644. Memorable Signs (13)

-oOo-

643. Cat Dictionary Series (35)

Woman:  Come here Rustykins, I need to give you your insulin injection, there's a good boy.  Would you like a bowl of milk so you don't notice I'm jabbing you?   Mmmm, nice milk, here it is.  Jump up on the stool to have it, so I can reach you better...

Rusty:  (eyeing the needle but gazing longingly at the bowl on the stool)  Don't you get near me with that needle, you awful woman.  I know your sadistic games.  I'll just check that really IS milk.   Mmm, well go on then, if you're quick...

-oOo-

642. What we mean is what we don't say... (56)

We Say:  My Nigerian grandfather left me a million pounds and I want to share it with you.

We mean:  You're going to give me a million pounds and I won't share it with anybody.

What it says about us:  I work hard for a living, sitting at this computer.  Hello - anybody out there??

-oOo-

641. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (10)

Q:  Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?  (Germany)

A:  No, we are a peaceful civilization of began hunter-gatherers.  Milk is illegal.

-oOo-

640. Overheard in the street (by Gustavo)

Man (50):  No, it's my wife who buys all the presents.  I get to hear about it next month when the credit card statement arrives.

(Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.)

-oOo-

639. When Animals have something to say... (12)

-oOo-

638. Insults from the Past (22)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it."  - Groucho Marx

-oOo-

637. What we mean is what we don't say (55)

We say:  I'm e-mailing you to tell you about Cialis, which will keep you harder for longer!

We mean:  Blanket coverage because if you're not a man then you know one, 'cos they're born every minute.

What is says about us:  Even if only 1% of the suckers out there falls for it, I'm still in the money.  Woo Hoo!!

-oOo-

636. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (75)

1.  Bob-Up-and-Down - had one leg shorter than the other;

2.  Justin and Ashley Trout - their dad caught the record brown trout in the area;

3.  Tombstone-Pete - had large grey teeth;

4.  My grandfather, Dai-the-Ton was landlord of the Tonglwydfawr Inn, Cwmdare.

Rich Lambert from North London (originally Aberdare)

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

635. Troubles with Granny Aititi aged 81

Gustavo (38):  So are you still climbing on the table to clean the ceiling fan?

Aititi (81) :  (Indignantly)  No of course not.  These days I climb on the chair and have a go at it with the feather duster.

(Gustavo's comment:  Aititi is brilliant... with her new hip and the same bad habits... if the end of the world was nigh nobody need worry, she'd survive and clean everything.)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

634. Memorable Signs (12)

-oOo-

633. Insults from the Past (21)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

-oOo-

632. What we mean is what we don't say (54)

We say:  I'm e-mailing you to ask you whether you want a longer penis?

We mean:  Blanket coverage because if you're not a man then you know one, 'cos they're born every minute.

What is says about us:  Even if only 1% of the suckers out there falls for it, I'm still in the money.  Woo Hoo!!

-oOo-

631. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (9)

Q:  Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A:  You are a British politician, right?

-oOo-

630. (Celebrity?) Quotes (3)

"He has the face of a saint - a Saint Bernard." - Unknown

-oOo-

629. When Animals have something to say... (11)

-oOo-

628. Insults from the Past (20)

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-post... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

-oOo-

627. What we mean is what we don't say (53)

We say:  I'm e-mailing you to tell you that I'm a beautiful Russian girl wanting to have a relationship with you...

We mean:  You and several million others.  Blanket coverage because if you're not a man then you know one, 'cos they're born every minute.
.

What is says about us:  Even if only 1% of the suckers out there falls for it, I'm still in the money.  Woo Hoo!!

-oOo-

626. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (74)

A senior member of our community who walked with alternately raised knees and placing one foor directly in front of the other was knows as Hecky-go-Kick.

Mal George, Gwaelodygarth

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

625. Celebrity Quotes (2)

"There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full." - Henry Kissinger.

-oOo-

624. Memorable Signs (11)

-oOo-

623. Insults from the Past (19)

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

-oOo-

622. What we mean is what we don't say (52)

We say:  Thought I should copy you this e-mail where it tells you that there's a virus that could destroy your hard drive.

We mean:  With a click of the mouse I'm saving all my contacts from a fate worse than death - aren't I the best?

What it says about us:  I can't be arsed to check first on the internet to see whether it's a hoax or not.  More fun to spread the panic.

-oOo-

621. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (8)

Q:  Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?  (USA)

A:  Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-ma-ny, which is...  Oh forget it.  Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.  Come naked.

-oOo-

620. A matter of Geography?

Son (8):  This programme is stupid.  First it asks whether the guy is Argentine, then whether he's a Cordobés *.

Gustavo (38):  But that's perfectly correct, if one is an Argentine, one can be a Cordobés or not.

Daughter (11):  Of course - he could have dual nationality...

(Gustavo's comment:  Note to self - buy maps and a big stick.)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

*i.e. from the province of Córdoba

619. When Animals have something to say... (10)

-oOo-

618. Cat Dictionary Series (34)

Woman:  Ooh Banjo you're such a sweetheart, come here for a cuddle...such a HANDSOME pussycat...aren't you purring loudly...love the way you head-butt my hand...my special cat... (sigh) I ought to be cooking dinner...that's why I came into the kitchen you see...

Banjo:  Mmm.  So why do you think I came into the kitchen after you??

-oOo-

617. What we mean is what we don't say (51)

We say:  I haven't received any of your e-mails - are you sure you used the correct address??

We mean:  'Course, I haven't checked my spam.

What is says about us:  Can't be bothered to check my spam.

-oOo-

616. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (73)

John Evans (brother of my great grandfather) worked in the coal mines - his nickname was Hell Fire Jack (must have been a powder monkey) and ended up with one leg.

Ken Evans, Australia.

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

615. Glorious Insults from the Past (18)

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

-oOo-

614. Memorable Signs (10)

-oOo-

613. Celebrity Quotes (1)

His mouth is a no-go area.  It's like kissing the Berlin Wall.
- Helena Bonham Carter on Woody Allen.

-oOo-

612. What we mean is what we don't say (50)

We say: Sorry I haven't been in touch - my e-mail's been down.

We mean:  I haven't been in touch.

What is says about us:  I like receiving e-mails, not answering them.

-oOo-

611. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (7)

Q  Can I bring cutlery into Australia?  (UK)

A:  Why?  Just use your fingers like we do.

-oOo-

610. Glorious Insults from the Past (17)

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain.

-oOo-

609. Freudian slip?

IT Trainer (32):  ....so if we detect a virus from a competitor, we uninstall it... sorry I mean an antivirus.

(Gustavo's comment:  A case of no proof without evidence?...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

608. When animals have something to say... (9)

-oOo-

607. What we mean is what we don't say (49)

We say:  I'm gasping for a cup of tea...

We mean:  I'm hot and thirsty.

What it says about us:  Very hot, bitter flavoured water quenches my thirst on a swelteringly hot day by raising my temperature to that of a boiling radiator, so that when I finish the drink the relief is such that I obviously feel cooler... relatively speaking.  (I'm British, you see.  Ice cold water just doesn't cut it).

-oOo-

606. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (72)

There is a local barber called Ricky Whoah - as in 'slow down'... He gained this nickname by being over zealous with the electric clippers.

Mag from Merthyr.

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

605. Glorious Insults from the past (16)

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."   (Forest Tucker)

-oOo-

604. Memorable Signs (9)

-oOo-

603. IT Helpdesk reporting for duty...

Gustavo (38):  Hey guys, I'm here on behalf of the Helpdesk.  Close down all the programmes you're working on because I'm going to change your antivirus programme.

Colleague (female, 50):  Shall I turn my PC off as well?

Gustavo:  Go on then, I'll install your new antivirus with your PC switched off...

Colleague:  Ah - of course, I see what you mean.  You must think I'm stupid... it's just that I wasn't paying attention...

Gustavo:  Not to worry, it's free anyway, you don't have to pay...

(Gustavo's comment:  She still didn't get the joke - it can't have been a very good one...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

602. What we mean is what we don't say (48)

We say:  I feel all "icky"...

We mean:  I feel sticky and dirty.

What it says about us:  I'm in dire need of a bath, but I'm being cute about it.

-oOo-

601. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (6)

Q:  Which direction is North in Australia?  (USA)

A:  Face South, and then turn 180 degrees.  Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

-oOo-

600. Missed the boat...

With thanks to Helen, for letting me pinch it off her blog...

-oOo-

599. When animals have something to say (8)

-oOo-

598. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (71)

In Markham there was a chap called Dai Winding, named after his job of manning the winding gear for bringing the cages up from underground.  And of course there was a Dai the Bookie, but that was probably a common name.

John Moore, Cardiff, formerly of Markham.

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

597. Glorious Insults of the Past (15)

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

Charles, Count Talleyrand

-oOo-

596. Overheard at the hairdressers

Older woman with wet towel round her head:  What are you reading?

Young girl with a row of highlight papers going from forehead to crown:  Ooh I dunno, some police thingy.

Older woman:  I can't help noticing the book's torn to bits, you've just got a small piece there... so how will you know what happened next?

Young girl:  Ooh no, the last bit's all here.  I tore off the bit I'd alread read so's I wouldn't have to carry it...

Older woman:  Aaaaaah............. (?)

-oOo-

595. On the bus

(Ring Ring!)

Young Miss (26):  Hi love!

Young Sir's voice clearly heard:  Hello baby, will you give me another blow.job tonight then?

Young Miss:  Stop STOOOOP!!! I've left the hands-free on and I'm on the bus!

(Gustavo's comment:  Hands free, mouth busy)

Detail:  Don't know why, she got off at the next stop...

(Very!) loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-