1173. What we mean is what we don't say.... (113)

What we say:  I'm sorry, but I just have to say this...

What we mean:  I'm dying to voice my opinions, to show what a feisty woman/man I am.

What it says about us:  I'm not sorry, and I don't need to say it, but I'm going to say it anyway because I want the attention.

-oOo-

1172. Overheard on the London Underground/Tube/Suway

Overheard over the PA system:

"Beggars are operating on this train.  Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars.  If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity.

Failing that, give it to me."

-oOo-

1171. Grumpy Old Quotes (41)

No cowboy was ever faster on the draw than a grandparent pulling a baby picture out of a wallet.

Anon

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

1170. Dog shaming (13)

-oOo-

1169. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (6)

Q:  What are steroids?

A:  Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

-oOo-

1168. Travel Stories (9)

Waiting in line at an airport in Egypt, standing behind a couple of Australian women.  One says to the other:  "I'm not happy.  I thought we paid extra to fly direct to London?  How come we're stopping in some place called 'Londres' on the way?"

-oOo-

1167. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (5)

Q:  What happens to your body as you age?

A:  When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

-oOo-

1166. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (127)

I used to work in the Customs Office of the Swansea-Cork ferry, and one of the regular Irish lorry drivers came into our office for his return journey to Ireland.  He related an incident from the previous day when he was delivering in the Valleys and was scouting around looking for a bed-and-breakfast to stay the night.

He called into a cafe where he had a cup of tea and made enquiries about lodgings in the area.  Everybody was very helpful, said Paddy, and they all agreed that his best bet was the bed-and-breakfast at Nellie Painter's.  they gave him directions and he set off up the hill to what he believed to be Nellie Painter's house.

When a woman answered the door he asked if she was Nellie Painter, and whether she did Bed-and-breakfast.  The woman replied that she did bed-and-breakfast but her name was Nellie Jones.  She then went on to explain that her husband was a painter and decorator, hence the name Nellie Painter.

-oOo-

1165. Out of the mouths of babes (8)

DJ, aged 4 (stepping onto the bathroom scales):  How much do I cost?

-oOo-

1164. British Humour (3)

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it.  You never know when you might need a nail.

Unknown origin.

-oOo-

1163. What we mean is what we don't say.... (112)

What we say:  I'm not being funny, but...

What we mean:  Actually I AM being funny - that's your queue to laugh.

What it says about us:  By using key phrases before I say what I want to say I prepare everybody to sit up and pay attention to "moi".

-oOo-

1163. At the mother-in-law's birthday party

Guest (female, 28):  I voted for him because he's so cute...

Gustavo (son-in-law, 40):  That's a good policy.  If you had voted for him because of his manifesto he may have let you down, but he'll always be cute, so it's win-win...

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with many thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

1162. Grumpy Old Quotes (40)

Ageing is when you hear 'snap, crackle, pop' before you get to breakfast.

Anon

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

1161. Dog Shaming (12)

-oOo-

1160. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (4)

Q:  In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A:  Very important.  Sex can only happen when  a male gets an election.

-oOo-

1159. Travel Stories (8)

A young tourist on a tour in Berlin, at Hitler's Bunker site:  "Hitler's first name was Adolf?  I thought it was 'Heil'..."

-oOo-

1158. Out of the mouths of babes... (10)

Little girl (4) with ear ache, wanting a pain killer and unable to take the lid of the bottle:  Why won't it open, Mummy?

Mother:  It's childproof darling, I'll open it for you.

Little girl:  (eyes wide)  But how does it know it's me?

-oOo-

1157. The secret is out...

Q:  Why do men get married?

A:   So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.

Unknown Origin

-oOo-

1156. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (126)

Harry was the eighth person I'd met with the surname Jones.  Everyone seemed to be called Jones, Williams, Davies or Evans.  To prevent confusion, the Welsh use nicknames, and nowhere is their teasing wit and love and language more apparent.

Most nicknames derive from a person's occupation, such as the builder I  heard of called Will-Five-Bricks, or the baker Dai-Bread, as in Dylan Thomas' Under Milkwood. 

My favourites were the two Evanses from a village in Carmarthenshire.  One was an undertaker, the other a travel agent.  The travel agent was known as Evans-There-and-Back, the undertaker as Evans-One-Way.

-oOo-

1155. Out of the mouths of babes (7)

Steven (3), hugging and kissing his mother good night:  I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.

-oOo-

1154. Overheard on the Underground/Tube/Subway, London in July 2006

"Ladies and Gentlemen,

The beeping noise means 'the doors are closing, do not get on'.  It does not mean 'try to force your way onto the train and get your rucksack stuck'.  Please remember this in future, thank you."

Victoria Line tube driver, Victoria Station, at 10 a.m., July 2006

-oOo-

1153. What we mean is what we don't say.... (111)

What we say:  I'm just being honest...

What we mean:  I'm keen to blurt out the truth without thinking of the consequences.

What it says about us:   I set honesty above all other virtues, such as tact, kindness, consideration for others, putting myself last... etc.

-oOo-

1152. It's that remote control again...

Recommendation: However hard you try, you won’t be able to make international phonecalls with the television’s remote control. (I haven’t tried local calls though).

Gustavo’s comment: This time I caught myself at it just in time and followed my own advice...

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

1151. Grumpy Old Quotes (39)

An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Loan Ranger.

Dan Rather

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

1150. Dog Shaming (11)

-oOo-

1149. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (3)

Q:  What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A:  If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

-oOo-

1148. Travel Stories (7)

"We were on a bus tour in New Zealand and everyone had to come up to the front of the bus and introduce themselves.  After an American had introduced himself as coming from '...the greatest country in the world - U.S.A.!!  U.S.A.!!', the next person got up and said 'Hi, my name is Tom, I come from a small island off the coast of the United States, called Great Britain.' "

-oOo-

1147. British Humour (2)

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean that all parachutes are perfect.

- Benny Hill

-oOo-

1146. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (125)

A guy who had trouble with his feet and even wore trainers to his own wedding was known as Dai-Quiet.

-oOo-

1145. British Humour (1)

"I said to this train driver:  'I want to go to Paris'.  He said: 'Eurostar?'  'Nah', I said, 'I auditioned for X-Factor but I didn't get chosen.' "

-oOo-

1144. Out if the mouths of babes (6)

Jack (3):  (Watching his mother breastfeed his new baby sister)....:  Why have you got two?  Is one for hot milk and one for cold milk?

-oOo-

1143. What we mean is what we don't say.... (110)

What we say:  In future...

What we mean:  I'm in charge here.

What it says about us: I'm the only one around here who knows how to maintain standards.

-oOo- 

1142. Unemployment

Wayne (45): It was all ‘Wayne do this’ and ‘Wayne do that’ – I was sick of it. I’m 45 years old – FOR-TY-FIVE, I’m nobody’s gofer, so I resigned.

Wayne’s friend (40): OK Wayne, but it was a good job – and you’re 45, it’s going to be difficult for you to get another job.

Wayne: Well, we’ll see whether I can get something straight away or not, but for now – you know what? - I’ve got respect.

Gustavo’s comment: Nice euphemistic way of saying I prefer to laze around scratching myself...

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

1141. Grumpy Old Quotes (38)

A lot of people like snow.  I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.

Carl Reiner

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

1140. Dog shaming (10)

-oOo-

1139. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (2)

Q:  How is dew formed?

A:  The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

-oOo-

1138. Travel Stories (6)

"A British friend of mine was walking down a quiet street in New York City using the map on his iPhone, when a mugger demanded his valuables.  Having had a few beers, my mate said to the mugger, "I'll give you my stuff, but could I just have my SIM card out of my phone.  It's going to be of no use to you but I'm travelling and it's got all my addresses and contact numbers."  Amazingly the mugger agreed and they spent the next five minutes working on how to get the SIM out - not an easy task on an iPhone.  When the SIM was handed over, my mate even thanked the thief as he walked away..."

-oOo-

1137. Robbie Williams on the Graham Norton Show

Graham Norton's show on BBC1, 24th November 2013.

Guests:  Robbie Williams (singer/popstar)

            Emma Thompson (Oscar-winning actress)

            Jimmy Carr (comedian)

Graham Norton congratulates Robbie Williams on the birth of his new baby, who thanks him gravely.  

Emma Thompson:  "Were you present at the birth?"

Robbie Williams:  "Yes, I was."

Emma Thompson:  "At the business end???"

Robbie Williams, pauses, sighs quietly and says slowly:  "Yes...  it was like watching my favourite pub burn down."

-oOo-

1136. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (124)

"My sister's name is Lynda.  Some years back she was having a lot of back problems.  The doctors eventually found out that her problem was that she had one leg slightly longer than the other.  When I found this out I started calling my sister Eileen (as in "I lean sideways").  My mother gave me a clip across the ear and told me off for being to cruel to my sister.  I still call her Eileen though."

-oOo-

1135. More Air Traffic Control Chatter (18)

Pilot, German airline:  Ve are at fifteen thousand, in and out the bottom.

Anonymous voice on frequency:  Vive le sport!

-oOo-

1134. Memorable Signs (62)

-oOo-

1133. What we mean is what we don't say.... (108)

What we say:  Let's keep in touch!  (OR)  Don't be a stranger!

What we mean:  Meh... I'm not bothered either way.

What it says about us:  At the time I wanted you to like me - but I'm unlikely to see you again, so it doesn't matter.

-oOo-

1132. In a coffee shop, Buenos Aires

Brat (female, 13): Ma, what’s the internet password?

Brat’s mother (35): Cecilia one, but I thought WiFi was for home only?

Brat: For goodness sake Ma, you don’t know anything. The internet is everywhere.

Brat’s mother: Aaah – I thought the password was for home only, sorry...

Brat: And anyway you’ve given me the wrong one because it won’t work.

Brat’s mother: Try Cecilia without the one.

Gustavo’s comment: Just for the record, in case you live next door to a mother who thinks her daughter knows everything but doesn’t really, the password was Cecilia1.

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

1131. Grumpy Old Quotes (37)

Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.

Victor Borge

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

1130. Dog Shaming (9)

-oOo-

1129. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (1)

Q:  Name the four seasons

A:  Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

-oOo-

1128. Travel Stories (5)

A Danish couple were spending a couple of months travelling in South America.  After two weeks the man turned to his partner and asked:  "What does 'Por favor' actually mean?"

-oOo-

1127. Huh?

-oOo-

1126. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (123)

An apprentice joiner was sent to build a new seat in an outside nettie (toilet). He cut a square hole in the seathole and henceforth was forever known as Squarehole-Johnson.

-oOo-

1125. More Air Traffic Control Chatter (17)

Pilot, UAL525:  What's this aircraft doing at my altitude!?

Control Tower:  UAL 525, what makes you think it's YOUR altitude, Captain?

-oOo-