1073. Overheard on the London underground/tube/subway (6)

After a five minute wait for doors to shut on tube, driver makes an announcement:

"For those of you who have just joined us, we've been slightly held up by a passenger emergency alarm being activated in one of the rear carriages, as one passenger was unfortunately taken ill.  Just so you know, she has now been thrown out and thoroughly beaten up for making you all wait here unnecessarily.  For consideration to others therefore, if anyone else feels like passing out, could you please try and hold on until we get to Stratford.  Thanks."

Overheard by Rob, waiting at Canada Water, Jubilee Line, just after midnight.

http://overheardlondon.livejournal.com

-oOo-

1072. Getting busy with the fizzy...

Recommendation: If your wife tells you five or six thousand times ‘don’t put fizzy drinks in the baby’s sippy cup with the straw’, follow her advice because otherwise when you snap the lid closed the drink inevitably gushes out of the straw like a fountain and goes on, and on, and on...

Gustavo’s comment: As usual, I didn’t follow my own recommendation.

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

1071. Overheard at the hospital

Hospital postmen as they trundle down the main corridor with their mail trolleys:

Postman 1:  That Charley, he's a right peril, doesn't know what he's doin'...

Postman 2:  Why sat den?

Postman 1:  You know Trym Ward, upstairs?  They've been getting shitloads of post from all over the place, couldn't understand it.  They had to investigate, and found it was good ole' Charley.

Postman 2:  Was he delivering all his post to one place so's he didn't have to bother with the rest?

Postman 1:  Nope.  He was reading on the envelopes that they were addressed to "Southmead Hospital, Westbury-on-Trym, Bristol" so he reckons what they meant was Trym Ward...  Poor sods got the post for the whole hospital for a couple of days....

Postman 2:  That Charley, he's a card, inn' 'e?

-oOo-

1070. Dog Shaming (3)

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1069. Grumpy Old Quotes (30)

My memory is going.  I brush my teeth, and then 10 minutes later I go back and have to feel the toothbrush.  Is it wet?  Did I just brush them?

Terry Gillam

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

1068. Dog Shaming (2)

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1067. Kulula Airlines (31)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights. Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system. The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

-oOo-

1066. Welsh idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (117)

My cousin from Morganstown is named David David, and was known as Dai Squared.

Bob David, Pembroke

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1065. Actions louder than words

-oOo-

1064. Memorable Signs (55)

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1063. Overheard on the London Underground/Tube (5)

Announcement over the PA system:

'We are now travelling through Baker Street.  As you can see, Baker Street is closed.  It would have been nice if they had actually told me so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that.'

-oOo-

1062. What we mean is what we don't say...(103)

What we say:  "We must be environmentally conscious, be 'green', tread lightly..."

What we don't say:  As long as it doesn't inconvenience me too much or impinge on my quality of life.

What we mean:  If I want to travel by plane on my six holidays a year it's none of your business.

-oOo-

1061. Cuttings from British Newspapers (6)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden.  He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled - 

"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler' "

Bournemouth Evening Echo

-oOo-

1060. Dog Shaming (1)

-oOo-

1059. Grumpy Old Quotes (29)

You know you're over the hill when the only whistles you get are from the tea kettle.

Anon

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

1058. A bigger playground

Chav dials on his mobile.

Chav (28):  I called you yesterday and you cut me off........so see how I’m cutting you off now. (Hangs up)

Mobile:  ring ring ring

Chav:  Hi.......... ah so you think I’m an asshole for cutting you off? – OK, I’ll save you the trouble of having to talk to an asshole.  (Hangs up).

Gustavo’s comment:  Grown up, aren't we?

-oOo-

(With thanks to Gustavo.  This was loosely translated from Gustavo's eavesdropping blog Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana)

1057. Kulula Airlines (30)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights. Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system. The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

.
Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

-oOo-

1056. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (116)

A ventilation officer was called Billy-Fresh-Air.

Glyn Smith, Cwmtillery

-oOo-

1055. Remotely speaking

Recommendation:  You can try checking whether it's got batteries, you can try pressing the buttons more firmly, or stand up on tip toe and stretch out your arm as far as it will go so as to be that bit closer, but you'll never manage to switch on the air-conditioning using the television's remote control.

(Obviously I didn't follow my own advice)

Loosely translated from one of the posts on Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

1054. Memorable Signs (54)

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1053. Overheard on the London Underground (4)

'Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together.  All together now:  "Ten green bottles hanging on the wall..." '

-oOo-

1052. What we mean is what we don't say... (102)

What we say:  "I'll see you".

What we don't say:  Maybe.

What we mean:  I'm not sure I'll want to see you, or when, but saying that puts off the decision.

-oOo-

1051. Cuttings from British newspapers (5)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed.  The latter replied that he was sorry but he didn't have a gauge.  However, if it was any help the wind has just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.

(Aberdeen Evening Express)

-oOo-

1050. Seemed like a good idea at the time...

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1083. Overheard on the London underground/tube/subway (7)

Ladies and gentlemen, the beeping noise means 'the doors are closing, do not get on'.  It does NOT mean 'try to force your way onto the train and get your rucksack stuck'.  Please remember this in future.  Thank you."

Victoria Line tube driver, Victoria Station, about 10 a.m.

http://overheardlondon.livejournal.com

-oOo-

1049. Grumpy Old Quotes (28)

If God had meant us to walk around naked, he would never have invented the wicker chair.

Erma Bombeck. 

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

1048. Christmas spirit

Skinny bloke (22):  Wot you doin’ for Christmas den?

Skinnier bloke (20):   Nothin’ cause we’re Jewish, see

Skinny bloke:  So wossat gotta do with it?

Skinnier bloke:  Cos’ we don’t believe in Jesus.

Skinny bloke:  Wossat gotta do with it? In my house they’re all atheists, and we celebrate Santa Clause, not Jesus.

Gustavo’s comment:  There’s always a reason for raising a glass... 

-oOo-

(With thanks to Gustavo.  This was loosely translated from Gustavo's eavesdropping blog Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana)

1047. Kulula Airlines (29)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights. Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system. The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

-oOo-

1046. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (115)

I worked with a man at the Celynen North pit who was called Dai One-Eater because he only had one tooth.

Norman Williams, Abercarn

-oOo-

1045. At the traffic lights, Buenos Aires

Earnest lady, 49: See, first and foremost I’m honest with myself, then with others – and what I have to tell you is not to offend you because it’s true, and there’s no point in your taking offence, and anyway if I don’t tell you I’m offending myself…

Gustavo's Comment:  What a pain – the lights changed and I had no excuse to continue my ear-wigging. She was a bit round-the-houses though, wasn’t she?

Loosely translated from a post on Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

1044. Memorable Signs (53)

-oOo-

1043. Overheard on the London Underground/Tube (3) - heading for Plaistow

Announcer: This is the next train to Plystow... or Plarstow. As you prefer, really. It's going there anyway. Alright, mind the doors, ladies and gentlemen, mind the doors... Or wait for the driver. He'll be ready in a minute. Yep, there we go. Mind the doors.

(He was still rambling as we pulled out of the station)

http://overheardlondon.livejournal.com

-oOo-

                             

1042. What we mean is what we don't say ... (101)

What we say:  I'll telephone you/e-mail you.

What we don't say:  Maybe...

What we mean:  Well I can't very well tell you I have no intention of contacting you, can I?

-oOo-

1041. Cuttings from British Newspapers (4)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster.  A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".

The Times

-oOo-

1040. Once a cynic...

-oOo-

1039. Grumpy Old Quotes (27)

She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when".

P.G. Wodehouse

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

1038. At the Ice-cream Parlour

Bruce’s friend (6):  This is my friend Bruce

Bruce’s friend’s mother (35):  Aha, yes, Bruce Wayne

Bruce: (6)  That’s right

Bruce’s friend’s mother:  You’re Batman then...

Bruce:  NO, I’m BRUCE WAYNE

Bruce friend’s mother:  But didn’t you know that Batman’s real name is Bruce Wayne?

Bruce:  No, I knew that Batman was called Batman.

Gustavo’s comment:  If your surname is Wayne you simply can’t call your poor kid Bruce – he’ll be teased for the rest of his life...

-oOo-

(With thanks to Gustavo.  This was loosely translated from Gustavo's eavesdropping blog Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana)

1037. Kulula Airlines (28)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights. Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system. The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate."

-oOo-

1036. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (114)

I'm a girl from a Valleys village, and the man who digs the graves is called Brown-Boots cos he always has mud on his boots - I don't know his real name.

Melanie Sandel, Beford

-oOo-

1035. Out of the mouths of babes...

Little girl aged 7:  Mummy, where's Tri-ass?

Mother (uncertainly):  I don't know darling, who said it?

Little girl:  It's our teacher, when she can't find something she says "These things are sent to Tri-ass..."

-oOo-

1034. Memorable Signs (52)

-oOo-

1033. Overheard on the London Underground/Tube (2)

"Ladies and gentlemen - your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B Syndrome, i.e., not knowing his elbow from his backside.  I'll let you know of any further information as soon as I'm given any."

-oOo-

1032. What we mean is what we don't say... (100)

What we say:  Have a cup of tea to cool you down.

What we don't say:  You're boiling hot and I'm suggesting you have boiling water to drink...

What we mean:  I don't know what I mean.  But my ancestors believed it was refreshing, so I believe it too.  Drink up.

-oOo-

1031. Cuttings from British newspapers (3)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description.  It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

(The Guardian)

-oOo-

1030. At doctor's surgery

Doctor (30):  And would you go to any old mechanic, or to one recommended to you?

Gustavo (40):  Well, no, I go to one recommended to me...

Doctor:  You see?  People look after their cars better than their own bodies.

Gustavo:  OK, but the car doesn't have medical insurance.

Doctor:  Yeah, but you can't get spare parts for bodies...

Gustavo:  I beg your pardon?  So what did I have two children for then?

Doctor:  Yes, you're right!!! (LOL)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with many thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

1029. Grumpy Old Quotes (26)

Dentures:  Two rows of artificial ivories that may be removed periodically to frighten one's grandchildren or provide accompaniment to Spanish music.

Anon

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

1028. Masculine Wiles

Work colleague (female, 52):  ... so that’s how it works with men.  If they give you a pair of shoes it means they want to have sex with you.

Gustavo  (male, 45):  Aaaah – and if they give you a pack of condoms, does that mean they want to go for a walk?

(Gustavo’s comment:  I’m just been logical)

(With thanks to Gustavo.  This was VERY loosely translated from Gustavo's eavesdropping blog Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana)

-oOo-

1027. Kulula Airlines (27)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights. Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system. The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

-oOo-

1026. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (113)

Over the years I have come across many nicknames and have had a few myself. With so many Jones's, a baker would be known as Jones-the-Bread and the butcher would be known as Jones-the-Meat.

I recall a baker being known as Dai-the-Crust whilst somebody posh living nearby was Dai-Upper-Crust.

I used to work in the Customs office of the Swansea - Cork ferry and one of the regular Irish lorry drivers came into our office for his return journey to Ireland. He related an incident from the previous day when he was delivering in the Valleys and was looking for Bed & Breakfast. He called into a cafe where he had a cup of tea and made enquiries about lodgings in the area. Everybody were very helpful said Paddy and they all agreed that his best bet was Bed & Breakfast at Nellie Paynters. They gave him directions and he set off up the hill to what he believed was Nellie Paynters house. When a woman answered the door he asked if she was Nellie Paynter and did she do Bed & Breakfast. The woman replied that she did Bed & Breakfast but her name was Nellie Jones. The woman explained that her husband was a painter and decorater and hence the name Nellie-Painter.

-oOo-

www.forumwales.com

1025. iWott???

-oOo-