67. At home with Gustavo and his family, Buenos Aires, Argentina

Wife (30):  Are you coughing again?

Son (7):  Yes, it’s when I put my socks on.

Wife (30):  When you bend over to put them on?

Son (7):  No, it’s my socks that make me cough.  When I put them on I cough.

(Gustavo’s comment:  It’s a rather straaange explanation…)

Loosely translated from Gustavo’s blog, Blugudeces de la Vida Cotidiana - with thanks.

-oOo-

66. Hospital Stories I, Bristol

Scene:  Two Consultant Urological Surgeons, looking for something to eat from an assortment of fruit in a bowl.

Surgeon 1 (62):  How about an apple?

Surgeon 2 (40):  Mmm – not sure about this one, it’s got a scrotal feel to it.

-oOo-

65. Word Wobble (11). School Essay, UK

The children were asked to write about a TV wildlife documentary they had seen recently.

“...Crabs and creatures like them all belong to a family of crushed Asians.”

-oOo-

64. Word Wobble (10). After Nativity Play rehearsal.

Granny (70):  So what happens after the Baby Jesus is born, what do you do next?

Grandson who has just learned to read (7):  At the end of the show we all sing Away in a Manager.

-oOo-

63. Word Wobble (9). After Church, Sunday.

Mother (20’s):  How was Sunday School?

Daughter (7):  OK.  But why do we have to say ‘old men’ at the end of prayers?  Do they mean grandpa?

.

-oOo-

62. Word Wobble (8). School Essay – somewhere...

“Sometimes in the war they take prisners and keep them as ostriges until the war is over.”

-oOo-

61. Word Wobble (7). School Essay, US

“The total is when you add up all the numbers and a remainder is an animal that pulls Santa Claus on his slay.”

-oOo-

60. Word Wobble (6). School Essay, UK

"In wartime children who lived in big cities had to be evaporated because it was safer in the country.”

-oOo-

59. Red Poppy Blues

Janet (60) to Poppy Appeal local organiser:  I’m quite pleased with my long list of volunteers for the Poppy Appeal, I’ll just go and run it off from my PC.
.

(Said just prior to switching it on and finding out that she had forgotten to save the file).

Janet (60):  Oh... well, I’ll just get the paper copy.

(Said just prior to remembering that, mindful of data protection issues, she had conscientiously shredded the lot after uploading it onto her PC.)
.

Janet (60):  (Expletive deleted.)

-oOo-

58. Wine Tasting Notes (4). Bristol, a Friday evening in October 2010

Visiting winegrower hosting the tasting (male, 50’s):  You’ll love this one, it’s a blend of cabernet sauvignon (or cab sav as we call it) and merlot.  Just smell that oaky vanilla and crushed raspberries – you feel it going to your head just from smelling the bouquet...  It’s difficult to explain how I feel about this one...

Wine taster (83), the alcohol clearly increasing the cynicism level in his blood:  

You’re in heaven?

Visiting winegrower... etc (smiling):  Well put, I feel in heaven.

Wine taster (83):  No, that’s not how I would spell it.

(Personally overheard by Lonicera...)

-oOo-

57. Wine Tasting Notes (3). Bristol, a Friday evening in October 2010

Woman, way past her bedtime (85+):  (On being offered a tray with a choice of the wines which had just been sampled to have with her baguette, selection of cheeses, chutneys, ripe figs, cherry tomatoes and other crudités, thoughtfully provided by the venue to complement the tasting) 

Glass of water please.

(Personally overheard by Lonicera...)

-oOo-

56. Wine Tasting Notes (2). Bristol, a Friday evening in October 2010

Wine taster, male – new to this type of malarkey (65): This one’s much too dry for me, I...

Visiting winegrower hosting the tasting (male, 50’s):  Really?  We find that it’s quite popular, and it goes very well with shellfish.  Perhaps if you were to serve it really chilled...

Wine taster (65):  No, I was just about to say that I wouldn’t waste it:   if it’s too dry, I just pop in a couple of saccharine pills.

Visiting winegrower... etc:  (Sound of spluttering into his glass.)

(Personally overheard by Lonicera...)

-oOo-

55. Wine Tasting Notes (1). Bristol, a Friday evening in October 2010

Visiting winegrower hosting the tasting (male, 50’s):  Just swirl your glass around a bit to let out the bouquet.  That’s it, now smell that lovely aroma of apple with overtones of vanilla.  Isn’t it refreshing?

Woman, way past her bedtime (85+):  (In clear, carrying voice) Apple?  Has this stuff got apple in it?

Visiting winegrower.. etc:  (slightly nonplussed) Oh No, it’s just a suggestion in the bouquet, a way of distinguishing it…

Woman (85+):  Yes well, I mean to say....

PS:  Personally overheard by Lonicera...to which I would also add that the venue’s (charming) cuckoo clock chose this exact moment to chime, and the cuckoo shuttled noisily in and out of its cubbyhole 8 times while this exchange was taking place.  There wasn’t a dry eye at the table that had witnessed both these events.

-oOo-

54. At home with the Beckhams

Scene:  A young couple, keen golfers, booked a room a year in advance of the 2010 Ryder Cup golf tournament which was being held at the Celtic Manor Hotel, Newport, Wales, in October 2010, as a special (very expensive) treat so they could enjoy the tournament and the five star accommodation.  These telephone calls took place shortly before the event.

Young couple (20’s):  ??!  No!!!  J J

(Reply given to the heavily booked Celtic Manor Hotel when the management asked them if they would give up their room for somebody who was offering them £1,000 ‘reward’ in addition to refunding them the price they had paid for the room.)

Young couple (20’s): ??! No!!

(Reply given to Celtic Manor Hotel half an hour later when the management upped the offer to £2,000)

Young couple (20’s):  No!  L

(Reply given to Celtic Manor Hotel half an hour later when the management upped the offer to £5,000)

Young couple (20’s):  No

(Reply given to Celtic Manor Hotel half an hour later when the management upped the offer to £10,000)

Young couple (20’s):  OK then J

(Reply given to Celtic Manor Hotel half an hour later when the management upped the offer to £56,000 after asking them how much they had left on their mortgage.)

PS:  They learned later that their room was in the middle of a suite of five which David and Victoria Beckham wished to reserve for themselves, and it was they who were making the offers.  The celebrity couple only required one room, but ‘needed’ the two rooms either side for ‘privacy’.  The young couple were able to pay off their mortgage.  Everybody happy.

(Note from Lonicera:  Sadly this story may be apocryphal; I have just discovered that there are other similar ones circulating on the internet...)

-oOo-

53. Cyber studies, Buenos Aires, Argentina

Man (61):  …I just don’t know – he studies on his computer all day… in the end one doesn’t really know what he’s studying or what work has been set for him by the teacher…

(Gustavo’s comment:  what he’s studying on his computer all day is Facebook I & II, Introduction to Twitter, and a masters in MSN…)

(Loosely translated from Gustavo’s blog, Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana – with thanks)

-oOo-

52. In the Office, Bristol

Conversation about a temp

Admin worker (female, late teens): 

That were poor work she did, couldn’t care less.  All lapsy-daisy.

-oOo-

51. Word Wobble (5). Bristol, 1960’s

Scene:  Child being coached in biblical quote from Genesis 3.11: “Who told thee that thou wast nakéd?”

Little girl (5) (proudly reciting to her parents):  Who told thee that thou wast knackered?

(With thanks to Eric)

-oOo-

50. Word Wobble (4). Bristol. Patient Conversation

Man (70):  ‘E were a wrong ‘un, a drug haddock, that one.

(With thanks to Sarah)

-oOo-

49. Word Wobble (3). Patient Conversation

At a weekly clinic for urology catheter patients, Bristol

First time patient (male, 75) (whispering to nurse):

You see, I’ve had a caffetière inserted…

(With thanks to Sarah)

-oOo-

48. Word Wobble (2). After school, on the road between Bristol and Bath

Mother (20’s):  … so … what happened at school today?

Son (5): (Pleased that he’s learned a new word)  In assembly the headmaster read to us from the Old Testicle.

(With thanks to Mum Sarah)

-oOo-

47. Word Wobble (1). In a car, Bristol

Scene:  Sarah, a work colleague of mine, is driving her son, her niece and niece’s friend to nursery school, after which one of them is going to a crèche.  The girls are talking to each other in the back of the car.

Friend (female, 3.5 years):  (showing off)  After nursery school this afternoon I’m going to a quiche.

Niece (4.5 years) :  Don’t be silly, it’s not called a quiche, it’s called a crate.

(With thanks to driver Sarah)

-oOo-

46. The Facts of Birth. Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2010

Scene:  Blogger Gustavo’s wife has just given birth to their third child, a boy they have named Joaquín.  Their first son aged 7 is still trying to figure it all out.

Son (7):  So where did he come out from, was it Mummy’s back bottom?

(Gustavo’s comment:  From cabbages and storks to back bottoms… it looks as though the new generation is getting nearer to the truth)

Son (7):  And this bag Joaquín was in, was it like those you get at Carrefour?

(Gustavo’s comment:  No, no, kid, it was like the recycling ones, biodegradable…)

(Loosely translated from Gustavo’s blog, Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana – with thanks)

-oOo-

45. Sleep, baby, sleep (2), getting off a plane at Bristol airport, newly arrived from New York.

Scene:  The overnight flight was punctuated by the screams and general anguish of a baby who never settled.  The parents did their best, and were acutely aware of the couple in the same row further along from them, whose baby slept through the night without a peep being heard from him.  The two families met up at baggage reclaim.

Mother of noisy baby (21), English:  I’m sorry everyone’s had a rough night thanks to us – we didn’t know what to do to keep him quiet.  Yours was soooo good!  How on earth did you do it?

Father of quiet baby (28), US American:  Drugs

(Inadvertent gasp from parents of noisy baby plus several eavesdropping bystanders round the carousel)

Mother of noisy baby (trying not to sound shocked):  Really?

Mother of quiet baby (28), English:  He means we gave him a teaspoonful of cough mixture after dinner.

Father of quiet baby, US American:  Yeah.  Drugs.

(With thanks to eavesdropper Brian)

-oOo-

44. Sleep, baby, sleep (1). At a restaurant, Bristol

Scene:  Various couples dining together who met at antenatal class, and having all had their first babies recently, are enjoying a rare night out.  The discussion centres around how to ensure that the young breast-fed babies sleep through the night as far as possible.

Mother 1 (26):  We’ve tried soothing music, lullabyes, giving him more at the midnight feed so he’ll sleep through the night… everything.  Nothing works, and we’re both knackered…

Mother 2 (28), note of smugness in voice:  The secret with night feeds is not to switch any lights on, speak or move around much before or after breastfeeding – that way the baby doesn’t wake up altogether.  Works for me.

Mother 3 (34 and wordlywise):  We don’t seem to have any problems – I breastfeed her at midnight and she goes right through to 7.30.

(Gasps of envy)

Father 1 (27):  At two months?  Through till 7.30?  Oh we're so envious (aren’t we darling?) 

Mother 3:  Well, it’s not without a little help…

Father 2 (28):  Aaaah, now we’re getting somewhere – so what do you give her?

Mother 3:  Not her, me.  Two large brandies.

-oOo-

43. Sainsburys supermarket on a very busy evening in an area popular with students, Clifton, Bristol

Nick, (44) seeing a face he recognises:  Hi there!  Remember me?

Shopper  (female, 44):  (looking blank – and nervous)  Uh....no??

Nick:   (Lowering his voice):  You know, the 1980’s theme party a month ago...

Shopper:  (In her relief, not realising she’s now shouting and attracting the attention of a large number of onlookers) Oh yes...OH YES!!  OH MY GOD!! I DIDN’T RECOGNISE YOU WITHOUT YOUR MAKEUP ON!!!

Nick at the fancy dress party

(With thanks to Nick for the story and the picture)

-oOo-

42. Guildford, Surrey, UK, summer 1973

Explanatory note - dulce de leche:  Toffee with the consistency of caramel, the lazy recipe for which is to boil an unopened tin of condensed milk in water for two hours.

Niece newly arrived from Argentina (20):  We were watching Bruce Forsyth’s Generation Game…

(Reason given for ignoring the muffled sound of an explosion coming from the kitchen, where earlier she had been showing off to her young cousins how easy it was to make dulce de leche.  All you had to do was boil the unopened tin of condensed milk for a couple of hours, however not forgetting to add water to the pan every so often.  The Generation Game had wiped from her brain this last portion of the recipe.)

Niece… (20), nervously to cousins:  So…er... what time is your mother expected home?

(Said immediately upon noticing that there was condensed milk splattered on every square inch of surface in the kitchen, from waist level up to and including the ceiling, and that the original saucepan was now oval.)

PS:  Upon her return, the aunt in question was half way between speechless and amused rather than angry, to her niece’s everlasting gratitude.

-oOo-

41. Corporate Capers (IV), Exeter airport, preparing to exit plane just landed from Paris, June 2010

Jeremy, Retired Company Chairman (he of posts 22 & 23, now older and supposedly “wiser”) (75):  This coat feels a bit tight…

(Said as he and colleagues gathered up their belongings from the overhead lockers on their return from a jolly in France, immediately prior to the dawning realisation that in his haste he had picked up the wrong coat.  His own coat had been left in the boot of the hired car at Charles de Gaulle airport together with the suitcase belonging to the acting Company Chairman, who was catching a later plane in a different direction and had dropped them off prior to returning the hired car.)

Jeremy…. (75):  Oh well, never mind, I’ll send it on to him.

(Said immediately prior to checking the pockets and realising that they contained the acting Chairman’s following belongings:  (1) Passport; (2) Airline tickets; (3) Euros; (4) Sterling; (5) All credit cards.)

(Discreet collective sigh of relief from the rest, who had jobs to lose.)

-oOo-

40. Out of the mouths of babes...(1). Teddington, Middlesex, UK, circa 1950

Background:  After one successful fundraising occasion, the vicar was given to asking one of his parishioners to press local businesses for donations to the church, much to said parishioner’s considerable (and private) annoyance.

Doorbell rings, door is opened by 5 year old, his parents close behind him.

Michael, the Vicar (40), stooping and smiling:  Hello young man, is your father at home?

“Young man” (5) in crystal clear treble voice:  My Daddy says damn, my Daddy says blast, my Daddy says why the hell can’t Michael do his own dirty work…

-oOo-

39. From “Baby’s first Yearbook”, 1953-54, completed by my mother

I was baptized on:  25^th October 1953

Church:  Holy Trinity Church, Temperley, Buenos Aires, Argentina

Details of Ceremony:  Cried a good deal and the moment last amen was said, brought up a big wind that echoed through the church.

(Thanks Mum…)

-oOo-

38. Boarding School (II), Saladillo, Argentina, 1959

“Good” First Report card dated 29^th November 1959.  Pupil’s age = 6

(Entries are exactly as spelled on the report)

Geography.  Year average = 92%. Position in class = 1^st:  She has made a good attempt to keep her book tidy and has memorized her work marvellously.

Reading.  Year average = 100%.  Position in class = 1^st:  Very good indeed.  Neads (sic…) a little more expression.

Spelling.  Year average = 92%.  Position in class = 1^st:  A little careless about studing (sic…) her words, otherwise an excellent speller.

Dancing.  Year average & Position in class not given:  Caroline will be a good little dancer when she ceases to be vague!

Needlework.  Year average & Position in class not given:  She is very slow but a careful worker.

Arithmetic.  Year average = 20%.  Position in class = bottom:  Good enough for her age.

General Remarks:  For one so young Caroline has done very well in her first year of boarding school.  She is still rather belligerent with her companions but is gradually adapting herself to community life.

(So much for thinking I was timid…)

-oOo-

37. Boarding School (I), Saladillo, Argentina, early 1960’s

This is at a small rural school, inexpertly run by an English couple who grouped classes together in one room due to lack of space, sitting them at different tables – or perhaps due to shortage of staff, since the headmaster taught history to the whole school of 36 pupils of differing ages and abilities.  The younger ones such as myself had no idea what was going on, but were too timid to say so.

History Examination paper, end of year. 

Question 1:  Who were the Tuscans?

Pupil (female, 7):  They were a type of elephant.

Question 2:  Why did the Tuscans lay siege to Rome?

Pupil:  (Gazing at blank page for a long time wondering how you laid a siege, before deciding to write what seemed the most obvious answer)
Because they wanted to.

-oOo-

36. Office, Bristol, late 1980’s

Office worker 1, female (18):  My boyfriend went out with his mates Saturday, they got really p*ssed... had to walk home.  Took them ages, cos they got lost.  And he fell over...

Office worker 2, female (22):  What happened?  Was he alright?

Office worker 1:  Yeh.  He said the world were all tipsy turvy.

-oOo-

35. Outside a primary school, Bristol, 2010

Children milling about everywhere, a lot of (normal) screaming and shouting going on.

Harassed mother 1 (30), shouting to be heard above the din:  Apparently I’ve got to take him (8 year old son) to Weston-super-Mare to get the uniform, at that precinct where you can never find a place to park...

Harassed mother 2 (31), shouting back:  Weston-super-Nightmare, you mean.

(With thanks to Nick, who overheard this recently.)

-oOo-

34. At dinner table, early 90’s

Guest (male, 50ish):  .... who was it who said “From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs...”

Hostess (female, 45):  Karl Marx I think?

Daughter of the house (13):  Yes, he was the one who also said “I wouldn’t belong to any club that would have me as a member".

-oOo-

33. At a Comprehensive School (iii), Frimley, Surrey, UK, 1973

In the staff room

Well-spoken senior teacher who fancies her sense of humour (40):  I know you’re from Argentina, but I’ve heard you talk about “B.A.”, what does that stand for?

Spanish Assistant (female, 21):  Buenos Aires, the capital.

Well spoken senior teacher (to others in staff room):  Oh I say, that’s too priceless, it sounds like “B.O.” *  (Puts on a nasal whine) “Hello everybody, I’m from Beeee.Oooooo.!”  (guffaws)

*B.O.:  In the UK, acronym for Body Odour

-oOo-

32. At a Comprehensive School (ii), Frimley, Surrey, UK, 1973

Teacher (female, 30ish):  I hear you’re from Buenos Aires.  I’ve got English relatives living in Colombia, their family name is (****) – I don’t suppose you know them?

Spanish Assistant (female, 21):  Nnnnnooo, it doesn’t ring a bell...

-oOo-

31. At a Comprehensive School (i), Frimley, Surrey, UK, 1973

Sixth Former who has been studying Spanish for a year (female, 17):  You’ve got a funny accent Miss, where do you come from?

Spanish Assistant (female, 21):  I’m from Argentina.

Sixth Former:  Argentina?  Wow, whereabouts in Spain is that?

-oOo-

30. Theatre, Bristol, at the premiere Opening Night of an opera

Theatre-goer, a very senior clinician in a hospital, female (60):  I like coming to these sorts of productions, it’s a fun evening out, don’t you think?  I don’t see the point in buying a programme though – after all you can pick it up as you go along, as long as they don’t sing too high.  I don’t see the point in spending – what is it, £3? – when you can pick it all up yourself.  Better to spend it on a drink, don’t you think?

Friend (40):  Ooh yes, absolutely, I haven’t bought one either.

Theatre-goer (leaning across friend to speak to acquaintance the other side at various times during the performance): 

Excuse me, could you tell me how many acts there are?  ...........Is there one interval, or two?  .........How long is the second one? ...........What time does it finish? ............ I hear the Musical Director’s daughter is in the production – which one is she?........ I didn’t quite follow that last bit, can I borrow your programme to check it out in the synopsis?........

Later in the evening the auditorium got too warm and people were fanning themselves with their programmes.  Said theatre goer was seen flapping her hand in front of her face in an attempt to fan it.  The programme lender/acquaintance wishes she had thought to offer to sell her a fan for £3.00...

-oOo-

29. Office, somewhere in Canada

Boss:  .... so I want to know why you missed the meeting?

Worker (spreading his hands):  If I hadda known I woulda went!

(With many thanks to Fenella Rook)

-oOo-

28. World’s Greatest Lover (2), at a bus stop, midnight, Bristol City Centre

Jack-the-Lad (24):  I’ve told the boss, I said I’m having next week off.  I’ve just got to detox.

Drinking buddy (24):  So what are you going to do on this week off?

Jack-the-Lad:  Detox, mate.  Chill out, go down the gym...

Drinking buddy:  ...give up the fags, the booze and the birds?

Jack-the-Lad:  No, I enjoys me fags.  And a lad’s got to have a drink, innee?

Drinking buddy:  ...so the birds then......

Jack-the-Lad (patiently):  No mate, that’s the point, I ain’t had any of them in months, got to detox.

-oOo-

27. World’s Greatest Lover (1), at a pub, Bristol City Centre

Jack-the-Lad (21), over a pint of beer:  This short blonde bird comes up to me and says hello and I’m like “Who’s she?”  And it turns out we had a good time on New Year’s Eve after the others went home... 

Drinking buddy (24):  You shocker!  Gordon Bennett!*  You couldn’t remember her?

Jack-the-Lad:  Well, sort of… but I was, like, blank.  She goes “Don’t you remember me?”  and I goes “Yeah, I remember how freezing it was in that lounge...”

Drinking buddy:  Couldn’t you even remember that she was a blonde?

Jack-the-Lad:  You don’t look at the mantelpiece while you’re poking the fire, know what I mean?

*Expression of surprise used in Bristol and other places...

-oOo-

26. Listen with Grandmother (iii). Belgrano suburb, Buenos Aires, Argentina, circa 1971

Humbug…

Grandaughter to her Spanish speaking boyfriend (19):  What on earth did you say to Granny that she’s so offended with you?  She’s sitting there doing her knitting, tight-lipped, refusing to say anything and looking disapproving about something…

Spanish speaking boyfriend, keen to learn English but possibly still needing help with his pronunciation (20):  I have no idea.  She offered me one of her special English Callard & Bowser mint humbugs, and I thought it polite to suggest she join me in one too, and I just said “You must have one - Gracias”.

-oOo-

25. Listen with Grandmother (ii). Olivos suburb, Buenos Aires, late 1970’s

Scrabble Trouble

Scene: 

Towards the end of a Scrabble game between my mother and grandmother.  My father (her son) was reading a newspaper in the background.  Granny was a gentle but very straitlaced old lady, and did not like to hear even mild expletives.   “Well I never!” was the most vehement of her ripostes.  She was also very competitive at scrabble – she only had to be within sniffing distance of a triple word score and she would sit there till she found a way to use it.  On this occasion she had only three letters left to place somewhere on the board, which would enable her to win the game.

Granny, musing out loud (90):  I’ve got a U, a C and a K....  oh dear dear, where will I fit those in.... let me see, what words...?   Mmmmmmmm.... MUCK is a word.... no, there’s no free M anywhere... RUCK... is ruck a word?  (Yes Mother).   Mmmmm, can’t see any R’s on the board....  BUCK?... DUCK?.... LUCK?..... TUCK?..... noooooo.  Ah – an F….FUCK!  Is that a word?  (silence)  I’m sure I’ve heard it somewhere before.  (Pensively) FUCK...FUCK.... what does it mean?  

(Strangled choking sounds from behind the shaking newspaper)

Granny:  What’s the matter?  What have I said?

-oOo-

24. Listen with Grandmother (i) Belgrano suburb, Buenos Aires

On being a widow

Granny (90), knitting, in reflective mood:  ... and there’s been no one to scratch my back anymore since my husband died.  (Clicks her tongue) I’ve got to use a knitting needle.

Visiting distant cousin (78):  Mmmm...I know what you mean, I use a ruler.

-oOo-