675. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (79)

In Merthyr Vale colliery we had a good guy whose name escapes me now but we called him Domestos 'cos he was very strong and very thick.


Phillip, Merthyr Tydfil

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

674. Memorable Signs (16)

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673. Put downs (1)

Well-wishers?  Sure he has a lot of well-wishers - it's because they want to throw him down one.

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672. What we mean is what we don't say... (62)

What we say:  Get real!

What we mean:  I feel impatient that you should be so unrealistic. 

What is says about us: ...but I'm envious that you're obviously a person with imagination and ideals.

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671. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (13)

Q:  I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.  Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A:  Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

-oOo-

670. Conversation with a daughter on Father's Day

Gustavo (39):  You're grandmother's in Brazil.

Daughter (12):  Which one?

Gustavo:  The one to whom you just said hello.  She had a catapult on the roof, and when you left the room she catapulted herself to Brazil and has just arrived....

Daughter:  Oh yes, of course, the other one...

(Gustavo's comment:  and happy Father's Day to me)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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669. When Animals have something to say... (15)

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668. Arabella The Persecuted

Scene:  Arabella, a lady of a gentle and placid disposition, is driving down a one-lane main road and sees a set of traffic lights ahead turning to amber.  She thinks she has enough time to slip through, then at the last minute knows she is mistaken, and applies the break a little sharply, causing the car behind to do likewise and giving the driver a bit of a fright.  He sits on the horn in annoyance, which Arabella ignores. 

They then approach a roundabout, where with a roar of his engine he tries to overtake her but Arabella just manages to hog the middle of the road which stops him from doing so.  At the next set of traffic lights – red - she brakes gradually on approach, but hasn’t noticed that the road is now slightly uphill.  She takes her foot off the break, and before the lights have a chance to turn to green, her car rolls back into the car behind with a gentle crunch.  Arabella brakes, and – belatedly – applies the handbrake.  The driver of the car behind is apoplectic.

He leaps out of his car as Arabella prudently closes the window and locks herself in, and for some seconds screams at her, shakes his fist, and in his frustration kicks her front tyre.  At this precise moment, an off-duty policeman is passing on the opposite side of the road and sees a man screaming at a woman driver, who looks very alarmed and helpless.  He switches on his siren and does a U-turn in the road, landing up in front of her car.  He gets out of his car and goes over to Arabella.

Policeman:  Madam, is this man bothering you?

Arabella:  Oh sergeant I’m so glad you happened to come by.  This man is mad....

Driver:  (Trying to control his temper).  Bloody woman, look what she’s done to my car...

Arabella:  Oh that’s so unfair.  He’s been chasing me down the road, and I stopped for the red light and he just went into the back of me, and I didn’t know WHAT to do.....

Policeman:  Just leave this to me madam.

No damage has been done to her car, fortunately, and after taking her particulars, he sends her on her way.  The last thing she sees in her rear view mirror as she drives away is the driver this time furiously kicking the tyres on his own car.

(With thanks to John, who remembered this incident from the seventies.)

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667. What we mean is what we don't say... (61)

What we say:  Get a life...

What we mean:  By my standards, what you're doing is nerdy/geeky.  I don't approve.

What is says about us:  We have different values, but mine clearly are better.

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666. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (78)

Glyn-Fold-Arms, a miner at Mardy, who helped out at his brother in law's funeral business.

Mike, Saudi Arabia

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www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

665. Football discussion

Daughter (12):  I never understood what the defenders do.  Are those the ones that are near the goal or who score the goals?

Gustavo (39):  The defenders defend, so that no one gets past them to score a goal.

Daughter:  Aaaah, I suppose they're defending the ball...

(Gustavo's comment:  why has she become interested in football now, why doesn't it happen in four or five* years' time when she could torture her boyfriend instead?)

(* just wishful thinking about the five years, please don't bring me back to earth with a thump...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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664. Memorable Signs (15)

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663. Arabella The Good Samaritan

Scene:  Arabella accompanied by her son Matthew aged 8 are cruising slowly around a multi-storey carpark while Arabella looks for somewhere to park.  She sees a space and slowly drives slightly passed it, breaks and gets into reverse, ready to back into the space.  She looks in her rear view mirror in time to see a car behind her quickly nip forwards into her space in one manoeuvre, and briskly exit from his car and walk away, waving his keys and smiling smugly, as Arabella watches in fury.  She eventually finds another spot..

Matthew:  Mummy, why are we walking that way?  We have to go the other way.

Arabella:  This won’t take a minute darling, I just need to look at that gentleman’s car a minute.

Matthew:  Mummy what are you doing to the man’s car?

Arabella:  I noticed he had too much air in his tyres darling, so I’m just letting some out for him.

(With thanks to John, who remembered this incident from the seventies)

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662. What we mean is what we don't say... (60)

What we say:  I'm having to prioritise.

What we mean:  I'm not going to tackle first the work you've just dumped on me, so live with it.

What it says about us:  And if you make me, I'll make your life a misery.

-oOo-

661. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (12)

Q:  I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name.  It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A:  It's called a Drop Bear.  They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.  You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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660. On the underground/subway

One side of a mobile conversation overheard:

Young woman (30): 

No, no, no, I told you seven times, SEVEN TIMES, that you have to collect her from kindergarden today...

No, no, no, you can't call me fifteen minutes beforehand and tell me you can't...

No, no, no, I told you seven times, seven.  Now I'm at the doctor's surgery, I can't....

(Noise in the background of underground train, line B:  tooooooooooot toooooooooot!!)

What toot?  I don't know what you're talking about.

Will you NOT change the subject.  Take responsibility for once in your life and do what you promised.  I'm not going to lose my doctor's appointment.

(Another toot from the train)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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659. When Animals have something to say... (14)

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658. Celebrity Quotes (5)

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.
- Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono

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657. What we mean is what we don't say... (59)

What we say:  Do you love me?

What we mean:  How you look when you say "OF COURSE I DO!"  will tell me whether you're a lying bastard or not.

What is says about us:  I feel you don't sometimes, but I don't want to know.  Just keep saying you do and look as if you mean it...

-oOo-

656. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (77)

In Markham they used to have a lovely gentleman called Dai Bags due to the fact that he collected all the sick and elderly's prescriptions in the village.

Sarah Vaughan, Markham

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www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

655. With friends like this who needs enemies...

Young woman (30):  I don't know what it is about Ceci, she complicates everything.  He's either too short or too tall, he works too hard or he doesn't work enough, he's unattractive...  her relationships never last.  It's not as if she's Miss Universe herself... she's five years older than I am, and if you're forty and single, you've had it...

Young man (25):  Just as well she's your buddy then.

Young woman:  She may be my buddy, but one has to be realistic.

(Gustavo's comment:  As my granny Aititi would say, I'm not mean, I'm just a realist.)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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654. Memorable Signs (14)

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653. At Southmead Hospital, Bristol

Overheard, as a couple in their seventies using walking sticks walk slowly and breathlessly down the long and endless hospital corridors:

Grumpy old lady:  If you're not an old age pensioner when you get here, you certainly are by the time you get to where you want to go in this place...

-oOo-

652. What we mean is what we don't say... (58)

What we say:  How do I look?

What we mean:  Don't think about it - just say "wonderful".

What it says about us:  Why do you need prompting to make me feel good about myself?

-oOo-

651. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (11)

Q:  Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A:  Rattlesnakes live in A-me-ri-ca, which is where YOU come from.  All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.

-oOo-

650. Is your PC not very PC?

Gustavo works in IT.  A colleague of Gustavo's has just given him a lecture against technology and in favour of the old traditional methods of communication.

Work Colleague (55):  ....oh and by the way, after you fiddled with my PC all my Contacts disappeared.

Gustavo (39):  Why do you want your Contacts in Outlook?  One's real contacts are carried here, in one's heart.  The rest is superficial...

Work Colleague:  You've got me.  Give me a litre of parafin and a match and I'll set fire to the PC.  Sorted.

(Gustavo's comment:  his Contacts hadn't disappeared anyway)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

649. When Animals have something to say... (13)

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648. Celebrity Quotes (4)

Tom Shade on Robin Williams:

A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein, but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.

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647. What we mean is what we don't say... (57)

What we say:  LOL, ROFL, OMG, WTF, etc

What we mean:  Texting abbreviations sure is useful.  They save one an awful lot of time when typing comments in blogs, e-mails, Tweeting and Facebook...

What it says about us: ... which I will use instead of real English.  It will enable me to send more texts, more tweets and make more comments on Facebook.  E-mail is old hat really - you have to write too much.

-oOo-

646. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (76)

Over fifty years I worked at the Albion Colliery, Cilfynydd.  Here are a few nicknames:

1.  Dai-Sweat - always running with perspiration;

2.  Ronnie-Braces-Hopkins - he always wore his braces over his vest.  It was said his wife told him always to keep his braces on;

3.  Billy-the-Bandit.  He was always after extra yardage;

4.  Evan Williams was known as Yanto-Preacher as he was a lay preacher and an elder at the local church;

5.  Dai-Book-and-Pencil.  He was a steel checker on the face and was always counting the steel posts to make sure none were lost in the gob;

6.  Maldwyn-the-Hooker.  He played for Wales after the war, so his name stuck;

It was always said that there was more coal shifted in the Cilfynydd Inn than in the Albion Colliery across the road...

Don Williams of Pontypridd

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

645. In the underground (subway), Buenos Aires

(On a non-mechanical escalator)

Lady (40):  Excuse me, does this escalator go down?

Gustavo (39):  It depends - if you're at the bottom it goes up...

Lady:  (???)

Gustavo:  Yes, yes, it goes down.

Lady:  Aaaahh

(Gustavo's comment:  I must write one hundred times "I must not give stupid answers to people who don't know me.  I must not....")

(Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.)

-oOo-

644. Memorable Signs (13)

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643. Cat Dictionary Series (35)

Woman:  Come here Rustykins, I need to give you your insulin injection, there's a good boy.  Would you like a bowl of milk so you don't notice I'm jabbing you?   Mmmm, nice milk, here it is.  Jump up on the stool to have it, so I can reach you better...

Rusty:  (eyeing the needle but gazing longingly at the bowl on the stool)  Don't you get near me with that needle, you awful woman.  I know your sadistic games.  I'll just check that really IS milk.   Mmm, well go on then, if you're quick...

-oOo-

642. What we mean is what we don't say... (56)

We Say:  My Nigerian grandfather left me a million pounds and I want to share it with you.

We mean:  You're going to give me a million pounds and I won't share it with anybody.

What it says about us:  I work hard for a living, sitting at this computer.  Hello - anybody out there??

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641. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (10)

Q:  Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?  (Germany)

A:  No, we are a peaceful civilization of began hunter-gatherers.  Milk is illegal.

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640. Overheard in the street (by Gustavo)

Man (50):  No, it's my wife who buys all the presents.  I get to hear about it next month when the credit card statement arrives.

(Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.)

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639. When Animals have something to say... (12)

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638. Insults from the Past (22)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it."  - Groucho Marx

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637. What we mean is what we don't say (55)

We say:  I'm e-mailing you to tell you about Cialis, which will keep you harder for longer!

We mean:  Blanket coverage because if you're not a man then you know one, 'cos they're born every minute.

What is says about us:  Even if only 1% of the suckers out there falls for it, I'm still in the money.  Woo Hoo!!

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636. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (75)

1.  Bob-Up-and-Down - had one leg shorter than the other;

2.  Justin and Ashley Trout - their dad caught the record brown trout in the area;

3.  Tombstone-Pete - had large grey teeth;

4.  My grandfather, Dai-the-Ton was landlord of the Tonglwydfawr Inn, Cwmdare.

Rich Lambert from North London (originally Aberdare)

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

635. Troubles with Granny Aititi aged 81

Gustavo (38):  So are you still climbing on the table to clean the ceiling fan?

Aititi (81) :  (Indignantly)  No of course not.  These days I climb on the chair and have a go at it with the feather duster.

(Gustavo's comment:  Aititi is brilliant... with her new hip and the same bad habits... if the end of the world was nigh nobody need worry, she'd survive and clean everything.)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

634. Memorable Signs (12)

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633. Insults from the Past (21)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

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632. What we mean is what we don't say (54)

We say:  I'm e-mailing you to ask you whether you want a longer penis?

We mean:  Blanket coverage because if you're not a man then you know one, 'cos they're born every minute.

What is says about us:  Even if only 1% of the suckers out there falls for it, I'm still in the money.  Woo Hoo!!

-oOo-

631. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (9)

Q:  Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A:  You are a British politician, right?

-oOo-

630. (Celebrity?) Quotes (3)

"He has the face of a saint - a Saint Bernard." - Unknown

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629. When Animals have something to say... (11)

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628. Insults from the Past (20)

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-post... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

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627. What we mean is what we don't say (53)

We say:  I'm e-mailing you to tell you that I'm a beautiful Russian girl wanting to have a relationship with you...

We mean:  You and several million others.  Blanket coverage because if you're not a man then you know one, 'cos they're born every minute.
.

What is says about us:  Even if only 1% of the suckers out there falls for it, I'm still in the money.  Woo Hoo!!

-oOo-

626. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (74)

A senior member of our community who walked with alternately raised knees and placing one foor directly in front of the other was knows as Hecky-go-Kick.

Mal George, Gwaelodygarth

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm