83. Cat Dictionary Series (3)

Morning Ritual

Scene:  It’s 6 a.m., the couple are blissfully asleep – the alarm won’t go off for another hour.  Suddenly the peace is shattered by the sound of claws being sharpened on the side of the mattress, which vibrates with the treatment.

Translation:  Wakey wakey… I need a pee.  (They know I don’t like the litter tray first thing in the morning.  And I don’t want her, she expects me to use the catflap.  He’ll get up and open the back door if I carry on for a while.)

-oOo-

82. Memorial Plaque Series (4). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

81. Cat Dictionary Series (2)

Evening Ritual

Scene:  The couple are sitting on the sofa watching TV, cat (Banjo) comes up and sits between them on the carpet, looking up at them in Princess Diana style – chin down, eyes up.  No amount of persuasion will get him to climb up and settle down between them.  Sweet talk, patting the space … nothing works.  He gazes fixedly at one of them.

Translation:  Don’t you baby talk me, I won’t have second best.  That’s MY seat and you’re in it.  MOVE!

-oOo-

80. Word Wobble (12). School Essay, UK

“Helicopters are cleverer than planes.  Not only can they fly through the air they can also hoover”.

-oOo-

79. Cat Dictionary Series (1)

Spoilt Cat Ritual

Scene:  Cat stands by catflap indoors, tail waving gently up in the air, mewing plaintively.

Translation:  Yes I know the catflap is open, but it’s a pain to drag myself through it.  If I look cute enough, you’ll come and open the door for me.

-oOo-

78. Memorial Plaque Series (3). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

77. Out of the mouths of babes… (4). Hospital, Lomas de Zamora, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 1958

Scene:  The hospital is run by nuns who wear imposing black habits and veils.  Older sister aged 10 is recovering from a hernia operation, being visited by her mother and younger sister.  The Mother Superior is present, exchanging pleasantries with mother, while the child stares at her up and down. The Mother Superior pauses long enough to draw breath…

Younger sister, chipping in (5):  Why do you wear men’s shoes?

(With thanks to elder sister Sylvia, who doesn’t remember what the poor nun replied…)

-oOo-

76. Out of the mouths of babes… (3). Central Buenos Aires, 1950’s

Scene:  Mother and daughter out shopping, daughter runs ahead and presently mother sees her stop and gaze up at a man who is talking to someone, so absorbed in her staring that she is still at it when embarrassed mother hastily catches up with her.

Daughter (6):  (In loud, carrying voice, looking up at him and pointing)  That man’s got no hair on his head.

-oOo-

75. Out of the mouths of babes… (2). Estancia El Manzano, Córdoba, Argentina, in the 1930’s

Venerable old gentleman, guest (75):  (Enchanted by young child with gold ringlets) Hello little lass!

Miss Gold Ringlets, daughter of the house (8):  (Scowling)  You big ass!

-oOo-

74. Memorial Plaque Series (2). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

It's not clear who's gorgeous...

-oOo-

73. Millie the Budgie, Tewkesbury

Builder (30):  (To his wife)  I’ve had strange instructions form clients in me time, but this one beats them all.

Wife (29):  What was that?

Builder:  The owner of the house left as soon as I arrived, and she told me to talk to her budgie…

Wife:  WHAT?

Builder:  Yeh – apparently it’s a female and she’s pining for her mate who died last week, and she thinks I could be a substitute.

Wife:  For goodness sake.  So what did you do?

Builder:  What do you think?  I said “Hello Millie”.

Wife:  Yep, that certainly sounds like your chat-up line.

(With thanks to Marie, the owner of the house)

-oOo-

72. Doner kebab take-away, Bristol

Doner Kebab on a rotating spit (Google image)

Scene:  Three young people going into a takeaway establishment late on Saturday night - a Bristolian student and his French girlfriend, the third another French girl, friend of the first.

French Girl 1, visitor (20):  (Pointing to the doner meat on the spit)  Qu'est-ce que c'est ça là-bas? (1)

French Girl 2, resident (20):  C'est la jambe d'un éléphant.  C'est bien délicieux! (2)

French Girl 1:  (disbelieving)  C'est QUOI ??? (3)

French Girl 2:  (ernestly) Oui, vraiment... je t'assure... (4)

French Girl 1 turns enquiringly to the Bristolian student, her friend's boyfriend, and notices him clutching his sides, silently convulsed with laughter.  French Girl 2 (the girlfriend) realises she's been had - for some time - and storms out of the shop.

(With thanks to Nick, and to Michèle for checking my French...)
.

(1)  What's that over there?

(2)  It's an elephant leg - delicious!

(3)  A what???

(4)  Yes, honestly...

-oOo-

71. Careers Advice.

Little boy (8): 
(Telling his parents about a chat on careers advice at school that day).

I would like to be an accountant but you have to know a lot about maths.

-oOo-

70. Memorial Plaque Series (1). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

-oOo-

69. Hospital Stories II, Bristol

Scene:  Hospital-based doctors who specialise in urology often own or have on permanent loan, male and female latex prosthetic lower torsos for training purposes…  or they know where to find them.  These unlovely but expensive dummies are essential for teaching students the rudiments of inserting urinary catheters before they are let loose on real patients.  From time to time they get borrowed anonymously, a cause of singular annoyance...

Consultant Urological Surgeon (male, 38) in a high temper, striding down the corridor and shouting at near the top of his voice, to the stunned amazement of those lining the way: 

Where’s my rubber arse?  Where the hell’s my rubber arse? 

-oOo-

68. Hairdressers (IV), Bristol. Saturday morning

Hair salon proprietor (30):  (Surprised) Good morning – your appointment isn’t today, is it?

Client (female 40):  Yes, it’s at 11.15

Hair salon proprietor:  But your husband rang earlier to make an appointment for you, next Tuesday at 10:00....

Client: (puzzled)  My husband would never do that.

Hair salon proprietor:  Yes, his name was Martin.

Client:  My husband’s name is Bob.

Hair salon proprietor:  No it's not - oh - er - are you sure?

(With thanks to Karen)

-oOo-

67. At home with Gustavo and his family, Buenos Aires, Argentina

Wife (30):  Are you coughing again?

Son (7):  Yes, it’s when I put my socks on.

Wife (30):  When you bend over to put them on?

Son (7):  No, it’s my socks that make me cough.  When I put them on I cough.

(Gustavo’s comment:  It’s a rather straaange explanation…)

Loosely translated from Gustavo’s blog, Blugudeces de la Vida Cotidiana - with thanks.

-oOo-

66. Hospital Stories I, Bristol

Scene:  Two Consultant Urological Surgeons, looking for something to eat from an assortment of fruit in a bowl.

Surgeon 1 (62):  How about an apple?

Surgeon 2 (40):  Mmm – not sure about this one, it’s got a scrotal feel to it.

-oOo-

65. Word Wobble (11). School Essay, UK

The children were asked to write about a TV wildlife documentary they had seen recently.

“...Crabs and creatures like them all belong to a family of crushed Asians.”

-oOo-

64. Word Wobble (10). After Nativity Play rehearsal.

Granny (70):  So what happens after the Baby Jesus is born, what do you do next?

Grandson who has just learned to read (7):  At the end of the show we all sing Away in a Manager.

-oOo-

63. Word Wobble (9). After Church, Sunday.

Mother (20’s):  How was Sunday School?

Daughter (7):  OK.  But why do we have to say ‘old men’ at the end of prayers?  Do they mean grandpa?

.

-oOo-

62. Word Wobble (8). School Essay – somewhere...

“Sometimes in the war they take prisners and keep them as ostriges until the war is over.”

-oOo-

61. Word Wobble (7). School Essay, US

“The total is when you add up all the numbers and a remainder is an animal that pulls Santa Claus on his slay.”

-oOo-

60. Word Wobble (6). School Essay, UK

"In wartime children who lived in big cities had to be evaporated because it was safer in the country.”

-oOo-

59. Red Poppy Blues

Janet (60) to Poppy Appeal local organiser:  I’m quite pleased with my long list of volunteers for the Poppy Appeal, I’ll just go and run it off from my PC.
.

(Said just prior to switching it on and finding out that she had forgotten to save the file).

Janet (60):  Oh... well, I’ll just get the paper copy.

(Said just prior to remembering that, mindful of data protection issues, she had conscientiously shredded the lot after uploading it onto her PC.)
.

Janet (60):  (Expletive deleted.)

-oOo-

58. Wine Tasting Notes (4). Bristol, a Friday evening in October 2010

Visiting winegrower hosting the tasting (male, 50’s):  You’ll love this one, it’s a blend of cabernet sauvignon (or cab sav as we call it) and merlot.  Just smell that oaky vanilla and crushed raspberries – you feel it going to your head just from smelling the bouquet...  It’s difficult to explain how I feel about this one...

Wine taster (83), the alcohol clearly increasing the cynicism level in his blood:  

You’re in heaven?

Visiting winegrower... etc (smiling):  Well put, I feel in heaven.

Wine taster (83):  No, that’s not how I would spell it.

(Personally overheard by Lonicera...)

-oOo-

57. Wine Tasting Notes (3). Bristol, a Friday evening in October 2010

Woman, way past her bedtime (85+):  (On being offered a tray with a choice of the wines which had just been sampled to have with her baguette, selection of cheeses, chutneys, ripe figs, cherry tomatoes and other crudités, thoughtfully provided by the venue to complement the tasting) 

Glass of water please.

(Personally overheard by Lonicera...)

-oOo-

56. Wine Tasting Notes (2). Bristol, a Friday evening in October 2010

Wine taster, male – new to this type of malarkey (65): This one’s much too dry for me, I...

Visiting winegrower hosting the tasting (male, 50’s):  Really?  We find that it’s quite popular, and it goes very well with shellfish.  Perhaps if you were to serve it really chilled...

Wine taster (65):  No, I was just about to say that I wouldn’t waste it:   if it’s too dry, I just pop in a couple of saccharine pills.

Visiting winegrower... etc:  (Sound of spluttering into his glass.)

(Personally overheard by Lonicera...)

-oOo-

55. Wine Tasting Notes (1). Bristol, a Friday evening in October 2010

Visiting winegrower hosting the tasting (male, 50’s):  Just swirl your glass around a bit to let out the bouquet.  That’s it, now smell that lovely aroma of apple with overtones of vanilla.  Isn’t it refreshing?

Woman, way past her bedtime (85+):  (In clear, carrying voice) Apple?  Has this stuff got apple in it?

Visiting winegrower.. etc:  (slightly nonplussed) Oh No, it’s just a suggestion in the bouquet, a way of distinguishing it…

Woman (85+):  Yes well, I mean to say....

PS:  Personally overheard by Lonicera...to which I would also add that the venue’s (charming) cuckoo clock chose this exact moment to chime, and the cuckoo shuttled noisily in and out of its cubbyhole 8 times while this exchange was taking place.  There wasn’t a dry eye at the table that had witnessed both these events.

-oOo-

54. At home with the Beckhams

Scene:  A young couple, keen golfers, booked a room a year in advance of the 2010 Ryder Cup golf tournament which was being held at the Celtic Manor Hotel, Newport, Wales, in October 2010, as a special (very expensive) treat so they could enjoy the tournament and the five star accommodation.  These telephone calls took place shortly before the event.

Young couple (20’s):  ??!  No!!!  J J

(Reply given to the heavily booked Celtic Manor Hotel when the management asked them if they would give up their room for somebody who was offering them £1,000 ‘reward’ in addition to refunding them the price they had paid for the room.)

Young couple (20’s): ??! No!!

(Reply given to Celtic Manor Hotel half an hour later when the management upped the offer to £2,000)

Young couple (20’s):  No!  L

(Reply given to Celtic Manor Hotel half an hour later when the management upped the offer to £5,000)

Young couple (20’s):  No

(Reply given to Celtic Manor Hotel half an hour later when the management upped the offer to £10,000)

Young couple (20’s):  OK then J

(Reply given to Celtic Manor Hotel half an hour later when the management upped the offer to £56,000 after asking them how much they had left on their mortgage.)

PS:  They learned later that their room was in the middle of a suite of five which David and Victoria Beckham wished to reserve for themselves, and it was they who were making the offers.  The celebrity couple only required one room, but ‘needed’ the two rooms either side for ‘privacy’.  The young couple were able to pay off their mortgage.  Everybody happy.

(Note from Lonicera:  Sadly this story may be apocryphal; I have just discovered that there are other similar ones circulating on the internet...)

-oOo-