614. Memorable Signs (10)

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613. Celebrity Quotes (1)

His mouth is a no-go area.  It's like kissing the Berlin Wall.
- Helena Bonham Carter on Woody Allen.

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612. What we mean is what we don't say (50)

We say: Sorry I haven't been in touch - my e-mail's been down.

We mean:  I haven't been in touch.

What is says about us:  I like receiving e-mails, not answering them.

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611. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (7)

Q  Can I bring cutlery into Australia?  (UK)

A:  Why?  Just use your fingers like we do.

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610. Glorious Insults from the Past (17)

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain.

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609. Freudian slip?

IT Trainer (32):  ....so if we detect a virus from a competitor, we uninstall it... sorry I mean an antivirus.

(Gustavo's comment:  A case of no proof without evidence?...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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608. When animals have something to say... (9)

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607. What we mean is what we don't say (49)

We say:  I'm gasping for a cup of tea...

We mean:  I'm hot and thirsty.

What it says about us:  Very hot, bitter flavoured water quenches my thirst on a swelteringly hot day by raising my temperature to that of a boiling radiator, so that when I finish the drink the relief is such that I obviously feel cooler... relatively speaking.  (I'm British, you see.  Ice cold water just doesn't cut it).

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606. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (72)

There is a local barber called Ricky Whoah - as in 'slow down'... He gained this nickname by being over zealous with the electric clippers.

Mag from Merthyr.

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www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

605. Glorious Insults from the past (16)

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."   (Forest Tucker)

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604. Memorable Signs (9)

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603. IT Helpdesk reporting for duty...

Gustavo (38):  Hey guys, I'm here on behalf of the Helpdesk.  Close down all the programmes you're working on because I'm going to change your antivirus programme.

Colleague (female, 50):  Shall I turn my PC off as well?

Gustavo:  Go on then, I'll install your new antivirus with your PC switched off...

Colleague:  Ah - of course, I see what you mean.  You must think I'm stupid... it's just that I wasn't paying attention...

Gustavo:  Not to worry, it's free anyway, you don't have to pay...

(Gustavo's comment:  She still didn't get the joke - it can't have been a very good one...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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602. What we mean is what we don't say (48)

We say:  I feel all "icky"...

We mean:  I feel sticky and dirty.

What it says about us:  I'm in dire need of a bath, but I'm being cute about it.

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601. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (6)

Q:  Which direction is North in Australia?  (USA)

A:  Face South, and then turn 180 degrees.  Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

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600. Missed the boat...

With thanks to Helen, for letting me pinch it off her blog...

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599. When animals have something to say (8)

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598. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (71)

In Markham there was a chap called Dai Winding, named after his job of manning the winding gear for bringing the cages up from underground.  And of course there was a Dai the Bookie, but that was probably a common name.

John Moore, Cardiff, formerly of Markham.

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www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

597. Glorious Insults of the Past (15)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

Charles, Count Talleyrand

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596. Overheard at the hairdressers

Older woman with wet towel round her head:  What are you reading?

Young girl with a row of highlight papers going from forehead to crown:  Ooh I dunno, some police thingy.

Older woman:  I can't help noticing the book's torn to bits, you've just got a small piece there... so how will you know what happened next?

Young girl:  Ooh no, the last bit's all here.  I tore off the bit I'd alread read so's I wouldn't have to carry it...

Older woman:  Aaaaaah............. (?)

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595. On the bus

(Ring Ring!)

Young Miss (26):  Hi love!

Young Sir's voice clearly heard:  Hello baby, will you give me another blow.job tonight then?

Young Miss:  Stop STOOOOP!!! I've left the hands-free on and I'm on the bus!

(Gustavo's comment:  Hands free, mouth busy)

Detail:  Don't know why, she got off at the next stop...

(Very!) loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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594. What we mean is what we don't say (47)

What we say:  My Sat-Nav is crap.

What we mean:  I don't know how to work my Sat-Nav properly.

What is says about us:  I don't carry A-Z's in the car...

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593. What we mean is what we don't say (46)

What we say:  I got lost.

What we mean:  Your instructions were crap.

What is says about us:  I don't carry A-Z's in the car...

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592. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (5)

Q:  Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A:  Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.  Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... Oh forget it.  Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.  Come naked.

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591. I know people like this....

(Double-click to enlarge)

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590. Cool Dude

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589. I'm workin' I tell ya!!

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588. When animals have something to say (9)

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587. The writing on the wall...

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586. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (70)

We have a Dai-Turbo, he shuffles along about two miles per hour.  My favourite is Dai-Nose-and-Glasses, for obvious reasons.

Alan Watkins, Oakdale

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http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

585. Glorious Insults from the Past (14)

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."  Paul Keating

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584. Hi Tech - hot air?

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583. Memorable signs (7)

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582. Einstein was a soya grower...

Daughter (11):  In your opinion was Einstein a genius?

Gustavo (38):  He was very clever...

Daughter:  Yes, but he couldn't do arabic dancing, or play golf.

Gustavo:  Well, one can't know everything, but he knew a lot in his field...

Daughter:  Ah, he had a field, did he?

Gustavo:  No my love, his field, it's as if to say his subject, his speciality (gives her a kiss)

Daughter:  Why are you kissing me?

Gustavo:  Better than cuffing you...

Daughter:  Pa, I'm serious.

Gustavo:  So am I.

(Gustavo's comment:  Einstein grew soya in his field)

(Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.)

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581. Questions & Answers on an Australian Tourism Website (4)

Q:  Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia?  Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?  (UK)

A:  What did your last slave die of?

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580. Hang on a minute, I need both hands for this...

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579. When animals have something to say (8)

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578. I know what you mean...

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577. Gone to buy new shoes?

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576. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (69)

There was a man called David who ran an upholstery business in Georgetown, Merthyr Tydfil, who became known as Dai-the-Up.

Karen, Littlehampton

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http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

575. Glorious Insults from the Past (13)

"He's not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."  Samuel Johnson

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574. Memorable signs (6)

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573. Generation Gap

Girl (28):  Are you an idiot or what - you wait for me to put my iPod in my ear and then you start talking...

Man (36):  No, it's you that puts the Walkman in your ear just when I'm about to say something.

(Gustavo's comment:  He looked young, but if he says 'Walkman' he must be over 35...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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572. Partnership

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571. Questions & Answers on an Australian Tourism Website (3)

Q:  I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?  (Sweden).

A:  Sure, it's only three thousand miles.  Take lots of water.

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570. Lucky dog...

"An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.  An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar:  'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with a non stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?' "

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569. When animals have something to say (7)

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568. It's got a lot to say ...for a car...

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567. What we mean is what we don't say (41)

We say:  I'm running late.

We mean:  Got up late, left late, I'm telling you now so that you don't nag when you see me.

What is says about us:  Was up late, slept through the alarm...

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566. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (68)

A miner in Elliots Colliery in New Tredegar had an accident where had part of his ear taken off.  His nickname was Van Gogh.

James Hughes

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http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

565. Glorious Insults from the Past (12)

"I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S Cobb

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