133. All-time Favourite Jokes Series – Transcription of Air Traffic Control Chatter (4 of 12)

Control tower:  (to a 747): "United 239 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

-oOo-

132. On a construction site, Buenos Aires, 2010

Comrade Construction Worker (24):  (wolf-whistling a student) Babe, with those tits you don’t need to study.

Studious Babe (17):   And with that face you won’t even make engineer.

Gustavo’s comment: Big tits and quick wit… that kid’s future is assured.

(Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.)

-oOo-

131. All-time Favourite Jokes Series – Transcription of Air Traffic Control Chatter (3 of 12)

Unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:   "I'm f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid…"

-oOo-

130. Memorial Plaque Series (15). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

129. Cat Dictionary Series (19)

Scene:  Banjo has scrambled up the mimosa tree, showing off to the couple below how panther-like he is, climbing ever higher.  Presently they prepare to go back indoors, and Banjo realises it’s a long way down to the ground.  The woman checks a short while later and notices Banjo still up there, looking mournful.  She coaxes him down, letting him grab her shoulder, his panic making him extend his claws and rake them down her back as he jumps to the floor.

Translation:  There was a birdie in the tree an' I was watchin' it for you, but you took too long an' I had to let it go...

-oOo-

128. On the bus, Buenos Aires, Argentina

Guy № 1 (25):  What?  All they gave you was a 500 peso credit limit? 

Guy № 2 (28):  Yeah…

Guy № 1:  That’s terrible.  I have a 5000 peso credit limit on my Mastercard, and ages ago when I got an American Express they gave me an 8000 peso credit limit, or thereabouts, and I can use it abroad – I can even use it in Uruguay…

Guy № 2:  Well (sigh) I don’t know – perhaps it’s because of my low wages.

Guy № 1: That can’t be right.  I earn 1700 pesos, and on my Mastercard I’m allowed to spend up to three times my salary, with no fee and no interest.

Guy № 2:  I don’t know… perhaps it’s because I defaulted on a debt 10 years ago…

Guy № 1:  No, that’s not right, in my opinion they should be giving you the same credit limit as everybody else.

(Gustavo’s comment:  No kid, that’s why you don’t work in credit risk assessment…)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

127. All-time Favourite Jokes Series – Transcription of Air Traffic Control Chatter (2 of 12)

Control Tower:  "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341:  “This is TWA2341.  Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower:  “TWA2341, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

-oOo-

126. Memorial Plaque Series (14). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

Top plaque:

John Charles Bircham

  "When the earth claims your limbs then shall you truly dance".

Bottom plaque:

In memory of

Rosa May Lang (nee Drew)

"Que Sera"

-oOo-

125. Cat Dictionary Series (18)

Scene:  Rusty has somehow found his way onto the mantelpiece, and having picked his way indelicately over the valuable and vulnerable china ornaments, is rocking his body back and forth as he prepares for the impossible jump sideways and up two feet onto a shelf in the alcove which is also full of much loved knick-knacks.  With visible effort, the woman swallows a hysterical shriek just in case it rattles him and he sends everything to the floor.  The man enters the lounge and she says “Look at him!  I can’t believe how he got up there…”

Translation:  I'll be fine just as long as I can push all this rubbish out of the way...

-oOo-

124. At a party in Carlisle during the 50's

Woman at party (early 30ish):  Have you heard?  Amy Davies got married

Man at party (late 30ish):  Oh?  Who to?

Woman:  You'll love it - his name is Bob Pygge

Man:  ...Wow, I bet he got teased at school a lot.

Woman:  Probably, but there's worse times ahead for Amy...

Man:  Amy Pygge... mmm...she'll have to get used to it I expect.

Woman:  You've obviously forgotten - her middle name is Rhoda.

Man:  Aaaah - gotcha...

-oOo-

123. All-time Favourite Jokes Series – Transcription of Air Traffic Control Chatter (1 of 12)

(With apologies when they’re not always politically correct…)

Control Tower:   "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles"

Delta 351: "This is Delta 351.  Give us another hint, please.  We have digital watches".

-oOo-

122. Memorial Plaque Series (13) Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

121. Cat Dictionary Series (17)

Scene:  Banjo wakes couple up at 05:30, wanting to be let out.  Man staggers out of his warm bed, padding barefoot across the freezing stone floor of the conservatory, where he opens the cat flap.  However Banjo is used to a more personal service:  he likes his first venture into the icy morning world to be through the door.    He waits as it is unlocked for him, and as the cold blast of sub-zero air rushes in, Banjo hesitates, undecided on whether it might be worth waiting till the day has warmed up a little before venturing out.  Or maybe some biscuits first...  The doorman waits patiently while he makes up his mind, and a couple of minutes tick by.  Eventually His Nibs saunters out, and doorman hastens shivering back to his warm bed, waking his partner to tell her all about it.  She grumpily tells him off for being over-indulgent.

Translation:  They’re shocking those two the way they lie in every morning.  It’s taken me ages to train him to do things properly.  And don't get me started on her lazy habits...

-oOo-

120. Playing Truth or Consequence… a true story

Whom:  Shy, spotty, hormonal schoolboy (16) meets shy girl (19) with long hair.

When & Where:  In the 1970s, on a bus in Buenos Aires, as they both prepare to descend the steps to get off at the bus stop, the girl first, a step below him.

What were they were wearing:  He is in school uniform, she is in private clothes – a skirt and a revealing crocheted top.

He said to her:  (Horribly embarrassed) Er, oh dear, excuse me, it looks as though my flies are caught up in your top…

She said to him:  You horrible pervert, what are you talking about?  Let go, I want to get off the bus!   (Sound of sniggering from people queuing behind them)

The consequence was:  They were stuck fast, and there was no time to untangle.  They had to get off the bus with her pulling away and he pushing out his hips to try and ensure that he didn’t pull her top right off her.  It took some 10 minutes, because in the process her long hair became entangled in his zipper as well. 

What the world said:  Spectators on the bus were amused, bystanders at the bus stop were bemused and the young protagonists were acutely embarrassed.  He has not forgotten it to this day.

-oOo-

119. All-time Favourite Jokes Series - Canadian & US Navy radio exchange

(You have almost certainly seen this one before, but it's in my top three - I couldn't possibly leave it out!).

-oOo-

This is based on an actual radio conversation between a US Navy aircraft carrier (the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln) and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.  (The radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10/10/95 authorized by the Freedom of Information Act.)

Canadians:  Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans:  Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians:  Negative.  You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans:  This is the Captain of a US Navy ship.  I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians:  No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans:  THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.  WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.  I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH - I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH - OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:  This is a lighthouse.  Your call.

-oOo-

118. Memorial Plaque Series (12). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

117. Cat Dictionary Series (16)

Scene:  Cat is in litter tray, located in conservatory.  Sounds of much scratching and shovelling.  Grit starts to fly out onto the floor of the conservatory, to the couple’s alarm.  Her: “Look at the mess he’s making, for goodness sake.”  Him:  “The litter needs changing doesn’t it?  When did we last do it?”  Her:  (Sigh)  “You’re right, better do it now I suppose.”

Translation:  Hey you lazy alpha male and female.  This is to let you know the litter needs changing.

-oOo-

116. All-time Favourite Jokes Series. One evening at the Pentagon...

We all send each other jokes by e-mail; there are millions circulating on the internet.  Over the years I have saved the ones I consider to be up there in my pantheon of all-time greats.  There aren’t many, perhaps half a dozen or so (though one of them is a multiple one, as you will see in due course).  So – apologies - you may find yourself nodding as you read, and saying “I know that one”.  The idea of this blog is to hear/see/find fresh material, but because I consider these to be extra special, I’d like them to be here for the record.  They might be true -  I do so hope they are - but I can’t guarantee it.

.

-oOo-

A young ensign is working late at the Pentagon one evening.  As he clocks out of his office at about 8 p.m. he sees the Admiral standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

"Do you know how to work this thing?" the Admiral asks.  "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."

"Yes, sir," says the young ensign, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the Admiral, and feeds it in.

"Thanks," says the Admiral, "I just need one copy..."

-oOo-

115. Cat Dictionary Series (15)

Scene:  Time for bed.  Rusty scratches the door of the airing cupboard, indicating his wish for it to be opened.  He jumps up to the shelf with the towels and burrows in, purring loudly.  It's warm, dark and soft, and very much to his liking.  But then he is seized by a very wet sounding sneezing fit.  "Poor old Rusty" the man says.  "Poor old me", the woman retorts, "I'm going to have to wash all those bloody towels again..."

Translation:  Thank goodness I'm in this gorgeous cosy cave, surrounded by lovely soft hankies...

-oOo-

114. Memorial Plaque Series (11). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

Quirky name for a dog perhaps?

Otherwise I can't for the life of me figure out

how a gerbil could annoy a postman...

-oOo-

113. Christmas Chit-Chat 4, Bristol

Frank (left) and friend,

taken at Halloween last month.

Neighbour, woman (57):   (Bearing gift for Frank aged 4)  So Frank, are you going to stay up to see Santa?

Frank (4):  (Nodding vigorously) Yep.

Neighbour:  And are you sure you’re going to be able to stay awake to hear the sleigh on the roof?  I remember I used to try so hard but I never managed it…

Frank:  (loftily)  Oh yes, I’ve seen him lots of times.  I always see him.

(PS – neighbour looks forward to reminding Frank of this conversation in about 5 years’ time!)

-oOo-

112. Christmas Chit-Chat 3, Bristol

Scene:  Overheard from the Christmas table for the 8-10 year olds by the older folk at the “big” table.

Boy (11):  Bet you don’t know all the commandments.  I know ‘em.

(They start calling them out)

Girl (12):  I know one.  Thou shalt not admit adultery.

-oOo-

111. Christmas Chit-Chat 2, Bristol

Scene:  Standing around after midnight mass, temperature at -9° Celsius.

First woman (60):  … and then they found out he’d been married before and hadn’t got divorced.

Second woman (70):  Yeah, I’d heard he were a pigamist.

First woman (60):  (Turning to her husband)  Wossit called when you’ve only got one wife?  Oh I know (turning back, not giving him time to reply) – monotony, innit.

-oOo-

110. Memorial Plaque Series (10). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

109. Christmas Chit-Chat 1, Bristol

Scene:  Christmas lunch, everybody talking at once, then suddenly a gap in the conversation, and this is overheard.

Man (83):  … I normally have a shower every day

Wife (80):  Take no notice, he fell out with the soap years ago.  A rinse is what he has.

-oOo-

108. School essay about Christmas, before proof-reading...

“In last year’s Christmas concert, Lindsay played the main prat.  I played one of the smaller prats and I would like to have a bigger prat this year.”

-oOo-

107. Cat Dictionary Series (14)

Scene:  The Christmas tree is up in the porch, with its delicate ornaments swinging gently and glinting all colours as the fairy lights go on and off.  The living Christmas card is abruptly ruined as in a flurry and a jangling of protesting baubles Rusty launches himself at one of them, triumphantly bringing it down in pieces.  Woman realises too late that she should have closed the porch door…

Translation:  They’re so ungrateful.  All I’m trying to do is save them from those shiny birds on the tree – they must have got in the house when I wasn’t looking.  I’m an expert, I can deal with it.  Close the door behind you please.

-oOo-

106. Memorial Plaque Series (9). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

It's fun to speculate what could have prompted the comment.  After looking this up I have learned that it is a Geordie expression which I believe falls somewhere between tap-dancing down the lane and tottering down it none too sober.

-oOo-

105. Cat Dictionary Series (13)

Scene:  Night time.  The couple have just dropped off, but are awakened by the sound of a cat (Rusty) jumping up on the dressing table and blundering about, knocking items off.  He knows this sends the woman absolutely mental.  Sure enough, she jumps out of bed exclaiming “that bloody cat is on the dressing table again – I’ve told him off so many times.  Why does he still do it?”

Translation:  Because I can (doh…)

(PS: ... and I'm wide awake 'cos I've been sleeping all day)
(PPS:  ...and I'm bored)
(PPPS:  ...and I want attention)

-oOo-

104. Geography Lesson, UK

Mother (30):  So what did you learn in geography today?

Daughter (7):  We learned that countries with sea round them are islands and ones without sea are incontinents.

-oOo-

103. Cat Dictionary Series (12)

Scene:  She gets home from work, and before even taking off her coat, her first job is to feed the cats.  To pleading looks on upturned faces and tails snaking round her legs the bowls are filled and lowered to the floor.  They sniff at it uncertainly and hesitate.  “Nice food” she coaxes encouragingly – “come on boys…”.  They walk off, tails in the air.

Translation:  This food is freezing – she’s only just taken it out of the fridge.  Come on Banjo, the only way this is ever going to improve is if we boycott the food on the days she doesn’t open a new tin.  All for one and one for all!

-oOo-

102. Memorial Plaque Series (9). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

We understand what they mean, but can't help wondering

 if Frank might have preferred this to be phrased differently...

-oOo-

101. Cat Dictionary Series (11)

Scene:  It’s time for the 6-monthly visit to the vet.  The drama begins.  The cats - Banjo and Rusty - have only to hear a door closing in the lounge and to see the open cages to know their exit is being closed off for a good reason.  After much distress on both sides, they are finally lowered into the carrying cages, complaining vigorously.  They squirm and wriggle as they’re carried out to the waiting car, these normally quiet cats yowling for all their worth.

Translation:  Help! Somebody… help!  This cruel couple have kidnapped us and are selling us into slavery!  Can’t anybody hear us?!  They starve us all the time, and I’m sure I heard her say she wants to make a pair of gloves out of us!  There’ll be a man in a white coat with a needle!  HELP!

-oOo-

100. Geography exam (2), UK

“In Scandinavia the Danish people come from Denmark, the Norwegians come from Norway and the Lapdancers come from Lapland.”

-oOo-

99. Cat Dictionary Series (10)

Scene:  The two boxer dogs next door are at the peak of their vim and vigour, and don’t suffer fools gladly.  They absolutely hate cats.  Sometimes the cat couple play with them while chatting to the neighbours, by throwing a rubber ball at them which the dogs bound after and catch, and return dripping with saliva.  However, the closed gate is always between them… 

The cats (Rusty and Banjo) suffer no such qualms.  They have been known to wander casually from the neighbours’ garden and into their kitchen through the open door on the lookout for titbits, fully aware from the smell and the snuffling sounds that the boxers are asleep in the next room, their ears twitching.  

The cats’ favourite place is to sit comfortably on the roof of the neighbours’ garage looking haughtily down at the apoplectic boxers below, who bark raucously, pawing the ground with fury.

Translation:  Go on Banjo, your turn to play chicken…

-oOo-

98. Memorial Plaque Series (8). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

At first glance this might seem a rather inappropriate comment, but having read so many memorial plaques since, I have concluded that it must have been a favourite saying of Mr Morrison himself.  It therefore seemed quirky enough to include in this blog.

-oOo-

97. Cat Dictionary Series (9)

Scene:  The man has gone up into the loft to bring down the Christmas decorations.  While his attention is elsewhere Rusty seizes the opportunity and climbs up the ladder, disappearing inside to explore.  Sometime later as the couple are wondering where he’s got to, an apparition cautiously descends the ladder, red fur all but concealed by cobwebs, and sneezing copiously.  His whiskers are double their normal length, and somehow seem wrapped around his ears, ending in a point somewhere over his head. 

Translation:  I shouldn’t bother Banjo, the only living thing up there is spiders.  Got me some extra whiskers though - should be useful for getting through the garage door.

-oOo-

96. One side of a mobile phone conversation, Buenos Aires, Argentina

Her mother’s daughter (42):

-     No, Mum, don’t put his sweatshirt on him, it’s too warm today.

-     No Mum, seriously...

-     Well OK, why not carry it over your arm for him, but don’t leave it with him at school, because he’ll lose it....

-     Yes Mum, if he wants cold milk, let him have it cold....

-     Well OK, Mum, warm it up if you must, but just a little...

-     No Mum, don’t make him wear his sweatshirt, I tell you it’s too warm today...

-     Honestly, I don’t know why you bother to ring me, you always do what you want afterwards...

(Gustavo's comment:  She calls because she’s a mother, you’ll be just the same with the sweatshirt wearer...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

95. Cat Dictionary Series (8)

Scene:  Tearing sounds are heard by the couple as they watch TV.  Banjo is sharpening his claws energetically on the delicate fabric of an armchair.  Woman jumps up shouting at him “How many times must I tell you that you do NOT sharpen your claws on the armchairs?”  Cat leaps away out of sight.  Man says “You know it means he wants to be let out.”  Woman says “Well he won’t get his way by doing that.  He’s ruining the armchairs!”  Sighing, man heaves himself off the sofa.

Translation:  The technique provokes a bit of an alarming reaction, but it works like a charm…

-oOo-

94. Memorial Plaque Series (7). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

Transcription of top one:  "Annie Lord enjoyed life for 99 years until 1998.  Visited the pier on Saturday afternoons for the sea and air and wore her red hat."

-oOo-

93. Cat Dictionary Series (7)

Scene:  See photo of Rusty (a common sight)
.

.

Translation:  What one has to do in this hellhole to keep warm…

-oOo-

92. Viagra Story – Valencia, Spain, 1990's

Background:  When Viagra first appeared on the market in a blaze of publicity, it was not available over the counter in the UK at first, but it was easily obtainable in Spanish chemists.

Father (78):  That Viagra stuff, I bought some at the chemist.

Daughter (45, embarrassed):  You WHAT?

Father:  It’s no bloody good.  I took one, waited a bit, had no effect, so I took another.  No bloody good.  Didn’t work.

Daughter (horrified):  That’s stuff could be bad for your heart, and you took TWO?

Father:  Well anyway, it didn’t work, so I went back to the chemist and he wouldn’t give me my money back.

Daughter (staring at him in amazement, while son-in-law sniggers in the background):  So have you thrown them away?

Father (looking slightly shocked):  Course not.  I posted them to X (his brother, 4 years older), see if he could use them.

-oOo-

91. Cat Dictionary Series (6)

Scene:  Late evening. She’s on the computer.  Banjo jumps on desk, papers fly in all directions.  He walks back and forth in front of the screen, stepping on the keyboard, tail in the air, purring.  Affectionate attention is given.  Papers are collected off the floor, errors caused by random hitting of keyboard are corrected, cat hunkers down on the in-tray or on top of the printer.  Peace is restored.

Translation:  What a palaver to have to go through just to queue for that chair.  Hope she doesn’t take too long.

-oOo-

90. Memorial Plaque Series (6). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

89. Cat Dictionary Series (5)

Scene:  Cat Rusty is in the bathtub waiting patiently for someone to walk in.  When she eventually does, cat mews gently, and she asks solicitously whether he’s thirsty and wants some water, forthwith turning the cold bath tap on slightly.  Rusty sits there, watching the water flowing from the tap.

Translation:  Why does she always think I’m thirsty?  That’s what the dirty old pond outside is for.  I LIKE looking at water trickling down, watching it gather at the bottom in a little pool.  She’s looking at me puzzled cos I’m not drinking…. Well they go away sightseeing on holiday, never take us with them – so why shouldn’t I sightsee in the bathtub.  This is my Niagara Falls.  Now push off.

-oOo-

88. Geography exam (1), UK

“The closest town to France is Dover.  You can get to France on a train or you can go on a fairy.”

-oOo-

87. Cat Dictionary Series (4)

Sunday Ritual

Scene:  The couple are having their Sunday bacon and eggs.  Banjo is curled up on a spare chair beside them.  Every so often he puts a gentle paw on their lap.  They think this is so sweet and affectionate.

Translation:  If I don’t get any bacon snippets soon the velvet paw bit is gonna get replaced with claws.  Like now.

-oOo-

86. Memorial Plaque Series (5). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

85. Word Wobble (13) Geometry Exam

Question:  Describe the types of angles you see in the drawing below.

Male Pupil (8):  …..(fragment)  If it is less than 90 degrees it is a cute angel.

-oOo-

84. Care Home, Bristol

Scene:  An old lady is being interviewed by a clinical researcher to find out her drinking habits – not of the alcoholic variety, just how she keeps herself properly hydrated during the day.  Being a member of that special British generation that lived through World War II, tea plays a very great part in her daily drinking routines.  She’s clearly enjoying being asked to talk, and gets quite animated.

Researcher (female, 50):  So you take your tea in a mug – is it a special one?

Care Home resident (96):  Oh yes, I love me tea.

Researcher:  Is it a china mug?

Care Home resident:  Definitely, it says underneath “Made in China”.

-oOo-