Friday, 30 November 2012

803. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (1)

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

-oOo-

Thursday, 29 November 2012

802. What we mean is what we don't say...(82)

We sayMy baby is WALKING

We mean:  Yours isn't, and they're the same age.

What it says about us:  Not to worry, it's a genetic thing.  When my son rules the world we'll put in a good word for yours...

-oOo-

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

801. Celebrity Quotes (18)

An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf.

- Ross Perot on Dan Quayle

-oOo-

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

800. Grumpy Old Quotes (5)

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you've said.  After marriage he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.

Helen Rowland

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Monday, 26 November 2012

799. Answers to Hecklers (6)

Shazia Mirza:

"All men are pigs, especially you, sir.  Unfortunately, I can't eat pork."

-oOo-

Sunday, 25 November 2012

798. Comebacks (10)

Friend:  I've just come back from the beauticians!

You:  Don't worry, they'll probably open again tomorrow.

-oOo-

Saturday, 24 November 2012

797. Kulula Airlines (4)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.


 

-oOo-

Thursday, 22 November 2012

795. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (7)

From the British Army?  Are you sure you're not from the Salvation Army?

-oOo-

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

793. Put downs (14)

Man No. 1: You've got more chins than a Chinese phone book.

Man No. 2: God but your brain cell must be lonely...

-oOo-

Monday, 19 November 2012

792. In the queue waiting to pay for a pint of milk...

Overheard at a Bristol Hospital, at the WRVS shop in Orthopaedics Department:

Man (50's) (In wheelchair, talking to the lady who is making him a cup of coffee)
Left me leg behind in a supermarket car park the other day, look.

Lady at the till (70):  That was careless of you... how did you do that then?

Man:  Well I was with me son and when we got to the doctors I says to 'im  - "Where's me leg?" 

- "Ooh" 'e says, "I think it got left in the black bag with your other stuff in the trolley, look." 

So 'e 'ad to go back an' geddit.  I told 'im, I says "I can't be doin' without me leg."

Young people these days, they don't have the sense they're born with.

Lady at the till:  I know what you mean.

-oOo-

Sunday, 18 November 2012

791. Celebrity Quotes (16)

Can't act.  Slightly bald.  Can dance a little.

-  Screen Tester about Fred Astaire.

-oOo-

Saturday, 17 November 2012

790. Grumpy Old Quotes (4)

In mid-life the man wants to see how irresistible he still is to younger women.  How they turn their hearts to stone and more or less commit a murder of their marriage I just don't know, but they do.

Patricia Neal

-oOo-


The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Friday, 16 November 2012

789. Answers to Hecklers (5)

Heckler:  "You fat cow".

Jo Brand:  "I deliberately keep my weight up so that a tosser like you won't fancy me."

-oOo-

Thursday, 15 November 2012

788. Comebacks (9)

Man:  I know how to "please" a woman...

Woman:  Really?  then "please" leave me alone.

-oOo-

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

787. Kulula Airlines (3)

(These are the background notes I made for the first in the series, number 767)

Have you ever heard of Kulula Airlines?  It's a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - the word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages. 

I've put together a sequence of posts about them featuring photographs from the internet and some of their in-flight announcements, to show you what I mean.  It's a breath of fresh air in a business which is so frightened of scaring its passengers in case it puts them off from using their airline.  Kulula just makes its passengers laugh.



-oOo-

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

786. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (90)

I have a friend who used to be Dai the Milk because he sold milk but now he's Dai the Phone (career change).

Another friend who can recreate music exactly with his voice is called Dan the Beats.

A lad in school was Sion Bilko because of his military hair style.

Hugh Williams or Rin is named after his double Rinat Desiev, a fromer Russian goalkeeper.

My dad is still known as Shaft for various reasons but he did have a perm that resembled an afro in the late eighties.

Will Lloyd from Llantwit Major

Monday, 12 November 2012

Saturday, 10 November 2012

Friday, 9 November 2012

782. What we mean is what we don't say...(81)

What we sayI lost five pounds in weight this week

What we mean:  Just reminding you that YOU didn't ..............

What it says about us:  Nyah......... :-)))))))

-oOo-

Thursday, 8 November 2012

781. Celebrity Quotes (15)

She's so stupid she returns bowling balls because they've got holes in them.

- Joan Rivers on Bo Derek.

-oOo-

Wednesday, 7 November 2012

780. Grumpy Old Quotes (3)

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul.  When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

Anon.

-oOo-


The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

779. Answers to Hecklers (4)

Mark Steel to an audience in Belfast:

"I preferred it during the Troubles - at least you were fighting each other."

-oOo-

Monday, 5 November 2012

Sunday, 4 November 2012

777. Kulula Airlines (2)

See background notes about this airline in my post number 767. 

Here is another photo of one of their planes.


-oOo-

Saturday, 3 November 2012

776. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (89)

Dai-Book-and-pencil? You've guessed it - the local traffic warden in Brecon. Red-faced, glasses ... they must have used the mould for traffic wardens throughout the UK.


Janice Truscott

Friday, 2 November 2012