651. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (11)

Q:  Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A:  Rattlesnakes live in A-me-ri-ca, which is where YOU come from.  All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make good pets.

-oOo-

650. Is your PC not very PC?

Gustavo works in IT.  A colleague of Gustavo's has just given him a lecture against technology and in favour of the old traditional methods of communication.

Work Colleague (55):  ....oh and by the way, after you fiddled with my PC all my Contacts disappeared.

Gustavo (39):  Why do you want your Contacts in Outlook?  One's real contacts are carried here, in one's heart.  The rest is superficial...

Work Colleague:  You've got me.  Give me a litre of parafin and a match and I'll set fire to the PC.  Sorted.

(Gustavo's comment:  his Contacts hadn't disappeared anyway)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

649. When Animals have something to say... (13)

-oOo-

648. Celebrity Quotes (4)

Tom Shade on Robin Williams:

A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein, but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.

-oOo-

647. What we mean is what we don't say... (57)

What we say:  LOL, ROFL, OMG, WTF, etc

What we mean:  Texting abbreviations sure is useful.  They save one an awful lot of time when typing comments in blogs, e-mails, Tweeting and Facebook...

What it says about us: ... which I will use instead of real English.  It will enable me to send more texts, more tweets and make more comments on Facebook.  E-mail is old hat really - you have to write too much.

-oOo-

646. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (76)

Over fifty years I worked at the Albion Colliery, Cilfynydd.  Here are a few nicknames:

1.  Dai-Sweat - always running with perspiration;

2.  Ronnie-Braces-Hopkins - he always wore his braces over his vest.  It was said his wife told him always to keep his braces on;

3.  Billy-the-Bandit.  He was always after extra yardage;

4.  Evan Williams was known as Yanto-Preacher as he was a lay preacher and an elder at the local church;

5.  Dai-Book-and-Pencil.  He was a steel checker on the face and was always counting the steel posts to make sure none were lost in the gob;

6.  Maldwyn-the-Hooker.  He played for Wales after the war, so his name stuck;

It was always said that there was more coal shifted in the Cilfynydd Inn than in the Albion Colliery across the road...

Don Williams of Pontypridd

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

645. In the underground (subway), Buenos Aires

(On a non-mechanical escalator)

Lady (40):  Excuse me, does this escalator go down?

Gustavo (39):  It depends - if you're at the bottom it goes up...

Lady:  (???)

Gustavo:  Yes, yes, it goes down.

Lady:  Aaaahh

(Gustavo's comment:  I must write one hundred times "I must not give stupid answers to people who don't know me.  I must not....")

(Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.)

-oOo-

644. Memorable Signs (13)

-oOo-

643. Cat Dictionary Series (35)

Woman:  Come here Rustykins, I need to give you your insulin injection, there's a good boy.  Would you like a bowl of milk so you don't notice I'm jabbing you?   Mmmm, nice milk, here it is.  Jump up on the stool to have it, so I can reach you better...

Rusty:  (eyeing the needle but gazing longingly at the bowl on the stool)  Don't you get near me with that needle, you awful woman.  I know your sadistic games.  I'll just check that really IS milk.   Mmm, well go on then, if you're quick...

-oOo-

642. What we mean is what we don't say... (56)

We Say:  My Nigerian grandfather left me a million pounds and I want to share it with you.

We mean:  You're going to give me a million pounds and I won't share it with anybody.

What it says about us:  I work hard for a living, sitting at this computer.  Hello - anybody out there??

-oOo-

641. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (10)

Q:  Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?  (Germany)

A:  No, we are a peaceful civilization of began hunter-gatherers.  Milk is illegal.

-oOo-

640. Overheard in the street (by Gustavo)

Man (50):  No, it's my wife who buys all the presents.  I get to hear about it next month when the credit card statement arrives.

(Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.)

-oOo-

639. When Animals have something to say... (12)

-oOo-

638. Insults from the Past (22)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening.  But this wasn't it."  - Groucho Marx

-oOo-

637. What we mean is what we don't say (55)

We say:  I'm e-mailing you to tell you about Cialis, which will keep you harder for longer!

We mean:  Blanket coverage because if you're not a man then you know one, 'cos they're born every minute.

What is says about us:  Even if only 1% of the suckers out there falls for it, I'm still in the money.  Woo Hoo!!

-oOo-

636. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (75)

1.  Bob-Up-and-Down - had one leg shorter than the other;

2.  Justin and Ashley Trout - their dad caught the record brown trout in the area;

3.  Tombstone-Pete - had large grey teeth;

4.  My grandfather, Dai-the-Ton was landlord of the Tonglwydfawr Inn, Cwmdare.

Rich Lambert from North London (originally Aberdare)

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

635. Troubles with Granny Aititi aged 81

Gustavo (38):  So are you still climbing on the table to clean the ceiling fan?

Aititi (81) :  (Indignantly)  No of course not.  These days I climb on the chair and have a go at it with the feather duster.

(Gustavo's comment:  Aititi is brilliant... with her new hip and the same bad habits... if the end of the world was nigh nobody need worry, she'd survive and clean everything.)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

634. Memorable Signs (12)

-oOo-

633. Insults from the Past (21)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

-oOo-

632. What we mean is what we don't say (54)

We say:  I'm e-mailing you to ask you whether you want a longer penis?

We mean:  Blanket coverage because if you're not a man then you know one, 'cos they're born every minute.

What is says about us:  Even if only 1% of the suckers out there falls for it, I'm still in the money.  Woo Hoo!!

-oOo-

631. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (9)

Q:  Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A:  You are a British politician, right?

-oOo-

630. (Celebrity?) Quotes (3)

"He has the face of a saint - a Saint Bernard." - Unknown

-oOo-

629. When Animals have something to say... (11)

-oOo-

628. Insults from the Past (20)

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-post... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

-oOo-

627. What we mean is what we don't say (53)

We say:  I'm e-mailing you to tell you that I'm a beautiful Russian girl wanting to have a relationship with you...

We mean:  You and several million others.  Blanket coverage because if you're not a man then you know one, 'cos they're born every minute.
.

What is says about us:  Even if only 1% of the suckers out there falls for it, I'm still in the money.  Woo Hoo!!

-oOo-

626. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (74)

A senior member of our community who walked with alternately raised knees and placing one foor directly in front of the other was knows as Hecky-go-Kick.

Mal George, Gwaelodygarth

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm