1173. What we mean is what we don't say.... (113)

What we say:  I'm sorry, but I just have to say this...

What we mean:  I'm dying to voice my opinions, to show what a feisty woman/man I am.

What it says about us:  I'm not sorry, and I don't need to say it, but I'm going to say it anyway because I want the attention.

-oOo-

1172. Overheard on the London Underground/Tube/Suway

Overheard over the PA system:

"Beggars are operating on this train.  Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars.  If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity.

Failing that, give it to me."

-oOo-

1171. Grumpy Old Quotes (41)

No cowboy was ever faster on the draw than a grandparent pulling a baby picture out of a wallet.

Anon

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

1170. Dog shaming (13)

-oOo-

1169. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (6)

Q:  What are steroids?

A:  Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

-oOo-

1168. Travel Stories (9)

Waiting in line at an airport in Egypt, standing behind a couple of Australian women.  One says to the other:  "I'm not happy.  I thought we paid extra to fly direct to London?  How come we're stopping in some place called 'Londres' on the way?"

-oOo-

1167. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (5)

Q:  What happens to your body as you age?

A:  When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

-oOo-

1166. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (127)

I used to work in the Customs Office of the Swansea-Cork ferry, and one of the regular Irish lorry drivers came into our office for his return journey to Ireland.  He related an incident from the previous day when he was delivering in the Valleys and was scouting around looking for a bed-and-breakfast to stay the night.

He called into a cafe where he had a cup of tea and made enquiries about lodgings in the area.  Everybody was very helpful, said Paddy, and they all agreed that his best bet was the bed-and-breakfast at Nellie Painter's.  they gave him directions and he set off up the hill to what he believed to be Nellie Painter's house.

When a woman answered the door he asked if she was Nellie Painter, and whether she did Bed-and-breakfast.  The woman replied that she did bed-and-breakfast but her name was Nellie Jones.  She then went on to explain that her husband was a painter and decorator, hence the name Nellie Painter.

-oOo-

1165. Out of the mouths of babes (8)

DJ, aged 4 (stepping onto the bathroom scales):  How much do I cost?

-oOo-

1164. British Humour (3)

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it.  You never know when you might need a nail.

Unknown origin.

-oOo-

1163. What we mean is what we don't say.... (112)

What we say:  I'm not being funny, but...

What we mean:  Actually I AM being funny - that's your queue to laugh.

What it says about us:  By using key phrases before I say what I want to say I prepare everybody to sit up and pay attention to "moi".

-oOo-

1163. At the mother-in-law's birthday party

Guest (female, 28):  I voted for him because he's so cute...

Gustavo (son-in-law, 40):  That's a good policy.  If you had voted for him because of his manifesto he may have let you down, but he'll always be cute, so it's win-win...

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with many thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

1162. Grumpy Old Quotes (40)

Ageing is when you hear 'snap, crackle, pop' before you get to breakfast.

Anon

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

1161. Dog Shaming (12)

-oOo-

1160. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (4)

Q:  In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A:  Very important.  Sex can only happen when  a male gets an election.

-oOo-

1159. Travel Stories (8)

A young tourist on a tour in Berlin, at Hitler's Bunker site:  "Hitler's first name was Adolf?  I thought it was 'Heil'..."

-oOo-

1158. Out of the mouths of babes... (10)

Little girl (4) with ear ache, wanting a pain killer and unable to take the lid of the bottle:  Why won't it open, Mummy?

Mother:  It's childproof darling, I'll open it for you.

Little girl:  (eyes wide)  But how does it know it's me?

-oOo-

1157. The secret is out...

Q:  Why do men get married?

A:   So they don't have to hold their stomachs in any more.

Unknown Origin

-oOo-

1156. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (126)

Harry was the eighth person I'd met with the surname Jones.  Everyone seemed to be called Jones, Williams, Davies or Evans.  To prevent confusion, the Welsh use nicknames, and nowhere is their teasing wit and love and language more apparent.

Most nicknames derive from a person's occupation, such as the builder I  heard of called Will-Five-Bricks, or the baker Dai-Bread, as in Dylan Thomas' Under Milkwood. 

My favourites were the two Evanses from a village in Carmarthenshire.  One was an undertaker, the other a travel agent.  The travel agent was known as Evans-There-and-Back, the undertaker as Evans-One-Way.

-oOo-

1155. Out of the mouths of babes (7)

Steven (3), hugging and kissing his mother good night:  I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.

-oOo-

1154. Overheard on the Underground/Tube/Subway, London in July 2006

"Ladies and Gentlemen,

The beeping noise means 'the doors are closing, do not get on'.  It does not mean 'try to force your way onto the train and get your rucksack stuck'.  Please remember this in future, thank you."

Victoria Line tube driver, Victoria Station, at 10 a.m., July 2006

-oOo-

1153. What we mean is what we don't say.... (111)

What we say:  I'm just being honest...

What we mean:  I'm keen to blurt out the truth without thinking of the consequences.

What it says about us:   I set honesty above all other virtues, such as tact, kindness, consideration for others, putting myself last... etc.

-oOo-

1152. It's that remote control again...

Recommendation: However hard you try, you won’t be able to make international phonecalls with the television’s remote control. (I haven’t tried local calls though).

Gustavo’s comment: This time I caught myself at it just in time and followed my own advice...

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

1151. Grumpy Old Quotes (39)

An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Loan Ranger.

Dan Rather

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

1150. Dog Shaming (11)

-oOo-

1149. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (3)

Q:  What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A:  If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

-oOo-

1148. Travel Stories (7)

"We were on a bus tour in New Zealand and everyone had to come up to the front of the bus and introduce themselves.  After an American had introduced himself as coming from '...the greatest country in the world - U.S.A.!!  U.S.A.!!', the next person got up and said 'Hi, my name is Tom, I come from a small island off the coast of the United States, called Great Britain.' "

-oOo-