792. In the queue waiting to pay for a pint of milk...

Overheard at a Bristol Hospital, at the WRVS shop in Orthopaedics Department:

Man (50's):  (In wheelchair, talking to the lady who is making him a cup of coffee)

Left me leg behind in a supermarket car park the other day, look.

Lady at the till (70):  That was careless of you... how did you do that then?

Man:  Well I was with me son and when we got to the doctors I says to 'im  - "Where's me leg?" 

- "Ooh" 'e says, "I think it got left in the black bag with your other stuff in the trolley, look." 

So 'e 'ad to go back an' geddit.  I told 'im, I says "I can't be doin' without me leg."

Young people these days, they don't have the sense they're born with.

Lady at the till:  I know what you mean.

-oOo-

791. Celebrity Quotes (16)

Can't act.  Slightly bald.  Can dance a little.

-  Screen Tester about Fred Astaire.

-oOo-

790. Grumpy Old Quotes (4)

In mid-life the man wants to see how irresistible he still is to younger women.  How they turn their hearts to stone and more or less commit a murder of their marriage I just don't know, but they do.

Patricia Neal

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

789. Answers to Hecklers (5)

Heckler:  "You fat cow".

Jo Brand:  "I deliberately keep my weight up so that a tosser like you won't fancy me."

-oOo-

788. Comebacks (9)

Man:  I know how to "please" a woman...

Woman:  Really?  then "please" leave me alone.

-oOo-

787. Kulula Airlines (3)

(These are the background notes I made for the first in the series, number 767)

Have you ever heard of Kulula Airlines?  It's a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - the word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages. 

I've put together a sequence of posts about them featuring photographs from the internet and some of their in-flight announcements, to show you what I mean.  It's a breath of fresh air in a business which is so frightened of scaring its passengers in case it puts them off from using their airline.  Kulula just makes its passengers laugh.

-oOo-

786. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (90)

I have a friend who used to be Dai the Milk because he sold milk but now he's Dai the Phone (career change).

Another friend who can recreate music exactly with his voice is called Dan the Beats.

A lad in school was Sion Bilko because of his military hair style.

Hugh Williams or Rin is named after his double Rinat Desiev, a fromer Russian goalkeeper.

My dad is still known as Shaft for various reasons but he did have a perm that resembled an afro in the late eighties.

Will Lloyd from Llantwit Major

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

785. Weakest Link put downs (6)

Who's a few feathers short of a whole duck?

-oOo-

784. Memorable Signs (27)

-oOo-

783. Put downs (13)

Excuse me, is that your nose or are you eating a banana?

-oOo-

782. What we mean is what we don't say...(81)

What we say:  I lost five pounds in weight this week

What we mean:  Just reminding you that YOU didn't ..............

What it says about us:  Nyah......... :-)))))))

-oOo-

781. Celebrity Quotes (15)

She's so stupid she returns bowling balls because they've got holes in them.

- Joan Rivers on Bo Derek.

-oOo-

780. Grumpy Old Quotes (3)

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul.  When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

Anon.

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

779. Answers to Hecklers (4)

Mark Steel to an audience in Belfast:

"I preferred it during the Troubles - at least you were fighting each other."

-oOo-

778. Comebacks (8)

Man:  So, what's your sign?

Woman:  No Entry.

-oOo-

777. Kulula Airlines (2)

See background notes about this airline in my post number 767. 

Here is another photo of one of their planes.

-oOo-

776. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (89)

Dai-Book-and-pencil? You've guessed it - the local traffic warden in Brecon. Red-faced, glasses ... they must have used the mould for traffic wardens throughout the UK.

Janice Truscott

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

775. Weakest Link put downs (5)

Who's not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree?

-oOo-

774. Memorable Signs (26)

-oOo-

773. Put downs (12)

Sure I'd love to help you out.  Which way did you come in?

-oOo-

772. What we mean is what we don't say... (80)

We say:  You're so lucky to be able to sleep so much!  On weekends my lie-in means that I don't get up till 7 a.m.....

We mean:  I hope I've impressed you, you lazy lump, because I know your lie-ins mean you don't get up till at least noon...

What it says about us:  You waste the day, while I'm a virtuous and dynamic achiever.  Running around doing housework will surely lengthen my lifespan.... Won't it???... Well... at least I'll go to heaven when I die and you definitely won't.

-oOo-

771. Celebrity Quotes (14)

He's so ugly, they ought to donate his face to the World Wildlife Fund.

- Muhammad Ali on Joe Frazier

-oOo-

770. Grumpy Old Quotes (2)

Old age at least gives me an excuse for not being very good at things that I was not very good at when I was young.

Thomas Sowell

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

769. Answers to Hecklers (3)

Ricky Gervais:

"This is a big venue, I can't really get into one-to-ones.  In a smaller room I'd still ignore you - SHUT UP!"

-oOo-

768. Comebacks (7)

Man:  Your place or mine?

Woman:  Both - you're going to yours and I'm going to mine.

-oOo-

767. Kulula Airlines (1)

Have you ever heard of Kulula Airlines?  It's a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - the word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages. 

I've put together a sequence of posts about them featuring photographs from the internet and some of their in-flight announcements, to show you what I mean.  It's a breath of fresh air in a business which is so frightened of scaring its passengers in case it puts them off from using their airline.  Kulula just makes its passengers laugh.

I'll post about Kulula every ten posts - so the next one will be post number 777, and so on.

-oOo-

766. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (88)

Nicknames derived from the mining industry -

Dai Six Months (lost part of an ear in an accident),

Blackdamp (named after the deadly creeping gas found underground)

Sprag (named after the sprag of wood used to slow up the coal drams when on a downward slope) and so on.

These nicknames are a wonderful record of life in the pits and should be preserved.

John W of Treowen, Newbridge

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

765. Weakest Link put downs (4)

Who's one Froot Loop shy of a full bowl?

-oOo-

764. Memorable Signs (25)

-oOo-

763. Put downs (11)

I hear you're connected to the Police Department.  Would that be by a pair of handcuffs?

-oOo-

762. What we mean is what we don't say... (79)

We say:  What time shall we leave - 7.30?

We mean:  See how I consult you on everything?

What it says about us:  Might as well tell her what time I want to leave before she has a chance to think about it, so we do things my way.

-oOo-

761. Celebrity Quotes (13)

The only genius with an IQ of 60.

- Gore Vidal about Andy Warhol.

-oOo-

760. Grumpy Old Quotes (1)

When we are young we are slavishly employed in procuring something whereby we may live comfortably when we grow old, and when we ARE old, we perceive it is too late to live as we proposed.

Alexander Pope

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

-oOo-

759. Answers to Hecklers (2)

John Cooper Clarke:

"Your bus leaves in ten minutes... be under it."

-oOo-

758. Comebacks (6)

- Do you notice how I've kept my youthful complexion?

-  Yeah, so I see.  Spotty.

-oOo-

757. Celebrity Quotes (17)

“Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak.”

Anon

-oOo-

756. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (87)

Dai Central Eating 'cos he only had 1 front tooth, which was set in the middle of his top jaw. His name didn't change even when he got dentures!!

Dai Vatican - because his surname was Pope and he was a Catholic.

Evans the Milk (milkman) and he traded under that name.

Jones the Bus: they ran/drove the local bus company.

Jenny Rotten, due to poor dental hygiene.

Dotty Datestones (never knew her real name) cos her teeth had discoloured to the colour of dates.

Dic Oil Slick, mechanic, real name Richard Jones.

My Uncle William who lost half an ear in a pitfall was known ever after as "Bill 18 months".

My father told me of the man of 6'3" who jumped from Crumlin Viaduct, the highest in the world and was said to only measure 3'6" on landing, was posthumously always refered to as "Dai Pwt" - Dai Short. Tragic.

Oh and what about "Shioni Onion" - these chaps were Bretons and arrived from France every year to sell their strings of onions garlic and shallots. Always carried on an ancient black bicycle and Shioni always wore a beret and a neckerchief. Today, in our politically correct society, it is no longer the done thing, as it is now seen as being derogoatory or emotional abusive, but people were proud to be given and to bear these names.

Zoe De Luca, Brindisi, Italy

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

755. Missing Link put downs (3)

Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; you only gargle.

-oOo-

754. Memorable Signs (24)

-oOo-

753. Put downs (10)

Somebody said to me that you ain't fit to sleep with the pigs.  Well, I stuck up for the pigs.

-oOo-

752. What we mean is what we don't say... (78)

We say:  Of course I love you!

We mean:  I hate it when you ask.

What it says about us:  It's quite an art to pitch it somewhere between cautious and spontaneous...

-oOo-

751. Celebrity Quotes (12)

The Thief of Bad Gags.

- Walter Winchell about Milton Berne.

-oOo-

750. Hotel advice

Boss (51):  Forget about the ones on the coast road:  if you go round by the lake you'll find places that'll give you a 50% discount, and in some places you can even get 100% discount...

(Gustavo's comment: and if you stay inside the lake itself you'll get 110% and they'll pay YOU...)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

749. Answers to Hecklers (1)

Arthur Smith: 

"Is that your real face or are you still celebrating Halloween?"

-oOo-

748. Comebacks (5)

Little Sister: You’re ugly.

You: And you’re good looking, for a gorilla.

Little Sister:  Must be cos we're related.

-oOo-

747. What we mean is what we don't say... (77)

We say:  Sorry to interrupt....

We mean:  I'm not sorry to interrupt.

What it says about us:  ...But if I don't say what I'm thinking now I'll just forget, and the pearls of wisdom will be lost forever....

-oOo-

746. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (86)

My in-laws were from Tredegar and regularly referred to a local villain as Ivor-Ball-and-Chain.

Eric M, Newport

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

745. Weakest Link putdowns (3)

Who's a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic?

-oOo-

744. Memorable Signs (23)

-oOo-

743. Putdowns (9)

I heard that you were a ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock.

-oOo-