833. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (4)

"We booked an excursion to a water park but your rep never told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

-oOo-

832. What we mean is what we don't say (84)

We Say:  No, I won't have an ice-cream, thank you.

What we mean:  And you'd better not have one either.  If I'm being virtuous than the least you can do is keep me company...

What it says about us:  It's really made me fancy one now.  I may have to buy a few on the way home and keep them to myself...

-oOo-

831. Celebrity Quotes (21)

Shaw writes his plays for the ages...the ages between five and twelve.

- George Nathan on George Bernard Shaw

-oOo-

830. Grumpy Old Quotes (8)

We do not squabble, fight or have rows.  We collect grudges.  We're in an arms race, storing up warheads for the domestic Armageddon.

Hugh Leonard

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

829. Answers to Hecklers (9)

Russel Kane:  "Why don't you do into that corner and finish evolving?"

-oOo-

828. Comebacks (13)

Boss:  Employees like that don't grow on trees you know...

You:  How true Sir, they normally swing underneath them...

-oOo-

827. Kulula Airlines (7)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

-oOo-

826. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (93)

...From Penrhiwfer there was Trefor-the-Milk (the milkman), Davies-the-Post of Williamstown Post Office, and Dai Twitch (originally from Tonyrefail) who had a severe nervous twitch.

Derwyn Williams from Figtree, Australia

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

825. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (10)

A few clowns short of a circus?

-oOo-

824. Memorable Signs (31)

-oOo-

823. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (3)

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.  I don't like spicy food at all."

-oOo-

822. Overheard at the hospital

Three girls striding briskly down the corridor, clearly admin employees on their way to the canteen for lunch.  I come across them as they burst simultaneously through the swing doors, necessitating a quick dodge out of the way by me to avoid being trampled upon.

Girl One:  I mean, don't get me wrong, I like her and Ally and everything, but it would never occur to them to put a ream of paper in the copier, juno-wha-ah-mean?

Girl Two:  Ooh defintly

Girl Three:  Same in our office - the secretary NEVER gets the coffee.  Ah mean, I know she doesn't drink coffee, but we always offer HER coffee, juno-wha-ah-mean?

Girl One:  Defintly

-oOo-

821. Celebrity Quotes (20)

He could start a row in an empty house.

- Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise.

-oOo-

820. Grumpy Old Quotes (7)

Mel Gibson, when asked if he knew 'what women want' -

"After about 20 years of marriage, I'm finally starting to scratch the surface of that one.  And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate."

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

819. Answers to Hecklers (8)

Heckler:  I don't come here to think.

Bill Hicks:  Well tell me where you do go and I'll meet you there.

-oOo-

818. Comebacks (12)

Friend:  I've changed my mind...

You:  Excellent, so does the new one work better?

-oOo-

817. Kulula Airlines (6)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

-oOo-

816. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (92)

Back in the sixties in Cardiff I remember so many nicknames.  Nearly everyone I knew had one.  Mine was Pretty-Boy-Schultz because I always wore a suit with all the accessories. I think the name was a mix up of the gangsters Pretty Boy Floyd and Duch Schultz.

There was Jimmy-the-Pig whose father Benny-the-Belly had a pig farm; Dai-the-Whip who used to drive the horse and cart for his dad who sold salt and vinegar; Joey-the-Runner was always starting fights and then running off.

There was Titchie Davies and Nipper Eedy because they were small; John-the-Block because he was a bit thick; George-the-Cockney; Freddy-the-Fly who was Spanish; Prick Finger, a black bus conductor who had huge hands; Deaf-Geoff.

Norman, who said he wanted a normal name became Normal-Norman; Felix because he was a scaredy-cat; Happy Smith; Bongo Kelly a drummer; Dog-Turd-Tommy who came into the juicer (pub) with dog crap on his shoe.

There were the three short fat girls Lumpy, Dumpty and Stumpy; Moonface, she had a round face; Olive-the-Owl because she had big eyes and a pointy nose; Bootnose the ex-boxer; and Peek-a-Boo Palmer who was caught looking through his neighbour's window.

Viv Gregson, Portsmouth

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

815. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (9)

A titanic intellect... in a world full of icebergs.

-oOo-

814. Memorable Signs (30)

-oOo-

813. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (2)

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons.  I often needed to buy things during siesta time - this should be banned."

-oOo-

812. What we mean is what we don't say (83)

(In the supermarket car park, where trolleys can only be released by the use of a pound coin, retrievable later when you return it.)

What we say:  Can I borrow a pound coin off you for the supermarket trolley?

What we mean:  I can't be bothered to root around in my handbag, and anyway, men always carry loose change around in their pockets...

What is says about us:  I'll forget to return the pound coin to him of course, and he knows it would be a bit petty to ask for it.

-oOo-

811. Celebrity Quotes (19)

Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.

- Rex Reed on Marlon Brando.

-oOo-

810. Grumpy Old Quotes (6)

Men have got no reason to be grumpy at all [at Christmas time], because they don't have to do anything.  They really don't do anything.  In fact, my husband goes out on Christmas Eve to buy my present.  He's had 364 days to go and get it, and he goes on Christmas Eve.

Linda Robson, "Grumpy Old Women"

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

809. Answers to Hecklers (7)

Arthur Smith:  Look, it's alright to donate your brain to science, but shouldn't you have waited till you died?

-oOo-

808. Comebacks (11)

Man:  Please whisper those 3 little words that would make my day!

Woman:  Go to hell.

-oOo-

807. Kulula Airlines (5)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

-oOo-

806. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (93)

There were so many Tommy Williams's in 'Ceiber that there had to be some way of differentiating them, and the local Tommy who rang the bell in St Winifred's Church on Sundays was called Tommy-Ding-Dong.

Ron Thomas, Pontypridd (ex Penrhiwceiber)

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

805. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (8)

Which village is missing its idiot?

-oOo-

804. Memorable Signs (29)

-oOo-

803. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (1)

"I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

-oOo-

802. What we mean is what we don't say...(82)

We say:  My baby is WALKING

We mean:  Yours isn't, and they're the same age.

What it says about us:  Not to worry, it's a genetic thing.  When my son rules the world we'll put in a good word for yours...

-oOo-

801. Celebrity Quotes (18)

An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf.

- Ross Perot on Dan Quayle

-oOo-

800. Grumpy Old Quotes (5)

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you've said.  After marriage he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.

Helen Rowland

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

799. Answers to Hecklers (6)

Shazia Mirza:

"All men are pigs, especially you, sir.  Unfortunately, I can't eat pork."

-oOo-

798. Comebacks (10)

Friend:  I've just come back from the beauticians!

You:  Don't worry, they'll probably open again tomorrow.

-oOo-

797. Kulula Airlines (4)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

 

-oOo-

796. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (91)

My mate Peter, is 6ft 4 and we call him Two-Metre Peter !

Huw, Bryncethin

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

795. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (7)

From the British Army?  Are you sure you're not from the Salvation Army?

-oOo-

794. Memorable Signs (28)

-oOo-

793. Put downs (14)

Man No. 1: You've got more chins than a Chinese phone book.

Man No. 2: God but your brain cell must be lonely...

-oOo-

792. In the queue waiting to pay for a pint of milk...

Overheard at a Bristol Hospital, at the WRVS shop in Orthopaedics Department:

Man (50's):  (In wheelchair, talking to the lady who is making him a cup of coffee)

Left me leg behind in a supermarket car park the other day, look.

Lady at the till (70):  That was careless of you... how did you do that then?

Man:  Well I was with me son and when we got to the doctors I says to 'im  - "Where's me leg?" 

- "Ooh" 'e says, "I think it got left in the black bag with your other stuff in the trolley, look." 

So 'e 'ad to go back an' geddit.  I told 'im, I says "I can't be doin' without me leg."

Young people these days, they don't have the sense they're born with.

Lady at the till:  I know what you mean.

-oOo-

791. Celebrity Quotes (16)

Can't act.  Slightly bald.  Can dance a little.

-  Screen Tester about Fred Astaire.

-oOo-

790. Grumpy Old Quotes (4)

In mid-life the man wants to see how irresistible he still is to younger women.  How they turn their hearts to stone and more or less commit a murder of their marriage I just don't know, but they do.

Patricia Neal

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

789. Answers to Hecklers (5)

Heckler:  "You fat cow".

Jo Brand:  "I deliberately keep my weight up so that a tosser like you won't fancy me."

-oOo-

788. Comebacks (9)

Man:  I know how to "please" a woman...

Woman:  Really?  then "please" leave me alone.

-oOo-

787. Kulula Airlines (3)

(These are the background notes I made for the first in the series, number 767)

Have you ever heard of Kulula Airlines?  It's a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - the word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages. 

I've put together a sequence of posts about them featuring photographs from the internet and some of their in-flight announcements, to show you what I mean.  It's a breath of fresh air in a business which is so frightened of scaring its passengers in case it puts them off from using their airline.  Kulula just makes its passengers laugh.

-oOo-

786. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (90)

I have a friend who used to be Dai the Milk because he sold milk but now he's Dai the Phone (career change).

Another friend who can recreate music exactly with his voice is called Dan the Beats.

A lad in school was Sion Bilko because of his military hair style.

Hugh Williams or Rin is named after his double Rinat Desiev, a fromer Russian goalkeeper.

My dad is still known as Shaft for various reasons but he did have a perm that resembled an afro in the late eighties.

Will Lloyd from Llantwit Major

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

785. Weakest Link put downs (6)

Who's a few feathers short of a whole duck?

-oOo-

784. Memorable Signs (27)

-oOo-

783. Put downs (13)

Excuse me, is that your nose or are you eating a banana?

-oOo-

782. What we mean is what we don't say...(81)

What we say:  I lost five pounds in weight this week

What we mean:  Just reminding you that YOU didn't ..............

What it says about us:  Nyah......... :-)))))))

-oOo-

781. Celebrity Quotes (15)

She's so stupid she returns bowling balls because they've got holes in them.

- Joan Rivers on Bo Derek.

-oOo-

780. Grumpy Old Quotes (3)

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul.  When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

Anon.

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

779. Answers to Hecklers (4)

Mark Steel to an audience in Belfast:

"I preferred it during the Troubles - at least you were fighting each other."

-oOo-

778. Comebacks (8)

Man:  So, what's your sign?

Woman:  No Entry.

-oOo-

777. Kulula Airlines (2)

See background notes about this airline in my post number 767. 

Here is another photo of one of their planes.

-oOo-

776. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (89)

Dai-Book-and-pencil? You've guessed it - the local traffic warden in Brecon. Red-faced, glasses ... they must have used the mould for traffic wardens throughout the UK.

Janice Truscott

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

775. Weakest Link put downs (5)

Who's not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree?

-oOo-

774. Memorable Signs (26)

-oOo-

773. Put downs (12)

Sure I'd love to help you out.  Which way did you come in?

-oOo-

772. What we mean is what we don't say... (80)

We say:  You're so lucky to be able to sleep so much!  On weekends my lie-in means that I don't get up till 7 a.m.....

We mean:  I hope I've impressed you, you lazy lump, because I know your lie-ins mean you don't get up till at least noon...

What it says about us:  You waste the day, while I'm a virtuous and dynamic achiever.  Running around doing housework will surely lengthen my lifespan.... Won't it???... Well... at least I'll go to heaven when I die and you definitely won't.

-oOo-

771. Celebrity Quotes (14)

He's so ugly, they ought to donate his face to the World Wildlife Fund.

- Muhammad Ali on Joe Frazier

-oOo-

770. Grumpy Old Quotes (2)

Old age at least gives me an excuse for not being very good at things that I was not very good at when I was young.

Thomas Sowell

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

769. Answers to Hecklers (3)

Ricky Gervais:

"This is a big venue, I can't really get into one-to-ones.  In a smaller room I'd still ignore you - SHUT UP!"

-oOo-

768. Comebacks (7)

Man:  Your place or mine?

Woman:  Both - you're going to yours and I'm going to mine.

-oOo-

767. Kulula Airlines (1)

Have you ever heard of Kulula Airlines?  It's a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - the word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages. 

I've put together a sequence of posts about them featuring photographs from the internet and some of their in-flight announcements, to show you what I mean.  It's a breath of fresh air in a business which is so frightened of scaring its passengers in case it puts them off from using their airline.  Kulula just makes its passengers laugh.

I'll post about Kulula every ten posts - so the next one will be post number 777, and so on.

-oOo-

766. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (88)

Nicknames derived from the mining industry -

Dai Six Months (lost part of an ear in an accident),

Blackdamp (named after the deadly creeping gas found underground)

Sprag (named after the sprag of wood used to slow up the coal drams when on a downward slope) and so on.

These nicknames are a wonderful record of life in the pits and should be preserved.

John W of Treowen, Newbridge

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

765. Weakest Link put downs (4)

Who's one Froot Loop shy of a full bowl?

-oOo-

764. Memorable Signs (25)

-oOo-

763. Put downs (11)

I hear you're connected to the Police Department.  Would that be by a pair of handcuffs?

-oOo-

762. What we mean is what we don't say... (79)

We say:  What time shall we leave - 7.30?

We mean:  See how I consult you on everything?

What it says about us:  Might as well tell her what time I want to leave before she has a chance to think about it, so we do things my way.

-oOo-

761. Celebrity Quotes (13)

The only genius with an IQ of 60.

- Gore Vidal about Andy Warhol.

-oOo-

760. Grumpy Old Quotes (1)

When we are young we are slavishly employed in procuring something whereby we may live comfortably when we grow old, and when we ARE old, we perceive it is too late to live as we proposed.

Alexander Pope

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

-oOo-

759. Answers to Hecklers (2)

John Cooper Clarke:

"Your bus leaves in ten minutes... be under it."

-oOo-

758. Comebacks (6)

- Do you notice how I've kept my youthful complexion?

-  Yeah, so I see.  Spotty.

-oOo-

757. Celebrity Quotes (17)

“Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.”

Anon

-oOo-

756. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (87)

Dai Central Eating 'cos he only had 1 front tooth, which was set in the middle of his top jaw. His name didn't change even when he got dentures!!

Dai Vatican - because his surname was Pope and he was a Catholic.

Evans the Milk (milkman) and he traded under that name.

Jones the Bus: they ran/drove the local bus company.

Jenny Rotten, due to poor dental hygiene.

Dotty Datestones (never knew her real name) cos her teeth had discoloured to the colour of dates.

Dic Oil Slick, mechanic, real name Richard Jones.

My Uncle William who lost half an ear in a pitfall was known ever after as "Bill 18 months".

My father told me of the man of 6'3" who jumped from Crumlin Viaduct, the highest in the world and was said to only measure 3'6" on landing, was posthumously always refered to as "Dai Pwt" - Dai Short. Tragic.

Oh and what about "Shioni Onion" - these chaps were Bretons and arrived from France every year to sell their strings of onions garlic and shallots. Always carried on an ancient black bicycle and Shioni always wore a beret and a neckerchief. Today, in our politically correct society, it is no longer the done thing, as it is now seen as being derogoatory or emotional abusive, but people were proud to be given and to bear these names.

Zoe De Luca, Brindisi, Italy

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

755. Missing Link put downs (3)

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; you only gargle.

-oOo-

754. Memorable Signs (24)

-oOo-

753. Put downs (10)

Somebody said to me that you ain't fit to sleep with the pigs.  Well, I stuck up for the pigs.

-oOo-

752. What we mean is what we don't say... (78)

We say:  Of course I love you!

We mean:  I hate it when you ask.

What it says about us:  It's quite an art to pitch it somewhere between cautious and spontaneous...

-oOo-

751. Celebrity Quotes (12)

The Thief of Bad Gags.

- Walter Winchell about Milton Berne.

-oOo-

750. Hotel advice

Boss (51):  Forget about the ones on the coast road:  if you go round by the lake you'll find places that'll give you a 50% discount, and in some places you can even get 100% discount...

(Gustavo's comment: and if you stay inside the lake itself you'll get 110% and they'll pay YOU...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

749. Answers to Hecklers (1)

Arthur Smith: 

"Is that your real face or are you still celebrating Halloween?"

-oOo-

748. Comebacks (5)

Little Sister: You’re ugly.

You: And you’re good looking, for a gorilla.

Little Sister:  Must be cos we're related.

-oOo-

747. What we mean is what we don't say... (77)

We say:  Sorry to interrupt....

We mean:  I'm not sorry to interrupt.

What it says about us:  ...But if I don't say what I'm thinking now I'll just forget, and the pearls of wisdom will be lost forever....

-oOo-

746. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (86)

My in-laws were from Tredegar and regularly referred to a local villain as Ivor-Ball-and-Chain.

Eric M, Newport

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

745. Weakest Link putdowns (3)

Who's a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic?

-oOo-

744. Memorable Signs (23)

-oOo-

743. Putdowns (9)

I heard that you were a ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock.

-oOo-

742. What we mean is what we don't say... (76)

We say:  Sorry to interrupt you, but can I just ask ....

We mean:  I'm not sorry and I'm in a hurry.

What it says about us:  My needs are greater than yours.

-oOo-

741. Celebrity Quotes (11)

Breasts like granite and a brain like Swiss cheese.

- Billy Wilder on Marilyn Monroe

-oOo-

740. Overheard on the bus

Lady I (61):  I'm a cleaner, but I do things MY way.  If I want to do a deep clean I do, if I want to give the place a lick and a promise I do - they respect it, because I can treat the house as if it was my own - well, you know what I mean.  I'm 61 and I work there because they don't give me orders, otherwise it would be a case of 'see you later alligator'.

Lady II (63):  I work too, 'cos I can't afford to live unless I work.  Anyway I'm only 63 and I'm young, I'm not going to go to an old people's home to scratch myself all day...

(Gustavo's comment:  I'd still be able to scratch myself at home, if it was me...)

(Very) loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

739. When animals have something to say (23)

-oOo-

738. Comebacks (4)

Man: Do you want to dance?
.

Woman: NO

Man: Sorry, I think you misheard me...I said, You Look fat in those pants.

-oOo-

737. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (85)

A baker became known by different nicknames as his business and social standing increased.  First he was known as "Dai The Bread", and soon became "Dai the Rolls" after purchasing a large car to demonstrate his wealth.  Finally he was known as "Dai Upper Crust" when he received a knighthood.

There was a local miner called "Bells" because he was always complaining he was wringing wet after a shift.

Another was called "Gary Banana Back" because he constantly complained about his back being like that fruit after a shift.

There was another called "Dai Piano" who was constantly cadging cigarettes as he had left his at home - on the piano.

Lastly there was "Dai Rob the Dead" who reputedly claimed a dead man's fully coal laden tram as his own in order to boost his wages.

Ian Price from Cwmparc 

-oOo-

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

736. What we mean is what we don't say... (75)

We say:  If I'm like this when I'm old, please shoot me, for heaven's sake...

We mean:  If I'm like this when I'm old, please DON'T shoot me, for heaven's sake.

What it says about us:  I need you to like me in good time before I become a miserable old git.

-oOo-

735. Weakest Link putdowns (2)

Who's not the sharpest knife in the drawer?

-oOo-

734. Memorable Signs (22)

-oOo-

733. Putdowns (8)

Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade.

-oOo-

732. What we mean is what we don't say... (74)

We say:  Do I remember?  Er, yes, vaguely.

We mean:  Don't know what you're talking about, but don't want you to think I wasn't listening first time round...

What it says about us:  actually it's far too boring to have paid attention the first time.

-oOo-

731. Celebrity Quotes (10)

Avoid all needle drugs.  The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.

- Abbie Hoffman

-oOo-

730. On the bus

Young lady (28) :  (In raised voice)  No, look, I don't mind having sex with anyone 'cos I'm an atheist, see...

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

729. When animals have something to say (22)

Cool dude?

-oOo-

728. Comebacks (3)

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be too, if you sit down.

-oOo-

727. What we mean is what we don't say... (73)

We say:  I don't like it.  See, I'm funny like that...

We mean:  I'm telling you modestly how unique my opinions are, and that I believe in saying what I think at all times.

What it says about us:  I'm a self-centred person who believes I'm far more interesting than anyone else.

-oOo-

726. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (84)

When I was a 15 year old screenboy working at Marine pit in Cwm we boys were forever trying to sneak off a few minutes early to be first to bath. But we were terrorised by a timekeeper who wasn't averse to hiding between the wagons in the sidings to catch us. From an injury received he was minus one arm so hence his nickname "The One Arm Bandit".

Conversely the other timekeeper was called "The Crook with the Book". Then we had Dickie Butterballs for whatever reason and my grandfather from his expertise with racing pigeons was Bill Pigeon and my father who worked with him as colliers was Ike Pigeon.

The list was endless - when I moved on to the steel industry at Ebbw Vale we had one young lad about six stone soaking wet who always seemed to be getting things wrong and when challenged would raise is arms up and state "it wasn't me". So he soon became "Hands Up".

Dillwyn from Cwm

-oOo-

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

725. Weakest Link putdowns (1)

Who's a few fries short of a Happy Meal?

-oOo-

724. Memorable Signs (21)

-oOo-

723. Putdowns (7)

You're about as much use as a Betamax videorecorder.  (Anon)

-oOo-

722. What we mean is what we don't say... (72)

We say:  (To a child)  I don't think that's a very good idea...

We mean:  I'm going to get very cross with you if you do it.

What it says about us:  By understating it I'm letting you think I'm treating you like an adult.  You're still too young to understand how cleverly I'm dealing with the situation.

-oOo-

721. Celebrity Quotes (9)

He had the compassion of an icicle and the generosity of a pawnbroker.

- S J Perelman on Groucho Marx

-oOo-

720. Cat Dictionary Series (36)

Woman:  Look John, look at Banjo the way he's looking up at me with those big melting green eyes.  Isn't he simply gorgeous?  Come Banjo, do you want to get on the sofa with us?  Come and sit in the middle (pats the cushion).

Banjo:  You're sitting in MY seat.  Do you think cats make eye contact to be soppy?  Get out of MY seat... NOW!!

-oOo-