1147. British Humour (2)

Just because nobody complains doesn't mean that all parachutes are perfect.

- Benny Hill

-oOo-

1146. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (125)

A guy who had trouble with his feet and even wore trainers to his own wedding was known as Dai-Quiet.

-oOo-

1145. British Humour (1)

"I said to this train driver:  'I want to go to Paris'.  He said: 'Eurostar?'  'Nah', I said, 'I auditioned for X-Factor but I didn't get chosen.' "

-oOo-

1144. Out if the mouths of babes (6)

Jack (3):  (Watching his mother breastfeed his new baby sister)....:  Why have you got two?  Is one for hot milk and one for cold milk?

-oOo-

1143. What we mean is what we don't say.... (110)

What we say:  In future...

What we mean:  I'm in charge here.

What it says about us: I'm the only one around here who knows how to maintain standards.

-oOo- 

1142. Unemployment

Wayne (45): It was all ‘Wayne do this’ and ‘Wayne do that’ – I was sick of it. I’m 45 years old – FOR-TY-FIVE, I’m nobody’s gofer, so I resigned.

Wayne’s friend (40): OK Wayne, but it was a good job – and you’re 45, it’s going to be difficult for you to get another job.

Wayne: Well, we’ll see whether I can get something straight away or not, but for now – you know what? - I’ve got respect.

Gustavo’s comment: Nice euphemistic way of saying I prefer to laze around scratching myself...

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

1141. Grumpy Old Quotes (38)

A lot of people like snow.  I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water.

Carl Reiner

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

1140. Dog shaming (10)

-oOo-

1139. Schoolboy Howlers from 16 year olds (2)

Q:  How is dew formed?

A:  The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

-oOo-

1138. Travel Stories (6)

"A British friend of mine was walking down a quiet street in New York City using the map on his iPhone, when a mugger demanded his valuables.  Having had a few beers, my mate said to the mugger, "I'll give you my stuff, but could I just have my SIM card out of my phone.  It's going to be of no use to you but I'm travelling and it's got all my addresses and contact numbers."  Amazingly the mugger agreed and they spent the next five minutes working on how to get the SIM out - not an easy task on an iPhone.  When the SIM was handed over, my mate even thanked the thief as he walked away..."

-oOo-

1137. Robbie Williams on the Graham Norton Show

Graham Norton's show on BBC1, 24th November 2013.

Guests:  Robbie Williams (singer/popstar)

            Emma Thompson (Oscar-winning actress)

            Jimmy Carr (comedian)

Graham Norton congratulates Robbie Williams on the birth of his new baby, who thanks him gravely.  

Emma Thompson:  "Were you present at the birth?"

Robbie Williams:  "Yes, I was."

Emma Thompson:  "At the business end???"

Robbie Williams, pauses, sighs quietly and says slowly:  "Yes...  it was like watching my favourite pub burn down."

-oOo-

1136. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (124)

"My sister's name is Lynda.  Some years back she was having a lot of back problems.  The doctors eventually found out that her problem was that she had one leg slightly longer than the other.  When I found this out I started calling my sister Eileen (as in "I lean sideways").  My mother gave me a clip across the ear and told me off for being to cruel to my sister.  I still call her Eileen though."

-oOo-

1135. More Air Traffic Control Chatter (18)

Pilot, German airline:  Ve are at fifteen thousand, in and out the bottom.

Anonymous voice on frequency:  Vive le sport!

-oOo-

1134. Memorable Signs (62)

-oOo-

1133. What we mean is what we don't say.... (108)

What we say:  Let's keep in touch!  (OR)  Don't be a stranger!

What we mean:  Meh... I'm not bothered either way.

What it says about us:  At the time I wanted you to like me - but I'm unlikely to see you again, so it doesn't matter.

-oOo-

1132. In a coffee shop, Buenos Aires

Brat (female, 13): Ma, what’s the internet password?

Brat’s mother (35): Cecilia one, but I thought WiFi was for home only?

Brat: For goodness sake Ma, you don’t know anything. The internet is everywhere.

Brat’s mother: Aaah – I thought the password was for home only, sorry...

Brat: And anyway you’ve given me the wrong one because it won’t work.

Brat’s mother: Try Cecilia without the one.

Gustavo’s comment: Just for the record, in case you live next door to a mother who thinks her daughter knows everything but doesn’t really, the password was Cecilia1.

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

-oOo-

1131. Grumpy Old Quotes (37)

Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.

Victor Borge

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.