464. Exam Papers (18 of 25)

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463. Nature Lesson

Internet picture

Infant school teacher (female, 30ish):  Now children, what do you call this little creature?

Hands shoot up.  Me miss!  Me miss!

Little boy selected to give the answer (6):  It’s a pillow cat miss.

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462. What we mean is what we don't say... (20)

We Say:  It won't show...

We Mean:  Why such a fuss over that paint smear/crack in the wall/stain on the carpet/scratch on the polished wood?  Stick something in front of it/over it and stop making a fuss.

What it says about us:  What am I - a painter/builder/carpet cleaner/french polisher?

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461. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (49)

My grandmother had a neighbour known as Maggie Small Coals because of her dark eyes, and a man that was a little swishy was known as Dai Handbag (or more properly "Dai 'ambag").  There was also Vern Buses (drove a bus when young) who later became Vern Boring.

Victoria, in Washington DC, USA

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www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

460. The Logic of children...

Scene:  In the fifties, before childcare became what it is today.  Child is being fractious and disobedient, and young parent is reaching the end of his tether.

Father (28):  I'm warning you... what'll happen if I take off my belt?

Child (6):  Your pants will fall down Daddy...

(Plans of discipline collapse in disarray as father cannot keep a straight face)
.

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459. Exam Papers (17 of 25)

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458. True Stories told by an airport ticket agent (12 of 12)

A New Jersey congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations.  "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York."



I was at a loss for words.  Finally I said "Are you sure that's the name of the town?"

"Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with "I'm sorry sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Rhino anywhere."

The man retorted "Oh don't be silly!  Everyone knows where it is.  Check your map!"

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered - "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?"

The reply:  "Whatever!  I knew it was a big animal."

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457. What we mean is what we don't say... (19)

We say:  (in voice as if announcing a national disaster) There's no butter!

We mean:  I've opened the fridge and looked, and it's not there.

What is says about us:  You never said it could be behind anything.  What am I - a mind reader??

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456. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (48)

I worked in the coal mines with a man called Robert who had a pronounced limp, and they called him Bob-up-and-down.

Hugh Edghill, Resolven

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www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

455. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Joke series (6)

Cardiff strip club owner:   Aaron the G String.

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454. Exam Papers (16 of 25)

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453. True Stories told by an airport ticket agent. (11 of 12)

Mary Landrieu, LA Senator, called and had a question about the documents needed in order to fly to China.  After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa.  "Oh no I don't.  I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those."

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa.  When I told her this, she said "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express..."

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452. What we mean is what we don't say... (18)

We say:  (shouting)    I can't find the sugar!

We Mean:  It's not in its usual place, come and find it for me.

What is says about us:  It's not my fault that I can walk all over you.

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451. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (47)

I was reared in Aberbargoed - my Dad was a coal merchant and was known as Jack Jones the Coal.  An elderly lady in the village used to wear a neck choker, and she was Mrs Jones Black Velvet.  Jim Howells was from the Forest of Dean and because of the legend, was known as Jim the Bear, but not to his face.  The local ironmonger would say "Thank you" after every item you asked for, so he was known as Jones Thank You.  A local shopkeeper's brother had a limp, and he was dubbed Billy Jones 'Eck.

Barrie Jones, Pengam

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www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

450. Suddenly I've lost my appetite...

Karen:  Dad, fancy some chicken ding tonight?

Frank:  Sounds interesting - what's it got in it?

Karen:  Well, chicken.

Frank:  What's the ding then?

Karen:  The microwave does that.

Frank:  Aaaah.

With thanks to Karen

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449. Exam papers (15 of 25)

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448. True Stories told by an airport ticket agent (10 of 12)

Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida.  I have to get on one of those little computer planes?"

I asked if she meant Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

She said "Yeah, whatever, smarty..."

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447. What we mean is what we don't say... (17)

We say:  It's not you, it's me...

We Mean:  I'm pretending to spare your feelings, but actually I'm not brave enough to tell you the real reason why we're splitting up.

What it says about us:  I can't be bothered to analyse it anyway, and I don't want the hassle either.  Nor do I want you passing it on to your friends.

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446. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (46)

I remember trying to make a delivery in West Wales years ago.  The recipient was a David Davies (really narrows it down, eh?).  After much knocking on doors someone finally referred me to the house of Dai-the-Death.  The delivery turned out to be a box of shrouds.

Roy Lewis from Treherbert

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www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

445. Sign? Wot sign?

Man (57):  Hang on, hang on!  What are you doing?  I've been parking here for ten years and I've never been towed off...

(Gustavo's comment:  He's right.  For the last 10 years he's been parking under a "No Parking" sign and he's never had his car towed away before...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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444. Exam Papers (14 of 25)

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443. True Stories told by an air ticket agent. (9 of 12)

I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Alabama, who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

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442. What we mean is what we don't say (16)

We Say:  Actually I'm not altogether comfortable with what you're saying...

We Mean:  You're a disgusting, lying, ageist, racist, molesting, bullying, abusing, sexist son-of-a-bitch, but I'd be accused of discrimination if I said so.

What is says about us:  Restraint and understatement - that's the name of the game.  We're British after all.

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441. Welsh idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (45)

I worked for the old Red & White Bus Company, which in turn became National Welsh, and almost everyone had a nickname. Among them was

Dai Trousers, because his trousers always quarreled with his ankles;

Legs and Braces, quite tall and wearing the obvious;

Head and Shoulders, because he was of short stature, and that was all you could see of him when he was behind the wheel;

Dai S.R. nothing to do with toothpaste, but he had a penchant to "release wind"...

These are just but a few.
.

Clive Fisher, Aberdare

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www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

440. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - That place with the long name...

It is now many years since the last train stopped at the railway station with the longest name in Britain, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwll-Llantysilio-gogogoch, in Anglesey.

When a train stopped at the station the porter would cry out "Anybody in there for here?"

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(Compare with entry 281...)

http://www.welshjokes.com/jokes/welshisms

439. Exam Papers (13 of 25)

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438. True Stories told by an airport ticket agent (8 of 12)

A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii.  After going over all the cost info, she asked,  ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

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437. What we mean is what we don't say (15)

What we say:  I'm puzzled as to why you said that...

What we mean:  I'm not puzzled, I'm astonished at your rudeness, but at least one of us has to be civilised...

What it says about us:  Restraint and understatement - that's the name of the game.  We're British after all.

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436. In the supermarket

Mother (65):  This Supadog Meaty Chunks stuff is quite a well known brand, isn't it?

Daughter (39):  Yes but I don't know if he likes it.  Do you know?

Mother:  Don't know, haven't asked him, and if I do he doesn't answer...

(Gustavo's comment:  that's a negative thing to say - perhaps he answers and it's you who doesn't understand...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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435. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (44)

My mother, along with several other girls from the Kidwelly area moved to Birmingham during the war to work at the Castle Bromwich aircraft factory where they built Spitfires. As part of the training they had to have lessons in reading Vernier gauges and micrometers. The instructor, Mr Richards, soon became known as Decimal Dick.

On moving back to Kidwelly in 1980, my father wanted some manure to enrich the vegetable plot that had lain fallow for many years. He asked his mates in the Nelson (pub) who gave him the telephone number of a local stable owner. My mother told him to put it in the phone book. One day, when I was looking through the phone book I noticed the entry - Thomas the Shit.

Michael Prynn, Birmingham

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www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

434. True Stories told by an airport ticket agent (7 of 12)

A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?''  I said,  'No, why do you ask?'

He replied,  ''Well, when I checked in with the airline,  they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT),  and I'm overweight.  I think that's very rude.''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage...

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433. It pays you to keep your files...

Scene:  New employee being trained on a computer system.

Woman (58):  So, do I need to keep that file?

Woman doing takeover training (29):  It's up to you - you may want to retain it for prosperity.

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432. Exam Papers (12 of 25)

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431. What we mean is what we don't say (14)

We Say:  I think you'll find...

We Mean:  Just so you know I'm wiser than you...

What is says about us:  The fact that I need to point it out is a bit of a give-away, but I have an image I'm trying to keep up, so get over it.

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430. True stories told by an airport ticket agent (6 of 12)

An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week.  She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m.,  and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.  Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.
.

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429. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Normal Conversation (4)

Three Welshmen in a pub praising the beer.

First Welshman:  Best glass of beer I never tasted no better.

Second Welshman:  So did I neither.

Third Welshman:  Neither did I too.

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http://www.welshjokes.com/jokes/welshisms

428. Visit to the cinema

Rainy afternoon.  Children at cinema with father, queuing to get in.

Boy (10):  What’s the film about Daddy?

Girl (7):  (Loudly and clearly, before father has time to reply)  I want cockporn please Daddy.

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427. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (43)

An Oakdale/Celynen North deputy was called Roy Scarf because the men said he was always hanging around their necks.

Gareth from Oakdale

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

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426. True stories told by an airport ticket agent (5 of 12)

An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if she could rent a car in Dallas.  I pulled up the reservation and noticed she had only a one-hour layover in Dallas.  when I asked her why she wanted to rent a car, she said "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we'll need a car to drive between gates to save time."

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425. Exam Papers (11 of 25)

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424. What we mean is what we don't say... (13)

We say:  If I ever get like that, shoot me...

We mean:  If I ever get like that, remember this conversation but DON'T shoot me.  Admire me for the brain I once had.

What it says about us:  Please like me!

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423. Hailstones

Woman (47):  ... it was a terrible storm.  At home we were getting hailstones the size of 'goff' balls.

Daughter (19):  Golf Ma, golf.  There's an "l" in the middle.

Woman:  Yes yes, I know, I say it but I just don't pronounce it, that's all...

(Gustavo's comment:  reply is 100% mother)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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422. True stories told by an airport ticket agent (4 of 12)

I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked "Is it possible to see England from Canada?"

"No", I said.

She replied "but they're so close on the map..."

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421. Wish I hadn't said that... (1)

Scene

A young couple are in a department store, beds department, choosing their first double bed, and are enjoying going into every detail with the salesman.

Salesman (40s):  There's a drawer underneath, which opens out like so... (demonstrates).

Young man (21):  Is that on both sides?

Salesman:  No, on one side only.

Young girl (20):  Ooh I don't like the idea of it opening on my side, I could trip over it.  What side do I sleep on?  I've suddenly gone blank!

Young man:  (showing off)  Well, let's see... our bed faces south, so I'm on the east side and you're therefore on the wet side.  

Before he has time to correct himself, the salesman hurriedly intercepts, unwittingly compounding the error.

Salesman:  Would you like to try it?

(Overheard at John Lewis department store)

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420. Letter to God (11)

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419. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (42)

Dai Evans was one of a big extended family, and used to be known as Dai Two.  When he passed away the nickname was transferred to another family member named Dai, and when talking about him, people used henceforth to refer to him as Evans Above.

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418. True Stories told by an airport ticket agent (3 of 12)

A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did.  I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando.  He said he was expecting an ocean-view room.  I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!'' 

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417. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Normal Conversation (3)

First Welshman:  How are you, I hope?

Second Welshman:  Thank you, no doubt.

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http://www.welshjokes.com/jokes/welshisms

416. What we mean is what we don't say (12)

What we say:  "It stinks."

What we mean:  "I don't like it." 

This catch-all phrase stops me from having to think in proper English, but is suitably strong to convey my feisty image.  I'd be a whistleblower if I was brave enough...

What it says about us:  ...but I'm not, cos I'm all mouth.

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415. Letter to God (10)

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