254. Memorial Plaque Series (45). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

It says:

In loving memory of Herbert Gentry

who came here long ago.

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253. Soliloquy at the petrol station

Scene:  I have filled my car with petrol and go in to pay.  I hear the radio blaring as I make my way to the till, where the 20+ year old cashier has just finished serving a customer.  As I step up to the till I hear the radio disc jockey mention that after the news he'll be playing the latest song of "the delectable Lady Gaga".

Cashier:  Delectable?  I tell you I'm sick and tired of hearing about her.  Can't STAND her.  She looks awful, dresses worse, dead artificial.  People just talk about her, not about the music.  She's supposed to be a singer...

Me:  Mmm.  Pump No. 14 please.

Cashier:  Like that Madonna - all the rage in the 90's she was.  Couldn't STAND her.  Them pointy tits.  Always had to be in the news about other stuff.  She was supposed to be a singer...

Me:  Mmm.  Do I put my card in this way up?

Cashier:  Yes love.  I tell you, these women are there to sing, but all they want you to do is look at them, not listen to their voices.  Can't STAND them.

Me:  Mmm.  Can I take my card out now?

Cashier:  Yes love.  I mean, look at footballers.  We want to watch them play and all they want to do is screw around and appear in newspapers and demand a lot of money.  Can't STAND that.  I've read that they used to pay footballers £20 a week back in the fifties, and look at them now.  Just for kicking a ball around...

Me:  Mmm.  I know, it's a scandal.  Well, bye for now.

Cashier:  Bye love.  Nice talking to you.

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252. The Right Answer at the Right Time (3 of 5)

The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he had stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

"I've been waiting for you all day" the bobby said.

The kid replied "Well, I got here as fast as I could."

When the policeman finally stopped laughing he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

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251. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (6)

My friend worked in Penallta colliery, and was nicknamed Scooter because you had to kick him to start him.

Mark, Pengam

www.bbc.co.ukwales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

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250. Memorial Plaque Series (44). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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249. In downtown Buenos Aires on a hot day

Woman (60):  The tube(1) staff are on strike, the ice-cream machine's out of order at the Vesuvius ice-cream parlour so there's no zabaglione flavour - I tell you, nothing works in this country.  It's chaos.  Don't know why I bothered coming into town today...

Comment by Gustavo:  Quick survey - is this woman a natural pain in the ass, a follower of Lilita Carrió (2), or both?

(1) Subway/Underground

(2) Lilita Carrió:  Argentine politician renown for being difficult.

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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248. Exam Papers (7 of 25)

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247. Cat Dictionary Series (30)

The Fox

Scene: Banjo hasn’t come back in at 11 p.m. or so to sleep in a warm corner.  No amount of calling brings him bounding back into the house for his late night snack.  Some time later the woman hears the sound of an animal screaming, and becomes convinced that her cat has been mauled by a fox.  It’s midnight, and the man drives round the block hoping to see him, while the woman back at home goes to pieces imagining the worst.  The neighbours all seem to be asleep. 

At 1 a.m. they’re both sitting miserably at the table, going outside every so often to call him. At 1.30 a.m. to their speechless delight, they see him trotting along the wall of the house opposite, jumping down and sauntering calmly into the house and straight to his feeding bowl.  The woman continues to blub helplessly from the shock.  They gradually realise that what they heard screaming was a couple of mating foxes which have been seen in the area.

Translation:  Lost track of the time out there – what on earth’s been going on here, have I missed anything?

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246. Memorial Plaque Series (45) - Clevedon Pier, North Somerset

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245. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (8 of 11)

Tech Support:   I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.

Customer:         OK.

Tech Support:   Did you get a pop-up menu?

Customer:         No.

Tech Support:   OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?

Customer:         No.

Tech Support:   OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?

Customer:          Sure.  You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.

 

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244. All-time Favourite Joke Series – Police Call

George Phillips of Gold Coast, Australia, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go and turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who after checking his address, asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said “no”.  Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.  George said “OK”, hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them.”  Then he hung up.

Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George:  “I thought you said you’d shot them.”

George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available”.

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243. Welsh Idiosyncrasies – Nickname Series (5)

A man from Pencoed and Bridgend who was an amputee and had a prosthesis: 
Dai Tin Leg

A factory inspector for whom everything was “two thou out”:  Billy-two-thou

A man who helped his wife with the housework:  Will Mary-Ann

A man who always managed to wriggle out of paying for a drink:  Tom Tadpole

G Goodman, Cape Town

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

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242. Memorial Plaque Series (43). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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241. Exam Papers (6 of 25)

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240. The right answer at the right time (2 of 5)

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsburys' store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.  She asked a passing assistant "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The assistant replied "I'm afraid not, they're dead."

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239. Art Imitating Life? (2)

Background:  The hospital where I work has launched a project to brighten up the corridors and make them less institution-like. 

Laboratory Manager to colleague as they walk down the corridor:  I can't imagine what idiot thought this one up - those look exactly like bacteria colonies seen under a microscope.  Just what you need to reassure patients in a hospital where MRSA is a constant worry...

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238. Memorial Plaque Series (42). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

It says:

SIMON

I'll lie by your side

like the Sunday roast

Lucy

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237. Welsh Idiosyncrasies. Nickname Series (4)

Dai Up and Down:  for two reasons -

1.  Because one day he was OK for money, the next he wasn't.

2.  The way he walked after a pit accident when one leg remained shorter than the other.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

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236. Men at Work

Office Manager (40):  the corridor is looking so much better and brighter isn’t it?

Workman in overalls covered in paint (30):  Yep.  Better, innit?  Ooh, I’ve got to put up a ‘wet paint’ sign...

Office Manager:  shall I do one for you?

Workman:  No ta, I’ve got a piece of paper here and a pen.  How do you spell “wet”?

Office Manager:  That’s W – E - T

Workman: Ta

Office Manager:  Do you need me to spell “paint”?

Workman:  No, ta, I’ll get that off the tin.

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235. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (7 of 11)

Scene:  A man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box, to worried operator.

Man:  Hang on a minute, I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.

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234. Memorial Plaque Series (41). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

It says:

Sit down Duchess,

take the weight off your feet.

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233. By the fountain in the park.

Chavette (18):  Oy, don’t flick water at me you idiot, I’m off to work.

Chav (20):  Bah – now you’re pretending you have a serious job ‘cos you’re sitting in a chair for 8 hours a day.

Chavette:  Havin’ your ass in a chair for 8 hours a day when you don’t wanna be there and they pay you for it, that’s a serious job.

(Gustavo’s comment:  I’m with the Chavette 100%)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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232. Art Imitating Life? (1)

Background:  The hospital where I work has launched a project to brighten up the corridors and make them less institution-like.  The above picture is a triptych which we have observed the lady artist working on for the last few weeks.  Finally three men from the Estates Department in their dark green uniforms came with their drills and screws to put it up.  As I was passing they had just finished and were standing against the opposite wall surveying their handiwork with very obvious puzzled looks on their faces.

Man 1:  (scratching his head)  Yeah but.... what IS it?

Man 2:  I tell you what it is.  It's me auntie's hernia.

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231. Cat Dictionary Series (29)

Scene:  It’s pelting with rain outside.  Man opens the front door and calls the cats, and presently two soggy, furry balls emerge from under the woman’s car which is parked on the drive, streak across the lawn and dash inside, wet through.  They know the drill.  They run into the kitchen and jump onto the chair and the kitchen steps respectively, while the man dries them off with paper towels, chiding them gently for going out in the rain.  They purr as they start to warm up again.

Translation:  I think it’s time we started demanding warmed towels for this procedure.  Those paper towels take too long.  Right, that’s enough.  Snack now please.

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230. Memorial Plaque Series (40). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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229. Exam Papers (5 of 25)

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228. All-time Favourite Joke Series

Background: A little boy doing his maths homework

Little Boy: (to himself) Two plus five, the son of a bitch is seven; three plus six, the son of a bitch is nine….

Mother: (horrified) What are you doing?

Little Boy: Maths homework

Mother: And is this the way your teacher taught you to do it?

Little Boy: Yep

(Next day mother visited the teacher)

Mother: What are you teaching my son in maths right now?

Teacher: We’re doing addition at the moment.

Mother: Would you explain to me why you’re teaching them to say “two plus two, the son of a bitch is four”?

Teacher: (trying not to laugh) What I’ve taught them to say is “two plus two, the sum of which is four"....

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227. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (6 of 11)

Directory Enquiries – caller is asking for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator:  “Woven”?  Are you sure?

Caller:  Yes, that’s what it says on the label – “Woven in Scotland”.

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226. Memorial Plaque Series (39). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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225. Welsh Idiosyncrasies. Nickname Series (3)

More nicknames from the 30s and 40s in Llantwit Major –

Ianto Full Pelt – always moving fast;

Tom Fire Dropper – worked for the railway, lighting the fires in the engines;

Empty Handed Arthur – always carrying home bundles of sticks;

Maggie the Dribble – collected for the Christmas Club.

Source: Graham from Cardiff

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

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224. Religious Instruction Junior Exam

Question: By which name were the people who followed the Lord known?

Reply: The 12 decibels

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223. Exam Papers (4 of 25)

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222. Memorial Plaque Series (38). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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221. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (5 of 11)

Directory Enquiries

Caller:               I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please.

Operator:          I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?

Caller:               Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.

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220. Welsh Idiosyncrasies. Nickname Series (4)

There were numerous nicknames in Llantwit Major in the Thirties and Forties.  Here are some:

A butcher who had a shop opposite the pub:  Dai In and Out

Another butcher:  Dai Lower Shop

A third butcher named for the way he walked:  Dai Walla Bounce

A man who used to walk on his toes:  Tulip

Graham from Cardiff

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

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219. The right answer at the right time (1 of 5)

Scene:  Mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane.

Flight attendant (25):  Would you like dinner?

Man seated in front row (25):  What are my choices?

Flight attendant:  Yes or no.

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218. Memorial Plaque Series (37). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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217. Sunday School (1)

In reply to a question from the Sunday School teacher –

Female Pupil (8):  The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

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216. Family Trouble

Bloke (47):  No, I’m telling you, it’s a right fuck-up, cos me brovver's a dickhead, me other ‘alf can’t stand me brovver’s wife, so I says to them I says “we’re goin’ away”, but someone came by the ‘ouse and sussed out that we was inside, and there was all hell to pay, and blimey talk about a family bust up....

(Very!) loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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215. Exam Papers (3 of 25)

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214. Memorial Plaque Series (36). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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213. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (4 of 11)

Caller: (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France)
If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?

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212. Welsh Idiosyncrasies. Nickname Series (3)

Historian Ralph Thomas’ record of his favourite Welsh Nicknames

There was a colliery supervisor who was known as Thin Scale, which had two possible origins:

One theory is that he used to cadge a "thin scale" of tobacco from his men.

The other concerns his rash judgment of an unsafe pit roof.  "It's only a bit of thin scale, pull it down!", he reportedly said.  The roof promptly collapsed - and it took two shifts to clear the resulting rubble.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtml

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211. Word Wobble (17)

Daughter just back from kindergarden (5):  Dad what’s a penis?

Dad: (uncertainly)  Well…. You know how little boys have a widdle… have you ever seen a little boy having a widdle?

Daughter:  Yes… (puzzled)

Dad:  So what he wees out of is his penis….

Daughter: …Oh… then why did they say at school that we can’t have singing lessons without the penis?  Mrs Proctor plays the piano but she wasn’t there today.  But I don’t think she wees like little boys…?

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210. Memorial Plaque Series (35). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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209. Cat Dictionary Series (28)

Scene: There’s two inches of snow on the ground outside, and the man can’t understand why Banjo and Rusty won’t go out for their customary ‘constitutional’ before bedtime.  This is to avoid them using the litter tray in the night. He chides them for not indulging the usual routine he imposes upon them.

Translation:  With those thick clodhoppers you wear on your feet, not to mention the smelly socks you’re rarely parted from, I don’t suppose the small detail about that white stuff being wet and very cold on the paws would cross your mind, would it?  And we’ve never crapped on your carpet yet, have we?  So cut the cackle and give us something to eat instead.

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208. On the train, Buenos Aires

Chavette (23):  Yeh, my friend came round and I mixed her a cocktail – a mosquito.

Chav (23):  And what’s that then?

Chavette:  Rhum and mint, you know, the herb...

Chav:  That’s a mojito, not a mosquito…

Chavette:  Well, anyway, she drank it.

(Gustavo’s comment:  Mojito brain…)

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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207. Exam papers (2 of 25)

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206. Memorial Plaque Series (34). Clevedon Pier, Somerset

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205. All Time Favourite Joke Series – Call Centre conversations (3 of 11)

RAC Motoring Services

Caller:  Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia?

Operator:  Doesn't the product name give you a clue?

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