994. Memorable Signs (48)

-oOo-

993. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (20)

"We had to queue outside with no air-conditioning."

-oOo-

992. - or are they midget horses?

-oOo-

991. Celebrity Quotes (37)

I am ready to meet my Maker.  Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

-  Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

-oOo-

990. Grumpy Old Quotes (24)

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

Rodney Dangerfield

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

989. Octopus?

988. Quick Quips (6)

It may be the early bird that catches the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese...

-oOo-

987. Kulula Airlines (23)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.  Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Kulula Airlines."

-oOo-

986. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (109)

Two Malcolm Joneses live in the same road, the inevitable Malcom-Top-House and Malcolm-Bottom-House is how they are known.  Another chap here who is about five foot tall is known as Little-Legs.

G, Newbridge

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

985. Passwords

-oOo-

984. Memorable Signs (47)

-oOo-

983. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (19)

"There are too many Spanish people.  The receptionist speaks Spanish.  The food is Spanish.  Too many foreigners."

-oOo-

982. Self-service at my place...

-oOo-

981. Celebrity Quotes (36)

The difference between "involvement" and "commitment" is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast:  the chicken was "involved", the pig was "committed".

- unknown

-oOo-

980. Grumpy Old Quotes (23)

My secret for staying young is good food, plenty of rest, and a make-up man with a spray gun.

Bob Hope

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

979. Answers to Hecklers (24)

Heckler:  "I met you at medical school."

Frank Skinner:  "Ah yes... you were the one in the jar."

-oOo-

978. Quick Quips (5)

Drink till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.

-oOo-

977. Kulula Airlines (22)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face.  If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.  If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

-oOo-

976. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (108)

...He was called Tommy-Chocolate, because he loved himself so much that had he been chocolate he would have eaten himself...

David Williams, Newport

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

975. Pardon?

-oOo-

974. Memorable Signs (46)

-oOo-

973. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (18)

"The brochure stated:  'No hairdressers at the accomodation'.  We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying here?"

-oOo-

972. Computer Advice

If you're going to switch off your computer after spending three hours updating the design of your highly complex (read fiddly) Access 2007 tables, it is advisable to save your work first.

Note:  I didn't follow my own advice.

This is my own (bitter) entry, but the format follows one used by Gustavo on Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, for which I thank him...

-oOo-

971. Celebrity Quotes (35)

Don't stay in bed unless you can make money in bed.

- George Burns (1896-1996)

-oOo-

970. Grumpy Old Quotes (22)

I'm not ageing, I just need re-potting.

Anon

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

969. Answers to Hecklers (23)

Harry Hill:  "You might heckle me now, but when I get home I've got a chicken in the oven."

-oOo-

968. Quick Quips (4)

My parents used to like telling this one, and just laughed when we asked them to explain...

Q:  Why did the cat the mouse?

A:  Because the higher the fewer.

-oOo-

967. Kulula Airlines (21)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth.  To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight.  It works just like every other seat belt; and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

-oOo-

966. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (107)

My grandfather's cousin married a baker and the family became known as the Bara Heddi's ("bread today").  I have also heard about Wil-Slack-Wire, and Wil-Slurry who used to work on the roads in the Garw before tarmac was in use.

C T  Davies, ex Bridgend

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

965. Weakest Link put downs (7)

Who's the gargoyle?  Who's a flying buttress short of a cathedral?

-oOo-

964. Memorable Signs (45)

(Click to enlarge so you can read the sign)

-oOo-

963. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (17)

"I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."

-oOo-

962. What we mean is what we don't say... (97)

We say:   I'm not comfortable with this situation.

We mean:   I'm so embarrassed by it in fact, that I'm going to have to refer to it in euphemisms.

What it says about us: If you think I'm going to call a spade a bloody shovel, you've got another think coming.

-oOo-

961. Celebrity Quotes (34)

A lie gets half way round the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

-oOo-

960. Grumpy Old Quotes (21)

When gardening, I have one gift you won't find in any manuals.  I know it's strange, but I can change perennials to annuals.

Dick Emmons

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

959. Answers to Hecklers (22)

Jo Brand:  "Where's your girlfriend?  Outside grazing, I presume."

-oOo-

958. Quick Quips (3)

Q:  Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

A:   They’re trying to get away from the noise.

-oOo-

957. Kulula Airlines (20)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because after landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

-oOo-

956. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (106)

When I was young we lived in a street that had two women called Shirley.  To distinguish which Shirley my mother was talking about, one was called Dirty Shirley and the other Clean Shirley.  We also nicknamed the local shopkeeper Skanky John because of the rip-off goods and out of date items he would try to sell us...  Fond memories...

Andrea, Newport

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

955. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (23)

Whose doughnut is out of jam?

-oOo-

954. Memorable Signs (44)

-oOo-

953. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (16)

"It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England and it only took the Americans three hours to get home."

-oOo-

952. What we mean is what we don't say...(96)

We say:  My, you're looking well!

We mean:  Whoa!  You've put on weight!

What it says about us: I'm not being catty, I'm just reverting to a 'collective unconscious' legacy - in the middle ages it meant you were looking prosperous.  Really.

-oOo-

951. Celebrity Quotes (33)

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

- Saint Augustine (354-430)

-oOo-

950. Grumpy Old Quotes (20)

With 60 staring me in the face, I have developed inflammation of the sentence structure and a definite hardening of the paragraphs.

James Thurber

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

949. Answers to Hecklers (21)

Jack Dee:  "Well, it's a night out for him... and a night off for his family."

-oOo-

948. Comebacks (15)

Man:  So, what do you do for a living?

Woman:  I'm a Female Impersonator.

-oOo-

947. Kulula Airlines (19)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:  "Whoa, big fella.  WHOA!"

-oOo-

946. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (105)

We were called Jones-Lampost because of other Joneses in the street - we were by the lampost.  In out village we had a Mrs-Knocker-Back-and-Front - I wonder why?  Across the valley there was another Jones called Jones-Bread-and-Butter - guess why?

J.R. New Tredegar

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

945. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (22)

Who's a banana short of a bunch?

-oOo-