863. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (7)

"The beach was too sandy."

-oOo-

862. What we man is what we don't say... (87)

What we say:  I don't want to go because (a) it's too far, and I've got a cold coming on.

What we mean:   ... and (b) I've got a cold coming on.

What is says about us:  I can't cope with more than a list of one.  I never seem to ever get further than (a)...

-oOo-

861. Celebrity Quotes (24)

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

-  William Shakespeare

-oOo-

860. Grumpy Old Quotes (11)

I know nothing about sex because I was always married.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

859. Answers to Hecklers (12)

Brendan Dodds:  "I'm sorry, I don't speak Orc."

-oOo-

858. Comebacks (16)

Man:  Hey there, haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Woman:  Yes, and that's why I don't go there anymore.

-oOo-

857. Kulula Airlines (10)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

-oOo-

856. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (96)

On the first morning of starting work as an apprentice in Ebbw Vale steel works I was told when I boarded the bus at Tredegar bus station not to sit on the front seat behind the driver because it belonged to Jimmy Oddsocks.  Sure enough, two stops on a man in his mid 40s boarded the bus wearing - you guessed it - odd socks.  From that day on every time I saw him he brought a smile to my face.

Gary Edmonds, Tredegar

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

855. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (13)

You would be out of your depth in a car park puddle.

-oOo-

854. Memorable Signs (34)

-oOo-

853. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (6)

A guest in a hotel threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff, when in fact she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

-oOo-

852. What we mean is what we don't say...(86)

What we say:  I don't wash my hair every day, I don't want to strip my scalp of its body oils.

What we mean:  I read this somewhere, though I admit the old body oils do seem to return to my head within hours...

What it says about us:  I hate washing my hair.

-oOo-

851. Celebrity Quotes (23)

What makes him think a middle-aged actor who's played with a chimp could have a future in politics?

- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel.

-oOo-

850. Grumpy Old Quotes (10)

I swear there are drugs in the upholstery of his chair.  Because honestly he just gets near the television and goes zzz... It's known as the drugged chair.

Dillie Keane, Grumpy Old Women

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

849. Answers to Hecklers (11)

Linda Smith:  "Rugby - a game for men with no fear of head injuries... and with no reason to fear them."

-oOo-

848. Quick Quips (1)

Q:  What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

 A:   Quatro sinko.

-oOo-

847. Kulula Airlines (9)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

-oOo-

846. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (95)

In Springfield, Pontllanfraith, there are many nicknames for the locals:

Dai-Top-House because he lives in the highest house in the village;

Fag-and-Purse, a lady whose name I will not mention, always walks with a fag and her purse in her hands;

Phlegm, for obvious reasons.

Steve Lindon, Pontllanfraith

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

845. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (12)

As a failure, you are a great success.

-oOo-

844. Memorable Signs (33)

-oOo-

843. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (5)

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

-oOo-

842. What we mean is what we don't say... (85)

What we say:  Yes, I'm tired too.  I'll switch off my computer in a minute...  Just let me finish this last Freecell, I've got to finish it...  Look, I'm nearly there... Of course it's the same Freecell as half an hour ago, I just haven't worked it out yet...

What we mean:  One of these days you're going to look over my shoulder and memorise the layout, and realise that I'm telling porky pies and I'm on my tenth game...

What is says about us:  When we're little we throw tantrums because we don't want to go to bed.  Now we're grown up we play Freecell instead.

-oOo-

841. Celebrity Quotes (22)

He is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron.

- Rex Reed on Sylvester Stallone.

-oOo-

840. Grumpy Old Quotes (9)

Your marraige is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing', and you can't remember what it is.

Milton Berle

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

839. Answers to Hecklers (10)

Richard Herring:  "If you're going to heckle, try to wait for a gap when I'm not talking so people can hear what you're saying."

-oOo-

838. Comebacks (14)

Brother: Why do you smell funny?

You: It's called Soap - don't think you've ever smelt it before...

-oOo-

837. Kulula Airlines (8)

This is repeated every time in case new readers can't follow what's going on in the picture:

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

-oOo-

836. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (94)

My father-in-law is always reminding my wife - who hails from Rhydfelin, Pontypridd - of the local resident who one day decided he'd had enough of being referred in the traditional way as 'Dai'.  His retort was that he was born 'David' and that's how people should refer to him.  Thereafter, he was known locally as Dai-call-me-David.

Lewis Jones from Church Village, Pontypridd

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

835. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (11)

A few beads short in her rosary?

-oOo-

834. Memorable Signs (32)

-oOo-

833. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (4)

"We booked an excursion to a water park but your rep never told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

-oOo-

832. What we mean is what we don't say (84)

We Say:  No, I won't have an ice-cream, thank you.

What we mean:  And you'd better not have one either.  If I'm being virtuous than the least you can do is keep me company...

What it says about us:  It's really made me fancy one now.  I may have to buy a few on the way home and keep them to myself...

-oOo-

831. Celebrity Quotes (21)

Shaw writes his plays for the ages...the ages between five and twelve.

- George Nathan on George Bernard Shaw

-oOo-

830. Grumpy Old Quotes (8)

We do not squabble, fight or have rows.  We collect grudges.  We're in an arms race, storing up warheads for the domestic Armageddon.

Hugh Leonard

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

829. Answers to Hecklers (9)

Russel Kane:  "Why don't you do into that corner and finish evolving?"

-oOo-

828. Comebacks (13)

Boss:  Employees like that don't grow on trees you know...

You:  How true Sir, they normally swing underneath them...

-oOo-

827. Kulula Airlines (7)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

-oOo-

826. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (93)

...From Penrhiwfer there was Trefor-the-Milk (the milkman), Davies-the-Post of Williamstown Post Office, and Dai Twitch (originally from Tonyrefail) who had a severe nervous twitch.

Derwyn Williams from Figtree, Australia

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

825. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (10)

A few clowns short of a circus?

-oOo-

824. Memorable Signs (31)

-oOo-

823. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (3)

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.  I don't like spicy food at all."

-oOo-

822. Overheard at the hospital

Three girls striding briskly down the corridor, clearly admin employees on their way to the canteen for lunch.  I come across them as they burst simultaneously through the swing doors, necessitating a quick dodge out of the way by me to avoid being trampled upon.

Girl One:  I mean, don't get me wrong, I like her and Ally and everything, but it would never occur to them to put a ream of paper in the copier, juno-wha-ah-mean?

Girl Two:  Ooh defintly

Girl Three:  Same in our office - the secretary NEVER gets the coffee.  Ah mean, I know she doesn't drink coffee, but we always offer HER coffee, juno-wha-ah-mean?

Girl One:  Defintly

-oOo-

821. Celebrity Quotes (20)

He could start a row in an empty house.

- Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise.

-oOo-

820. Grumpy Old Quotes (7)

Mel Gibson, when asked if he knew 'what women want' -

"After about 20 years of marriage, I'm finally starting to scratch the surface of that one.  And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate."

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

819. Answers to Hecklers (8)

Heckler:  I don't come here to think.

Bill Hicks:  Well tell me where you do go and I'll meet you there.

-oOo-

818. Comebacks (12)

Friend:  I've changed my mind...

You:  Excellent, so does the new one work better?

-oOo-

817. Kulula Airlines (6)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

-oOo-

816. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (92)

Back in the sixties in Cardiff I remember so many nicknames.  Nearly everyone I knew had one.  Mine was Pretty-Boy-Schultz because I always wore a suit with all the accessories. I think the name was a mix up of the gangsters Pretty Boy Floyd and Duch Schultz.

There was Jimmy-the-Pig whose father Benny-the-Belly had a pig farm; Dai-the-Whip who used to drive the horse and cart for his dad who sold salt and vinegar; Joey-the-Runner was always starting fights and then running off.

There was Titchie Davies and Nipper Eedy because they were small; John-the-Block because he was a bit thick; George-the-Cockney; Freddy-the-Fly who was Spanish; Prick Finger, a black bus conductor who had huge hands; Deaf-Geoff.

Norman, who said he wanted a normal name became Normal-Norman; Felix because he was a scaredy-cat; Happy Smith; Bongo Kelly a drummer; Dog-Turd-Tommy who came into the juicer (pub) with dog crap on his shoe.

There were the three short fat girls Lumpy, Dumpty and Stumpy; Moonface, she had a round face; Olive-the-Owl because she had big eyes and a pointy nose; Bootnose the ex-boxer; and Peek-a-Boo Palmer who was caught looking through his neighbour's window.

Viv Gregson, Portsmouth

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

815. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (9)

A titanic intellect... in a world full of icebergs.

-oOo-

814. Memorable Signs (30)

-oOo-