573. Generation Gap

Girl (28):  Are you an idiot or what - you wait for me to put my iPod in my ear and then you start talking...

Man (36):  No, it's you that puts the Walkman in your ear just when I'm about to say something.

(Gustavo's comment:  He looked young, but if he says 'Walkman' he must be over 35...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

572. Partnership

-oOo-

571. Questions & Answers on an Australian Tourism Website (3)

Q:  I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?  (Sweden).

A:  Sure, it's only three thousand miles.  Take lots of water.

-oOo-

570. Lucky dog...

"An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.  An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar:  'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with a non stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?' "

-oOo-

569. When animals have something to say (7)

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568. It's got a lot to say ...for a car...

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567. What we mean is what we don't say (41)

We say:  I'm running late.

We mean:  Got up late, left late, I'm telling you now so that you don't nag when you see me.

What is says about us:  Was up late, slept through the alarm...

-oOo-

566. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (68)

A miner in Elliots Colliery in New Tredegar had an accident where had part of his ear taken off.  His nickname was Van Gogh.

James Hughes

-oOo-

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

565. Glorious Insults from the Past (12)

"I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S Cobb

-oOo-

564. Memorable signs (5)

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563. Great Expectations (in Buenos Aires)

Woman on mobile phone (43):  It's not the way to behave with me, it's not the way to behave with your brothers and sisters, and it's not the way to behave with your companions.  What are you playing at?

(Gustavo's comment:  At being president?)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

562. What we mean is what we don't say (40)

We say:  I'm feeling rough.

We mean:  I'm unwell enough to stay away from work thank goodness.

What it says about us:  Too many pints of beer/glasses of wine last night.  What am I like...

-oOo-

561. Questions & Answers on an Australian Tourism Website (2)

Q:  Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?  (USA)

A:  Depends how much you've been drinking.

-oOo-

560. The perfect husband

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked.  "Incredible!"

Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "what the heck, I'll treat her".

So we walked past it again.

-oOo-

559. When animals have something to say (6)

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558. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Joke Series

A tourist stopped to chat with a Cardi* farmer who was putting up a building.

"What are you building?" he asked.

"Well, if I can let it, it's a rustic cottage" said the farmer, "and if I can't, it's a cow shed."

*Cardi = Cardiganshire

-oOo-

http://www.welshjokes.com/jokes/welshisms

557. What we mean is what we don't say (39)

We say:  I'm not well, I woke up with a really really sore throat this morning.

We mean:  I'm unwell enough to stay away from work thank goodness...

What it says about us: I've probably been snoring again.

-oOo-

556. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (67)

My great-grandfather was known as Shunko-one-side because he was born with some kind of deformity.  My brother who went to the Boys Grammar School, Aberdare had a teacher whose nickname was Conch because he had been a conscientious objector during World War II.

Anna in Rome, formerly of Aberdare.

-oOo-

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

555. Glorious Insults from the Past (11)

"He is a self-made man who worships his creator."  John Bright

-oOo-

554. Memorable Signs (4)

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553. Don't forget to remember...

Gustavo (38):  Don't forget to tell her tomorrow?

Daughter (11):  Tell her what?

(She's already forgotten...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

552. What we mean is what we don't say (38)

We say:  I didn't sleep a WINK last night.

We mean:  Honestly, I didn't close my eyes ONCE.  How dare you not believe me?

What it says about us:  Well, maybe I nodded off now and then for a few seconds...or minutes.... or more... but how else do I convey to you the extent of my suffering?

-oOo-

551. Questions & Answers on an Australian Tourism Website (1)

Q:  Does it ever get windy in Australia?  I have never seen it rain on TV - so how do the plants grow?  (UK)

A:  We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.

-oOo-

550. Glorious Insults from the Past (10)

"I feel so miserable without you.  It's almost like having you here."

- Stephen Bishop

-oOo-

549. When animals have something to say... (5)

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548. Washing Instructions

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547. What we mean is what we don't say... (37)

We say:  I'm not well, I've been up all night with sickness and diarrhoea.

We mean:  Actually it was once each before bedtime.

What it says about us:  It was horrible.  I deserve not to have to come to work after all that suffering.

-oOo-

546. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (66)

My great grandfather was from Cwm and he was nicknamed Ike Pidgeon, which is a coincidence because there is a man called Dillwyn from Cwm who's claiming his father was also nicknamed Ike Pidgeon.  My other great grandfather was known as Pecker and I never actually plucked up the courage to ask him WHY!!!

Tara Williams from Blackwood.

-oOo-

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

545. Glorious insults from the past (9)

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill:  I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play.  Bring a friend, if you have one.

Winston Churchill to George Bernard Shaw:  Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one.

-oOo-

544. Memorable Signs (3)

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543. Communication problem

Work Colleague (47):  I sent him an e-mail to ask him to come to a meeting at 10.30 because of our communication problems and he replied asking if it could be re-scheduled for the morning...

Gustavo (38):  So it's a real communication problem then.

(Gustavo's comment:  He couldn't have misunderstood the time as being 10.30 p.m. because here we all leave at 4.30 of course...)

(Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.)

-oOo-

542. What we mean is what we don't say... (36)

What we say:  Traffic was TERRIBLE today...

What we mean:  That's why I'm late for work.

What is says about us:  It was, but maybe I should get up earlier...

-oOo-

541. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (65)

One that always tickled me - Ray-Half-Day - was normally found in the pub half way through the working day.

Leanne, Resolven

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

540. Glorious insults from the past (8)

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends..."   Oscar Wilde

-oOo-

539. When animals have something to say... (4)

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538. At the Urologist's

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537. What we mean is what we don't say... (35)

We say:  I'll be in touch.  Can I have your e-mail address?

We mean:  ... because I don't want to have aimless discussions about it.

What is says about us:  I describe myself as an action person not a talk person (and I bore easily).

-oOo-

536. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (64)

Back in the 1950s there was a retired bank manager who lived in Llan.  He was born in Vyrnwy and was known as Mr Vrynwy Jones.

Kate from Yorkshire

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

535. Glorious Insults from the Past (7)

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

(Mark Twain)

-oOo-

534. Memorable Signs (2)

-oOo-

533. If you can keep your head when all about you...

Recommendation

If you go to a supermarket whose owners are Chinese, and perched on the till they've got an unsteady looking container full of lollipops and chocolate bars sticking out, be careful not to nudge one of the bars with your elbow, because without a shadow of a doubt the container will become unstable, the lollipops will crash to the floor making a terrible noise, and end up in a splintered, sticky mess.

(Gustavo's comment:  I didn't follow my own advice)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

532. What we mean is what we don't say... (34)

We say:  My work colleague's away for two weeks.

We mean:  So don't even THINK of asking me to do his work for him...

What is says about us:  One has to think of other ways of saying "It's not my job"...

-oOo-

531. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (63)

My friend's dad worked in Tower Colliery and he always used to be on about Dai Magic.  Apparently when there was work to be done he would disappear.

Ross Manning.

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.sht

530. Glorious insults from the past (6)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

(Moses Hadas)

-oOo-

529. When animals have something to say (3)

-oOo-

528. New Year's Eve party, on the stroke of midnight

Swaying reveller, drunk as a skunk, waving his glass and slopping its contents in the face of another reveller whom he's hoping to impress (young, relatively sober and female): 

"Happy Nude Rear............................!"

-oOo-

527. What we mean is what we don't say... (33)

We say:  I'll let you know if I'm free...I'll call/e-mail/text you...

We mean:  Don't want to think about it right now, and anyway I want to keep my options open...

What it says about us:  I'll do what suits me.

-oOo-

526. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (62)

There was a fitter called Bore Fore as he'd always put the job off till the morning.  Another fitter was called Flashing Spanners.

Tom, South Wales

(Blogger note: I don't understand the first one either - can anyone explain??)

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

525. Glorious Insults from the Past (5)

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

-oOo-

524. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Joke Series (12)

An English visitor to a small Welsh village was approached by one of the deacons of the local chapel, who asked him whether he would like to attend their chapel on the following Sunday.

"Wouldn't that be a little pointless?" asked the Englisman.  "After all, your services are held in Welsh and I don't understand the language."

"Ah yes", said the deacon, "but the collection is in English."

-oOo-