892. What we mean is what we don't say... (90)

We say:  I don't know much about wine, but I know what I like.

We mean:  What is there to know?  Meh... it's red, it's white.  Stuck-up people will tell you it tastes of raspberries or almonds - they're just showing off, it all tastes the same.

What is says about us:  I know nothing AT ALL about wine, but no one is going to make me feel thick. 

-oOo-

891. Celebrity Quotes (27)

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.

- Rod Stewart

-oOo-

890. Grumpy Old Quotes (14)

In my next life I'm going to come back as a former good-looking, now quite fat and plain 50-year-old man, who's just been sadly widowed or divorced, and I would go to the country and I would clean up.  I would get a bonk every night of the week.

Jilly Cooper, Grumpy Old Women

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

889. Answers to Hecklers (15)

Arthur Smith:  "Sorry, I can't understand what you're saying...I'm wearing a moron filter."

-oOo-

888. Comebacks (19)

Man 1:  How many people work in your office?

Man 2:  About half of them.

-oOo-

887. Kulula Airlines (13)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

-oOo-

886. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (99)

When I attended training college in Swansea during 1969-1971, there was a student who earned the nickname John-Williams-Undecided.  When asked which course he was opting for ... well you don't need me to tell you what his reply was, do you?  The name stuck throughout college.

In the village I grew up in, Gowerton, we had a number Joneses, Jones-Ty-Rhos and Jones-Ty-Rhiw (neighbouring cottages); Ken-Jones-the-Milk (milkman); Mrs-Jones-Gas and Mrs-Jones-Waterman (named for their husband's trades).  Fond memories.

Angela Coles, Wrexham

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

885. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (16)

He's so dense, light bends around him.

-oOo-

884. Memorable Signs (37)

-oOo-

883. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (9)

A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong.  He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

-oOo-

882. What we mean is what we don't say... (89)

We say:  So sorry to hear you've got cancer... a lot of people seem to have it these days... I've got an uncle who has it, in the colon, and a friend, she's got breast cancer, and...

We mean:  Well of course I'm sympathetic - what made you think I wasn't?  But one doesn't want to dwell on bad news, does one?

What is says about us:  My conversation is triggered by key words.  If you'd been burgled, for example, I would have told you about the time I was burgled, and when it happened to my Mum, and...

-oOo-

881. Celebrity Quotes (26)

My mother never saw the irony in callng me a son-of-a-bitch.

- Jack Nicholson

-oOo-

880. Grumpy Old Quotes (13)

My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.

Anon

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

879. Answers to Hecklers (14)

Nigel Planer (As Neil from The Young ones, in a live show):  "In ten years' time, right? they're going to have, like, educationally streamed supermarkets, OK? ... And you'll need, like, at least three GCSEs to buy a pound of sausages, yeah?  .... And you're going to STARVE."

-oOo-

878. Comebacks (18)

She:  You know, I've been asked to get married over a hundred times.

He:  Yeah, but your parents don't count...

-oOo-

877. Kulula Airlines (12)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

-oOo-

876. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (98)

My grampy was known as Ivor-the-Driver as he worked in the transport yard on Culverhouse Cross.

Emma Davies, Caerau, Cardiff

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

875. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (15)

He's several sausages short of a barbecue.  If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.

-oOo-

874. Memorable Signs (36)

-oOo-

873. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (8)

"We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure.  Your brochure shows the sand as yellow, but it was white."

-oOo-

872. What we mean is what we don't say... (88)

What we say:  It's not me you've let down.  You've let yourself down.

What we mean:  My father used to say this to me, and his father used to say it to him.  Goodness knows what it means.

What it says about us:  I do like sounding like a wise parent.

-oOo-

871. Celebrity Quotes (25)

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.

- Sharon Stone

-oOo-

870. Grumpy Old Quotes (12)

General Sir Jeremy MacKenzie, referring to a Chelsea pensioner -

When they were asked what they thought of a phone mast being erected on the adjacent military museum, one 97-year-old raised his hand to ask, "Will it make us sterile?'

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

869. Answers to Hecklers (13)

Heckler:  "Tell us a joke".

Dan Antopolski:  "Your mum fell into some cheese sandwiches, and she got covered in cheese.  Absolutely covered in it.  She stank of cheese.  And hundreds of mice came from miles around, drawn to her by the smell of cheese.  She was covered in mice.  Overcome by them.  But she was glad of the company, because YOU NEVER CALL."

-oOo-

868. Comebacks (17)

Old Wife:  Shall I put the TV on?

Old Man:  Well it would certainly improve the view.

-oOo-

867. Kulula Airlines (11)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

-oOo-

866. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (97)

The local rag-and-bone man was known as Tommy Tanner because that's what he gave you for your junk.

Vincent Neale, New Tredegar

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

865. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (14)

As bright as Alaska in December.

-oOo-

864. Memorable Signs (35)

-oOo-

863. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (7)

"The beach was too sandy."

-oOo-

862. What we man is what we don't say... (87)

What we say:  I don't want to go because (a) it's too far, and I've got a cold coming on.

What we mean:   ... and (b) I've got a cold coming on.

What is says about us:  I can't cope with more than a list of one.  I never seem to ever get further than (a)...

-oOo-

861. Celebrity Quotes (24)

Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.

-  William Shakespeare

-oOo-

860. Grumpy Old Quotes (11)

I know nothing about sex because I was always married.

Zsa Zsa Gabor

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

859. Answers to Hecklers (12)

Brendan Dodds:  "I'm sorry, I don't speak Orc."

-oOo-

858. Comebacks (16)

Man:  Hey there, haven't I seen you somewhere before?

Woman:  Yes, and that's why I don't go there anymore.

-oOo-

857. Kulula Airlines (10)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

-oOo-

856. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (96)

On the first morning of starting work as an apprentice in Ebbw Vale steel works I was told when I boarded the bus at Tredegar bus station not to sit on the front seat behind the driver because it belonged to Jimmy Oddsocks.  Sure enough, two stops on a man in his mid 40s boarded the bus wearing - you guessed it - odd socks.  From that day on every time I saw him he brought a smile to my face.

Gary Edmonds, Tredegar

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

855. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (13)

You would be out of your depth in a car park puddle.

-oOo-

854. Memorable Signs (34)

-oOo-

853. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (6)

A guest in a hotel threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff, when in fact she had mistaken the "do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.

-oOo-

852. What we mean is what we don't say...(86)

What we say:  I don't wash my hair every day, I don't want to strip my scalp of its body oils.

What we mean:  I read this somewhere, though I admit the old body oils do seem to return to my head within hours...

What it says about us:  I hate washing my hair.

-oOo-

851. Celebrity Quotes (23)

What makes him think a middle-aged actor who's played with a chimp could have a future in politics?

- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood's bid to become mayor of Carmel.

-oOo-

850. Grumpy Old Quotes (10)

I swear there are drugs in the upholstery of his chair.  Because honestly he just gets near the television and goes zzz... It's known as the drugged chair.

Dillie Keane, Grumpy Old Women

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

849. Answers to Hecklers (11)

Linda Smith:  "Rugby - a game for men with no fear of head injuries... and with no reason to fear them."

-oOo-

848. Quick Quips (1)

Q:  What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

 A:   Quatro sinko.

-oOo-

847. Kulula Airlines (9)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

-oOo-

846. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (95)

In Springfield, Pontllanfraith, there are many nicknames for the locals:

Dai-Top-House because he lives in the highest house in the village;

Fag-and-Purse, a lady whose name I will not mention, always walks with a fag and her purse in her hands;

Phlegm, for obvious reasons.

Steve Lindon, Pontllanfraith

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

845. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (12)

As a failure, you are a great success.

-oOo-

844. Memorable Signs (33)

-oOo-

843. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (5)

A tourist at a top African game lodge overlooking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".

-oOo-