594. What we mean is what we don't say (47)

What we say:  My Sat-Nav is crap.

What we mean:  I don't know how to work my Sat-Nav properly.

What is says about us:  I don't carry A-Z's in the car...

-oOo-

593. What we mean is what we don't say (46)

What we say:  I got lost.

What we mean:  Your instructions were crap.

What is says about us:  I don't carry A-Z's in the car...

-oOo-

592. Questions & Answers on an Australian tourism Website (5)

Q:  Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A:  Af-ri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.  Aust-ra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... Oh forget it.  Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross.  Come naked.

-oOo-

591. I know people like this....

(Double-click to enlarge)

-oOo-

590. Cool Dude

-oOo-

589. I'm workin' I tell ya!!

-oOo-

588. When animals have something to say (9)

-oOo-

587. The writing on the wall...

-oOo-

586. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (70)

We have a Dai-Turbo, he shuffles along about two miles per hour.  My favourite is Dai-Nose-and-Glasses, for obvious reasons.

Alan Watkins, Oakdale

-oOo-

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

585. Glorious Insults from the Past (14)

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."  Paul Keating

-oOo-

584. Hi Tech - hot air?

-oOo-

583. Memorable signs (7)

-oOo-

582. Einstein was a soya grower...

Daughter (11):  In your opinion was Einstein a genius?

Gustavo (38):  He was very clever...

Daughter:  Yes, but he couldn't do arabic dancing, or play golf.

Gustavo:  Well, one can't know everything, but he knew a lot in his field...

Daughter:  Ah, he had a field, did he?

Gustavo:  No my love, his field, it's as if to say his subject, his speciality (gives her a kiss)

Daughter:  Why are you kissing me?

Gustavo:  Better than cuffing you...

Daughter:  Pa, I'm serious.

Gustavo:  So am I.

(Gustavo's comment:  Einstein grew soya in his field)

(Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.)

-oOo-

581. Questions & Answers on an Australian Tourism Website (4)

Q:  Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia?  Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay?  (UK)

A:  What did your last slave die of?

-oOo-

580. Hang on a minute, I need both hands for this...

-oOo-

579. When animals have something to say (8)

-oOo-

578. I know what you mean...

-oOo-

577. Gone to buy new shoes?

-oOo-

576. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (69)

There was a man called David who ran an upholstery business in Georgetown, Merthyr Tydfil, who became known as Dai-the-Up.

Karen, Littlehampton

-oOo-

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

575. Glorious Insults from the Past (13)

"He's not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."  Samuel Johnson

-oOo-

574. Memorable signs (6)

-oOo-

573. Generation Gap

Girl (28):  Are you an idiot or what - you wait for me to put my iPod in my ear and then you start talking...

Man (36):  No, it's you that puts the Walkman in your ear just when I'm about to say something.

(Gustavo's comment:  He looked young, but if he says 'Walkman' he must be over 35...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

572. Partnership

-oOo-

571. Questions & Answers on an Australian Tourism Website (3)

Q:  I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?  (Sweden).

A:  Sure, it's only three thousand miles.  Take lots of water.

-oOo-

570. Lucky dog...

"An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.  An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar:  'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with a non stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?' "

-oOo-

569. When animals have something to say (7)

-oOo-

568. It's got a lot to say ...for a car...

-oOo-

567. What we mean is what we don't say (41)

We say:  I'm running late.

We mean:  Got up late, left late, I'm telling you now so that you don't nag when you see me.

What is says about us:  Was up late, slept through the alarm...

-oOo-

566. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (68)

A miner in Elliots Colliery in New Tredegar had an accident where had part of his ear taken off.  His nickname was Van Gogh.

James Hughes

-oOo-

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

565. Glorious Insults from the Past (12)

"I've just learned about his illness.  Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S Cobb

-oOo-

564. Memorable signs (5)

-oOo-

563. Great Expectations (in Buenos Aires)

Woman on mobile phone (43):  It's not the way to behave with me, it's not the way to behave with your brothers and sisters, and it's not the way to behave with your companions.  What are you playing at?

(Gustavo's comment:  At being president?)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

562. What we mean is what we don't say (40)

We say:  I'm feeling rough.

We mean:  I'm unwell enough to stay away from work thank goodness.

What it says about us:  Too many pints of beer/glasses of wine last night.  What am I like...

-oOo-

561. Questions & Answers on an Australian Tourism Website (2)

Q:  Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?  (USA)

A:  Depends how much you've been drinking.

-oOo-

560. The perfect husband

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked.  "Incredible!"

Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "what the heck, I'll treat her".

So we walked past it again.

-oOo-

559. When animals have something to say (6)

-oOo-

558. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Joke Series

A tourist stopped to chat with a Cardi* farmer who was putting up a building.

"What are you building?" he asked.

"Well, if I can let it, it's a rustic cottage" said the farmer, "and if I can't, it's a cow shed."

*Cardi = Cardiganshire

-oOo-

http://www.welshjokes.com/jokes/welshisms

557. What we mean is what we don't say (39)

We say:  I'm not well, I woke up with a really really sore throat this morning.

We mean:  I'm unwell enough to stay away from work thank goodness...

What it says about us: I've probably been snoring again.

-oOo-

556. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (67)

My great-grandfather was known as Shunko-one-side because he was born with some kind of deformity.  My brother who went to the Boys Grammar School, Aberdare had a teacher whose nickname was Conch because he had been a conscientious objector during World War II.

Anna in Rome, formerly of Aberdare.

-oOo-

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

555. Glorious Insults from the Past (11)

"He is a self-made man who worships his creator."  John Bright

-oOo-

554. Memorable Signs (4)

-oOo-

553. Don't forget to remember...

Gustavo (38):  Don't forget to tell her tomorrow?

Daughter (11):  Tell her what?

(She's already forgotten...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

552. What we mean is what we don't say (38)

We say:  I didn't sleep a WINK last night.

We mean:  Honestly, I didn't close my eyes ONCE.  How dare you not believe me?

What it says about us:  Well, maybe I nodded off now and then for a few seconds...or minutes.... or more... but how else do I convey to you the extent of my suffering?

-oOo-

551. Questions & Answers on an Australian Tourism Website (1)

Q:  Does it ever get windy in Australia?  I have never seen it rain on TV - so how do the plants grow?  (UK)

A:  We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them die.

-oOo-

550. Glorious Insults from the Past (10)

"I feel so miserable without you.  It's almost like having you here."

- Stephen Bishop

-oOo-

549. When animals have something to say... (5)

-oOo-

548. Washing Instructions

-oOo-

547. What we mean is what we don't say... (37)

We say:  I'm not well, I've been up all night with sickness and diarrhoea.

We mean:  Actually it was once each before bedtime.

What it says about us:  It was horrible.  I deserve not to have to come to work after all that suffering.

-oOo-

546. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (66)

My great grandfather was from Cwm and he was nicknamed Ike Pidgeon, which is a coincidence because there is a man called Dillwyn from Cwm who's claiming his father was also nicknamed Ike Pidgeon.  My other great grandfather was known as Pecker and I never actually plucked up the courage to ask him WHY!!!

Tara Williams from Blackwood.

-oOo-

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

545. Glorious insults from the past (9)

George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill:  I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play.  Bring a friend, if you have one.

Winston Churchill to George Bernard Shaw:  Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one.

-oOo-