232. Art Imitating Life? (1)

Background:  The hospital where I work has launched a project to brighten up the corridors and make them less institution-like.  The above picture is a triptych which we have observed the lady artist working on for the last few weeks.  Finally three men from the Estates Department in their dark green uniforms came with their drills and screws to put it up.  As I was passing they had just finished and were standing against the opposite wall surveying their handiwork with very obvious puzzled looks on their faces.

Man 1:  (scratching his head)  Yeah but.... what IS it?

Man 2:  I tell you what it is.  It's me auntie's hernia.

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231. Cat Dictionary Series (29)

Scene:  It’s pelting with rain outside.  Man opens the front door and calls the cats, and presently two soggy, furry balls emerge from under the woman’s car which is parked on the drive, streak across the lawn and dash inside, wet through.  They know the drill.  They run into the kitchen and jump onto the chair and the kitchen steps respectively, while the man dries them off with paper towels, chiding them gently for going out in the rain.  They purr as they start to warm up again.

Translation:  I think it’s time we started demanding warmed towels for this procedure.  Those paper towels take too long.  Right, that’s enough.  Snack now please.

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230. Memorial Plaque Series (40). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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229. Exam Papers (5 of 25)

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228. All-time Favourite Joke Series

Background: A little boy doing his maths homework

Little Boy: (to himself) Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven; three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine….

Mother: (horrified) What are you doing?

Little Boy: Maths homework

Mother: And is this the way your teacher taught you to do it?

Little Boy: Yep

(Next day mother visited the teacher)

Mother: What are you teaching my son in maths right now?

Teacher: We’re doing addition at the moment.

Mother: Would you explain to me why you’re teaching them to say “two plus two, the son of a bitch is four”?

Teacher: (trying not to laugh) What I’ve taught them to say is “two plus two, the sum of which is four"....

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227. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (6 of 11)

Directory Enquiries – caller is asking for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator:  “Woven”?  Are you sure?

Caller:  Yes, that’s what it says on the label – “Woven in Scotland”.

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226. Memorial Plaque Series (39). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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225. Welsh Idiosyncrasies. Nickname Series (3)

More nicknames from the 30s and 40s in Llantwit Major –

Ianto Full Pelt – always moving fast;

Tom Fire Dropper – worked for the railway, lighting the fires in the engines;

Empty Handed Arthur – always carrying home bundles of sticks;

Maggie the Dribble – collected for the Christmas Club.

Source: Graham from Cardiff

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

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224. Religious Instruction Junior Exam

Question: By which name were the people who followed the Lord known?

Reply: The 12 decibels

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223. Exam Papers (4 of 25)

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222. Memorial Plaque Series (38). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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221. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (5 of 11)

Directory Enquiries

Caller:               I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please.

Operator:          I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?

Caller:               Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.

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220. Welsh Idiosyncrasies. Nickname Series (4)

There were numerous nicknames in Llantwit Major in the Thirties and Forties.  Here are some:

A butcher who had a shop opposite the pub:  Dai In and Out

Another butcher:  Dai Lower Shop

A third butcher named for the way he walked:  Dai Walla Bounce

A man who used to walk on his toes:  Tulip

Graham from Cardiff

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

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219. The right answer at the right time (1 of 5)

Scene:  Mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane.

Flight attendant (25):  Would you like dinner?

Man seated in front row (25):  What are my choices?

Flight attendant:  Yes or no.

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218. Memorial Plaque Series (37). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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217. Sunday School (1)

In reply to a question from the Sunday School teacher –

Female Pupil (8):  The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

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216. Family Trouble

Bloke (47):  No, I’m telling you, it’s a right fuck-up, cos me brovver's a dickhead, me other ‘alf can’t stand me brovver’s wife, so I says to them I says “we’re goin’ away”, but someone came by the ‘ouse and sussed out that we was inside, and there was all hell to pay, and blimey talk about a family bust up....

(Very!) loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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215. Exam Papers (3 of 25)

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214. Memorial Plaque Series (36). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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213. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (4 of 11)

Caller: (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France)
If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?

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212. Welsh Idiosyncrasies. Nickname Series (3)

Historian Ralph Thomas’ record of his favourite Welsh Nicknames

There was a colliery supervisor who was known as Thin Scale, which had two possible origins:

One theory is that he used to cadge a "thin scale" of tobacco from his men.

The other concerns his rash judgment of an unsafe pit roof.  "It's only a bit of thin scale, pull it down!", he reportedly said.  The roof promptly collapsed - and it took two shifts to clear the resulting rubble.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

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211. Word Wobble (17)

Daughter just back from kindergarden (5):  Dad what’s a penis?

Dad: (uncertainly)  Well…. You know how little boys have a widdle… have you ever seen a little boy having a widdle?

Daughter:  Yes… (puzzled)

Dad:  So what he wees out of is his penis….

Daughter: …Oh… then why did they say at school that we can’t have singing lessons without the penis?  Mrs Proctor plays the piano but she wasn’t there today.  But I don’t think she wees like little boys…?

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210. Memorial Plaque Series (35). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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209. Cat Dictionary Series (28)

Scene: There’s two inches of snow on the ground outside, and the man can’t understand why Banjo and Rusty won’t go out for their customary ‘constitutional’ before bedtime.  This is to avoid them using the litter tray in the night. He chides them for not indulging the usual routine he imposes upon them.

Translation:  With those thick clodhoppers you wear on your feet, not to mention the smelly socks you’re rarely parted from, I don’t suppose the small detail about that white stuff being wet and very cold on the paws would cross your mind, would it?  And we’ve never crapped on your carpet yet, have we?  So cut the cackle and give us something to eat instead.

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208. On the train, Buenos Aires

Chavette (23):  Yeh, my friend came round and I mixed her a cocktail – a mosquito.

Chav (23):  And what’s that then?

Chavette:  Rhum and mint, you know, the herb...

Chav:  That’s a mojito, not a mosquito…

Chavette:  Well, anyway, she drank it.

(Gustavo’s comment:  Mojito brain…)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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207. Exam papers (2 of 25)

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206. Memorial Plaque Series (34). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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205. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (3 of 11)

RAC Motoring Services

Caller:  Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?

Operator:  Doesn't the product name give you a clue?

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204. Garden Party, Buckingham Palace

Background

Hilda and George have been faithful members of the Scout movement in Bristol for many years, rendering countless services to the association they so heartily believe in.  In recognition of their marvellous efforts they have been rewarded with an invitation from Her Majesty herself to attend one of her famous garden parties at Buckingham Palace.  There is great excitement, and new clothes are purchased for the great day.  They immediately reject the plan to take the car, in view of parking problems and the expense.  The train will be cheaper and less stressful anyway.

Timings are carefully rehearsed to ensure they do not arrive late, which in fact results in them leaving for Bristol Temple Meads railway station very early.  Despite their care they are both a little stressed, and unused to wearing such smart clothes in the morning.  They settle into their carriage, and a couple of stations flash by.  For want of anything better to do, Hilda gets the invitation out of her handbag…

Hilda (60):  …er…George…

George (65):  Oh what NOW.

Hilda:  Well, it says here that showing the invitation isn’t enough.  You have to show proof of identity, preferably passports.  Have you brought anything?

George:  …… you were hanging on to the invitation.  Didn’t you read it?

Hilda:  Not that bit…. What do we do?

With panic rising George thinks fast and rings his daughter back at home.  They alight at the next station – Reading – and leaving Hilda on a bench, George crosses the line and takes the train back to Bristol.  Their daughter is waiting for him on the platform with their passports, and he then races back across the line and takes the train back to Reading station.  He collects Hilda from the bench and they take the next train to London.

Although they have allowed plenty of time, they hadn’t envisaged this sort of problem, and they realise that there will not be enough time to get across London to Buckingham Palace by public transport.  Their stress levels overflowing, not to mention their tempers, they are therefore forced to go against their principles and take a taxi.

However they arrive in the nick of time, and all goes smoothly.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:  (stopping to speak to them briefly as she proceeds across the garden)  I see you’ve been members of the Scout Movement for many years.  How wonderful.  I imagine you’re terribly well organised.

George:  Oh yes Mam.

(With thanks to Karen)

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203. Welsh Idiosyncrasies. Nickname Series (3)

I’ve described recently how much I liked Welsh nicknames, and gave a few examples.  Since then I have found a website –

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml,

where historian Ralph Thomas from Blackwood describes how many of these nicknames came about.  Welsh contributors have added their own examples to the site, making it a valuable record and hilarious reading.  I will publish them here a little at a time, to stretch your enjoyment for as long as possible, and will always credit the contributor where known. 

Ralph Thomas described a small mining village which had six men by the name of Dai Williams.  Three of them were named thus:
.

      (1)   Dai Black Rabbit after a racehorse he used to place regular bets on;

(2)   Dai Good Cheese after his favourite lunch;

(3)   Dai Tut Tut because of his stutter.

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202. Memorial Plaque Series (33). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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201. Sophie at the Supermarket (2)

Scene:  As they walk up and down the aisles with the trolley, Sophie is chatting animatedly to her mother about a cartoon she had been watching before they came out.  Without drawing breath, she then says in her little treble voice:

Sophie, aged 7:  Mummy – about babies.

Mother: (warily and with some dread):   Yeeeees?

Sophie:  Well, you see I know how babies grow in your tummy, and I know how they get out.  But what I don’t know is how they get IN...

Mother (sighing before the inevitable, aware of the smiling faces around her):  Uh...

Sophie (without pausing):  Can I have a Kit Kat?

With thanks to Liz.

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200. Sophie at the Supermarket (1)

Scene:  Sophie’s mother has explained to her why Daddy was in hospital this week having a special operation and that she won’t be having any more brothers and sisters.  Sophie didn’t appear to be paying attention.  Later that day, at the crowded supermarket, they’re looking at the rows of packets of lentils...

Sophie aged 7, in a clear piping voice:  It’s such a shame that Daddy’s lost all his seeds.

With thanks to Liz

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199. All-time Favourite Jokes Series – Out of the mouths of babes… (5)

Scene:  A mother is six months pregnant with her third child.  Her three year-old comes into the room when she is just getting ready to get into the shower.
 

Three year old child (female):  Mummy, you’re getting fat!

Mother:  Yes, sweetheart, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.

 
Child:  Yes I know, but what's growing in your bum?

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198. Memorial Plaque Series (32). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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197. Welsh Idiosyncrasies. Nickname Series (2)

More from Lynda of Penarth, who told me in post № 181 about the shopkeeper in Bargoed who had his own way of recording the accounts of the various neighbours – in this case, all people named Thomas:

A large lady:           Mrs Thomas Fat

A lady whose stockings were frequently at half mast: Mrs Thomas Gaiters

A good mnemonic:  Mrs Thomas ‘Thomas Street’

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196. On a British Airways flight just before takeoff

Lady Passenger № 1 (28):  I hope we arrive on time in Bristol – my timings are bit tight…

Lady Passenger № 2 (40):  I’ve got bad news for you – this flight is going to Glasgow not Bristol.

Lady № 1:  Oh my God – no, this is a Bristol flight!

Lady № 2:  I think you’ll find we’re going to Glasgow – but let’s check with the stewardess.

……

Stewardess:  This is a flight to Bristol.  I’ll check with the Captain whether we can get you off the plane.

Lady № 2:  But I want to go to Glasgow, somebody checked me in, I want this plane to take me to Glasgow…

With thanks to Julie.

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195. Exam papers (1 of 25)

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194. Memorial Plaque Series (31). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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193. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (2 of 11)

Samsung Electronics

Caller:  Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?

Operator:  I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.

Caller:   (Impatiently) On page 1, section 5 of the User Guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning.  Now, can you give me the number for Jack?

Operator:  I think you mean the telephone point on the wall.

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192. Orchestra Blues (2)

Unfortunately Eric the horn player was struck down with mastoiditis after a few months, and it was touch and go whether he would have to give up his musical career, as his hearing was badly affected.  He certainly couldn’t tolerate playing the horn.  During his time away from work and feeling pretty low, he had reason to visit the headquarters of the Bournemouth Orchestra during one of their rehearsals, and bumped into Stan.

Stan:  Well hello then, how’s the mastoid?

Eric:  Not too good...

Stan:  I’ve heard you may have to give up playing altogether, so can I have your instrument?

With thanks to Eric.

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191. Orchestra Blues (1)

Background:  Eric, a musician friend of mine, was a young horn player with the Bournemouth Orchestra in the 1950s.  Back then he was shy but very keen, always willing to put in extra hours and help his colleagues.  However there was a fellow horn player – Stan - he found very difficult to get on with, and on the occasions when they had to share a score Stan could be relied upon to complain about something – Eric sat too close, he turned the pages over at the wrong time, and so on. 

One day Eric overheard that Stan was being evicted by his landlord and was looking for an apartment to rent.  The ins and outs of flat-hunting and tenancy laws began to wear thin after a while, and eventually Eric asked him why he didn’t just go back to live locally with his parents.

Stan:  Oh no, it’s too far from the shops.

With thanks to Eric.

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190. Memorial Plaque Series (30). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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189. Holiday Blues

Background:  She is a highly organised individual, listmaker supreme and the tidiest mind I know.  Some years ago she and her husband decided to cross hemispheres to have a long faraway holiday involving several mini breaks and stopovers within the holiday.  Unwilling to hand over the responsibility of its coordination to an agent, she planned it efficiently and meticulously, compiling numerous interrelated charts and lists.  Means of travel at every stage? Tick. Budget? Tick. Right clothes – and only what was strictly necessary to enable them to travel light? Tick. Medication ordered in advance?  Tick. Visas, overseas driving licences? Double tick.  All set, they departed for Heathrow airport, and once there headed for the correct check-in desk.

Check-in hostess:  Passports and tickets please....  excuse me, this passport does not agree with the name on the ticket.

A stressful conversation ensued.

What he didn't say:  For crying out loud, she’s brought her daughter’s passport by mistake!  Little Miss Perfect – I DON’T think... What do we do now?

What she didn’t say:  Why must I have to think of everything – he could have checked them...

Him:  (annoyed) Well I’ll have to go on ahead on my own, and you join me as soon as possible, say a day late...

Check-in hostess:  Ah, but just a moment Sir, you’ve brought an out of date passport – look, it’s got the edge clipped off by the Home Office.  So where’s your new one?  (Sees his flushed face) – ah... at home I take it?

What he and she said:  Censored

(PS:  There was a grumpy and recriminatory return home, and the holiday was eventually started three days late.  The travel charts had to be torn up...)

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188. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (1 of 11)

Customer:  I've been ringing 08002100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?

Operator at Travel Centre:  Where did you get that number from?

Customer:   It was on the door to the Travel Centre.

Operator:  That’ll be because they are our opening hours.

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187. Ted said…

Cousin Caroline (57):  So you remember Granny then?

Cousin Ted (54):  You bet – I remember she made semolina for me once.  It was so much I didn’t know if I should eat it or swim across it.

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186. Memorial Plaque Series (29). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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185. Cat Dictionary Series (27)

Scene:  The woman is stroking and nuzzling Banjo, and suddenly realises that she can smell engine oil on his fur.  Wrinkling her nose, she asks him why on earth he stinks of engine oil – where’s he been?

Translation:  Hello…? – it’s raining?  I was 2 doors up under the Merc, wouldn’t be seen dead under your manky old Skoda.

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184. All-time Favourite Jokes Series - Sunday Wisdom

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.  All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said - 

“That is a very pretty dress.  Is it your Easter Dress?”

The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone –

“Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.”

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