833. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (4)

"We booked an excursion to a water park but your rep never told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."

-oOo-

832. What we mean is what we don't say (84)

We Say:  No, I won't have an ice-cream, thank you.

What we mean:  And you'd better not have one either.  If I'm being virtuous than the least you can do is keep me company...

What it says about us:  It's really made me fancy one now.  I may have to buy a few on the way home and keep them to myself...

-oOo-

831. Celebrity Quotes (21)

Shaw writes his plays for the ages...the ages between five and twelve.

- George Nathan on George Bernard Shaw

-oOo-

830. Grumpy Old Quotes (8)

We do not squabble, fight or have rows.  We collect grudges.  We're in an arms race, storing up warheads for the domestic Armageddon.

Hugh Leonard

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

829. Answers to Hecklers (9)

Russel Kane:  "Why don't you do into that corner and finish evolving?"

-oOo-

828. Comebacks (13)

Boss:  Employees like that don't grow on trees you know...

You:  How true Sir, they normally swing underneath them...

-oOo-

827. Kulula Airlines (7)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

-oOo-

826. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (93)

...From Penrhiwfer there was Trefor-the-Milk (the milkman), Davies-the-Post of Williamstown Post Office, and Dai Twitch (originally from Tonyrefail) who had a severe nervous twitch.

Derwyn Williams from Figtree, Australia

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

825. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (10)

A few clowns short of a circus?

-oOo-

824. Memorable Signs (31)

-oOo-

823. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (3)

"On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry.  I don't like spicy food at all."

-oOo-

822. Overheard at the hospital

Three girls striding briskly down the corridor, clearly admin employees on their way to the canteen for lunch.  I come across them as they burst simultaneously through the swing doors, necessitating a quick dodge out of the way by me to avoid being trampled upon.

Girl One:  I mean, don't get me wrong, I like her and Ally and everything, but it would never occur to them to put a ream of paper in the copier, juno-wha-ah-mean?

Girl Two:  Ooh defintly

Girl Three:  Same in our office - the secretary NEVER gets the coffee.  Ah mean, I know she doesn't drink coffee, but we always offer HER coffee, juno-wha-ah-mean?

Girl One:  Defintly

-oOo-

821. Celebrity Quotes (20)

He could start a row in an empty house.

- Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise.

-oOo-

820. Grumpy Old Quotes (7)

Mel Gibson, when asked if he knew 'what women want' -

"After about 20 years of marriage, I'm finally starting to scratch the surface of that one.  And I think the answer lies somewhere between conversation and chocolate."

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

819. Answers to Hecklers (8)

Heckler:  I don't come here to think.

Bill Hicks:  Well tell me where you do go and I'll meet you there.

-oOo-

818. Comebacks (12)

Friend:  I've changed my mind...

You:  Excellent, so does the new one work better?

-oOo-

817. Kulula Airlines (6)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

-oOo-

816. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (92)

Back in the sixties in Cardiff I remember so many nicknames.  Nearly everyone I knew had one.  Mine was Pretty-Boy-Schultz because I always wore a suit with all the accessories. I think the name was a mix up of the gangsters Pretty Boy Floyd and Duch Schultz.

There was Jimmy-the-Pig whose father Benny-the-Belly had a pig farm; Dai-the-Whip who used to drive the horse and cart for his dad who sold salt and vinegar; Joey-the-Runner was always starting fights and then running off.

There was Titchie Davies and Nipper Eedy because they were small; John-the-Block because he was a bit thick; George-the-Cockney; Freddy-the-Fly who was Spanish; Prick Finger, a black bus conductor who had huge hands; Deaf-Geoff.

Norman, who said he wanted a normal name became Normal-Norman; Felix because he was a scaredy-cat; Happy Smith; Bongo Kelly a drummer; Dog-Turd-Tommy who came into the juicer (pub) with dog crap on his shoe.

There were the three short fat girls Lumpy, Dumpty and Stumpy; Moonface, she had a round face; Olive-the-Owl because she had big eyes and a pointy nose; Bootnose the ex-boxer; and Peek-a-Boo Palmer who was caught looking through his neighbour's window.

Viv Gregson, Portsmouth

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

815. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (9)

A titanic intellect... in a world full of icebergs.

-oOo-

814. Memorable Signs (30)

-oOo-

813. Guests' Complaints recorded by Thomas Cook Holidays (2)

"It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons.  I often needed to buy things during siesta time - this should be banned."

-oOo-

812. What we mean is what we don't say (83)

(In the supermarket car park, where trolleys can only be released by the use of a pound coin, retrievable later when you return it.)

What we say:  Can I borrow a pound coin off you for the supermarket trolley?

What we mean:  I can't be bothered to root around in my handbag, and anyway, men always carry loose change around in their pockets...

What is says about us:  I'll forget to return the pound coin to him of course, and he knows it would be a bit petty to ask for it.

-oOo-

811. Celebrity Quotes (19)

Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.

- Rex Reed on Marlon Brando.

-oOo-

810. Grumpy Old Quotes (6)

Men have got no reason to be grumpy at all [at Christmas time], because they don't have to do anything.  They really don't do anything.  In fact, my husband goes out on Christmas Eve to buy my present.  He's had 364 days to go and get it, and he goes on Christmas Eve.

Linda Robson, "Grumpy Old Women"

-oOo-

The series of Grumpy Old Quotes comes from "More Wrinklies' Wit & Wisdom", Compiled by Allison Vale and Alison Rattle, ISBN -13: 978-1-86200-331-6, published in 2006 by SevenOaks, which I thoroughly recommend.

809. Answers to Hecklers (7)

Arthur Smith:  Look, it's alright to donate your brain to science, but shouldn't you have waited till you died?

-oOo-

808. Comebacks (11)

Man:  Please whisper those 3 little words that would make my day!

Woman:  Go to hell.

-oOo-

807. Kulula Airlines (5)

Kulula Airlines is a low cost airline operating in South Africa on domestic flights.  Their novel approach is brightly coloured livery and to make everything humorous - either by the way they paint the outside of the plane or with their public address system.  The word Kulula itself means "it's easy" in the Zulu and Xhosa languages.

-oOo-

806. Welsh Idiosyncrasies - Nickname Series (93)

There were so many Tommy Williams's in 'Ceiber that there had to be some way of differentiating them, and the local Tommy who rang the bell in St Winifred's Church on Sundays was called Tommy-Ding-Dong.

Ron Thomas, Pontypridd (ex Penrhiwceiber)

-oOo-

www.bbc.co.uk/wales/southeast/sites/familyhistory/pages/nicknames_ralphthomas.shtm

805. Weakest Link-style Put Downs (8)

Which village is missing its idiot?

-oOo-

804. Memorable Signs (29)

-oOo-