We're coming back from the nightclub at about midnight, obviously p*ssed, and suddenly my brother clutches his chest and doubles over. "What's the matter?" I says. He doesn't answer, just looks funny, like. "Come on" I says, "what's up?" His face is all screwed up and he gasps "it really, really hurts". I'm getting really worried now, looking for my mobile phone, going to dial 999. He's falling on the pavement, his knees drawn up, still clutching his chest, and I'm swearing at the phone because I had switched it off in the club and now it's taking forever to come back on. "Hang on in there bro", I tells him, "I'm getting an ambulance".
Then suddenly out of nowhere I hear this massive long fart, with so many notes to it I thought it was God Save the Queen. Now it's me that's gasping for air - he just jumps up right as rain and says "That's better. Quick, here comes the bus." Just like that.
Lucky I hadn't got through to the emergency services - how do you tell them you've changed your mind cos it was just a fart?
(With thanks to Nick, the would-be 999 dialler)
-oOo-
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