623. Insults from the Past (19)

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

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622. What we mean is what we don't say (52)

We say:  Thought I should copy you this e-mail where it tells you that there's a virus that could destroy your hard drive.

We mean:  With a click of the mouse I'm saving all my contacts from a fate worse than death - aren't I the best?

What it says about us:  I can't be arsed to check first on the internet to see whether it's a hoax or not.  More fun to spread the panic.

-oOo-

621. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (8)

Q:  Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?  (USA)

A:  Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is...  Oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.  Come naked.

-oOo-

620. A matter of Geography?

Son (8):  This programme is stupid.  First it asks whether the guy is Argentine, then whether he's a Cordobés *.

Gustavo (38):  But that's perfectly correct, if one is an Argentine, one can be a Cordobés or not.

Daughter (11):  Of course - he could have dual nationality...

(Gustavo's comment:  Note to self - buy maps and a big stick.)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

*i.e. from the province of Córdoba

619. When Animals have something to say... (10)

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618. Cat Dictionary Series (34)

Woman:  Ooh Banjo you're such a sweetheart, come here for a cuddle...such a HANDSOME pussycat...aren't you purring loudly...love the way you head-butt my hand...my special cat... (sigh) I ought to be cooking dinner...that's why I came into the kitchen you see...

Banjo:  Mmm.  So why do you think I came into the kitchen after you??

-oOo-

617. What we mean is what we don't say (51)

We say:  I haven't received any of your e-mails - are you sure you used the correct address??

We mean:  'Course, I haven't checked my spam.

What is says about us:  Can't be bothered to check my spam.

-oOo-

616. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (73)

John Evans (brother of my great grandfather) worked in the coal mines - his nickname was Hell Fire Jack (must have been a powder monkey) and ended up with one leg.

Ken Evans, Australia.

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

615. Glorious Insults from the Past (18)

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

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614. Memorable Signs (10)

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613. Celebrity Quotes (1)

His mouth is a no-go area.  It's like kissing the Berlin Wall.
- Helena Bonham Carter on Woody Allen.

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612. What we mean is what we don't say (50)

We say: Sorry I haven't been in touch - my e-mail's been down.

We mean:  I haven't been in touch.

What is says about us:  I like receiving e-mails, not answering them.

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611. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (7)

Q  Can I bring cutlery into Australia?  (UK)

A:  Why?  Just use your fingers like we do.

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610. Glorious Insults from the Past (17)

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain.

-oOo-

609. Freudian slip?

IT Trainer (32):  ....so if we detect a virus from a competitor, we uninstall it... sorry I mean an antivirus.

(Gustavo's comment:  A case of no proof without evidence?...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

608. When animals have something to say... (9)

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607. What we mean is what we don't say (49)

We say:  I'm gasping for a cup of tea...

We mean:  I'm hot and thirsty.

What it says about us:  Very hot, bitter flavoured water quenches my thirst on a swelteringly hot day by raising my temperature to that of a boiling radiator, so that when I finish the drink the relief is such that I obviously feel cooler... relatively speaking.  (I'm British, you see.  Ice cold water just doesn't cut it).

-oOo-

606. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (72)

There is a local barber called Ricky Whoah - as in 'slow down'... He gained this nickname by being over zealous with the electric clippers.

Mag from Merthyr.

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

605. Glorious Insults from the past (16)

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."   (Forest Tucker)

-oOo-

604. Memorable Signs (9)

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603. IT Helpdesk reporting for duty...

Gustavo (38):  Hey guys, I'm here on behalf of the Helpdesk.  Close down all the programmes you're working on because I'm going to change your antivirus programme.

Colleague (female, 50):  Shall I turn my PC off as well?

Gustavo:  Go on then, I'll install your new antivirus with your PC switched off...

Colleague:  Ah - of course, I see what you mean.  You must think I'm stupid... it's just that I wasn't paying attention...

Gustavo:  Not to worry, it's free anyway, you don't have to pay...

(Gustavo's comment:  She still didn't get the joke - it can't have been a very good one...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

602. What we mean is what we don't say (48)

We say:  I feel all "icky"...

We mean:  I feel sticky and dirty.

What it says about us:  I'm in dire need of a bath, but I'm being cute about it.

-oOo-

601. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (6)

Q:  Which direction is North in Australia?  (USA)

A:  Face South, and then turn 180 degrees.  Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

-oOo-

600. Missed the boat...

With thanks to Helen, for letting me pinch it off her blog...

-oOo-

599. When animals have something to say (8)

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598. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (71)

In Markham there was a chap called Dai Winding, named after his job of manning the winding gear for bringing the cages up from underground.  And of course there was a Dai the Bookie, but that was probably a common name.

John Moore, Cardiff, formerly of Markham.

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

597. Glorious Insults of the Past (15)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

Charles, Count Talleyrand

-oOo-

596. Overheard at the hairdressers

Older woman with wet towel round her head:  What are you reading?

Young girl with a row of highlight papers going from forehead to crown:  Ooh I dunno, some police thingy.

Older woman:  I can't help noticing the book's torn to bits, you've just got a small piece there... so how will you know what happened next?

Young girl:  Ooh no, the last bit's all here.  I tore off the bit I'd alread read so's I wouldn't have to carry it...

Older woman:  Aaaaaah............. (?)

-oOo-

595. On the bus

(Ring Ring!)

Young Miss (26):  Hi love!

Young Sir's voice clearly heard:  Hello baby, will you give me another blow.job tonight then?

Young Miss:  Stop STOOOOP!!! I've left the hands-free on and I'm on the bus!

(Gustavo's comment:  Hands free, mouth busy)

Detail:  Don't know why, she got off at the next stop...

(Very!) loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

594. What we mean is what we don't say (47)

What we say:  My Sat-Nav is crap.

What we mean:  I don't know how to work my Sat-Nav properly.

What is says about us:  I don't carry A-Z's in the car...

-oOo-

593. What we mean is what we don't say (46)

What we say:  I got lost.

What we mean:  Your instructions were crap.

What is says about us:  I don't carry A-Z's in the car...

-oOo-

592. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (5)

Q:  Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A:  Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.  Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... Oh forget it.  Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.  Come naked.

-oOo-

591. I know people like this....

(Double-click to enlarge)

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590. Cool Dude

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589. I'm workin' I tell ya!!

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588. When animals have something to say (9)

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587. The writing on the wall...

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586. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (70)

We have a Dai-Turbo, he shuffles along about two miles per hour.  My favourite is Dai-Nose-and-Glasses, for obvious reasons.

Alan Watkins, Oakdale

-oOo-

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

585. Glorious Insults from the Past (14)

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."  Paul Keating

-oOo-

584. Hi Tech - hot air?

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583. Memorable signs (7)

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582. Einstein was a soya grower...

Daughter (11):  In your opinion was Einstein a genius?

Gustavo (38):  He was very clever...

Daughter:  Yes, but he couldn't do arabic dancing, or play golf.

Gustavo:  Well, one can't know everything, but he knew a lot in his field...

Daughter:  Ah, he had a field, did he?

Gustavo:  No my love, his field, it's as if to say his subject, his speciality (gives her a kiss)

Daughter:  Why are you kissing me?

Gustavo:  Better than cuffing you...

Daughter:  Pa, I'm serious.

Gustavo:  So am I.

(Gustavo's comment:  Einstein grew soya in his field)

(Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.)

-oOo-

581. Questions & Answers on an Australian Tourism Website (4)

Q:  Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia?  Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?  (UK)

A:  What did your last slave die of?

-oOo-

580. Hang on a minute, I need both hands for this...

-oOo-

579. When animals have something to say (8)

-oOo-

578. I know what you mean...

-oOo-

577. Gone to buy new shoes?

-oOo-

576. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (69)

There was a man called David who ran an upholstery business in Georgetown, Merthyr Tydfil, who became known as Dai-the-Up.

Karen, Littlehampton

-oOo-

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

575. Glorious Insults from the Past (13)

"He's not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."  Samuel Johnson

-oOo-

574. Memorable signs (6)

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