322. Memorial Plaque Series (62) - Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

321. The Vessel with the Pestle?

Teenage Enid rings the doorbell at the house where her friend Alice Muster lives to see if she can come to the cinema with her.  Her friend’s father opens the door and tells her Alice has gone to the shops less than five minutes ago – didn’t she see her?  

Enid:  (blurting out) Oh No! I musta missed her Mr Muster!

(With thanks to Eric)

-oOo-

320. Trying out the new hip after the op

Granny (81):  Give me one of those biscuits, I’m hungry

Gustavo (38):  Hang on a minute, the nurse said something about asking them if you can eat solids.

Granny:  But they’ve got no salt in them.

Gustavo’s Comments: 

(You mean as you have high blood pressure you should be on a liquid only diet??)

(If you’re reading this, well you were right anyway, it was your hip they operated on, not your stomach…)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

319. The bottom of the bowl

Scene:  Old Peoples' Home

Supervisor:  Sid, why aren't you eating your pudding, don't you like it?

Sid (80):  I'm not having that muck.

Supervisor:  Why, what's wrong with it?

Sid:  Oh it's not the pudding.  I can't eat stuff when there's a pattern at the bottom of the bowl.  Don't care about the colour, doesn't have to be white, but I can't stand a pattern.  Won't eat out of it.  You can take it away.

(Sound of Supervisor tearing out what's left of her hair from last time...)

-oOo-

318. Memorial Plaque Series (61). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

317. I'll have gravy, but I'm not having sauce

Scene:  Old Peoples Home

Supervisor:  What now Sid - aren't you having your roast beef?  It's our special on a Sunday...

Sid (80):  They said this is sauce, and that it's got wine in it.  They've ruined it.

Supervisor:  It sounds delicious.  What's wrong with that?

Sid:  It ain't gravy, I'm not eating no foreign muck

(Sound of Supervisor tearing her hair out)

-oOo-

316. Fire Training (5)

Background

Mandatory Fire Training at the hospital.  Packed lecture theatre, darkened room, Trainer silhouetted against his PowerPoint presentation, seriously emphasising point by point.  After all, the lives of patients as well as our own could depend on getting it right...

Trainer:  So how did the fire spread?  It would depend on the causation of the fire.... And if there's a gas cannister nearby then the causation is less important and you'll get an intensification of in the rate of burning situation...

(eh?)

.... in other words an explosion.

(ah!)

-oOo-

315. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Welsh Nickname Series (20)

From my childhood in Abertridwr I remember Dill the Death (the local undertaker) and an elderly gentleman slow on his pins known as Dai Full-Pelt.

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

314. Memorial Plaque Series (60). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

313. Letter to God (2)

-oOo-

312. Pussywood Studios - Closed Set (X-rated)

Banjo to Director:  You want us to do WHAT???????????

-oOo-

311. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (19)

On a recent trip back to Kidwelly, I was talking about building repairs to a neighbour who made a reference to asking Dai Disaster.  I think I'll look in the Yellow Pages.

Michael Prynn, Birmingham

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

310. Memorial Plaque Series (59). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

It says:  "Frank the Plank"

-oOo-

309. Underground station, Buenos Aires

At the foot of a flight of stairs, talking on her mobile phone.

Young lady (23):  Sorry, I'm about to climb the stairs, and I can't handle talking and going up the stairs at the same time.  I'll call you back in five minutes.

(Gustavo's comment:  So chewing gum as well would be out of the question?)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

308. Letter to God (1)

-oOo-

307. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (18)

We've got John the Box, the undertaker, and Dean Death his assistant...

CB, Trelewis

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

306. Memorial Plaque Series (58). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

305. Mollie, in Patagonia

They told me I'd have a cabin with a view,

but this porthole's rubbish...

-oOo-

304. Fire Training (4)

Background

Mandatory Fire Training at the hospital.  Packed lecture theatre, darkened room, Trainer silhouetted against his PowerPoint presentation, seriously emphasising point by point.  After all, the lives of patients as well as our own could depend on getting it right...

Trainer:  There were several fire incidences, and even if mattresses are coated in fire retardant material they'll burn eventually, make no bones about it...

-oOo-

303. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (17)

There was a miner in the village called Dai Sick Note, because apparently he was always on the sick.

Claire Lewis, Penrhiwceiber

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

302. Memorial Plaque Series (57). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

301. On a busy street corner, Buenos Aires

Lady (66):  How odd to see an attic here - normally they don't let attics in the downtown area.

Man (72):  What you mean they don't let attics in?

Woman:  Artics* not attics.  You heard.  Why do you correct me?

Man:  If I'd understood you I wouldn't have asked.

Woman:  Yes, right.  You always do this to me.....

*Artic:  Articulated lorry

(Gustavo's comment:  How lovely to reach that age and be able to .... er, well, how lovely to reach that age.)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

300. Call Centre (last)

There's always one.  I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.

Operator:         'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller:              'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator:         'What sort of trouble??'
Caller:              'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator:         'Went away?'
Caller:              'They disappeared.'
Operator:         'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller:              'Nothing.'
Operator:         'Nothing??'
Caller:              'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator:         'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller:              'How do I tell?'
Operator:         'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?'
Caller:              'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator:         'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller:              'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator:         'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller:              'What's a monitor?'
Operator:         'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller:               'I don't know.'
Operator:          'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller:              'Yes, I think so.'
Operator:         'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              'Yes, it is.'
Operator:         'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller:               'Okay, here it is.'
Operator:          'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller:               'I can't reach.'
Operator:          'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller:               'No.'
Operator:          'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller:               'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator:          'Dark??
Caller:               'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator:           'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller:               'I can't.'
Operator:          'No? Why not??'
Caller:               'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator:           'A power......... A power failure?  Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?'
Caller:               'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator:           'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller:                'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator:            'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller:                 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator:            'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!'

-oOo-

299. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (16)

David Jones worked in Mountain Ash Motors as a mechanic and used to buy old part exchanges, do them up and sell them.  Unknown in village as David Jones, well known as Dai Banger.

Russell Lewis, Penrhiwceiber

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

298. Memorial Plaque Series (56). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

297. Us musicians gotta stick together

Pupil (boy, 12) to piano teacher:  See, I like to finish the exercise with an archipelago, like this.................

-oOo-

296. Fire Training (3)

Background

Mandatory Fire Training at the hospital.  Packed lecture theatre, darkened room, Trainer silhouetted against his PowerPoint presentation, seriously emphasising point by point.  After all, the lives of patients as well as our own could depend on getting it right...

Trainer: ...Heat and oxygen can generate flame, and vicky verky.

-oOo-

295. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (15)

My great grandmother's second husband's name was Richard Edwards and he worked as a sinker in the colliery so he was known as Dick the Sinker.  My husband's name is Tom Williams (Little Tom) whose father is Tom Williams and he worked in Oakdale colliery and his nickname was Tom Tinker.

Nichola Whitney-Williams, Abergavenny

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

-oOo-

294. Memorial Plaque Series (55). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

293. How the world was created...in Buenos Aires

Daughter (10):  No Dad, the fact that I don't believe in Genesis doesn't mean that I don't believe in the Big Mac Theory either.

(Gustavo's comment:  OK, so Ronald McDonald isn't a god then)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-