938. Quick Quips (1)

Q:  What do you call Santa’s helpers?

A:   Subordinate Clauses.

-oOo-

937. Kulula Airlines (18)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

-oOo-

936. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (104)

1.  In Oakdale Colliery there was a young minder who wore glasses, and he was known as Dai-Windows.  Some years later he was prescribed much thicker lenses, and he became Dai-Double-Glazing;

2.  Another workmate was due to get married on Saturday, but an iron bar fell across his feet on the Wednesday before and swelled up so much that he couldn't get his shoes on, so he had to resort to wearing his slippers.  From that point on, he was known as Dai-Quiet-Wedding.

3.  There was a young lad from Argoed who done everything at full speed, he was known as Ianto-Full-Pelt.

4.  When I worked at Penalta Colliery in the early 1950s, the pit bottom overman was known as Dai-the-Bobby.  I was informed that he was a special constable during World War II.

5.  I can recall a friend from Libanus School, Blackwood, whose name was John John.  I was simply known as John-Two.

Keith Richards from Blackwood

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

935. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (21)

The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't anywhere in sight.

-oOo-

934. Memorable Signs (42)

-oOo-

933. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (14)

"We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

-oOo-

932. What we mean is what we don't say... (94)

We say:  I'm going to be a bit late, I'm held up in traffic.

We mean:  I'm going to be late, I've only just left home.

What it says about us: Mobile phones are the greatest invention in the world, aren't they?

-oOo-

931. Celebrity Quotes (31)

The fundamental cause of trouble in the world is that the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubt.

- Bertrand Russell (1872-1970)

-oOo-

930. Grumpy Old Quotes (18)

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't.  A sense of humour was provided to console him for what he is.

Horace Walpole

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

929. Answers to Hecklers (19)

Jeremy Hardy:  "Nigel, it's over.  Can't you understand that?"

-oOo-

928. Breakfast Prayer

Quoted to me by Bernadette, on my visit to Ireland in 2012.

Lord make me not like porridge - thick, stodgy and difficult to stir; make me more like cornflakes - light, crispy and always ready to serve.

-oOo-

927. Kulula Airlines (17)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

-oOo-

926. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (103)

Back in the 1950s in Oakdale Colliery I worked with a first-aid man, whom they called Doctor Kildare.

Keith Richards of Blackwood

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

925. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (20)

He's a day late and a dollar short.

-oOo-

924. Memorable Signs (41)

-oOo-

923. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (13)

"There was no egg-slicer in the apartment..."

-oOo-

922. What we mean is what we don't say... (93)

We say: I ran out of time.

We mean:  Useful little euphemism, that.  Makes me sound businesslike - as if I had an overloaded schedule.

What is says about us:  Sometimes it's because I'm disorganised, and at other times it's because I simply can't be bothered to fit in whatever it was that was asked of me.

-oOo-

921. Celebrity Quotes (30)

The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can't change.  After I die, I'll probably come back as a paintbrush.

- Sylvester Stallone, Actor

-oOo-

920. Grumpy Old Quotes (17)

Misers aren't much fun to live with, but they do make wonderful ancestors.

Anon

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

919. Answers to Hecklers (18)

Heckler:  "You're ugly".

Jim Smallman:  "And yet your missus still prefers me to you."

-oOo-

918. Wosstime?

At Birmingham New Street railway station some time in the seventies, awaiting train to Bristol after a long day of meetings.

Company Director No. 1 (64):  I thought you said the train left at 22:22

Company Director No. 2 (44):  No, it arrives at 22.22, I said it leaves here at twenty-to-eight.

... No. 1:  That's what I SAID. On the 24-hour clock twenty is eight.

... No. 2:  No (slowly).  It leaves here at 19:40 and arrives at Temple Meads, Bristol, at 22:22.

...No. 1:  That's after 10 on the 24 hour clock - you young fellows don't understand the 24 hour clock, you had to know it during the war, you know.

... No. 2:  Mmm.

-oOo-

917. Kulula Airlines (16)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

-oOo-

916. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (102)

My grandmother Margaret A'Herne (née Evans), a Markham girl born and bred, was at one time a post woman (delivering letters) and has for evermore been called Magg-the-Post.

A gentleman, Aeron, who lived in the same street as my family, had a 50cc motorcycle and was known as Aeron-Put-Put due to the noise of his bike.

Yet another gentleman was known as Dai-Over-The-Wall due to having a prompensity for nosiness, looking over other people's back walls.

Darren Williams, Markham

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

915. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (19)

Whose brain will be donated to science and rejected?

-oOo-

914. Memorable Signs (40)

-oOo-

913. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (12)

"No one told us there would be fish in the sea.  The children were startled."

-oOo-

912. What we mean is what we don't say... (92)

We say:  I don't suffer fools gladly.

We mean:  I like to express myself in this rather grand way to impress people.  It also tells them I'm terribly wise.

What is says about us:  I'm an intolerant pain in the ass.

-oOo-

911. Celebrity Quotes (29)

That's just the tip of the ice cube.

- Neil Hamilton, BBC2

-oOo-

910. Grumpy Old Quotes (16)

Early to rise and early to bed.  Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

James Thurber

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

909. Answers to Hecklers (17)

Brendan Dodds:  "You're the kind of girl who thinks 'friends with benefits' means seeing someone who's claiming Jobseeker's Allowance."

-oOo-

908. Suburban story

Thursday morning, pouring with rain.  Doorbell rings. Ann, having just finished breakfast, opens the door.  Before her is her next door neighbour, Linda, looking flushed and upset.

Linda:  Sorry to bother you Ann, but my car’s been stolen from the front of the house and I don’t know what to do... (bursts into tears)

Ann:  Oh you poor thing, come in out of the rain, and have a cup of tea, we’ll figure something out.

Amid hiccups and steaming cups –

Ann:  Let’s think back to see when it was stolen.  Last night we went out at 8 and I noticed your car wasn’t there and remarked to my husband that it was unusual that you were out at that time on a weekday.  It must have already gone.  When did you last use it?  To take the kids to school this morning?

Linda: (sniffling) No, it was a nice day and we decided to walk...I don’t know how I didn’t notice it wasn’t there...

Ann:  What about this afternoon, did you collect them in the car?

Linda: No, we walked...

Ann:  Try and remember when you last used the car.

Linda:  (muttering to herself) Wednesday we walked, Tuesday Mum collected them, Tuesday morning Gary took them in, Monday...yes...Monday!  That’s when I last drove it... no wait a minute we walked home because ...oh my God... (claps her hand in front of her mouth)

Ann:  What’s the matter?

Linda doesn’t respond, but leaps to her feet and with an apology and “I’ll get back to you”, makes for the front door and disappears.  An hour later the doorbell rings.

Linda:  I found it!  I had left it parked at the school on Monday and they were about to have it towed away.  Gary will be furious...

Ann:  No he won’t – you found it and it hadn’t been towed away!

Linda:  I know, but I’d left the sunroof open...

-oOo-

907. Kulula Airlines (15)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
.

-oOo-

906. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (101)

When we lived in Abercan, my husband worked for the Forestry Commission and we lived in Commission houses.  He was known as Terry Trees and his boss, who lived nearby, was Roberts-the-Wood.

Janis Pembridge from Spain

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

905. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (18)

He'll be doing joined-up writing next.

-oOo-

904. Memorable Signs (39)

-oOo-

903. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (11)

"We bought Ray-Ban sunglasses for five Euros - £3.50/US$6 - from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."

-oOo-

902. What we mean is what we don't say... (91)

We say:  She's FAT.

We mean:  Thank God I'm not as fat as she is.  Looking at her makes me feel better about myself.

What is says about us:  I'm terrified of being fat.

-oOo-

901. Celebrity Quotes (28)

My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm gong to be an uncle or an aunt.

- Chuck Nevitt, NC State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice.

-oOo-

900. Grumpy Old Quotes (15)

Getting older is all about high blood pressure, high cholesterol, high anxiety and low sex drive.  At my age, 'safe sex' is not falling out of bed.

Anon

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

899. Answers to Hecklers (16)

(Or from them, in this case...)

Jim Tavare:  "Good evening, I'm a schizophrenic."

Heckler:  "Why don't you both get lost?"

-oOo-

898. Comebacks (20)

You:  I reckon you'd make a great exchange student.

Friend: Wow, you really think so?

You: Yes, we might be able to exchange you for someone nice.

-oOo-

897. Kulula Airlines (14)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
.

-oOo-

896. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (100)

There used to be two Joneses who were managers of a chemist shop - one was known as Jones-Chemist and the other Jones-Boots because he managed Boots The Chemist.

BT, Ebbw Vale

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

895. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (17)

She's one tit short of an udder.

-oOo-

894. Memorable Signs (38)

-oOo-

893. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (10)

"Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned.  The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."

-oOo-

892. What we mean is what we don't say... (90)

We say:  I don't know much about wine, but I know what I like.

We mean:  What is there to know?  Meh... it's red, it's white.  Stuck-up people will tell you it tastes of raspberries or almonds - they're just showing off, it all tastes the same.

What is says about us:  I know nothing AT ALL about wine, but no one is going to make me feel thick. 

-oOo-

891. Celebrity Quotes (27)

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

- Rod Stewart

-oOo-

890. Grumpy Old Quotes (14)

In my next life I'm going to come back as a former good-looking, now quite fat and plain 50-year-old man, who's just been sadly widowed or divorced, and I would go to the country and I would clean up.  I would get a bonk every night of the week.

Jilly Cooper, Grumpy Old Women

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

889. Answers to Hecklers (15)

Arthur Smith:  "Sorry, I can't understand what you're saying...I'm wearing a moron filter."

-oOo-