383. What we mean is what we don't say (7)

We say:  So I turned round and said to her...

We mean:  I took her by surprise with my strong reply - no one messes with ME

What it says about us:  I'm kinda cool and strong, aren't I?

-oOo-

382. Memorial Plaque Series (77) - Clevedon Pier, North Somerset

-oOo-

381. Genetically speaking...

Scene:  Two men waiting in outpatients discussing their aches and pains.

.

Man 1 (75):  Ah but you’re not allowed Ibuprofen, see.  You gotta to stick to Paracetamol – that won’t do you any ‘arm.

Man 2 (79):  Well I don’t have those, I takes Nurofen.

Man 1:  See, that’s the same as Ibuprofen.

Man 2:  No it’s not, it’s Nurofen.

Man 1:  (Patiently)  Same thing, Ibuprofen is a sort of genetic, see.

Man 2:  Well I don’t know about things like that.

-oOo-

380. Exam Papers (8 of 25)

-oOo-

379. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (35)

I worked in Tower with Red Ray (a communist), Dai Champ (ex-boxer), Willy Four Pans (?), Egg-on-Legs (fat overman) and later I was called Wayne Postie as I ran a post office.

Wayne, Porthcawl

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

378. Memorial Plaque Series (76) - Clevedon Pier, North Somerset (two-part!)

-oOo-

377. Letter to God (7)

-oOo-

376. What we mean is what we don't say (6)

We say:  I shouldn't be telling you this.

We mean:  Good, NOW I've got your attention.

What it says about us:  I (really) shouldn't be telling you this...

-oOo-

375. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (34)

When I was doing my training at Oakdale Training Centre there was a training officer everybody knew as Dai Spangle, no prizes for guessing for sweets Dai liked.

Rob Slocombe, Pontllanfraith

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

374. Memorial Plaque Series (75) - Clevedon Pier, North Somerset

Aaaaah...

-oOo-

373. Conversation overheard on a bus

Tiresome Girl 1 (21):  Well I asked him, like, why he's being so mysterious, like, who left whom and why, but he won't tell me anything.

Tiresome Girl 2 (20):  Yeah but if he, like, tells you then it's worse, because then you're gonna, like, compare...

Tiresome Girl 1:  Yeah it's worse, but, like, if he doesn't tell me I wanna know, and I'm gonna be jealous anyway, so I'd have to find out from someone else...

Tiresome Girl 2:  Yeah, I, like, sooooo know what you mean...

(Gustavo's coment:  Well I don't)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

372. How to give bed baths

Background:  Experienced nurse Marie is helping out in the ward, and is also training a very young and pretty nurse, Daisy, in giving bed baths.  She is showing signs of nervousness at having to treat youngish high spirited male patients.   Marie has given her sensible advice – speak soothingly to them as you wash them and stick to practical subjects. 

As she works, Daisy is at the next bed, around which screens have been drawn to afford the patient some privacy while he is being washed.  Through the flapping curtain Marie can see that he is surprisingly well endowed.  To a nurse with her years and experience this is merely a physiological fact, but she realises there might be a problem as soon as Daisy starts at the foot end,  and the younger girl’s embarrassment is palpable through the curtain.  “Stick to practical issues, Daisy”, Marie wills her silently, as she deals with her own patient.  She hears her through the curtain.

Daisy (20):  Well Mr Evans, if you would just lie flat for me... that’s it, thank you.  Let’s do your feet first.

She then proceeds to  knee level.

...Right ...er... I hope I’m not doing this too hard...No?....good...

Further up.

...So...er...(ooh!)...are you married Mr Evans? ... No?  Oh, what a waste....er a shame...

Followed by a long, embarrassed silence.

-oOo-

With thanks to Sarah

371. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (33)

My father (1901 - 1958) was known as Tom Jockey in Crumlin, Gwent, a title inherited from his father who used to take the mail on horseback in the valleys in the late 1800s.

John Harris, France.

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

370. Memorial Plaque Series (74) - Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

369. Urologists' humour...

-oOo-

368. A word or two about Dr Smith...

Background:  Old lady chatting excitedly to a friend she’s met in the street after a long absence.

Old lady (87):  Dr Smith is a lovely man, I go to him for everything.  Most congenital he is.

-oOo-

367. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Welsh Nickname Series (32)

Dai Bad Patch.  A great singer but always 'going through a bad patch', still singing today.

Mike Rees, Nwe, Tredegar

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

366. Memorial Plaque Series (73) - Clevedon Pier, Somerset

It says -

Tom Robinson

Artist extraordinaire and friend of the pier.

1991 and still painting

-oOo-

365. What we mean is what we don't say (5)

We say:  ....But that's just me!  (with a depracating shrug of the shoulders and a twinkle)

We mean:  I'm unique, a one-off.  Quirky and different, you could never forget me.

What it says about us:  I need to feel original, in case I'm not.

-oOo-

PS:  One year blog anniversary today!  I never know for how long I'll be able to keep finding humorous or quirky things to say - I never have more than a few weeks' worth of posts stored up at any one time.  To enable me to make entries every day they're not always original, they're chosen because they're MY humour.  I hope they give you a daily smile.

I'm also grateful to Gustavo from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana for the initial inspiration and encouragement, and for allowing me to pillage some of his stories to translate into English.

364. Letter to God (6)

-oOo-

363. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (31)

Dai Hazard was so called because he was accident prone...

Jen from Glamorgan.

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

362. Memorial Plaque Series (72) - Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

361. At the branch office in Bahía Blanca of an IT company

Scene:  Local beauty spots are being discussed, particularly a range of pre-cambrian mountains known as the Sierra de la Ventana ("ventana" = window) because of an unusual formation in one of them -

General Manager, Bahía Blanca office (52):  So - do you know Sierra de la Ventana?

Gustavo (38):  Yes, but a long time ago.  These days I suppose it's known as Sierra Windows 2010?

(Gustavo's comment:  All right, all right, keep your hair on.............)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

360. What we mean is what we don't say (4)

We Say:  To be honest (or) to be brutally frank...........

We Mean:  No one has the guts to say this but me, so prepare to be really impressed.

What it says about us:  I was away the day they taught us at school how to express ourselves in phrases other than clichés.

-oOo-

359. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (30)

My Grandad who worked down Treharris Deep Navigation Pit, told of a bloke who when he first came to Merthyr got on the bus.  Not knowing how to ask for a return ticket, he made the best of it and asked for a ticket back and front.  From then on he was known as Dai Back and Front.

Kate Evans, Merthur Tydfil

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

358. Memorial Plaque Series (71) - Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

357. Emma The Helpful

Scene:  A senior consultant surgeon is preparing to go out to an important hospital dinner and he’s running a bit late.  As usual he’s on his mobile sorting out some problem or other, his wife is coming and going, handing him a freshly ironed shirt, hunting for the cuff links he’s mislaid, and reminding him about the coins he’ll need to cross the toll bridge.  7 year old daughter Emma is getting in everybody’s way because she wants to be a part of the hustle and bustle.  What she says next freezes all activity at a stroke.

Emma (7):  Daddy, Mummy’s found your fuck links.

-oOo-

356. Breaking news – Grass Frosties are bad for you

Background:  Rona works as secretary at a small branch of wholesale seed merchants.  They sell grass seed for, among other uses, growing forage grass for milking cows.  A recent innovation is the development of a special grass which contains higher levels of water-soluble carbohydrates – sugars - within the cells, and has been proven to raise milk yields by 6%.  It’s known as High Sugar Grass, and the phones have been buzzing with farmers wanting to know more about it.  Rona is taking many calls which she passes on to the salesmen, and it’s so busy that she’s finding it difficult to get on with her main work.  She’s taken plenty of messages too, and at one point several salesmen are standing by her desk, waiting to be handed the various scribbled notes.  The stress is getting to her...

Rona (50) – crossly:  All this fuss about high sugar grasses... and anyway it must be terribly bad for the cows’ teeth...

-oOo-

355. Welsh idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (29)

I used to live in a street called the Bush Houses, in Clydach Vale, Rhondda.  There was a wonderful character there, a chap known as Harry Penny (né Francis).  He owned a donkey and cart, and each morning he would travel to Tonypandy Railway station, to meet the cockles and mussels train that would arrive at 4:30 a.m. from West Wales.  He's take his collection home to be washed before going out on th streets to sell his product.  He would sell the mussels and cockles in a pint jar, for a penny - and that's how Harry got his name.  It was thought that Harry sired 22 children, most of whom I knew!

Gregory Glyndwr

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

354. Memorial Plaque Series (70) - Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

353. A sip of water to take a pill?

Scene:  Two hospitable maiden aunts in their late 80's regularly have cousins and nephews to stay.  This is an overheard half of a telephone conversation.

Aunt Lizzie (86): 

My dear, I’m so embarrassed, I can hardly bring myself to tell you about it.  We had such a busy weekend!  Rosie and the twins came to stay, and then at the last minute Daphne rang and said she was in England and would be in the area, and could she come.  Well of course we were delighted to see her – she’s such a shy person, isn’t she? 

She’s got a very bad leg poor thing, and it was obvious she wasn’t going to manage the stairs, so I gave her my room downstairs.  She insisted she could manage, but of course she couldn’t.  And besides, her eyesight is terrible, she’d have tripped or something.  Maggie (88) offered hers too, but it was going to be too complicated, what with all those little bottles of medication she has lined up on the dressing-table, and her commode and everything.  So I just moved a few things over – it was only going to be one night after all.

I went to bed late. I was catching up on the old newspapers (you won’t believe it but I’ve nearly finished the ones I’d kept from the 1990’s!  I know…! well, I’m getting there).  Anyway, I suddenly remembered that I’d left my teeth in the glass on my night-table but it was too late to do anything about it.  On the Sunday morning Daphne didn’t say anything about it, and she left about lunchtime.

Later when everybody had left I moved my things from the spare room upstairs back down to my own room, and my dear, you’ll never guess.  My dentures were still in the glass on the night-table, but the water level had gone down because they were slightly above the water...

I dissolve a special tablet in the glass to clean them, so it must have tasted simply awful, even though she couldn’t have drunk much of it.

I just won’t know what to say when she rings to thank us.  What do you think?

-oOo-

352. What we mean is what we don't say (3)

We say:  Trust me!    (as in: "He knows what he's talking about - trust me!")

We mean:  I know more about this than I'm prepared to let on.

What it says about us: I don't, but I want you to think so.

-oOo-

351. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (28)

There was Dai Twp because he looked and acted odd.  Another miner was called Satan - because of his looks.  (Imagine being in a remote heading in a mine when the tannoy called for Satan to turn up...)  There was another called Will Jingle Jangle because he was always shaking coins in his pocket, and another called Yunker because he looked like a fledgling.

Ian Price, Cwmparc

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

350. Memorial Plaque Series (69) - Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

349. Letter to God (5)

-oOo-

348. At the Estate Agents

Young Lady (25):  Aaaaaaah.  How old is he?

Gustavo (38):  Eight months.

Young Lady:  But when was he born?

Gustavo:  Eight months ago, that's why he's eight months' old...

Gustavo's comment:  I hope she's not the one who works out the contracts...

(Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.)

-oOo-

347. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (27)

I was born in Llanhilleth in 1930 and remember several nicknames.  Thomas Thomas was Tommy Twice.  Any boy with the surname Evans was 'Yanto'.  The Local dairyman, like many other Davids, was Dai the Milk.  The local farmer who sdlivered the milk was Mr Price Maescynew - the name of his farm.

Walter Harris, Cwmbran

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

346. Memorial Plaque Series (68) - Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

345. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Expressions (1)

On seeing an unrecognised garment left behind -

"Whose coat is that jacket?"

-oOo-

344. On Musical Tastes

Scene:  Sophie (6) and Anna (4) accompany their mother to her monthly Lunch Club.  They’ve been warned to be on their best behaviour.  A discussion is taking place about favourite composers. In a lull a kindly lady turns to Sophie –

Lunch Club Lady (40):  So what sort of music do you like Sophie?

Sophie (6):  I like Shostakovich.

Anna (4):  (In high treble)  I like Mahler…… an’ I like Van Goff.

With thanks to Liz.

-oOo-

343. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (26)

As a child in Cwmgwrach, Wales, I knew many people by their nickname only.  Dai Buns, because he took buns in his lunch box every day.  Sammy Sampson, known as Sam Bandit for his gambling habit.  Tal Donk, because he owned a donkey, among others.

Harry Caswell, Dayton, Ohio.

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

342. Memorial Plaque Series (67) - Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

341. What we mean is what we don't say...(2)

We say:  With (great) respect...

We mean:  With no respect whatsoever, I know more than you.  Shut up and pay attention to what I'm about to say.

What it says about us:  We think we're inspiring respect by saying it, rather than just plain irritation...

-oOo-

340. Aunt Winnie

Scene:  Aged Aunt Winnie comes for tea.  She heaves herself gratefully into an armchair and greets the little girl standing in front of her.

Little girl (5):  Hello Auntie Willy.

Aunt Winnie (80):  Well hello – are you going to give me a kiss?

Little girl:  Auntie Willie you’ve got “whickers”.  (Gasp from mother in the background)

Auntie Winnie:  Yes my dear, and when you’re my age you’ll have “whickers” too.

-oOo-

339. Welsh Idiosyncrasies (25) - Nickname Series

When my nan died the undertaker was known as Dai the Box, and the local vicar was John the Book.  My grampy had friends named Dai Six Kids and Dai Crackers.  And my uncle was the milkman in Aberfan and was known as Will the Milk.

Claire - ex Merthyr

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

338. Memorial Plaque Series (66) - Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

337. Letter to God (4)

-oOo-

336. How to be posh

Scene:  In a wine bar.

Smart & worldly young woman to blind date (18):  What will you be having for lunch?  I rather fancy the paté...

Aspiring young man on first date ever (19):  I'll have a qwitch.

-oOo-

335. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (24)

When I lived in Pontypridd our street was full of Davids, myself included.  Our next-door neighbour, who was also a David, became Dai Next Door, and the name stuck.

David Towell, Melbourne, Australia

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

334. Memorial Plaque Series (64). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-