Work Colleague 2 (50): (flustered) I strongly resemble that remark, I really do.
-oOo-
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
332. Overheard at work
Work Colleague 1 (40): Thing is, I'm not sure you can do the job..
Work Colleague 2 (50): (flustered) I strongly resemble that remark, I really do.
Work Colleague 2 (50): (flustered) I strongly resemble that remark, I really do.
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
331. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (23)
I vividly remember two teachers from Aberdare Boys Grammar School in the 70's, both of whom taught myself and my Dad (my Dad in the 30's, by the way). His name was David Daniel Davies and was known as Dai Cubed, and the famous Tom Evans known as Long Tom - he seemed to me to be 6'16" when I was in form 1. Fabulous guys, proper teachers.
from Rob Davies, Merthyr (Aberdare Snake originally)
-oOo-
Monday, 8 August 2011
Sunday, 7 August 2011
329. What we mean is what we don't say... (1)
We say: I think you ought to know...
We mean: I'm dying to tell you...
We mean: I'm dying to tell you...
What it says about us: I'm a busybody who loves giving bad news, and the look of shock on your face makes it all worth while...
-oOo-
Saturday, 6 August 2011
328. Concrete doesn't need watering...
Where: Overheard, walking down the hospital main corridor.
Who: Two men from the Estates Department
Estate man 1 (50’s): My jasmine is coming up lovely, gorgeous. It’s this high and this wide, and the perfume! Superb. Last year no flowers at all, this year it’s bursting out all over. Lovely.
Estate man 2 (40’s): Mmm. I thought you were saying the other week that you’re taking up the lawn??
Estate man 1: Oh yeah I’m taking it up in the autumn, don’t want lawn.
Estate man 2: So your jasmine will have gravel around it then?
Estate man 1: Oh no, that’ll go as well. I prefer concrete really.
Estate man 2: Ooh ah, I’m with you.
???
???
-oOo-
Friday, 5 August 2011
327. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (22)
There was a man in Govilon who was called Tom the Lion who would get drunk and fight anything including the lamp post at the bottom of Blaenafon Road. When he shouted his battle cry "when the lion roars Gilwern trembles" everyone including the police disappeared.
from Peter Stockham
-oOo-
Thursday, 4 August 2011
Wednesday, 3 August 2011
Tuesday, 2 August 2011
324. Bobby the Budgie
Marie has called in the security company to service her house's alarm, and a very nervous young character arrives on her doorstep one morning who seems to jump at the sight of his own shadow. Marie is distracted this particular morning, because her beloved budgie Bobby is out of sorts and she needs to discover whether he is showing any signs of sickness.
The alarm engineer sets to work in the room next to the kitchen, while Marie puts the kettle on to offer him a cuppa. She chats in friendly fashion to the man, who stutters in reply, clearly preferring his own company. He's relieved when the noise of the kettle drowns out conversation and he withdraws further into the little room with the alarm and starts to dismantle it.
He hears the sound of the boiling water reachind a crescendo and then dying away, and the clattering of cups. Then he hears Marie's coaxing voice -
"Are you going to be a good boy and have a drink? We don't want you to get dehydrated, do we? You're SUCH a HANDSOME boy, we don't want anything happening to you, do we? Come here, let me give you a little tickle..."
Marie hears the back door slam and then the sound of the engineer's van door slamming and the engine being started, and wonders what's going on. He returns some time later, telling her he had to go back to the workshop to get a part. He's changed his mind he says, he'll skip the tea.
(With thanks to Marie)
-oOo-
Monday, 1 August 2011
323. Welsh Idiosyncrasies – Nickname Series (21)
My father was Gwyn Trott born in Resolven. He had a friend Thomas Thomas nicknamed Tommy Twice. Also at one stage apparently there were so many Trotts working in the mine at Resolven that the level was nicknamed the Trott level.
Peter Trott, London
-oOo-
Saturday, 30 July 2011
Friday, 29 July 2011
321. The Vessel with the Pestle?
Teenage Enid rings the doorbell at the house where her friend Alice Muster lives to see if she can come to the cinema with her. Her friend’s father opens the door and tells her Alice has gone to the shops less than five minutes ago – didn’t she see her?
Enid: (blurting out) Oh No! I musta missed her Mr Muster!
(With thanks to Eric)
(With thanks to Eric)
-oOo-
Thursday, 28 July 2011
320. Trying out the new hip after the op
Granny (81): Give me one of those biscuits, I’m hungry
Gustavo (38): Hang on a minute, the nurse said something about asking them if you can eat solids.
Granny: But they’ve got no salt in them.
Gustavo’s Comments:
(You mean as you have high blood pressure you should be on a liquid only diet??)
(If you’re reading this, well you were right anyway, it was your hip they operated on, not your stomach…)
Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.
-oOo-
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
319. The bottom of the bowl
Scene: Old Peoples' Home
Supervisor: Sid, why aren't you eating your pudding, don't you like it?
Sid (80): I'm not having that muck.
Supervisor: Why, what's wrong with it?
Sid: Oh it's not the pudding. I can't eat stuff when there's a pattern at the bottom of the bowl. Don't care about the colour, doesn't have to be white, but I can't stand a pattern. Won't eat out of it. You can take it away.
(Sound of Supervisor tearing out what's left of her hair from last time...)
Supervisor: Sid, why aren't you eating your pudding, don't you like it?
Sid (80): I'm not having that muck.
Supervisor: Why, what's wrong with it?
Sid: Oh it's not the pudding. I can't eat stuff when there's a pattern at the bottom of the bowl. Don't care about the colour, doesn't have to be white, but I can't stand a pattern. Won't eat out of it. You can take it away.
(Sound of Supervisor tearing out what's left of her hair from last time...)
-oOo-
Tuesday, 26 July 2011
Monday, 25 July 2011
317. I'll have gravy, but I'm not having sauce
Scene: Old Peoples Home
Supervisor: What now Sid - aren't you having your roast beef? It's our special on a Sunday...
Sid (80): They said this is sauce, and that it's got wine in it. They've ruined it.
Supervisor: It sounds delicious. What's wrong with that?
Sid: It ain't gravy, I'm not eating no foreign muck
(Sound of Supervisor tearing her hair out)
-oOo-
Sunday, 24 July 2011
316. Fire Training (5)
Background
Mandatory Fire Training at the hospital. Packed lecture theatre, darkened room, Trainer silhouetted against his PowerPoint presentation, seriously emphasising point by point. After all, the lives of patients as well as our own could depend on getting it right...
Trainer: So how did the fire spread? It would depend on the causation of the fire.... And if there's a gas cannister nearby then the causation is less important and you'll get an intensification of in the rate of burning situation...
(eh?)
.... in other words an explosion.
(ah!)
-oOo-
Saturday, 23 July 2011
315. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Welsh Nickname Series (20)
From my childhood in Abertridwr I remember Dill the Death (the local undertaker) and an elderly gentleman slow on his pins known as Dai Full-Pelt.
-oOo-
Friday, 22 July 2011
Thursday, 21 July 2011
Wednesday, 20 July 2011
312. Pussywood Studios - Closed Set (X-rated)
Banjo to Director: You want us to do WHAT???????????
-oOo-
Tuesday, 19 July 2011
311. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (19)
On a recent trip back to Kidwelly, I was talking about building repairs to a neighbour who made a reference to asking Dai Disaster. I think I'll look in the Yellow Pages.
Michael Prynn, Birmingham
-oOo-
Monday, 18 July 2011
Sunday, 17 July 2011
309. Underground station, Buenos Aires
At the foot of a flight of stairs, talking on her mobile phone.
Young lady (23): Sorry, I'm about to climb the stairs, and I can't handle talking and going up the stairs at the same time. I'll call you back in five minutes.
(Gustavo's comment: So chewing gum as well would be out of the question?)
-oOo-
Saturday, 16 July 2011
Friday, 15 July 2011
307. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (18)
We've got John the Box, the undertaker, and Dean Death his assistant...
CB, Trelewis
-oOo-
Thursday, 14 July 2011
Wednesday, 13 July 2011
305. Mollie, in Patagonia
They told me I'd have a cabin with a view,
but this porthole's rubbish...
-oOo-
Tuesday, 12 July 2011
304. Fire Training (4)
Background
Mandatory Fire Training at the hospital. Packed lecture theatre, darkened room, Trainer silhouetted against his PowerPoint presentation, seriously emphasising point by point. After all, the lives of patients as well as our own could depend on getting it right...
Trainer: There were several fire incidences, and even if mattresses are coated in fire retardant material they'll burn eventually, make no bones about it...
-oOo-
Monday, 11 July 2011
303. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (17)
There was a miner in the village called Dai Sick Note, because apparently he was always on the sick.
Claire Lewis, Penrhiwceiber
-oOo-
Sunday, 10 July 2011
Saturday, 9 July 2011
301. On a busy street corner, Buenos Aires
Lady (66): How odd to see an attic here - normally they don't let attics in the downtown area.
Man (72): What you mean they don't let attics in?
Woman: Artics* not attics. You heard. Why do you correct me?
Man: If I'd understood you I wouldn't have asked.
Woman: Yes, right. You always do this to me.....
*Artic: Articulated lorry
(Gustavo's comment: How lovely to reach that age and be able to .... er, well, how lovely to reach that age.)
Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.
-oOo-
Friday, 8 July 2011
300. Call Centre (last)
There's always one. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!'
-oOo-
Thursday, 7 July 2011
299. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (16)
David Jones worked in Mountain Ash Motors as a mechanic and used to buy old part exchanges, do them up and sell them. Unknown in village as David Jones, well known as Dai Banger.
Russell Lewis, Penrhiwceiber
-oOo-
Wednesday, 6 July 2011
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
297. Us musicians gotta stick together
Pupil (boy, 12) to piano teacher: See, I like to finish the exercise with an archipelago, like this.................
-oOo-
Monday, 4 July 2011
296. Fire Training (3)
Background
Mandatory Fire Training at the hospital. Packed lecture theatre, darkened room, Trainer silhouetted against his PowerPoint presentation, seriously emphasising point by point. After all, the lives of patients as well as our own could depend on getting it right...
Trainer: ...Heat and oxygen can generate flame, and vicky verky.
-oOo-
Sunday, 3 July 2011
295. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (15)
My great grandmother's second husband's name was Richard Edwards and he worked as a sinker in the colliery so he was known as Dick the Sinker. My husband's name is Tom Williams (Little Tom) whose father is Tom Williams and he worked in Oakdale colliery and his nickname was Tom Tinker.
Nichola Whitney-Williams, Abergavenny
-oOo-
Saturday, 2 July 2011
Friday, 1 July 2011
293. How the world was created...in Buenos Aires
Daughter (10): No Dad, the fact that I don't believe in Genesis doesn't mean that I don't believe in the Big Mac Theory either.
(Gustavo's comment: OK, so Ronald McDonald isn't a god then)
Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana with thanks to Gustavo.
-oOo-
Thursday, 30 June 2011
292. Fire Training (2)
Background
Mandatory Fire Training at the hospital. Packed lecture theatre, darkened room, Trainer silhouetted against his PowerPoint presentation, seriously emphasising point by point. After all, the lives of patients as well as our own could depend on getting it right...
Trainer: ...A lot has been said on the subject. Many fire prevention officers have expunged on fire safety in the past and how you should actuate the alarms...
-oOo-
Wednesday, 29 June 2011
291. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (14)
A fitter at Merton Containers who also played rugby for Abercarn was known for patching up jobs with brown tape, so they called him Derek-do-for-now.
Ian Price, Abertillery
-oOo-
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
Monday, 27 June 2011
289. Fire Training (1)
Background
Mandatory Fire Training at the hospital. Packed lecture theatre, darkened room, Trainer silhouetted against his PowerPoint presentation, seriously emphasising point by point. After all, the lives of patients as well as our own could depend on our getting it right...
Trainer: ...As you know, this can be seen in the whole gambit of fire prevention...
-oOo-
Sunday, 26 June 2011
288. The Right Answer at the Right Time (5 of 5) (X-Rated!)
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsovever!"
A smartass at the back of the room raised his hand and asked "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsovever!"
A smartass at the back of the room raised his hand and asked "What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
.
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said -
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and sweetly said -
"Then I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand."
-oOo-
Saturday, 25 June 2011
287. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (13)
We had a guy at Lady Windsor called Em 18 months cos due to an accident he only had a ear and a half.
Gareth Roberts, Tonypandy
-oOo-
Friday, 24 June 2011
Thursday, 23 June 2011
285. On the mobile, Underground station, Buenos Aires
Lady (34):
Hi my love.
Yes, just getting off the train sweetheart.
What do you mean, what train? The usual one... the only one I ever take....WHY MUST YOU ALWAYS ASK ME THE SAME QUESTION, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT...
Hello? hello? hello?
(Gustavo's comment: if you don't want to be asked the same question, just as well they cut you off)
With thanks to Gustavo. Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana.
With thanks to Gustavo. Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana.
-oOo-
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
284. Hairdressers VIII - (X rated...)
Customer 1 (70) to Stylist: I do love your wavy hair, wish mine wasn't so straight...
Stylist: You should see it when it's wet, I look like a poodle.
Proprietor: ...and that's the polite version.
(laughter in the salon)
Stylist: Thanks a lot - are you saying it looks like pubic hair when it's wet?
Customer 2 (40): Except there's some pubic hair that's sort of straight, isn't there?
Customer 1: Oh surely, it couldn't possibly...it would hang down to your knees, wouldn't it?
-oOo-
Tuesday, 21 June 2011
283. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (12)
The head of the Chemistry Department at the University of Swansea in the 80s was a Doctor Wellington, known to many as Boots the Chemist.
Lloydy from Ponty
http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml
-oOo-
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