915. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (19)

Whose brain will be donated to science and rejected?

-oOo-

914. Memorable Signs (40)

-oOo-

913. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (12)

"No one told us there would be fish in the sea.  The children were startled."

-oOo-

912. What we mean is what we don't say... (92)

We say:  I don't suffer fools gladly.

We mean:  I like to express myself in this rather grand way to impress people.  It also tells them I'm terribly wise.

What is says about us:  I'm an intolerant pain in the ass.

-oOo-

911. Celebrity Quotes (29)

That's just the tip of the ice cube.

- Neil Hamilton, BBC2

-oOo-

910. Grumpy Old Quotes (16)

Early to rise and early to bed.  Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

James Thurber

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

909. Answers to Hecklers (17)

Brendan Dodds:  "You're the kind of girl who thinks 'friends with benefits' means seeing someone who's claiming Jobseeker's Allowance."

-oOo-

908. Suburban story

Thursday morning, pouring with rain.  Doorbell rings. Ann, having just finished breakfast, opens the door.  Before her is her next door neighbour, Linda, looking flushed and upset.

Linda:  Sorry to bother you Ann, but my car’s been stolen from the front of the house and I don’t know what to do... (bursts into tears)

Ann:  Oh you poor thing, come in out of the rain, and have a cup of tea, we’ll figure something out.

Amid hiccups and steaming cups –

Ann:  Let’s think back to see when it was stolen.  Last night we went out at 8 and I noticed your car wasn’t there and remarked to my husband that it was unusual that you were out at that time on a weekday.  It must have already gone.  When did you last use it?  To take the kids to school this morning?

Linda: (sniffling) No, it was a nice day and we decided to walk...I don’t know how I didn’t notice it wasn’t there...

Ann:  What about this afternoon, did you collect them in the car?

Linda: No, we walked...

Ann:  Try and remember when you last used the car.

Linda:  (muttering to herself) Wednesday we walked, Tuesday Mum collected them, Tuesday morning Gary took them in, Monday...yes...Monday!  That’s when I last drove it... no wait a minute we walked home because ...oh my God... (claps her hand in front of her mouth)

Ann:  What’s the matter?

Linda doesn’t respond, but leaps to her feet and with an apology and “I’ll get back to you”, makes for the front door and disappears.  An hour later the doorbell rings.

Linda:  I found it!  I had left it parked at the school on Monday and they were about to have it towed away.  Gary will be furious...

Ann:  No he won’t – you found it and it hadn’t been towed away!

Linda:  I know, but I’d left the sunroof open...

-oOo-

907. Kulula Airlines (15)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
.

-oOo-

906. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (101)

When we lived in Abercan, my husband worked for the Forestry Commission and we lived in Commission houses.  He was known as Terry Trees and his boss, who lived nearby, was Roberts-the-Wood.

Janis Pembridge from Spain

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

905. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (18)

He'll be doing joined-up writing next.

-oOo-

904. Memorable Signs (39)

-oOo-

903. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (11)

"We bought Ray-Ban sunglasses for five Euros - £3.50/US$6 - from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

-oOo-

902. What we mean is what we don't say... (91)

We say:  She's FAT.

We mean:  Thank God I'm not as fat as she is.  Looking at her makes me feel better about myself.

What is says about us:  I'm terrified of being fat.

-oOo-

901. Celebrity Quotes (28)

My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm gong to be an uncle or an aunt.

- Chuck Nevitt, NC State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice.

-oOo-

900. Grumpy Old Quotes (15)

Getting older is all about high blood pressure, high cholesterol, high anxiety and low sex drive.  At my age, 'safe sex' is not falling out of bed.

Anon

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

899. Answers to Hecklers (16)

(Or from them, in this case...)

Jim Tavare:  "Good evening, I'm a schizophrenic."

Heckler:  "Why don't you both get lost?"

-oOo-

898. Comebacks (20)

You:  I reckon you'd make a great exchange student.

Friend: Wow, you really think so?

You: Yes, we might be able to exchange you for someone nice.

-oOo-

897. Kulula Airlines (14)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
.

-oOo-

896. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (100)

There used to be two Joneses who were managers of a chemist shop - one was known as Jones-Chemist and the other Jones-Boots because he managed Boots The Chemist.

BT, Ebbw Vale

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

895. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (17)

She's one tit short of an udder.

-oOo-

894. Memorable Signs (38)

-oOo-

893. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (10)

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned.  The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

-oOo-

892. What we mean is what we don't say... (90)

We say:  I don't know much about wine, but I know what I like.

We mean:  What is there to know?  Meh... it's red, it's white.  Stuck-up people will tell you it tastes of raspberries or almonds - they're just showing off, it all tastes the same.

What is says about us:  I know nothing AT ALL about wine, but no one is going to make me feel thick. 

-oOo-

891. Celebrity Quotes (27)

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

- Rod Stewart

-oOo-

890. Grumpy Old Quotes (14)

In my next life I'm going to come back as a former good-looking, now quite fat and plain 50-year-old man, who's just been sadly widowed or divorced, and I would go to the country and I would clean up.  I would get a bonk every night of the week.

Jilly Cooper, Grumpy Old Women

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

889. Answers to Hecklers (15)

Arthur Smith:  "Sorry, I can't understand what you're saying...I'm wearing a moron filter."

-oOo-

888. Comebacks (19)

Man 1:  How many people work in your office?

Man 2:  About half of them.

-oOo-

887. Kulula Airlines (13)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

-oOo-

886. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (99)

When I attended training college in Swansea during 1969-1971, there was a student who earned the nickname John-Williams-Undecided.  When asked which course he was opting for ... well you don't need me to tell you what his reply was, do you?  The name stuck throughout college.

In the village I grew up in, Gowerton, we had a number Joneses, Jones-Ty-Rhos and Jones-Ty-Rhiw (neighbouring cottages); Ken-Jones-the-Milk (milkman); Mrs-Jones-Gas and Mrs-Jones-Waterman (named for their husband's trades).  Fond memories.

Angela Coles, Wrexham

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

885. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (16)

He's so dense, light bends around him.

-oOo-

884. Memorable Signs (37)

-oOo-

883. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (9)

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong.  He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

-oOo-

882. What we mean is what we don't say... (89)

We say:  So sorry to hear you've got cancer... a lot of people seem to have it these days... I've got an uncle who has it, in the colon, and a friend, she's got breast cancer, and...

We mean:  Well of course I'm sympathetic - what made you think I wasn't?  But one doesn't want to dwell on bad news, does one?

What is says about us:  My conversation is triggered by key words.  If you'd been burgled, for example, I would have told you about the time I was burgled, and when it happened to my Mum, and...

-oOo-

881. Celebrity Quotes (26)

My mother never saw the irony in callng me a son-of-a-bitch.

- Jack Nicholson

-oOo-

880. Grumpy Old Quotes (13)

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.

Anon

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

879. Answers to Hecklers (14)

Nigel Planer (As Neil from The Young ones, in a live show):  "In ten years' time, right? they're going to have, like, educationally streamed supermarkets, OK? ... And you'll need, like, at least three GCSEs to buy a pound of sausages, yeah?  .... And you're going to STARVE."

-oOo-

878. Comebacks (18)

She:  You know, I've been asked to get married over a hundred times.

He:  Yeah, but your parents don't count...

-oOo-

877. Kulula Airlines (12)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

-oOo-

876. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (98)

My grampy was known as Ivor-the-Driver as he worked in the transport yard on Culverhouse Cross.

Emma Davies, Caerau, Cardiff

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

875. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (15)

He's several sausages short of a barbecue.  If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

-oOo-

874. Memorable Signs (36)

-oOo-

873. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (8)

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure.  Your brochure shows the sand as yellow, but it was white."

-oOo-

872. What we mean is what we don't say... (88)

What we say:  It's not me you've let down.  You've let yourself down.

What we mean:  My father used to say this to me, and his father used to say it to him.  Goodness knows what it means.

What it says about us:  I do like sounding like a wise parent.

-oOo-

871. Celebrity Quotes (25)

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.

- Sharon Stone

-oOo-

870. Grumpy Old Quotes (12)

General Sir Jeremy MacKenzie, referring to a Chelsea pensioner -

When they were asked what they thought of a phone mast being erected on the adjacent military museum, one 97-year-old raised his hand to ask, "Will it make us sterile?'

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

869. Answers to Hecklers (13)

Heckler:  "Tell us a joke".

Dan Antopolski:  "Your mum fell into some cheese sandwiches, and she got covered in cheese.  Absolutely covered in it.  She stank of cheese.  And hundreds of mice came from miles around, drawn to her by the smell of cheese.  She was covered in mice.  Overcome by them.  But she was glad of the company, because YOU NEVER CALL."

-oOo-

868. Comebacks (17)

Old Wife:  Shall I put the TV on?

Old Man:  Well it would certainly improve the view.

-oOo-

867. Kulula Airlines (11)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

-oOo-

866. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (97)

The local rag-and-bone man was known as Tommy Tanner because that's what he gave you for your junk.

Vincent Neale, New Tredegar

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm