1106. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (121)

During the war the Germans sent a spy to the valleys to make contact with German sympathisers.  He parachuted near to this village and the password to use was "There is a welcome in the hillside."  His contact was to be a man named Davies.

When he saw a man coming towards him he asked him if he knew of anyone named Davies living in the village.

"Yes, I know quite a few actually.  Let's see.  There's Davies-the-Bread, Davies-the-Milk, Davies-the-Coal... and as it happens, my name is Davies."

The German leaned over and whispered the password "There is a welcome in the hillside."

"Oh, you should have said" - said Davies - "You'll be wanting Davies-the-Spy then?"

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1105. More Air Traffic Control Chatter (15)

Control Tower to pilot:  "Climb like your life depended on it ... because it does."

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1104. Memorable Signs (59)

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1103. What we mean is what we don't say... (105)

We say:  Oh no, I never take sugar - and actually I don't eat salt either.  One has to be so careful with fats and carbs too... I like to look after my body.  Of course I do smoke, and I keep trying to cut down, but hey I can't fight on all fronts...

We mean:  Forget the negative, concentrate on the positive, admire my fabulous body and be impressed, be very impressed.

What is says about us:  Salt, sugar, fats, carbs, they destroy your body if you don't control them.   With smoking - well I look good don't I?  I don't have to worry about it for now.

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1102. Cheese Logic

Daughter (40): Yes I’d like some, but how long will the Parmesan last?

Mother (63) – reply of the universal mother: Quite a while, or until it gets eaten...

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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1101. Grumpy Old Quotes (34)

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

Woody Allen

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The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

1100. Dog Shaming (6)

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1099. Grumpy Old Quotes (33)

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six more.

Walter Matthau

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The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

1098. Travel Stories (2)

American family sitting in Rome eating a traditional meal al fresco in a shady piazza. 

Husband to his wife:  "I can't wait to get back to Florida and have a real pizza."

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1097. Kulula Airlines (34)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights. Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system. The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

A plane was taking off from Durban Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from Durban to Cape Town , The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight.. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOODNESS!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine…"

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1096. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (120)

I know a lad from Swansea who was a foreman and always said "Don't let me down, boys".  He's now known as The Balloon. 

...And another who had a twitch in his shoulder, who's called The-Bowler-from-the-Gasworks-End.

Oddy from Barry.

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1095. More Air Traffic Control chatter (14)

Pilot, DC-10:  I can see the country club down below... looks like a lot of air traffic controllers out there!

Control Tower:  Yes sir, there is, and they're all caddying for DC-10 drivers like you...

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1094. Memorable Signs (58)

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1093. What we mean is what we don't say... (104)

We say:  Sorry to bother you... could I just ask....I wonder if you can help me?

We mean:  If I'm ultra polite to you you might feel sorry for me and be prompted to give me the answers I need.

What is says about us:  Listen, we're British, we're known for our politeness, OK?  If it makes us feel better we'll thank you seventeen times during a transaction, apologise to you when YOU tread on our feet, etc

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1092. Electricity is blissful...

Son (10): Ouch!!

Father: What’s the matter?

Son: I think that was ecstatic electricity.

Gustavo’s comment: Well, it was happy electricity...

Loosely translated from Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana, with thanks to Gustavo.

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1091. Dog shaming (5)

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1090. Grumpy Old Quotes (32)

Brilliantly lit from stern to stern, she looked like a sagging birthday cake.

Walter Lord

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The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

1089. Travel Stories (1)

Our Kiwi pilot from Wellington to Picton lived up to his national reputation of dry humour.  Our little plane was being buffeted by some turbulence and there was a knocking sound coming from one of the doors.  I told him about the noise and asked him if there was something wrong.

"Oh you can't usually fly this thing with one of the doors open", he said matter of factly.  "Try not to touch it and make sure your seatbelt is really tight."

Never did find out if he was joking.

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1088. Kulula Airlines (33)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights. Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system. The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

Heard on a Kulula flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

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1087. Overheard in elevator

City Gent (35, sharp suit):  Every horrible wife starts out as an adorable girlfriend.

City Lady (40ish, sharp suit):  That's your mistake.  Ours is that the disillusion sets in earlier, but we marry them anyway thinking we'll change them.

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1086. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (119)

My grandfather drove a horse and cart and sold parafin oil, so he was known as Morgan-the-Oil.  My maternal grandmother had a friend that was always called Mrs-Thomas-The-Milliner.   Guess what she made?

Thelma Morgan, Lara, Victoria, Australia

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1085. More Air Traffic Control Chatter (13)

Pilot N923:  Approach, how far from the airport are we in minutes?

Control Tower:  N923, the faster you go, the quicker you'll get here.

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1084. Overheard on the bus, in London

Overheard on a bus in Lewisham.

An elderly lady is talking to an elderly gentleman acquaintance, whom she has met by chance.  They are discussing the cheap Christmas decorations she has just bought:

"And see, you get three for 99p and my grand-daughter has a little Christmas tree in her bedroom and so I got her three packets with different designs.  Because at 99p that works out at about 33p each, which is a bargain, isn't it?  So I got her three of those and then  I went to the pet shop and bought a frozen rat for my snake.  Oh, I've had him about fifteen years.  I didn't know snakes could live that long!  He's only about six feet long; I share him with my downstairs neighbour after he escaped and she found him in her washing machine."

http://overheardlondon.livejournal.com

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1083. Memorable Signs (57)

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