1024. Memorable signs (51)

Translation:  for doorbell to work, join up the two wires

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1023. Overheard on the London Underground/Tube/Subway (1)

"Ladies and gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service.  I know you're all dying to get home - unless of course you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

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1022. What we mean is what we don't say... (99)

What we say:  (Wheedling voice, rising to a squeak at the end)  "Would you do that for me?"

What we don't say:  I'm a nurse and I need to tell you to do something that you're really not going to like.

What we mean:  By wording it as a favour to me I'm embarrassing you into agreeing, and by using a childish voice I'm pretending I'm your mother and you're 5 years old.

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1021. Cuttings from British newspapers (2)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear.  When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.

(The Manchester Evening News)

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1020. I do all my own plumbing...

This is a Currys advertisement from a magazine, tempting you to buy your washing machine with installation included.  Apologies for poor quality, I haven't been able to find it on the internet.  His expression and the bedraggled cat looking at him really make me laugh.

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1019. Mayan Calendar

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1018. On a bus, Buenos Aires

Adolescent (16) on crowded bus, loses her foothold as the vehicle brakes sharply and grabs  the first person ahead of her by the arm, a man in his fifties, and subsequently falls to her knees.

Young girl:  I’m SO sorry, I’m terribly sorry, I didn’t mean to...

Man (50s):  No problem, but don’t feel you have to kneel to apologise.

Young girl (recovering herself):  No, it was just that I was afraid I’d drag you down with me, which might have posed a problem with your age and all.

Man (50s):  Reply not recorded

(With thanks to Gustavo.  This was VERY loosely translated from Gustavo's eavesdropping blog Blogudeces de la Vida Cotidiana)

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1017. Kulula Airlines (26)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement by the pilot, part of his welcome message:

"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.  Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"

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1016. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (112)

Dai-Tighten-up was the server at the soup kitchen who thought the food portions were too generous.

Dai-Ten-Ton was a small man in stature with a big ego.

Anonymous, from Deri

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www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

1015. Memorable Signs (51)

-oOo-

1014. Memorable Signs (50)

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1013. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (22)

"You said there were mosquitoes, but you didn't say they could bite."

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1012. What we mean is what we don't say... (98)

What we say:  "I'm puzzled/surprised/diappointed..."

What we don't say:  I'm disgusted/shocked/gutted.

What we mean:  By understating the case I hope you realise (1) how terrible this is and (2) how cleverly I'm dealing with it.

-oOo-

1011. Cuttings from British newspapers (1)

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman from North West Gas said -

'We agree it was rather high for the time of year.  It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house.'

(The Daily Telegraph)

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1010. Grumpy Old Quotes (26)

Retirement must be wonderful.  I mean, you can suck in your stomach for only so long.

Burt Reynolds

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

1009. Good Idea? (3)

Whiskey Cooler

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1008. Quick Quips (8)

Shin:  A device for finding furniture in the dark.

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1007. Kulula Airlines (25)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of their planes or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

In-flight announcement:

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.  Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

-oOo-

1006. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (111)

I grew up in Penrhiwceiber.  We had a Harry-from-Barry, Apps Edwards, Ma Roffi, who used to let all us kids hang out at her house, and Cowboy, who always thought himself to be one... too many to list.

Debra von Saldern, Canada

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

1005. Newspaper cutting

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1004. Memorable Signs (49)

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1003. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (21)

"It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy of unruly guests before we travel."

-oOo-

1002. Good Ideas? (2)

Hands-free

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1001. Celebrity Quotes (38)

Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera.

- James Stephens (1882-1950)

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1000. Grumpy Old Quotes (25)

"I'm having difficulty getting the doctors around here to sign the appropriate form."

Spike Milligan, on seeking permission to celebrate his 80th birthday with a 12,000 foot skydive.

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The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

999. Good ideas? (1)

Chopping Onions

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998. Quick Quips (7)

Mechanic:  I couldn't repair your brakes, so I've made your horn louder.

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