where everything goes and I'm sure you have your own way of doing things.

What we mean:  I hate washing up.

What is says about us:  I hate it so much that I don't care what you think of me (and I have the neck to go with it.)

OR

I'm old enough to get away with it...

-oOo-

Friday, 22 November 2013

1122. Well, you did ask...

Younger son (2): Wod-dis, Daddy?

Father (40): It’s a graphic representation via a matrix of your brother’s little pictures.

Youger son (2): Ah

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

Thursday, 21 November 2013

1121. Grumpy Old Quotes (36)

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent.  People know this, and steer clear of me at parties.  Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

Dave Barry

-oOo-


The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Friday, 15 November 2013

1119. Grumpy Old Quotes (35)

It's no longer a question of staying healthy.  It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Jackie Mason

-oOo-


The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Thursday, 14 November 2013

1118. Travel Stories (4)

Overheard at the Vatican, lady with American accent:  "Bob, if this is the Sistine Chapel, don't you think we should visit the other fifteen as well?"

-oOo-

Wednesday, 13 November 2013

1117. Kulula Airlines (36)

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline  operating in South Africa on domestic flights, that doesn't take itself too seriously. Check out their new livery! And have a read about their Customer Relations.


Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system. The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.



Click to enlarge

-oOo-

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

1116. Welsh Idiosyncrasies (Nickname Series) (122)

An Englishman named David retired to Wales and was told he would have a nickname within the day.  He was very determined that he wouldn't, and didn't give cause of any nickname - but three years later he was rushed to the hospital.

In the pub that night everyone was discussing it when someone asked "What Dai are you talking about?"

The reply came "Dai-same-as-us".

"Why's that then?"

"Cos they die, same as we do."

-oOo-

Monday, 11 November 2013

1115. More Air Traffic Control Chatter (16)

Control Tower:  DAL1176, say speed.

Pilot, DAL1176:  We slowed it down to two-twenty.

Control Tower:  DAL1175, pick it back up to two-fifty... this ain't Atlanta, and them ain't grits on the ground.

-oOo-

Saturday, 9 November 2013

1113. What we mean is what we don't say (106)

What we sayI send my mother/grandmother/aunt birthday cards and greeting cards for Easter, Mother's Day, Christmas and New Year.  I'm in touch all the time.

What we mean:  Life is just so busy...I don't always get time to call.

What is says about us:  Yes, of course I visit her, when time allows.  About once a year.

-oOo-

Friday, 8 November 2013

1112. Seasonal discussion, Argentina

Wife (33): When winter starts here, in the northern hemisphere they’re going into summer.

Son (10): And are the months different over there too?

Gustavo’s comment: Aaaah - bless...

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

Thursday, 7 November 2013

1111. Grumpy Old Quotes (35)

Acting is merely the art of keeping a large group of people from coughing.

Sir Ralph Richardson

-oOo-


The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

1109. Grumpy Old Quotes (34)

Each year it grows harder to make ends meet - the ends I refer to are hands and feet.

Richard Armour
-oOo-


The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Monday, 4 November 2013

1108. Travel Stories (3)

An English family was holidaying in Melbourne; the father wass pulled over by the police for the fourth time on the trip for speeding.  The policeman asked him if he'd been stopped by the police in Australia before, to which he replied "No", only for his young son to lean forward and shout out loudly, "Oh no Daddy, not again!"

-oOo-

Sunday, 3 November 2013

1107. Kulula Airlines (35)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights. Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system. The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

Fourth Wife Flies Free


(Below is total transcription of what is on the poster, as you may not be able to read it even by double clicking on it)
.
"Should you find yourself flying across our beautiful nation on business, holiday, or even, say, on honeymoon, you’ll be pleased to hear that as long as all five of you fly together, not only will you get a great deal on kulula.com flights for your first three wives, but your fourth wife will fly free, mehala, on the house*. "
.
"(For hat purposes, our overhead storage spaces are 40cm in height. Each passenger has a limit of seven kilogrammes per hat.)"

.
"  *Legal stuff applies."

4 Rings at the top are intertwined and say "I Do/I Do/I Do/Me Too".

-oOo-

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

1106. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (121)

During the war the Germans sent a spy to the valleys to make contact with German sympathisers.  He parachuted near to this village and the password to use was "There is a welcome in the hillside."  His contact was to be a man named Davies.

When he saw a man coming towards him he asked him if he knew of anyone named Davies living in the village.

"Yes, I know quite a few actually.  Let's see.  There's Davies-the-Bread, Davies-the-Milk, Davies-the-Coal... and as it happens, my name is Davies."

The German leaned over and whispered the password "There is a welcome in the hillside."

"Oh, you should have said" - said Davies - "You'll be wanting Davies-the-Spy then?"

-oOo-

Sunday, 27 October 2013

1105. More Air Traffic Control Chatter (15)

Control Tower to pilot:  "Climb like your life depended on it ... because it does."

-oOo-

Friday, 25 October 2013

1103. What we mean is what we don't say... (105)

We sayOh no, I never take sugar - and actually I don't eat salt either.  One has to be so careful with fats and carbs too... I like to look after my body.  Of course I do smoke, and I keep trying to cut down, but hey I can't fight on all fronts...

We mean:  Forget the negative, concentrate on the positive, admire my fabulous body and be impressed, be very impressed.

What is says about us:  Salt, sugar, fats, carbs, they destroy your body if you don't control them.   With smoking - well I look good don't I?  I don't have to worry about it for now.

-oOo-

Thursday, 24 October 2013

1102. Cheese Logic

Daughter (40): Yes I’d like some, but how long will the Parmesan last?

Mother (63)reply of the universal mother: Quite a while, or until it gets eaten...

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

Wednesday, 23 October 2013

1101. Grumpy Old Quotes (34)

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

Woody Allen

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Monday, 21 October 2013

1099. Grumpy Old Quotes (33)

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six more.

Walter Matthau

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Sunday, 20 October 2013

1098. Travel Stories (2)

American family sitting in Rome eating a traditional meal al fresco in a shady piazza. 

Husband to his wife:  "I can't wait to get back to Florida and have a real pizza."

-oOo-

Saturday, 19 October 2013

1097. Kulula Airlines (34)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights. Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system. The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine…"


-oOo-

Friday, 18 October 2013

1096. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (120)

I know a lad from Swansea who was a foreman and always said "Don't let me down, boys".  He's now known as The Balloon

...And another who had a twitch in his shoulder, who's called The-Bowler-from-the-Gasworks-End.

Oddy from Barry.

-oOo-

Thursday, 17 October 2013

1095. More Air Traffic Control chatter (14)

Pilot, DC-10:  I can see the country club down below... looks like a lot of air traffic controllers out there!

Control Tower:  Yes sir, there is, and they're all caddying for DC-10 drivers like you...

-oOo-

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

1093. What we mean is what we don't say... (104)

We saySorry to bother you... could I just ask....I wonder if you can help me?

We mean:  If I'm ultra polite to you you might feel sorry for me and be prompted to give me the answers I need.

What is says about us:  Listen, we're British, we're known for our politeness, OK?  If it makes us feel better we'll thank you seventeen times during a transaction, apologise to you when YOU tread on our feet, etc

-oOo-

Monday, 14 October 2013

1092. Electricity is blissful...

Son (10): Ouch!!

Father: What’s the matter?

Son: I think that was ecstatic electricity.

Gustavo’s comment: Well, it was happy electricity...

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

Saturday, 12 October 2013

1090. Grumpy Old Quotes (32)

Brilliantly lit from stern to stern, she looked like a sagging birthday cake.

Walter Lord

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Friday, 11 October 2013

1089. Travel Stories (1)

Our Kiwi pilot from Wellington to Picton lived up to his national reputation of dry humour.  Our little plane was being buffeted by some turbulence and there was a knocking sound coming from one of the doors.  I told him about the noise and asked him if there was something wrong.

"Oh you can't usually fly this thing with one of the doors open", he said matter of factly.  "Try not to touch it and make sure your seatbelt is really tight."

Never did find out if he was joking.

-oOo-

Thursday, 10 October 2013

1088. Kulula Airlines (33)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights. Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system. The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."


-oOo-

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

1087. Overheard in elevator

City Gent (35, sharp suit):  Every horrible wife starts out as an adorable girlfriend.

City Lady (40ish, sharp suit):  That's your mistake.  Ours is that the disillusion sets in earlier, but we marry them anyway thinking we'll change them.

-oOo-

Tuesday, 8 October 2013

1086. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (119)

My grandfather drove a horse and cart and sold parafin oil, so he was known as Morgan-the-OilMy maternal grandmother had a friend that was always called Mrs-Thomas-The-Milliner.   Guess what she made?

Thelma Morgan, Lara, Victoria, Australia

-oOo-

Monday, 7 October 2013

1085. More Air Traffic Control Chatter (13)

Pilot N923:  Approach, how far from the airport are we in minutes?

Control Tower:  N923, the faster you go, the quicker you'll get here.

-oOo-

Thursday, 3 October 2013

1084. Overheard on the bus, in London

Overheard on a bus in Lewisham.

An elderly lady is talking to an elderly gentleman acquaintance, whom she has met by chance.  They are discussing the cheap Christmas decorations she has just bought:

"And see, you get three for 99p and my grand-daughter has a little Christmas tree in her bedroom and so I got her three packets with different designs.  Because at 99p that works out at about 33p each, which is a bargain, isn't it?  So I got her three of those and then  I went to the pet shop and bought a frozen rat for my snake.  Oh, I've had him about fifteen years.  I didn't know snakes could live that long!  He's only about six feet long; I share him with my downstairs neighbour after he escaped and she found him in her washing machine."


http://overheardlondon.livejournal.com

-oOo-

Monday, 30 September 2013

1082. To choke or not to choke...

Recommendation: Unless you need to incorporate cellulose fibre into your diet on medical advice, it’s better to remove the paper cases from cupcakes before eating them.

Gustavo’s comment: As usual, I didn’t follow my own recommendation.

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

Friday, 27 September 2013

1079. Grumpy Old Quotes (31)

If I had been around when Rubens was painting, I would have been revered as a fabulous model.  Kate Moss?  Well, she would have been the paintbrush.

Dawn French
(Comedienne of generous proportions)

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.



Thursday, 26 September 2013

1078. Of girls and grills

Overheard at the hospital.  A secretary and a nurse are talking about how little sleep they get.

Jen, Medical Secretary (48, divorced):  .... I listen to the farming news on the radio every morning, I get up really early.  My eldest Lisa, she's 19 and studying nursing at North Hospital, you see.  I have to get up early to give her a lift to work every day.

Nurse (45):  But aren't you on a bus route to North Hospital?  Can't she take the bus?

Jen:  Well, yes, but she's used to me giving her a lift - and she does come home on the bus... She wants a meal when she gets home, she's tired...   Mind you I put in a full day too, I get tired as well.  Anyway, Lisa doesn't know how to cook...

Nurse:  Have you tried teaching her?

Jen:  Oh yes, but it goes in one ear and out the other!  She can make snacks for herself, mind.  Then by the time I've washed up the dinner things and put some washloads on, it's past bedtime and I'm knackered...    (Her mobile rings).  Excuse me a sec.

.... Hello?  Oh hi Leese, alright?  Where are you? ....... You're making toast. ....... The grill?  What's wrong with the grill?  It was working fine this morning.............. (silence while Lisa talks)....   well of course it won't toast both sides, you got to turn it over..... OK, see you later.  (Rings off) .  She's got the day off today.  Honestly, what is she like....

(Picks up the file she came to get and disappears, with the nurse still looking at her speechlessly).

-oOo-

Wednesday, 25 September 2013

1077. Kulula Airlines (32)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights. Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system. The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."



-oOo-

Tuesday, 24 September 2013

Monday, 23 September 2013

1075. Has this happened to you?

(Not my own story, but worth telling, I think...)

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel, I found with increasing desperation that I couldn't find my keys.  They weren't in my pockets, nor had I left them in the meeting room.

And then I realised I must have left them in the car.  Worried, I headed for the parking lot at the double.  My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the ignition (my theory is that the ignition is the best place not to lose them; his theory is that it's the best way to get the car stolen.  Well anyway.)

When I reached the car park I came to the terrifying conclusion that he was right (this time) - the parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police.  I gave them my location and confessed that I had left my keys in the car and that it had been stolen.  They took down my details and about the tracker device on the car.

Then came the worst bit, and I must admit I hesitated for a while, pacing up and down and wondering how to tell my husband.  Eventually I rang him - "Darling" I said in my best panicky voice (I always call him 'darling' when an apology will inevitably follow) - "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen..."

Silence, except for bleeps and voices in the background.

"Darling?  I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have...."

"What ARE you talking about?"  he barked,  "I dropped you off this morning in your car while mine is being serviced, remember?"

My turn to be silent, digesting this information and the waste of guilt it represented.

"Well," I said with all the bravado I could muster.  "Come and get me then..."

"Oh I will", he retorted "just as soon as I can convince this copper that I didn't steal your car."

-oOo-

Saturday, 21 September 2013

1073. Overheard on the London underground/tube/subway (6)

After a five minute wait for doors to shut on tube, driver makes an announcement:

"For those of you who have just joined us, we've been slightly held up by a passenger emergency alarm being activated in one of the rear carriages, as one passenger was unfortunately taken ill.  Just so you know, she has now been thrown out and thoroughly beaten up for making you all wait here unnecessarily.  For consideration to others therefore, if anyone else feels like passing out, could you please try and hold on until we get to Stratford.  Thanks."

Overheard by Rob, waiting at Canada Water, Jubilee Line, just after midnight.

-oOo-

Friday, 20 September 2013

1072. Getting busy with the fizzy...

Recommendation: If your wife tells you five or six thousand times ‘don’t put fizzy drinks in the baby’s sippy cup with the straw’, follow her advice because otherwise when you snap the lid closed the drink inevitably gushes out of the straw like a fountain and goes on, and on, and on...


Gustavo’s comment: As usual, I didn’t follow my own recommendation.

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

Thursday, 19 September 2013

1071. Overheard at the hospital

Hospital postmen as they trundle down the main corridor with their mail trolleys:

Postman 1:  That Charley, he's a right peril, doesn't know what he's doin'...

Postman 2:  Why sat den?

Postman 1:  You know Trym Ward, upstairs?  They've been getting shitloads of post from all over the place, couldn't understand it.  They had to investigate, and found it was good ole' Charley.

Postman 2:  Was he delivering all his post to one place so's he didn't have to bother with the rest?

Postman 1:  Nope.  He was reading on the envelopes that they were addressed to "Southmead Hospital, Westbury-on-Trym, Bristol" so he reckons what they meant was Trym Ward...  Poor sods got the post for the whole hospital for a couple of days....

Postman 2:  That Charley, he's a card, inn' 'e?

-oOo-

Tuesday, 17 September 2013

1069. Grumpy Old Quotes (30)

My memory is going.  I brush my teeth, and then 10 minutes later I go back and have to feel the toothbrush.  Is it wet?  Did I just brush them?

Terry Gillam

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Sunday, 15 September 2013

1067. Kulula Airlines (31)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights. Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system. The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."


-oOo-

Saturday, 14 September 2013

1066. Welsh idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (117)

My cousin from Morganstown is named David David, and was known as Dai Squared.

Bob David, Pembroke

-oOo-

Wednesday, 11 September 2013

1063. Overheard on the London Underground/Tube (5)

Announcement over the PA system:

'We are now travelling through Baker Street.  As you can see, Baker Street is closed.  It would have been nice if they had actually told me so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that.'

-oOo-

Tuesday, 10 September 2013

1062. What we mean is what we don't say...(103)

What we say"We must be environmentally conscious, be 'green', tread lightly..."

What we don't say:  As long as it doesn't inconvenience me too much or impinge on my quality of life.

What we mean:  If I want to travel by plane on my six holidays a year it's none of your business.

-oOo-

Sunday, 8 September 2013

1061. Cuttings from British Newspapers (6)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden.  He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - 

"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler' "

Bournemouth Evening Echo


-oOo-

Friday, 6 September 2013

1059. Grumpy Old Quotes (29)

You know you're over the hill when the only whistles you get are from the tea kettle.

Anon

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Thursday, 5 September 2013

1058. A bigger playground

Chav dials on his mobile.
Chav (28):  I called you yesterday and you cut me off........so see how I’m cutting you off now. (Hangs up)
Mobile:  ring ring ring
Chav:  Hi.......... ah so you think I’m an asshole for cutting you off? – OK, I’ll save you the trouble of having to talk to an asshole.  (Hangs up).
Gustavo’s comment:  Grown up, aren't we?
-oOo-
(With thanks to Gustavo.  This was loosely translated from Gustavo's eavesdropping blog Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana)

Wednesday, 4 September 2013

1057. Kulula Airlines (30)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights. Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system. The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
.
Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"




-oOo-

Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Monday, 2 September 2013

1055. Remotely speaking

Recommendation:  You can try checking whether it's got batteries, you can try pressing the buttons more firmly, or stand up on tip toe and stretch out your arm as far as it will go so as to be that bit closer, but you'll never manage to switch on the air-conditioning using the television's remote control.

(Obviously I didn't follow my own advice)

Loosely translated from one of the posts on Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

Saturday, 31 August 2013

1053. Overheard on the London Underground (4)

'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together.  All together now:  "Ten green bottles hanging on the wall..." '

-oOo-

Friday, 30 August 2013

1052. What we mean is what we don't say... (102)

What we say:  "I'll see you".

What we don't say:  Maybe.

What we mean:  I'm not sure I'll want to see you, or when, but saying that puts off the decision.

-oOo-

Thursday, 29 August 2013

1051. Cuttings from British newspapers (5)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed.  The latter replied that he was sorry but he didn't have a gauge.  However, if it was any help the wind has just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

-oOo-

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

1083. Overheard on the London underground/tube/subway (7)

Ladies and gentlemen, the beeping noise means 'the doors are closing, do not get on'.  It does NOT mean 'try to force your way onto the train and get your rucksack stuck'.  Please remember this in future.  Thank you."

Victoria Line tube driver, Victoria Station, about 10 a.m.


-oOo-

1049. Grumpy Old Quotes (28)

If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.

Erma Bombeck. 
-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Monday, 26 August 2013

1048. Christmas spirit

Skinny bloke (22):  Wot you doin’ for Christmas den?
Skinnier bloke (20):   Nothin’ cause we’re Jewish, see
Skinny bloke:  So wossat gotta do with it?
Skinnier bloke:  Cos’ we don’t believe in Jesus.
Skinny bloke:  Wossat gotta do with it? In my house they’re all atheists, and we celebrate Santa Clause, not Jesus.
Gustavo’s comment:  There’s always a reason for raising a glass... 
-oOo-
(With thanks to Gustavo.  This was loosely translated from Gustavo's eavesdropping blog Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana)

Sunday, 25 August 2013

1047. Kulula Airlines (29)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights. Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system. The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."


-oOo-

Saturday, 24 August 2013

1046. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (115)

I worked with a man at the Celynen North pit who was called Dai One-Eater because he only had one tooth.

Norman Williams, Abercarn

-oOo-

Friday, 23 August 2013

1045. At the traffic lights, Buenos Aires

Earnest lady, 49: See, first and foremost I’m honest with myself, then with others – and what I have to tell you is not to offend you because it’s true, and there’s no point in your taking offence, and anyway if I don’t tell you I’m offending myself

Gustavo's Comment:  What a pain – the lights changed and I had no excuse to continue my ear-wigging. She was a bit round-the-houses though, wasn’t she?

Loosely translated from a post on Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-