712. What we mean is what we don't say (70)

We say:  Can I borrow your pen for a minute?

We mean:  It won't be for a minute, and it's no longer yours...

What it says about us:  I may walk off with it by mistake because I don't lend my pens to anybody.

-oOo-

711. Celebrity Quotes (8)

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

- W C Fields

-oOo-

710. Morning routines

Wife (32):  This morning you put the boy's trousers and gym shoes on back to front and the wrong way round - did you realise?

Gustavo (39):  Are you sure it wasn't him standing the wrong way round?

(Gustavo's comment:  For goodness sake I get up at 7.30, but I don't wake up till at least 11 a.m....)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

709. When animals have something to say (19)

-oOo-

708. Comebacks (1)

Hey, I may be fat, but you'll always be ugly, and I can diet.

-oOo-

707. What we mean is what we don't say (69)

We say:  For my sins...

We mean:  What I do is frightfully important, but I want you to see how modest I am.

What it says about us:  Sin had nothing to do with, I deserve it.

-oOo-

706. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (82)

My grandfather who worked at Navigation colliery, Crumlin, was known as Billo Top Note for his singing (in)ability.  At other times he was Kettlehead because of the way his bald head would steam in cold weather when he removed his cap.  I also have an uncle who was nicknamed Cabbage - I presume after his naivety or 'greenness' at some point in his life.

Alun Parker, Magor

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

705. Hotel Story

Recommendation:  If you have been allocated a room in a hotel on the 9th floor, and returning from dinner with bursting bladder you remember that you left your magnetic card - the one that unlocks your door - inside the room itself, going down nine floors to explain the situation and coming back up again in this condition is not a very satisfactory state of affairs.

(Gustavo's comment:  I didn't follow my own advice)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

704. Memorable Signs (19)

-oOo-

703. Put downs (5)

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

- Anon

-oOo-

702. What we mean is what we don't say... (68)

We say:  Have you heard of the new grapefruit diet?  I hear it's very good.

We mean:  God Almighty, have you been using a bicycle pump on yourself or what?

What it says about us:  As a slim person myself, I thought you should know - I'm sure you don't want to look ugly...

-oOo-

701. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (15)

Q:  Will I be able to speak English most places I go?  (USA)

A:  Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

-oOo-

700. The Hoody Kid

Gustavo (39):  Yes, look, if I put this hood on I look like a young hoody thief.

Daughter (12):  Hoody thief maybe, but not young...

(Gustavo's comment:  Cute, very cute)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

699. When Animals have something to say... (18)

-oOo-

698. It's raining, it's pouring, the old man's snoring...

Office Worker 1 (40’s, female):  It’s St Swithin’s Day today, 15^th July, and it’s raining – that means we’re going to have rain for another forty days...

Office Worker 2 (50’s, female):  What a load of rubbish that saying is – it’s just an urban myth.  How can you believe such an arbitrary piece of information?  How could it rain for 40 days just because it rained on a nominated day?

Office Worker 1:  Well I believe it, I’ve seen it happen and...

Office Worker 2:  (Interrupting) Anyway if you want rain or a change of weather, it’s best to go to the Christian calendar.  Where I come from there’s San Isidro, the patron saint of agriculture. He regulates the rain, so if you want the rain to stop you should pray to him.

Office Worker 1:  Oh, OK then.

With thanks to Nick

-oOo-

697. What we mean is what we don't say (67)

What we say:  You've lost weight, haven't you?

What we mean:  Not sure, best be on the safe side...

What is says about us:  I want to be liked.

-oOo-

696. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (81)

1.  Dai-Central-Eating had one tooth in the centre of his mouth (Glyneath);

2.  Will Cacs and Dai Cacs were two sewerage workers (Hirwaun);

3.  Dai-Brew - his father worked in the Brewery (Penywaun);

4.  Dai-Dust was N.C.B. Dust Inspector;

5.  Dai-Short-Tape worked in Duffryn Colliery and mis-measured an important piece of steel;

6.  Tommy-Up-and-Down worked on the open cast because he was always up and down in the driving seat of the 'navy' to see if the muck as building up in the machine.

Rees Mansel, Penywaun, Aberdare.

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

695. No Wii?

Wife (32):  Did you see the link I put in Facebook?

Gustavo (39):  Yes, I commented, remember?

Wife:  It didn't reach me.

Gustavo:  I actually said it to you a while ago when we were in the supermarket...

Wife:  Ahhhh - it didn't reach me anyway.

(Gustavo's comment:  There's no signal in the supermarket)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

694. Memorable Signs (18)

-oOo-

693. Put downs (4)

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

-oOo-

692. What we mean is what we don't say (66)

What we say:  You're kidding!!!

What we mean:  You'll be more likely to respond to me if I widen my eyes and over-react, that way you feel more interesting.

What it says about us:  I want to be liked...

-oOo- 

691. Put Downs (3)

I hear you were born on April 2nd - a day too late.

-oOo-

690. Gustavo at work, Buenos Aires

Work Colleague (28):  Your new haircut has totally changed your face - I saw you from behind and I didn't recognise you.

Gustavo (39):  Whatever... but my face is always on my front side, OK?

(Gustavo's comment:  my new haircut is a cross between My Little Pony and Ricky Martin... yeah, it's not all that macho, shall we say...)



Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

689. When Animals have something to say... (17)

-oOo-

(PS Wish I'd taken this picture - isn't it gorgeous?)

688. Celebrity Quotes (7)

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

-  President Harry S Truman

-oOo-

687. What we mean is what we don't say... (65)

What we say:  I don't believe it!

What we mean:  I'm merely slightly surprised, but if I told her that, the conversation would become less exciting.

What it says about us:  I'll believe anything, but the point of the exercise is to get more gossip out of her...

-oOo-

686. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (80)

I used to work with a man in Resolven called Rhys-Twice because his name was Rhys Reese.

John Price from Rotherham

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

685. Overheard on the train

Sincere young woman (33):  I really don't know why he puts up with me - because I can't cook, I take all our washing to the laundromat and I'm always in a bad mood... but he's lovely and I look after him...

(Gustavo's first comment - perhaps she looks after him like Kathy Bates as Annie Wilkes did in the film Misery, so he won't escape?)

(Gustavo's second comment - and she wasn't pretty or even had big knockers...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

684. Memorable Signs (17)

-oOo-

683. Put Downs (2)

Why don't you just open your mind and shut your mouth - both are empty anyway.

-oOo-

682. What we mean is what we don't say... (64)

What we say:  I was speechless...

What we mean:  I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and I kept telling him so.

What it says about us:  I wasn't speechless.

-oOo-

681. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (14)

Q:  Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?  (France)

A:  Only at Christmas.

-oOo-

680. Celebrity Quotes (6)

She is as wholesome as a bowl of cornflakes, and at least as sexy.

- Dwight McDonald on Doris Day

-oOo-

679. When Animals have something to say... (16)

-oOo-

678. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (80)

After World War II there was a window cleaner named Samuel-"Shammy"-Davies.  After his son was demobbed from the army, he joined the business and was known as Shammy-Davies-Junior.

Keith Richards of Blackwood.

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

677. What we mean is what we don't say... (63)

What we say:  My wedding day will be the happiest day of my life!

What we mean:  It will be the most innocently happy day of my life.

What it says about us:  I believe in fairies, fidelity and happy-ever-after, so don't spoil it.

-oOo-

676. Labour saving devices - champagne on ice

-oOo-

675. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (79)

In Merthyr Vale colliery we had a good guy whose name escapes me now but we called him Domestos 'cos he was very strong and very thick.


Phillip, Merthyr Tydfil

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

674. Memorable Signs (16)

-oOo-

673. Put downs (1)

Well-wishers?  Sure he has a lot of well-wishers - it's because they want to throw him down one.

-oOo-

672. What we mean is what we don't say... (62)

What we say:  Get real!

What we mean:  I feel impatient that you should be so unrealistic. 

What is says about us: ...but I'm envious that you're obviously a person with imagination and ideals.

-oOo-

671. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (13)

Q:  I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A:  Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

-oOo-

670. Conversation with a daughter on Father's Day

Gustavo (39):  You're grandmother's in Brazil.

Daughter (12):  Which one?

Gustavo:  The one to whom you just said hello.  She had a catapult on the roof, and when you left the room she catapulted herself to Brazil and has just arrived....

Daughter:  Oh yes, of course, the other one...

(Gustavo's comment:  and happy Father's Day to me)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

669. When Animals have something to say... (15)

-oOo-

668. Arabella The Persecuted

Scene:  Arabella, a lady of a gentle and placid disposition, is driving down a one-lane main road and sees a set of traffic lights ahead turning to amber.  She thinks she has enough time to slip through, then at the last minute knows she is mistaken, and applies the break a little sharply, causing the car behind to do likewise and giving the driver a bit of a fright.  He sits on the horn in annoyance, which Arabella ignores. 

They then approach a roundabout, where with a roar of his engine he tries to overtake her but Arabella just manages to hog the middle of the road which stops him from doing so.  At the next set of traffic lights – red - she brakes gradually on approach, but hasn’t noticed that the road is now slightly uphill.  She takes her foot off the break, and before the lights have a chance to turn to green, her car rolls back into the car behind with a gentle crunch.  Arabella brakes, and – belatedly – applies the handbrake.  The driver of the car behind is apoplectic.

He leaps out of his car as Arabella prudently closes the window and locks herself in, and for some seconds screams at her, shakes his fist, and in his frustration kicks her front tyre.  At this precise moment, an off-duty policeman is passing on the opposite side of the road and sees a man screaming at a woman driver, who looks very alarmed and helpless.  He switches on his siren and does a U-turn in the road, landing up in front of her car.  He gets out of his car and goes over to Arabella.

Policeman:  Madam, is this man bothering you?

Arabella:  Oh sergeant I’m so glad you happened to come by.  This man is mad....

Driver:  (Trying to control his temper).  Bloody woman, look what she’s done to my car...

Arabella:  Oh that’s so unfair.  He’s been chasing me down the road, and I stopped for the red light and he just went into the back of me, and I didn’t know WHAT to do.....

Policeman:  Just leave this to me madam.

No damage has been done to her car, fortunately, and after taking her particulars, he sends her on her way.  The last thing she sees in her rear view mirror as she drives away is the driver this time furiously kicking the tyres on his own car.

(With thanks to John, who remembered this incident from the seventies.)

-oOo-

667. What we mean is what we don't say... (61)

What we say:  Get a life...

What we mean:  By my standards, what you're doing is nerdy/geeky.  I don't approve.

What is says about us:  We have different values, but mine clearly are better.

-oOo-

666. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (78)

Glyn-Fold-Arms, a miner at Mardy, who helped out at his brother in law's funeral business.

Mike, Saudi Arabia

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

665. Football discussion

Daughter (12):  I never understood what the defenders do.  Are those the ones that are near the goal or who score the goals?

Gustavo (39):  The defenders defend, so that no one gets past them to score a goal.

Daughter:  Aaaah, I suppose they're defending the ball...

(Gustavo's comment:  why has she become interested in football now, why doesn't it happen in four or five* years' time when she could torture her boyfriend instead?)

(* just wishful thinking about the five years, please don't bring me back to earth with a thump...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

664. Memorable Signs (15)

-oOo-

663. Arabella The Good Samaritan

Scene:  Arabella accompanied by her son Matthew aged 8 are cruising slowly around a multi-storey carpark while Arabella looks for somewhere to park.  She sees a space and slowly drives slightly passed it, breaks and gets into reverse, ready to back into the space.  She looks in her rear view mirror in time to see a car behind her quickly nip forwards into her space in one manoeuvre, and briskly exit from his car and walk away, waving his keys and smiling smugly, as Arabella watches in fury.  She eventually finds another spot..

Matthew:  Mummy, why are we walking that way?  We have to go the other way.

Arabella:  This won’t take a minute darling, I just need to look at that gentleman’s car a minute.

Matthew:  Mummy what are you doing to the man’s car?

Arabella:  I noticed he had too much air in his tyres darling, so I’m just letting some out for him.

(With thanks to John, who remembered this incident from the seventies)

-oOo-