342. Memorial Plaque Series (67) - Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

341. What we mean is what we don't say...(2)

We say:  With (great) respect...

We mean:  With no respect whatsoever, I know more than you.  Shut up and pay attention to what I'm about to say.

What it says about us:  We think we're inspiring respect by saying it, rather than just plain irritation...

-oOo-

340. Aunt Winnie

Scene:  Aged Aunt Winnie comes for tea.  She heaves herself gratefully into an armchair and greets the little girl standing in front of her.

Little girl (5):  Hello Auntie Willy.

Aunt Winnie (80):  Well hello – are you going to give me a kiss?

Little girl:  Auntie Willie you’ve got “whickers”.  (Gasp from mother in the background)

Auntie Winnie:  Yes my dear, and when you’re my age you’ll have “whickers” too.

-oOo-

339. Welsh Idiosyncrasies (25) - Nickname Series

When my nan died the undertaker was known as Dai the Box, and the local vicar was John the Book.  My grampy had friends named Dai Six Kids and Dai Crackers.  And my uncle was the milkman in Aberfan and was known as Will the Milk.

Claire - ex Merthyr

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

338. Memorial Plaque Series (66) - Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

337. Letter to God (4)

-oOo-

336. How to be posh

Scene:  In a wine bar.

Smart & worldly young woman to blind date (18):  What will you be having for lunch?  I rather fancy the paté...

Aspiring young man on first date ever (19):  I'll have a qwitch.

-oOo-

335. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (24)

When I lived in Pontypridd our street was full of Davids, myself included.  Our next-door neighbour, who was also a David, became Dai Next Door, and the name stuck.

David Towell, Melbourne, Australia

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

334. Memorial Plaque Series (64). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

333. Political Commentary TV Programme, Argentina

Presenter:  ...in Buenos Aires today the opening has taken place of a new suburb named "President Nestor Kirchner", with one hundred and forty-seven new homes...

Son (8):  If every time a president dies they do so many good things, it would be better if more presidents died...

Comment by Gustavo:  This kid has the capacity for more political analysis than Morales Solá and Grondona (political analysts)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

332. Overheard at work

Work Colleague 1 (40):  Thing is, I'm not sure you can do the job..

Work Colleague 2 (50):  (flustered) I strongly resemble that remark, I really do.

-oOo-

331. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (23)

I vividly remember two teachers from Aberdare Boys Grammar School in the 70's, both of whom taught myself and my Dad (my Dad in the 30's, by the way).  His name was David Daniel Davies and was known as Dai Cubed, and the famous Tom Evans known as Long Tom - he seemed to me to be 6'16" when I was in form 1.  Fabulous guys, proper teachers.

from Rob Davies, Merthyr (Aberdare Snake originally)

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

330. Memorial Plaque Series (64). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

329. What we mean is what we don't say... (1)

We say:  I think you ought to know...

We mean:  I'm dying to tell you...

What it says about us:  I'm a busybody who loves giving bad news, and the look of shock on your face makes it all worth while...

-oOo-

328. Concrete doesn't need watering...

Where:  Overheard, walking down the hospital main corridor.

Who:     Two men from the Estates Department

Estate man 1 (50’s):  My jasmine is coming up lovely, gorgeous.  It’s this high and this wide, and the perfume!  Superb.  Last year no flowers at all, this year it’s bursting out all over.  Lovely.

Estate man 2 (40’s):  Mmm.  I thought you were saying the other week that you’re taking up the lawn??

Estate man 1:  Oh yeah I’m taking it up in the autumn, don’t want lawn.

Estate man 2:  So your jasmine will have gravel around it then?

Estate man 1:  Oh no, that’ll go as well.  I prefer concrete really.

Estate man 2:  Ooh ah, I’m with you.

???

-oOo-

327. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (22)

There was a man in Govilon who was called Tom the Lion who would get drunk and fight anything including the lamp post at the bottom of Blaenafon Road.  When he shouted his battle cry "when the lion roars Gilwern trembles" everyone including the police disappeared.

from Peter Stockham

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

326. Memorial Plaque Series (63). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

325. Letter to God (3)

-oOo-

324. Bobby the Budgie

Marie has called in the security company to service her house's alarm, and a very nervous young character arrives on her doorstep one morning who seems to jump at the sight of his own shadow.  Marie is distracted this particular morning, because her beloved budgie Bobby is out of sorts and she needs to discover whether he is showing any signs of sickness.

The alarm engineer sets to work in the room next to the kitchen, while Marie puts the kettle on to offer him a cuppa.  She chats in friendly fashion to the man, who stutters in reply, clearly preferring his own company.  He's relieved when the noise of the kettle drowns out conversation and he withdraws further into the little room with the alarm and starts to dismantle it. 

He hears the sound of the boiling water reachind a crescendo and then dying away, and the clattering of cups.  Then he hears Marie's coaxing voice -

"Are you going to be a good boy and have a drink?  We don't want you to get dehydrated, do we?  You're SUCH a HANDSOME boy, we don't want anything happening to you, do we?  Come here, let me give you a little tickle..."

Marie hears the back door slam and then the sound of the engineer's van door slamming and the engine being started, and wonders what's going on.  He returns some time later, telling her he had to go back to the workshop to get a part.  He's changed his mind he says, he'll skip the tea.

(With thanks to Marie)

-oOo-

323. Welsh Idiosyncrasies – Nickname Series (21)

My father was Gwyn Trott born in Resolven.  He had a friend Thomas Thomas nicknamed Tommy Twice.  Also at one stage apparently there were so many Trotts working in the mine at Resolven that the level was nicknamed the Trott level.

Peter Trott, London

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

322. Memorial Plaque Series (62) - Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

321. The Vessel with the Pestle?

Teenage Enid rings the doorbell at the house where her friend Alice Muster lives to see if she can come to the cinema with her.  Her friend’s father opens the door and tells her Alice has gone to the shops less than five minutes ago – didn’t she see her?  

Enid:  (blurting out) Oh No! I musta missed her Mr Muster!

(With thanks to Eric)

-oOo-

320. Trying out the new hip after the op

Granny (81):  Give me one of those biscuits, I’m hungry

Gustavo (38):  Hang on a minute, the nurse said something about asking them if you can eat solids.

Granny:  But they’ve got no salt in them.

Gustavo’s Comments: 

(You mean as you have high blood pressure you should be on a liquid only diet??)

(If you’re reading this, well you were right anyway, it was your hip they operated on, not your stomach…)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

319. The bottom of the bowl

Scene:  Old Peoples' Home

Supervisor:  Sid, why aren't you eating your pudding, don't you like it?

Sid (80):  I'm not having that muck.

Supervisor:  Why, what's wrong with it?

Sid:  Oh it's not the pudding.  I can't eat stuff when there's a pattern at the bottom of the bowl.  Don't care about the colour, doesn't have to be white, but I can't stand a pattern.  Won't eat out of it.  You can take it away.

(Sound of Supervisor tearing out what's left of her hair from last time...)

-oOo-

318. Memorial Plaque Series (61). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

317. I'll have gravy, but I'm not having sauce

Scene:  Old Peoples Home

Supervisor:  What now Sid - aren't you having your roast beef?  It's our special on a Sunday...

Sid (80):  They said this is sauce, and that it's got wine in it.  They've ruined it.

Supervisor:  It sounds delicious.  What's wrong with that?

Sid:  It ain't gravy, I'm not eating no foreign muck

(Sound of Supervisor tearing her hair out)

-oOo-

316. Fire Training (5)

Background

Mandatory Fire Training at the hospital.  Packed lecture theatre, darkened room, Trainer silhouetted against his PowerPoint presentation, seriously emphasising point by point.  After all, the lives of patients as well as our own could depend on getting it right...

Trainer:  So how did the fire spread?  It would depend on the causation of the fire.... And if there's a gas cannister nearby then the causation is less important and you'll get an intensification of in the rate of burning situation...

(eh?)

.... in other words an explosion.

(ah!)

-oOo-

315. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Welsh Nickname Series (20)

From my childhood in Abertridwr I remember Dill the Death (the local undertaker) and an elderly gentleman slow on his pins known as Dai Full-Pelt.

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

314. Memorial Plaque Series (60). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

313. Letter to God (2)

-oOo-

312. Pussywood Studios - Closed Set (X-rated)

Banjo to Director:  You want us to do WHAT???????????

-oOo-

311. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (19)

On a recent trip back to Kidwelly, I was talking about building repairs to a neighbour who made a reference to asking Dai Disaster.  I think I'll look in the Yellow Pages.

Michael Prynn, Birmingham

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

310. Memorial Plaque Series (59). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

It says:  "Frank the Plank"

-oOo-

309. Underground station, Buenos Aires

At the foot of a flight of stairs, talking on her mobile phone.

Young lady (23):  Sorry, I'm about to climb the stairs, and I can't handle talking and going up the stairs at the same time.  I'll call you back in five minutes.

(Gustavo's comment:  So chewing gum as well would be out of the question?)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

308. Letter to God (1)

-oOo-

307. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (18)

We've got John the Box, the undertaker, and Dean Death his assistant...

CB, Trelewis

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

306. Memorial Plaque Series (58). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

305. Mollie, in Patagonia

They told me I'd have a cabin with a view,

but this porthole's rubbish...

-oOo-

304. Fire Training (4)

Background

Mandatory Fire Training at the hospital.  Packed lecture theatre, darkened room, Trainer silhouetted against his PowerPoint presentation, seriously emphasising point by point.  After all, the lives of patients as well as our own could depend on getting it right...

Trainer:  There were several fire incidences, and even if mattresses are coated in fire retardant material they'll burn eventually, make no bones about it...

-oOo-

303. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (17)

There was a miner in the village called Dai Sick Note, because apparently he was always on the sick.

Claire Lewis, Penrhiwceiber

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

302. Memorial Plaque Series (57). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

301. On a busy street corner, Buenos Aires

Lady (66):  How odd to see an attic here - normally they don't let attics in the downtown area.

Man (72):  What you mean they don't let attics in?

Woman:  Artics* not attics.  You heard.  Why do you correct me?

Man:  If I'd understood you I wouldn't have asked.

Woman:  Yes, right.  You always do this to me.....

*Artic:  Articulated lorry

(Gustavo's comment:  How lovely to reach that age and be able to .... er, well, how lovely to reach that age.)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

300. Call Centre (last)

There's always one.  I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator:         'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared.'
Operator:         'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:         'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:         'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark??
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator:           'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not??'
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:           'A power......... A power failure?  Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?'
Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:            'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator:            'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!'

-oOo-

299. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (16)

David Jones worked in Mountain Ash Motors as a mechanic and used to buy old part exchanges, do them up and sell them.  Unknown in village as David Jones, well known as Dai Banger.

Russell Lewis, Penrhiwceiber

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

298. Memorial Plaque Series (56). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

297. Us musicians gotta stick together

Pupil (boy, 12) to piano teacher:  See, I like to finish the exercise with an archipelago, like this.................

-oOo-

296. Fire Training (3)

Background

Mandatory Fire Training at the hospital.  Packed lecture theatre, darkened room, Trainer silhouetted against his PowerPoint presentation, seriously emphasising point by point.  After all, the lives of patients as well as our own could depend on getting it right...

Trainer: ...Heat and oxygen can generate flame, and vicky verky.

-oOo-

295. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (15)

My great grandmother's second husband's name was Richard Edwards and he worked as a sinker in the colliery so he was known as Dick the Sinker.  My husband's name is Tom Williams (Little Tom) whose father is Tom Williams and he worked in Oakdale colliery and his nickname was Tom Tinker.

Nichola Whitney-Williams, Abergavenny

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

294. Memorial Plaque Series (55). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

293. How the world was created...in Buenos Aires

Daughter (10):  No Dad, the fact that I don't believe in Genesis doesn't mean that I don't believe in the Big Mac Theory either.

(Gustavo's comment:  OK, so Ronald McDonald isn't a god then)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-